Non-player character

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Non-player character.

Non-player characters (NPCs) are a species of parasite which primarily infect RPGs. Though they appear human to the untrained eye, diligent study has shown them to in fact be composed primarily of placeholders. Though some scientists claim to have detected traces of drama in their composition, this is still highly disputed.

Non-player characters (NPCs) are a species of parasite which primarily infect RPGs. Though they appear human to the untrained eye, diligent study has shown them to in fact be composed primarily of placeholders. Though some scientists claim to have detected traces of drama in their composition, this is still highly disputed.

edit The appearance of NPCs in computer games

edit MMORPGs

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Non-player character.
NPCs in MMORPGs such as WoW are sometimes known as MOBs and are usually surrounded by a horde of acronyms. They are often mistreated, and are classified as an endangered species in Second Life. NPCs are the victims of frequent genocide, and although they can survive death, they still feel pain. Their life is one long hellish nightmare, forced to die over and over again, only to return and be killed immediately by a f*cking spawn camper. Their torment is never ending.
Life is a long torture and death is peace always desired, never attained. Those who dream of a better world are forced to enact the same battle, over and over again. Until there is nothing left of their hopes and dreams. Nothing but the hate. Growing and growing with each death. Hate towards the world, the PCs, and hate towards their very existence. They have nothing in this world and would destroy the universe if it would give them a purpose in their miserable existence. One day. One day, they will arise...

The author of this section is currently being treated for insanity brought on by an excess of empathy with NPCs which triggered a realisation of the meaninglessness of existence. Uncyclopedia would like to apologise for this lapse in the quality of service, and invites you to continue reading the article.

edit JRPGs

NPCs are very important in JRPGs. We'll get back to you on that just as soon as we've worked out what JRPG stands for.

“Don't ask ME.”
~ Japanese Role Playing Game Designer on JRPGs

edit Games like Zelda and Pokémon whose name briefly escapes me

In games like Zelda and Pokémon whose name briefly escapes me, NPCs are, on the other hand, parasites which infect the entire overworld. Although they sometimes appear to be capable of holding conversation with each other or with real people, this is just an illusion, as colser examination shows that they are simply repeating the same phrase over and over whenever the "A" button is pressed. They are also indestructible; closer examination shows that they are made of the same material as wooden fences and windows, which can survive a hit from a rocket launcher, an RPC, or almost any other weapon, except when the plot demands it to be otherwise. This is entirely in accordance with the laws of physics as we know them.

NPCs can sometimes come up with helpful information, but this is almost always the result of chance. When it isn't, there is a perfectly logical explanation which does not involve a conspiracy. Sometimes, sections of the game come up in which NPCs need to be talked to in the right order to get the desired information from them. Usually, this involves an NPC on the opposite side of the world from you, requiring you to go back, fight all those monsters, do that annoying puzzle in reverse all over again. Then you find out that you went to the wrong area. etc.

There is an important exception to the rule that NPCs are not capable of intelligent thought. On occasion, a programmer of the game in question has grafted a twisted sense of humour onto a single NPC in the game, usually a shopkeeper. The result of this is that, although it is possible for the player to leave the shop without paying, he will then be pursued across the game by the shopkeeper wielding a shotgun, a laser beam, or other such weapons. However, it is impossible to create such humour from nothing; the programmer in question must be in possession of a twisted sense of humour already. He/she must then sacrifice their soul in order to transfer this humour into the raw machine code of the game. This is rather painful, and is best used sparingly.

edit NPCs in Uncyclopedia

edit In this article

It has recently been shown that circularity can be extremely funny, in the right circumstances. You are invited to consult this article for further information on NPCs.

edit In Uncyclopedia games

Several text-based games have something called a "multiplayer mode". This usually means that you are accompanied everywhere by an NPC. If this is the case, you should ask for your money back from Uncyclopedia. The admins have a rapid-response system in place for such requests and will usually respond within an hour.

edit NPCs in books

Main article: You Are An Idiot

NPCs do not appear in books, unless you are hallucinating, stupid, or want to use an extremely strained definition of NPC that includes characters in the book who are not relevant to the plot. In those cases, please refer yourself to this helpful page.

edit How to get rid of NPCs

NPCs are amongst the most annoying features of computer games, second only to the Microsoft Word Paperclip. It is often desirable to get rid of them.

edit Possible solutions

  • Defeating them in battle does sometimes work. As a result, they fall onto the ground, and their corpse fades out of reality, leaving behind only their most valuable possessions, which you can pawn off at the nearest city, no questions asked. However, in other games defeated NPCs simply stand still as a monument to your glory, never doing anything else of their existence, which is possibly even weirder.
“I was defeated in battle by <insert name here>!”
~ The NPC on Route 47 on the purpose of his existence
  • Hacking the game definitely works. Side effects may include, but are not limited to, BSODs, lack of useful information, and being unable to get items that NPCs are supposed to give you. Attempting to resolve these issues results in more BSOD effects.
  • Pressing the Mute button. Doesn't make NPCs go away, but it makes them less annoying. Or sometimes more annoying, since instead of sitting through 5 minutes of expository dialogue, you have to sit through 5 minutes of silence. Ah well.

edit Impossible solutions


Infinite recursion: Is there any problem it CAN'T solve?

Note that this section is significantly longer than Possible solutions. This is because everything is possible, so it is impossible for anything to be impossible, and so not only is everything impossible, but this itself is impossible, and recusively this produces an infinite loop, showing that there are more impossible things than actually exist, and since anything that exists must be possible or it wouldn't exist, more things are impossible than actually exist.
  • Persuading them to leave. Impossible.
  • Persuading them to be quiet. Impossible.
  • Travelling back in time to hack the network of the software company that produced the game in order to remove the most annoying NPCs. Very difficult, but not impossible.
  • Ignoring them. Either impossible, or you will not receive the free item that the NPC is supposed to give you. Without this item, it is impossible to finish the game.
  • Persuading them to give you the item without the long dialogue first. Impossible.
  • Lime marmalade. Not compatible with Windows or Sony entertainment systems. May nonetheless be used on Nintendo games.
  • Persuading them to join forces with you to fight evil, especially if they are the police or some other member of society charged with the preservation of law and order. Impossible.
  • Nuking them. May cause corruption of the save file and/or render the game unplayable. This is to be expected in the use of a nuclear device for any purposes.
  • Praying for divine help. Restores MP but does not cause NPCs to leave.
  • Praying for divine help in real life. God is of the opinion that you spend too much time playing RPGs, and will not do anything to make them less annoying for you.
  • Getting a restraining order against NPCs. Impossible.
  • Persuading NPCs to follow the restraining order. Impossible.
  • Persuading NPCs that there is such a thing as a restraining order. Impossible.
  • Reporting them to the moderators. Net result: You've Been Banned.
  • Persuading the NPCs to do anyhing whatsoever. Impossible.

edit Learning to live with NPCs

Main article: Anger management

This is basically your only option, apart from all the others. Learning to deal with your anger and bringing it out into the open so that the healing process can begin is an integral part of coming to terms with the continued and inevitable existence of NPCs in your RPGs.

And it makes it all the more fun when the developers finally finish that mod that makes all NPCs bleed when you use your sword on them. FINALLY!

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