North America
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North America is the name given to a relatively obscure, insignificant piece of land situated approximately 1/3 of the way between Europe and Asia, just north of South America. North America has long been an independent country thanks to England being so kind and donating it to some Evangelical hobo's. it seems like it is a crowded place but this is due to tenancy of its inhabitants to gather in large cities, become obscenely obese, or hop the border from neighboring countries to the south.
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[edit] Discovering
North America has in fact been discovered only once because a specific discovery can only be made once. Who knows who discovered North America first? (Go look it up in Wikipedia, not this crap "un-encyclopedia.") North America has also been called:
- Vodka land
- Hung over land
- Gin Tonic land
- Whisky land
- Fletch
- Warsteiner land
- Shaken, not stirred land
- Fergie Land
- Disney Land
- Gates Land
- A whore
- Those pussies who whined about Janet Jackson's boob
- Ralph
- "Hey, You!"
- Starfleet Headquarters
- Jesus Land
- Martini Land
- Home of Futurama
- world power
- Land of the High
[edit] Geography
North America is divided into two main parts: Canuckada in the north and Murka-Burka in the south. Mexico is actually part of North America, but is generally considered to be part of Latin America because Americans taking up too much space. The distinction between Mexico and North America is blurred, as there is a state called Mexifornia in the south-central region of Murka (w/o Burka). Residents of that state speak Mexican and are called Texicans (incl. ex Governors).
Although Canuckada usually appears on maps as a large pink country, it is actually almost entirely white and frozen and much vaster than the human mind can imagine and blink on . Because the frozen wastes of Canuckada are hostile to life, they are sparsely inhabited mostly by moose, polar bears, penguins, um, make that reindeer, and hockey players and even some ex players of fear factor with dolly parton ; however, humans are able to more or less thrive in a narrow temperate band close to the Murkan border.
By contrast, Murka is thickly settled, heavily industrialized and well-insulated. The most important industry in Murka is the destruction of the natural habitat, which is proceeding at a blinding pace.
Murka is also notable for being the location of the world's largest metropolis, Levelland. Metropolis being Superman-speak for "Place where all natural life has been mercifully obliterated, and McDonalds is now considered native to the area".
[edit] Language and Culture
The inhabitants of these regions speak mutually unintelligible languages. In Murka the language is called "English" (although it bears little resemblance to the language of the country England); Canuckada has two native languages: "Eh" (a dialect of English) and "Franglish", a bastardized offspring of the frenzied rutting of English and French when they think no one is looking.
Murka and Canuckada have radically different cultures (hardwood and hollywood), and different forms of government. Canuckada is ruled by a Prime Number, who achieves office by being the last person across the finish line in a potato sack race. Murka is ruled by a President, an office achieved mainly through telling lies, having make-overs, quoting Moses or Ezekiel and distributing pork. There is a lengthy process of elimination until only two candidates remain. At a designated time, these two stand on a platform and talk. Whichever candidate puts the most people to sleep wins. The process then immediately re-starts.
North America's official band is Pink Floyd, David Gilmour having been born in the left side of North America in 1808. Murkans are not entirely oblivious to the existence of their neighbours, as evidenced by their national anthem, which asks: Jose, can you see? He can, which is why he comes to visit, making the choice of a new president after Dick Cheney so difficult.
[edit] Trade and Interaction
Despite these tremendous linguistic and cultural differences, there is active and healthy trade and travel between Murka and Canuckada; transactions across the border are quite active, and the two regions are each others' most important trading partners. Canuckada exports maple syrup, arctic air masses, prostitutes, and poutine to Murka. In turn, Murka sends firearms, rock music, tourists, and marijuana to Canuckada[actually, Canuckada exports marijuana TO Murka]. In fact, most Murkans are only vaguely aware that other countries even exist. However, there are a few Canuckadans who have actually traveled outside North America a time or two, and most Murkans, especially in the Southwest, know that there's "some country where they have a lot of Mexican food."
Murka and Canuckada were established at about the same time, in 1955. Early on there was an attempt to establish a diplomatic zone on their mutual border. It was known as the "Yoopie", with diplomats referred to as "Yoopers", but it was abandoned before long, since no one saw much point. That region is now mostly inhabited by mooses and a handful of odd, but congenial, descendants of the original Yoopers.
One of the most interesting and peculiar forms of Murkan/Canuckadan interaction is a highly ritualized form of combat known as "Hokay". Despite extensive study, anthropologists have never been able to determine the rules of this ritual, but have observed that the combatants seem to engage in it willingly, even enthusiastically, despite the fact that there are always heavy casualties on both sides.
