Nobby Portsmouth

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Gigantic walrus

Nobby treats a policeman to a song, a dance and a bit of noise from his trusty bell during a Portsmouth match played on Boxing Day 2003.

“I'm wild about Nobby.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Nobby

Nobby Portsmouth (1963-) is perhaps Portsmouth Football Club's best known supporter. He is also the supporter that looks, acts and farts most like a clown. Also known as John Westwood (although that is a dull name), Nobby was previously a child star in Coco the Clown's Travelling Circus.

edit Match-days


Nobby's favourite rock god

Wei-Bearded Lady

Nobby's mother, Beatrix Portsmouth


Match-days are Nobby's favourite days. Nobby keeps a strict routine on these days. He wakes up early, reads a copy of the Bell and Bugle and eats lots of alphabetty-shaghetti. When putting on match-day clown clothes and shoes he likes to listen to the songs of William Shatner.

Nobby likes the go to the Portsmouth games - home and away - with his sidekicks, Billy the Bugle and Barry the Bell. Together they make sweet music together that on the odd occasion is in tune. Pre-match Nobby likes a glass of milk served with some very nice cookies. Post-match Nobby drowns himself in Fosters and gives Billy a good blow and Barry a good shake.

edit Young age

Echoing the plight of Nelly the Elephant, Nobby grew up in the circus. His mother was Beatrix Portsmouth, the Bearded Lady of the Year 1956 and his father was Terry Portsmouth, the World's Strongest Midget 1958. They loved Nobby but made him ply his trade as a clown from the age of two and three quarters onwards.

Excelling at clowning around, Nobby's clown skills grew and grew, as did his fame. He was a partcularly keen unicyclist and was not bad on the high wire unlike THAT accident back in 1976. Nobby started a romance with the bearded lady who looked remarkably like his mother, but then again most bearded women like quite similar. Anyway, it wasn't his mother and she dumped him cruelly and publicly. Annoyed that he could find a woman in the travelling circus that didn't have a beard, Nobby sensationally quit aged 16.

edit Latter life

Nobby moved to Portsmouth after his time at the circus and continued with his love of milk and cookies. He began working for the specialist newspaper, Bell and Bugle, where he was the pun editor, working alongside Billy and Barry. Being a bit rubbish at puns, Nobby quit to work as a full-time football fan. However, he did take with him a love of bells, bugles and trees. The latter we can't explain. To fill up his spare time Nobby also started going to see the occasional Pompey game. Soon he was a dedicated fan and so too were his new friends Billy and Barry.

Nobby engaged in a bit of forebidden love when he started developing feelings for Nobina Southampton in 2006. Nobina is another clown-come-football supporter but this time for the local rivals, Southampton. However, she dumped him as all women do. Nobby likes to keep the 'Whole Nobina Thing' a bit quiet. Please do not discuss this with anybody.

edit Rivalry

Nobby is quite competitive. He claims to be a better supporter than Liverpool's Badge Man, the Fat Geordie or Grimsby's Mr Angry. He also claims to be more musically talented than Same Difference and Weird Al Yankovekic. He admits that he ain't a patch on the Chuckle Brothers. Last but not least, he isn't too keen on Southampton Football Club.

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