Norse Gods

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“Pfffft... that pantheon is crap. My thunder's better anyway.”
~ Zeus on the Norse Gods
“Oh really? I forsee me stealing your thunder (because I can do whatever the hell I want), throwing my kickass spear at you, and my son Thor buttfucking you while beating you over the head with his hammer.”
~ Odin on Zeus
“Why don't I have a fucken weapon.”
~ God on Zeus
“The Gods made Heavy Metal - and they saw it was good”
~ Manowar on the Norse Gods

edit Introduction

The Norse Gods were around until, like all the cool gods, them crazy christians got rid of them. They said that there was only one 'God'. However, in this so called 'one God' religion there isn't such thing as Valhalla. Some sissified Vikings went to Christianity, but all the others who wanted to rape and pillage all day and then party all night stayed with the Norse Gods. The Christian Heaven was crap anyway; no one was even sure what there is to do when you get there. Whereas in the Norse heaven some crazy singing bitch on a horse takes you there and then when you get there you get wasted all the time! Plus you get there by dying in whilst killing Monks (yay!) and in the Christian religion you get there by saying boring hymns all day and being a good Samaratian. Which is the better religion? You don't have to be that clever to work it out...

edit Gods

Norse gods can come in all shapes and sizes, this expression definitely goes for Loki so watch out... Anyway the following shall describe the almighty Gods of Midgard in all Their glory! *Evil laugh and crack of thunder*.

edit Odin

Odin has a pet Raven called Dora, He also only has one eye because Dora pecked it out in a stress, rides an eight-legged horse, crazy pillock, and enjoys killing Christians and telling Vikings to invade innocent countries. Some of His passions are mead, beer, killing, beer and mead. He has a host of hoes, as mentioned earlier, which do His bidding on top of horses. These aren't eight-legged because Dora killed all the other eight-legged ones. His music tastes include Amon Amarth,Bathory, Battlelore, Einherjar, Battlerage, Berserk, Blood Has Been Shed, Berzerker, Battlelust, Battleroar, Finntroll, Beserkr and Bloodbath.

Odin's other name is Woden, which sounds a bit like Wednesday so some nutcase thought he would name Wednesday after almighty Woden. However, on Wednesdays I have Science then Maths then Science again and then R.E to top it off. Thank You, Woden, if that is Your name... sounds fuckin A. Odin has also been involved in some controversial dealings with Dwarves. His abusing of these little people consists of making four of the little fellows hold up the sky. He also hates people that are taller than Him as well. Abusing midgets, killing lanky people and having a whole army of prostitutes. He killed a giant and then used all his severed body parts to create a world: Odin is an intolerant, bigotted twat.

180px-Ring16

Thor in one of his trademark stroppy moods.

edit Thor

Thor kicks ass. He is the most kick-assest Norse god, only second in strength to David Bowie. Thor has a genreal distate for homosexuals. Thor was flying around one day when he saw this "girl". He appraoched her under the guise of a human and he started having anal sex with her. After seven days of this, Thor removed his human disguise and revealed himself as the god of thunder and proudly announced "I AM THOR!".

The girl then revealed that she was actually a bloke and told him "You're thor? I'm David O Connor". Needless to say that ever since that day Thor has been a bit of a homophobe. David still enjoys the anal sex.

However, this did not stop him from occasionally going out in drag, dressed as his sister Freya, with Loki in a french maid's outfit to crash weddings, eat extravagant free meals, and generally fuck-shit-up-beyond-all-recognition, including David's rectum from time to time.

  • It should be noted that this particular instance may have been an elaborate prank by Loki, later used for blackmail to gain extra wardrobe benefits.

edit Loki

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This is how, like all the greats, Loki started out His career in being a God.

The prankster of Norse Gods, Loki is the sort of person that pulls your chair back just as you're about to sit down and goes into hysterics while you're on your arse with a broken cocyx. Or maybe as you enter Midgard He'll put a bucket of freezing water over the door so that when you walk in you die of pneumonia, not that it's already chilly there anyway. What a joker! I bet He's really popular with the other Gods. It must be a party all the time in Valhalla with Him.

Another trait of Loki is shapeshifting. But how do you know its Loki? Maybe that cat you just kicked in the face wasn't, in fact, Loki, maybe it was next doors tabby. Now the old lady from next door is coming to have a go at you... Or is that the lady from next door? Kick her as well, she's probably Loki in disguise. Now quickly, get your mighty axe and make her taste its cruel bite. Then get her entrails and make her use them as a hat. Now set fire to her! And if she dies isn't doesn't matter she will just go to Valhalla.... That's what happens when you're associated with Vikings too long, you get carried away just a tad and will end starting a blood feud with someone because they looked at you. After all you have to defend your honour, don't you? If you let everyone push you around then Odin would be ashamed and Thor would destroy you with his cruel Thunder! Damn... happened again...

edit Keyboard Cat

Fatso is the strongest of all gods. His powers are unlimited and all of the other gods run in terror when he is around. It is believed that if Fatso is happy he will play happy tunes on his keyboard. If he is angry, he will play an angry tune, which will cause things to blow up. For example, Fatso recently blew up a BP offshore oil rig, which is now pouring thousands of gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico a day.

In other words, DON'T FUCK WITH THIS CAT!

edit Minor Gods and Goddesses

edit Ragnaröck

Contrary to popular belief Ragnaröck, (Old Norse: Rörkíkróðck, Anglicized: Ragnórðk, Norwegian: Rauðgröck) was not a battle at the end of world, but, in fact, the gig Odin, Thor and Loki played at the end of world. Viking are huge fans of metal and so created Viking Metal. See Article on Vikings for more about Viking Metal, although, Odin and Thor had created the band prior to the birth of Viking Metal, like all trend setters. Some of Their greatest singles are: Raarrrgh!, I Love Blood, We Love Blood and the ever popular Death- The Best Thing Ever.

The band is as follows: Loki on Lead, Odin on Rhythm and Vocals and Thor on Drums. Their infulences include Black Metal, Viking Metal, Death Metal, some Viking poetry and Raping and Pillaging. Odin describes Their sound as: Metal crossed with Bloodlust and going Berserk. They have also had guest appearances from Jörmungandr, Vidar, Surtr, Fenris, Sven, Heimdall, and Satan.

It is foretold, that in Ragnaröck, Jörmungandr will throw a red dress at Thor, and because it clashes with Thor's eyes He dies later. However He repeatedly hits Jörmungandr with His hammer, Mjöheímrálfjðrstrōrfýrst, and Jormungandr will die. Fenris will then proceed to eat a rather stringy Odin and Sven will give it indigestion long enough for Vidar to impale Fenris on a guitar.

Their earlier sound contained more guitar riffs, was more melodic and was more influenced by poetry. It was less aggressive than their later Albums: Blood, Burn, Battle... Bitch! and Spear and Beer. Some of the lyrics from the Spear and Beer album are:

Ragnorok Album

Now you can see why They could only fit 5 songs on the buggers.

In one arm I hold the finest mead and a freshly hunted boar,
In t'other arm is My spear and a freshly bought whore.
These are the things I love - whore, boar, hunt, mead,
I am content, content as can be, this is everything I'll ever need.

This may not be the exact translation but you get the basic idea. This is from track 5, the last track of the album because in those days the magic of Gods could only manage to hold 5 songs on each tablet.

Discography

  • 800 AD- Kill all Englishmen
  • 803 AD- Our Pantheon is the only Pantheon
  • 804 AD- Bloody Monks
  • 807 AD- Wonderful War
  • 912 AD- This Album is better than Christianity
  • 915 AD- Better than any Edda
  • 916 AD- Spear and Beer
  • 917 AD- Spear and Beer Special Edition (Includes one new track and live footage of Loki setting everyone in the mosh pit on fire.)
  • 919 AD- Raarrrgh!
  • 921 AD- Blood, Burn, Battle... Bitch!
  • 924 AD- 5 Reasons to Stay With Us
  • 926 AD- 5 More Reasons to Stay with Us
  • 927 AD- 10 Reasons to Stay With Us (2-Disk compilation album)

After the short spell of popularity in the 800's They decided to go on hiatus due to relations in band. They came back just as Vikings had started losing faith in Them. This is partly the reason why a lot of Vikings went to Christianity- because, a big source of all their testosterone fuelled behaviour, Ragnoröck, were on hiatus. They then gave up because so many Vikings lost faith in them. It's an old legend that They will perform a huge gig at the end of the world and everyone in the mosh pit will die, if they hadn't died already during the gig.

edit Acknowledgements

  • Thanks and foremost to Heimdall and Odin, Heimdall our Guardian and Odin the Lord of Men.
  • Second thanks goes to the old lady next door who provided the evil laugh. She survived, by the way. And we can clear up she wasn't Loki. Well probably not....
  • Another thanks is due to Thor, although he's a bit of nancy he gave us the crack of lightning. We sacrificed a monk in his honour.
  • I take back the thanks at the top there. Odin's a twat.
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