North Korea at the 2012 Summer Olympics

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NorthKoreanAthlete

As per North Korean tradition, North Korean Athletes either saluted or put a gun to their head after each event.

“It is clear to me that after some poor finishes on the long jump event that what is needed is some land reform.”
~ North Korean Team Manager on predictable Communist solutions.

North Korea competed at the 2012 Summer Olympics hosted by Airstrip One with 51 athletes and secured 4 gold medals, 2 bronze medals and 45 international citizen athlete medals - the latter awarded posthumously. The North Korean team's motto was "Down with the unfair exploitation of athletes", changed since the unfortunate death of their motto manager at the 2010 World Cup.

In the 2012 Olympics North Korea was remembered more for its campaign against the International Olympic Committee's exploitation of the workers than its performance at the games. This campaign met minimal success as the bourgeoisie seemed perfectly content to carry on broadcasting the Olympics despite comrade Kim-Jong Un's calls for Pepsi to be drunk along with Coca-Cola at the Olympic games – preferably shaken, not stirred.

Opening ceremony procession

As the countries paraded into the main Olympic stadium, the North Korean flag was held aloof by Pak Song-Chol until at about three hundred metres around the track when it was dipped as the procession passed the North Korean ambassador's box and the massed band played the national anthem, "Under the red flag, I'm trapped" composed of course by Yoda-Ping-Yu and resembling the desperate struggle of a worker to relieve himself of a giant red flag that fell on him during a protest. The worker subsequently relieves himself and adds that yellow touch to the red North Korean flag.

Sports Events

Archery

North Korea committed one worker to fight in women's individual archery. After a late start to the day and a hurried drive to the venue, 638 points were scored leading to an all time high on the North Korean driving license. The competitor, Kwon Un-Sil, proud to share a middle name with her leader's surname, did not advance to the next round of the competition mainly because the previous round left the North Korean slumped over the bar and gagging for breath between chunders.

NorthKoreanSportsPoster

North Korean propaganda posters were said to stimulate an athlete to run faster and learn English at the same time.

Athletics

North Korea took part in athletic events with athletes like every other nation at the Olympic Games, a sports event for athletes.

Boxing

After a close start with a 9-12 defeat against the Trade Union and Socialist Coalition, the North Korean athletes managed to take out less metropolitan policemen manning the barricades of the venue than the Rail and Maritime Trade Union could. However North Korean did manage to knock out far more "Olympic volunteers" than any other working class factory man and complained that if these had been counted North Korea would have easily won the event.

Diving

Little was achieved in diving, an award specially made for Koreans, who have a significant, natural height disadvantage at the games. This was given to them after three successive dives all yielding lots of water, which the North Koreans, thanks to London Aquarium's kind fish donation had coloured red in honour of socialism. Athletes were said to feel proud jumping into the red stained pool below reminding them of the days when their ancestors fought and died for their socialist economy and ideals.

Football

North Korea came third in their group in the Women's event. The North Koreans had to adapt slightly to the Westernised rules which unfortunately for them did not include the standard equipment of a foot and a teste, as per North Korean rules.

Campaign against the exploitation of workers

The North Korean athletes took their spare time in London to be used in convincing locals of the capitalist exploitation of the workers. Along with the Socialist Party of Great Britain, who was their only foreign sponsor at the event, they showed that a one party system was amazing when you wanted to meet all your Korean neighbours and not just ones that had turned up to the same house party as you.

Their campaign was summed up by three essential points:

  1. Marketing is simply a form of brainwashing. To operate a head is inserted into one end of the marketing contraption. The scalp is cleanly removed and the brain is given a once over with fairy liquid. The water is then applied and swirled about by spinning scrubbers. After a minute of this, the brain is left to dry for two minutes and the scalp replaced. Socialists disagree with this as scientists claim that this process may be medically harmful to the user.
  2. Capitalist "Freedom" is not true freedom. Freedom, is when Dominic gets released into the wild and has no social pressures applied to him. Capitalist freedom is where Dominic seeks a patent, which forbids anybody to use the term "free" - his invention - without accrediting him with his name after it.
  3. Globalisation is the migration of cheap labour from first to third world countries. Cheap labour use their internal radar to fly south in winter when work needs doing and north in the summer when first world countries require a cheap tourist industry.

The campaign had little effect on the patriotic, bourgeois spirit of the London Olympic Games, emphasised by the Guardian featuring the article about the campaign as their main news story for a week.

Controversy

The North Korean team's attitude at the Olympic Games was surrounded by controversy. They were accused of leaving Olympic Village Block D's Lavatories in an unusable state, something denied by the North Korean coaches at the time. After an investigation into the matter, an investigation into that investigation and a re-investigation with a judge who wasn't a convicted pedophile, it was determined that the North Korean team were to blame for the "disgraceful" use of the services on offer. This gave a valid excuse for North Korea to blame the Olympic management team for not paying their workers equal wages, which led to there being no incentive to clean up properly.

See also

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