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The Nobel Prize or, as the French would say, L'Nobel Prize is the world's most ironic award for peace, started by the inventor of BFG, Mr Nobel. An important requirement for any decent Nobel Prize winner is to have a huge-ass moustache, grey beard and a pot belly.
In addition to the peace prize, a Nobel prize is awarded for many different scientific disciplines, which are enumerated and explained in greater detail below. In order to win one of these, you either have to discover something really awesome like how to make a cat speak English using mind-control electrodes or walk around saying stuff about the universe that a character in a movie who is supposed to be smart might say. Nobel recipient Albert Einstein provided us with an ideal example of this type of jargon when he remarked, "The epsilon tau of a fourth order quadrant with a p-risk rating of eight yields donut-shaped spacetime and hence conclusively proves Angelina Jolie didn't steal Brad away from Jen since it makes apparent that conditions otherwise would have violated the third law of thermonucleopolygrams."
One day, Alfred Nobel, the famous Swedish game show host realised that one day he would be dead and, therefore, no longer able to give out fabulous prizes. Unable to cope with such a prospect, Nobel gave a large sum of money to the King of Sweden, who spent it on things that he was a needin', such as a house built of gold and steel and a diamond car with platinum wheels.
Realising what a silly thing he'd done, Nobel gave another fortune to the King of Norway, who was far less sensible, and who instituted the annual issue of Nobel Prizes. The Nobel Prize should not be confused with the Nobel Price under penalty of law.
Nobel viewed the people of Sweden as idiots who would only give the peace prize to their own mooses, and therefore gave the pacifist Norway the honor of giving out this award. The Norwegians, who dress up like Santa when they go to war, rarely harm anyone and needed something to do. This Prize goes to the person who can stop the most wars in a 365 day period. Michael Ellman has won this prize roughly 12,943 times. What a great man! Remember though that the Nobel Peace Prize doesn't actually do shit to help support peace...
Far more frequently seen, the Nobel War Prize recognises 'that warmonger, tyrant, ne'er do well or abject bastard who has done the most to ruin civilisation and bully and subjugate the peoples of the Earth within the last year'. In the event of a tie, the winner is chosen by an additional battle to the death.
This prize is awarded to all those guys that makes the TV-show Scrubs. Other winners include Lil Jon "For his hard work of bringing modern drugs into the clubs." Norton Antivirus "For his incredible heroism when curing a computer from like 300 viruses in like 5 minutes like shit that was fast man." and Zombie Silvia Bernadotte of Sweden, "For her being able to be alive even if she's like dead! WTF!"
Physics and Gastroenterology
Often considered the toughest Nobel Prize to win, even though there are very few physicists. Awarded to the person who knows the most about asymptotic freedom, tunneling in superconductors, or other far-out things that actually have practical applications, i.e. in electronic devices. Following the tragic loss of numerous physicists to a sudden outbreak of gastric failure, the Swedes officially appended the prize to include honorable mentions for progress in Gastroenterology. Some people place blame for this squarely on the Scandanavian diet, which of course is made up primarily of lutefisk and other such slimy concoctions that in all likelihood were originally created in pre-historic "fear factor"-like contests. Hey, at least it's not proctology. Whoever invents the death ray will win the physics, peace, AND war prizes.
In 2006 the Alpha Geek prize was added by the Nobel Foundation. The first winner of this award was Vanessa Herbold from Worcester, Massachusetts.
Not including biochemistry; successful biochemists win Olympic gold medals instead.
The annual award for the most 'top bloke or good sort' in Australia. Most recently won by Vincent James McWillis of Kiama, New South Wales, who has received the award five years running.
The Nobel Prize in litterature shall according to the secret funding instructions every year be given to an unknown mediocre writer with great capacity to provoke good taste and foreign politicians, except the French. See Swedish Academy
Rape And Pillage
Given to those individuals most fond and talented in the areas of burning, killing, maiming, and forcing people to do things beyond the manner of saying, "C'mon!". Recent winners include Attila the Hun, Adolf Hitler, and, however reluctantly, Dick "Boom Stick" Cheney. The after show for this award is the best. So says Q-day Hussein.
Being a Creepy Bastard
Finding of Doub-O
This prize was claimed by Fort Kream Puph In The Order of ΠΔ. They had sighted Doub-O several times before confirming their finding of him. The time between when Doub-O went missing, and the time that he was found was called the The Great Doub-O-Pression. Further handing outs of this prize have been discontinued unless Doub-O goes missing again.
Being Mr. T
Won by Mr T for 32 years in a row, until 2001 when Mick Jagger was the surprise winner. However, after Mr. T administered a severe beat-down to Jagger, the outcome being the swollen lip, and threatened the world with a nuclear holocaust, the judges reversed their decision.
Indie (or Indiekypsaquetavexplip)
The award for the person who gets the closest to defining Indie. Started 5-1-1974, has never been awarded.
Invariably awarded to the Mathstronaut who discovers the new Biggest Number Ever (which are now only found in space due to the thoughtless number ploughing seen on Earth in the 18th and 19th centuries). Many allege that there is no such prize, but this is merely a conspiracy propogated by the American government who use these numbers for encryption purposes and occasionally for tasteful throw rugs.
Teh nboel pizre fro dyslexia is arwarded ervy yaer to the perosn with the wosrt speling. It si prvoen that thre is corrletaoin between winers of this awrd and winers of cuontdown.
How To Win One In 3 Easy Steps
1) Ask a Jew
2) Ask a Male
3) Ask that friend of yours who is smart in that one way and is anti social but not really because he does get out and writes a bunch but not too much but usually a bunch somewhat and probally has black hair. Simple. I know.
Added bonus: Get a moustache.
Finding This Article, Without Having Visited This Page Beforehand
As of yet, no-one has been awarded this prize. Pity you can't be.