No Orleans

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An aerial photograph of New Orleans (provided by Google Earth.

New Orleans is located in Louisiana. Out of all the cities in America, it is probably the most accurately depicted in the movies. New Orleanians do have Southern drawls. We sound like New Yorkers less than anything else. Of course, the film industry would know that, because it's run by a bunch of Left-Coast pussies who are apparently too wise and big-penised to actually come down here and get their Pradas dirty. Effette bitches.


New Orleans was founded by the Spanish a long time ago. Then the French came along under Napoleon, whupped Spain's ass (without surrendering once), and took the entire Louisiana territory (which, at the time, went all the way up to what is now Canada) in exchange for not completely ruining Spain's shit. If that sounds unbelievable, keep in mind that France was led by a Corsican at the time. After quickly deciding that the Louisiana territory was useless, Napoleon sold the whole damn thing to the United States, who broke the territory up into smaller pieces to keep from being devoured by it. New Orleans was in the Louisiana territory. It's, like, at the bottom.

Life in New Orleans

You know how the rest of the country thinks of places like Tennessee and Kentucky as "The South"? That's "The North" to us. "North" to New Orleanians is "anywhere where it, like, doesn't snow in the yearround."

And we don't have Southern accents. Runaway Jury, The Client, and Double Jeopardy can kiss my ass.

Most of us are French, but we shower regularly and are not assholes. Our women are fat from all the beignets, though, and weigh, on average, the same as a Chevy Tahoe. This is a boon for the local snow-shoe sellers who spend all their time repairing damaged and crushed tennis rackets.

Things for Tourists to do in New Orleans

Suck on my cocks. Seriously. Every Mardi Gras, a bunch of drunk-ass chicks come on down here, drink overpriced booze, and have drunken sex with me - fourteen at a time. Those hos on Girls Gone Wild? Tourists. All of them. Real New Orleanians are too busy getting out-of-towners drunk, dragging one (or more) of them back to our places, and having technically consensual sex with them to waste time flashing tit, with the exception of the men.

Yes, I am aware that I just said that we are not assholes, like, five seconds ago. I was right. You should be so lucky as to fuck one of us.

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