North Walsham

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North Walsham market cross

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North Walsham shown within Norfolk.

North Walsham was discovered in 1912 by Lord Stephen of Fry who quickly established the first settlement as a living morgue. Found in the county of Norfolk (which was originally situated in the North of England, it was moved to the East of England in 1859 1/2. This was to stop people having to pass through it by accident.)

North Walsham is now a town sort of near the county's largest village of Norwich where many of North Walsham's citizens where born and subsequently banished from. North Walsham is also sort of near Cromer and less sort of near, yet still not too not near the town of Great Yarmouth.

Twinned with the town of Frieseniesenegeisenmeiseniederied somewhere not in Norfolk, people from both towns visit their respective twin town to show off their caravans and drinking skills along with some good old fashioned Molly Dancing.

edit Attractions

North Walsham was formerly a traditional blackmarket town and an important red light in the centre of North Norfolk's sex industry, but the town today reflects the trend towards homogeneity and suburban anonymity characteristic of many small British towns that have lost their primary role and function.

edit The Commooni'y Centre

The Commooni'y Centre or Commooni'y for short was officially opened on the 27th April 1943 by Admiral Nelson. It has been economically decorated in battleship grey. The Commooni'y Centre soon became the cultural hub of the town, a home to blue haired line dancers and cider swilling chavs alike. The Commooni'y Centre can be hired out for wedding receptions, chav-child discos and bookfairs at the reasonable price of ten teabags and a small bag of tate and lyle an hour. Users are recomended to provide their own atmosphere.

edit The Memorial Park

The Memorial Park was opened after some war in a place called Action, in which some men from the town, who, unsurprisingly, got lost. We only know this because of a plaque on a large stone plynth which reads "Dedicated to the men of the town who were lost in action". The park is a place everyone in the town can enjoy. There are two play areas and some tennis courts for the local young to vandalise, a winding path for the elder generation to slip over on and several benches where the older people sit and think about things that didn't actually happen (after all this is the memorial park, somewhere for people to think of memories), and for the less than middle aged to create their spawn. All in all the Memorial Park is a much loved place.

edit The Church

The Church once had the second largest tower in Norfolk before it was stolen by Viking Raiders in the 1980s for a reason which is now long forgotten, mostly due to the senility or drug altered mind sets of the local inhabitants. At first the church was used as a place to worship an alcoholic, half man half fish hybrid carpenter who lived in the lands now known as The Country Formally Known as Palestine or Israel for short and Katie Price (formally known as Jordan). This man was called Cheesus and claimed to be the son of a Cod. Now however, it is mostly used as a kareoke bar where people sing songs together, drink wine and eat bread.

edit Roys

Roys is the economic hub of the town. A vast centre for commerce, it is just the place you go when you need to buy everything you could live without. It stocks everything from cheap shoes to cheap baked beans to cheap lead based paints and cheap CFC based air fresheners. At Christmas, the day they celebrate the birth of their saviour Chris Moyles, an obese man in red pyjamas and night cap called Santa is found in Roys. The townsfolk bring their young offspring to sit on his lap and receive a gift from his sack.

edit Sainsbury's Carpark

The Carpark of Sainsbury's is where you will witness the courting rituals of the young folk of the town. The males of the town drive round and round in their chavved up ford escorts and saxos looking to impress the females of the town with the loudness of their stereos and the shineyness of their wheels, inevitably they fail in their endeavour and end up luring the young girls into their cars with the promise of "baccy n cider" (two highly prized Norfolkian afrodisiacs) before preceding to mate, despite not wanting to, let alone being able to care for their heirs.

edit Strikers Ten Pin Bowling

A 90 mile hike from the centre of town will bring you to the largest place of bowling based entertainment in Norfolk. Inside you will find 50 lanes the size of airport runways, an arcade area with every video game machine ever made (including House Of The Living, Crazy Taxi, Star Wars ping ball and Q*bert) and a bar stocked only with the cheapest beer that the North Walsham townsfolk can afford. The television screen in the bar plays the worst chart hits from 26BC to 1982. Parties for kids are available but only if you bring your own alcoholic beverages. On the 0.5 days of the year they are fully booked, you may have to wait 10 seconds and engage in conversation to Mr "Miserable Git" Smiley behind the bar.

edit The Town Clock

The Town Clock is in the centre of the town and was said to be forged from the power of two meteorites which crashed together at the same location. From the smoking wreckage, the parishioners built a clock which rose a mile up into the air. The reason for the height was that passing planes could crash into it and then the parishioners could collect the remains and use it to build houses. Nowadays the clock is used for worship purposes and every day at noon, students from the nearby college flock to the seats underneath to eat and praise.

edit The Cat Pottery

The Cat Pottery is a genetic testing laboratory which takes normal cats and blends them into humans using advanced DNA extraction techniques. Once the two species have been put together, the cat humans start work in the pottery next door constructing awful pieces of pot based merchandise for dumb tourists to buy. Prices start at £1,000,000 per pot. The pottery is located between the burning cars outside Paston College and the riot squads next to Lidls.

edit Education

There are a number of educational facilities in North Walsham. North Walsham Infant School and Nursery where the children of the town receive their first lessons in ignorance in preparation for moving on to North Walsham County Junior School where they study intermediate ignorance, stupidity and narrow-mindedness. Provided they survive beyond their 11th birthdays the children of the town and surrounding area progress onto North Walsham High School, one of the leading centres for the study of drugs and sexually transmitted infections with each student majoring in at least one if not both subjects. As well as these areas of study North Walsham High School also offers courses in Physical and Mental abuse, (especially well regarded for its work on happy slapping and domestic abuse), Advanced Ignorance, Disrespect and General Immorality. Their budget is about as stable as Bambi on ice, they employ cavemen as maths teachers, and the lessons are about as engaging as a differential equation.

For those particularly talented students the town is also home to Paston Sixth Form College, so named so that people would not associate it with the town. The students of Paston Sixth Form College regularly achieve some of the highest levels of ignorance and stupidity in the county with at least 97% of all students failing their end of year exams. The other 3% of students are so narrow-minded that their heads actually collapse in on themselves.Besides these mainstream schools there are also schools for the mentally handicapt children of the town, Millfield Special School, and for the more sensitive stuck up pricks who pay for education but doesn't receive it, St. Nicholas' Preparatory School.

edit Employment

Since the closure of the baked bean factory, lorry thingy factory and the laundrette there is no longer any employment within North Walsham. For many other towns this would have caused a problem, not so for North Walsham. This is because anyone of working age in the town is either too ignorant, thanks to the fantastic educational institutions, or of retirement age. Therefore North Walsham has become somewhat of a tax blackhole with the people receiving tax hand outs without having to contribute any taxes themselves, a fact they are very proud of. This lack of employment has therefore lead to the establishment of an Utopian society in which the people of the town do as they please indulging in whatever vice they wish, whenever they wish. This means North Walsham has become somewhat of a benchmark for the rest of British society.

edit Culture

Simply put North Walsham is home to a thriving drinking culture. It was featured in the Guardian newspaper for being the town with the highest 24 hour drinking licenses per 1000 people than any other town in the whole of the United Kingdom[1]. Besides the this there is also a blossoming Yob culture in the town. Other than this there are no theatres, cinemas or art galleries in North Walsham.

edit Climate

In general the climate of North Walsham is fairly predictable, sometimes it's sunny but mostly it's not. However if you were to ask the elder people of the town they would tell you that there was most certainly a climate of fear in North Walsham, but anyone caught expressing these views will shortly be the recipient of a "clout in the lug'ole".


edit Christophers

If you enjoy being abusively spoken to, and like sitting on deckchairs, why not go down to the local black hole. The first rule is everyone in your party must be consuming something for you to be able to sit down in there, as many a person hath found out. Second, you may never leave, unless of course you buy one of everything on the menu, as they are in collaborations with the Mortgage association. If you re-mortgage your house you may be able to afford an ice cream cornet.

edit Woolworths

The store that nobody used, yet now it has deceased, everybody sorely missed, was a great place to get overpriced coke, and Chinese stationary. A place of heaven for pick and mix lovers, until you get to the checkout and get a police record for putting too many sweets in the pick and mix tub. If your lucky you may have got a worth-it laptop, cheap at half the price! Perfect if you plan on using it once and storing it just in case Woolworths goes bankrupt. See, it was a good idea!

edit Locally Famous People

edit The Backwards and Forwards Man

We all know this bushy bearded chap, who walks around taking 3 steps forwards and 2 steps back everywhere he goes so everything takes double the amount of time to get places. Sometimes he has his 9000 year old radio with him and he walks back and forth to the beat. This man has sadly passed away.

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