Normandy

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“It is not a country and it is never going to be one.”
~ François Hollande on Normandy, Brittany and all the other French regions
“Normandy - a country?! Mais c'est ridicule! Suddenly I agree with Monsieur Hollande.”
~ Nicolas Sarkozy on Normandy and the question of its independence
Normandie
Half-Independent Viking Republic Of Camembert And Cider
France
Normandy camembert
Normandy danger
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "This is Normandy!", "May God be with us!"
Normandy map
There it is. Ignore the bits about "France" and "Paris"
Capital Rouen, on occasions Caen, Saint-Hélier and Saint-Pierre-Port
National Hero(es) Joan of Arc; Norman peasants; Russian pilots
Population 3.45 million Vikings

Normandy is a region of France. This fact is surprising for some people, notably people living in Normandy. They believe it is an independent country, and seek to prove it is separate and different from France through use of a distinctive regional cuisine, capital, flag, hymn, coat of arms, language, history, literature and, importantly, cheese.

Etymology

The word Normandy (which the French spell "Normandie", just to be different) comes from the word Norman (the French say "Normand") which designates a person who lives there, even though Norman himself moved away years ago. Though some say the word means "a man from the North", visitors soon arrive at the conclusion that "Norman" is a short version of "neither a beast nor a man."

Cuisine

As nominal Frenchmen, the Normans take pride in their regional cuisine. In cases where their notorious lack of imagination leads them to simply borrow the cuisine of another region, they will still give it a distinctive Norman name. Norman cuisine centres on seafood, as Normandy is surrounded by the sea (note above, under "lack of imagination") and also it can be prepared very easily: or, to be more exact it is not prepared at all. The actual content of such seafood dishes varies with the seasons, but generally consists of whatever detritus can be skimmed from the water's surface easiest. Some tourists say that they have tasted sautéed condoms and hypodermic needles in some Norman restaurants. But maybe it is just the culinary qualities of Norman cooks...

And despite being nominal Frenchmen, the Normans do not fixate on wine, but rather on hard cider. Not the sissy supermarket juice, but well-fermented, caustic, knock-out stuff, drunk from a wooden bowl (Norman cider may dissolve glass if not properly handled). Cider is preferred because, although the sea is nearby, apple trees are always nearer.

Normandy has a special regional cheese called "Camembert". This cheese is so notable and distinctive that it has a total of 0 articles describing it in Uncyclopedia.

History

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Normandy.

Early history

Normandy is rich in history. Prehistoric Normandy was inhabited by tribes who lived in caves. These were not cavemen, for one simple reason: Cavemen come from the south, but money had not been invented and there was no way to pay the toll, much less hire a bus, for a Mediterranean holiday.

Since the Normans were not cavemen, the inevitable conclusion is that they were Vikings.

Later, Normandy became a natural habitat for many bizarre species, such as barbarians, Saxon pirates, medieval Englishmen, and veritable Frenchmen. Vikings reappeared there in the ninth century. After several centuries of living together, everyone began considering themselves as Norman.

The English invaded Normandy during the Middle Ages, and the situation of Normans became disgraceful, at least compared to a time when a Norman called William reigned over all of England.

Shortly after, a well-known French war leader, Joan of Arc, was caught and burnt by Englishmen. The fact that she was burnt in Rouen caused widespread anger that led to all the English being thrown out of France. Many Normans wanted to go further and reconquer England. But they decided a harsher revenge would be to allow Frenchmen to rent houses there, therefore making the distance between the two nations almost negligible.

Modern era

American landing

Allies re-invading Normandy: it is what most of the region's patriots see in their nightmares.

Tank in Normandy

A person in the tank is a traveler deciding whether or not he should bring his friends to Normandy with him, knowing that the rent price is not very high.

Recent Norman history is repetitive. A war begins; enemies invade Normandy; then allies arrive and repel the enemies; and everyone eats Camembert and drinks cider.

One of the best examples of this is one of the greatest events of the Second World War: D-Day (which Normans call the "Allied Invasion of Normandy"). Normans had to endure this harsh experience for their national honour. Hitler was definitely worse than the Allies. The operation took place on the 6th of June and was greatly spoiled by weather in Normandy. After the WW2 Normans, in their defence, stated that this kind of weather delayed nazis from noticing the landing.

After several thousand British, American, Australian, Canadian and other soldiers have landed on Norman lands, its inhabitants have finally understood that everyone wants to live in Normandy without paying taxes to a national government. This lead to the creation of a "Norman Movement".

Le Mouvement Normand

Origins

During the Second World War, pilots from Normandy were taught by Soviet pilots how to fly a plane, and everything else that those Normans hadn't learnt in French aviation schools. This seemed to be useful to fight against fascists in the air. Soviet influence gave birth to the idea in the minds of Normans that Normandy does not have to depend on France in order to survive.

In 1960s, Normans finally had enough courage to create their own nationalist movement, to which they gave a very original name of the "Norman Movement" (same thing in French: "Le Mouvement Normand" except for the article "Le" and a a few letters which has come from nowhere).

This is the only organization in Normandy which can be considered terrorist. However, its members proclaim that they do not want to be fully separate from France (terrorists do not always like being separate). No one is aware of its secret plans and therefore every day the Norman Movement gains more attention amongst French politicians.

The flag that Norman Movement uses is an unofficial flag of Normandy. It strangely has the same colours as the flag of the USSR.

Main Goals

  • Haute-Normandie and Basse-Normandie should be unified to fight as a single region of "Normandie".
  • The regional government of Normandy should be provided with more authority in order to form its own army.
  • The "unique" civilisation of Normandy, formed with elements of Anglo-Norman as well as Gallic blood should be recognised and preserved. This is why:
  1. All kinds of marriage (even homosexual) should be forbidden between a Norman and a French person.
  2. Any French person living in Normandy should pay additional taxes to the Norman government (in order to decrease the amount of Frenchmen going to live in Normandy).
  3. However, any Norman person living in any other French region should pay taxes only to the Norman government.

Those goals have not been accomplished yet. Otherwise, the Norman movement would not exist any more.

Language

Coincidence

This is not strictly true: even French people cannot understand Norman.

Although the official language in Normandy is French, the main language spoken there is Norman. It belongs to the North-Viking family of languages and is a type of Somewhere-Between-English-And-French dialect. Some words in English and French come from the Norman language but it is still considered to be a messed-up French and doesn't have a good reputation amongst French people (a proof of this is the French expression 'to answer in Norman' which means to answer ambiguously and evasively) and is not considered at all by English people. There are French people who think that the Norman language is easy to understand. But it is a giant mistake. If this person suddenly finds himself in the company of a group of Normans having a conversation, and he tries to figure out the topic of the talk, he will probably fail. You may think that Normans are peacefully discussing today's weather, but it's equally likely they're actually be planning the launch of nuclear missiles.

Tourist attractions

“It has a lovely old town centre, and a beautiful cathedral, but the weather! It's just far too hot!”
~ Joan of Arc on Rouen

On arriving to Normandy, the weary traveller is immediately introduced to something called Norman hospitality. Even if he was not really going to spend much time there, he will find he has little choice in the matter. Normans can't stand the fact that someone can be completely unaware of their culture, so they begin introducing the tourist (even if he is not one) to Normandy's places of interest. These are:

  • Notre-Dame de Rouen, similar to the Notre-Dame de Paris, except that the latter has actual visitors.
  • Mont-Saint-Michel, situated on the border of the 2 regions, it is a cause of the most brutal conflict in history between Normandy and Brittany
  • Giverny, a place where Claude Monet lived. Houses there are probably not of the best quality, knowing that at least one of them (the one that Monet bought) costed less than potatoes in the 19th century and has never been changed.
  • Deauville and Trouville, which are known as seaside resorts and...seaside resorts.
  • Place du Vieux-Marché, the pride of Rouen, was not a very interesting place until a notorious tourist was burnt there.

By the time the tourist has finished visiting all of these (and more), he is exhausted. Though, normally, hospitable Normans let the tourists out after several days, this is not much comfort to a terrified tourist. So the tourist tries to escape very quickly (knowing the story of Joan of Arc), often to Brittany (which he will soon regret).

See also

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