Non-Lethal Weapons

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War and fighting in general have been favourite pastimes for the human race since they first learned how to throw rocks. However, in more recent times, a great many people have been questioning such things, saying that it is morally wrong to kill other people. This has resulted in a great increase in popularity of non-lethal weapons. Non-lethal weapons are weapons specifically designed to do as much damage to someone or something as possible without killing it. Depending on the weapon, this damage can either be physical, mental or both. As you can tell, only pussy-ass-bitches use this type of weapon. In fact, only the people who play Modern Warfare 2 could make it gayer.

Uses of non-lethal weapons

Non-lethal weapons are usually favoured by Liberals, hippies, women, gays, and girly-men in general. There are several uses for non-lethal weapons, mostly where infliction of damage is appropriate, but death isn't:

  • When you're not manly enough to kill someone
  • Ritual humiliation
  • Incentive for slaves to work harder
  • In case you've been stranded in some kind of "opposites" alternate universe, and have to kill someone.
  • Actually, on second thought, there are no excuses for non-lethal weapons

Types of non-lethal weapon

There are several types of non-lethal weapons, each with its own merits and drawbacks.

The pen

The pen has long been used as a non-lethal alternative to standard lethal weaponry, and is most useful in that it affords the wielder the ability to write "COCK", "I SUCK" or some other insult of his choosing on the foreheads of enemies he has slain (non-lethally). The pen is historically the better choice of weaponry when faced by a man with a sword, but in recent times, there have been several technological advancements in sword-making business, and so it is not advisable to challenge a foe wielding a sword when armed only with a pen. Unless you are far, far away at the time unless you use it as a spear.

The first recorded use of the pen as a weapon was by Oscar Wilde, on Valentine's Day, 1895, after the premiere of His play, "The Importance of Being Earnest", an account of which was published in the local paper the next day:

Cquote1 It was after the play was finished, and Wilde was leaving the theatre. A man (later identified as one Mr. Boyce) ran up to Wilde and shouted, "that was utterly awful!". Wilde simply took out his pen and a piece of paper, wrote the word "buffoon" on it, and attached it to the pen. Mr. Wilde then proceeded to stab Mr. Boyce in the face with said pen. Cquote2

Water pistol

Canadian Soldiers

Canadian soldiers using non-lethal weapons in the field.

The water pistol is one of the oldest types of non-lethal weapons. Its use has been recorded as far back as the Middle Ages, where people would carve water pistols out of wood, and fire them at each other in jest. They went out of fashion in parts of Europe for a long time after that, mostly due to one being used on the Pope on a visit to London in 1647. The Catholic Church immediately outlawed all water pistols, and anyone caught using one was to be burned at the stake as an enemy of Catholicism. In Protestant countries, conversely, use of a water pistol became practically mandatory. King William III of England had his life saved at the Battle of Chipping Sodbury by a member of his personal bodyguard, The King's Own Aqua-Fusiliers, who was toting a Superior-Soaker -300.

Water pistols have regained popularity in recent times, most likely due to the recent trend of people wanting to do stuff the church doesn't want them to. They were also popularised by the practice of "happy spraying", where one person (usually a drunken youth) would run up to a complete stranger on the street and spray water all over their crotch, giving the effect that that person has urinated on themselves. Water pistols are also used by special peace-keeping forces in war-torn areas, in order to keep the locals in order without angering them too much. Some say that the great leonardo da vinci used one to fend off ferocious wolves wile holding the famous painting the mona lisa.

Inflatable mallet

The inflatable mallet is a classic weapon used mainly to infuriate an enemy. They often come in many shapes and sizes, but the bigger it is, and louder the squeak when it hits, the more effective the weapon. It was used to great effect at the battle of Thermopylae by King Leonidas' elite 300 Spartans to destroy over 7 Billion Persians.

The M16 "assault" Rifle

The M16 is one of the most harmful non-lethal weapons, not because of the countries that use it ie; The United States but because it kills everyone, and because it's made mostly of U.S. pride, you can use it to hit people, making it the most lethal weapon ever created (short of the U.S Army).

Paper Sword

Paper swords, while non-lethal in the hands of humans, can inflict a series of papercuts on to the intended victim, 1/137941243239 of the time on purpose, but almost always when they least expect it (Note: paper swords are notorious for hurting the user). These paper cuts hurt like a S.O.B especially when you put salt on them.

Paper swords in the hands of stickmen, are deadly however.

Rubber Bullets

Rubber bullets were a failed attempt to create an environmentally friendly alternative to "cappin' yo' ass". The mistake was noticed when Holmes (as we shall call him) capped Foo' in the ass. The energetic projectile proceeded to "proxy-cap" other Foo's in the ass before Holmes realized he had acquired "a whole load of beef". Whilst being an effective way of starting gang wars it was by no means "friendly" and certainly not an "alternative" to pumpin a Foo' full of good old lead. After hearing of these intriging events the US commissioned a less-than-leathal weapon named B.O.U.N.C.E., however research has paused as developers are still trying to think of a good backronym capable of toppling the P.H.A.S.R. off of its throne.

Ninja Throwing-Spoons

Demonstrating the ancient history of the nonlethal weaponry concept, these cunning devices were issued to riot-control ninjas in place of throwing-knives. they ether use a metal spoon or even plastic and sometimes plexiglass.

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