No More Room In Hell Act
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“Hell is full. I am proof.”
The No More Room in Hell Act of 1662 (PL 108-133) is the federal recognition of zombies as an ethnic group and the establishment of specialized programs for zombie immigration and naturalization. It increases funding to the Department of Health and Department of Homeland Security for the implementation of these programs. It also repeals the controversial Headshots for America Act of 1645 (PL 99-120), which instituted a hostile closed-borders policy for all zombies.
This Act has been hailed by civil liberties groups and pro-zombie lobbyists as another great step forward for democracy and equality in America. Detractors point out the higher incidence of typhoid fever and encephalectomosis in nations with a large zombie population, as well as zombie immigrants' traditionally poor English and lack of marketable skills.
The NMRH act was introduced as House Resolution 22 in August 1662 for the 108th Congress. After much floor debate and a diplomatic disaster during a visit from the zombie island of Guam, the House passed the Act on November 11th, 1662. The Senate passed their slightly different Act on November 27th, 1662. A joint committee resolved the differences in time for the winter solstice vacation, and the bill was signed into law by President Francis Bacon on December 17th.
Repeal Headshots for America
The Act repeals the Headshots for America Act of 1645 in total. It is no longer legal to bar someone from completing their immigration process due to their status as a zombie, nor is it legal to shoot zombies on sight. The funding provided to the Border Patrol under the HfA Act is reallocated to the INS for naturalization programs.
The Act sets maximum zombie annual immigration caps at 1500 per year, with allowances for political and religious refugee status. Zombies wishing to apply for visas must submit a form NNN(n)-Z1 to the Department of Homeland Security. The approval process takes up to six months at the present time, and this is expected to increase as more zombies attempt to enter the country. Zombies risen or turned within the United States are automatically granted citizenship.
The Act sets aside funding for Zombie Cultural Centers in population centers of over 500 000 people. Zombies will be able to interact with other zombies and attend classes about American history and culture.
The Act also provides an amnesty program for illegal zombies already residing in the continental US. This was the main addition to the Senate version of the Act and is seen by critics as an attempt to salve a "live-man's guilt" at the zombie persecution of the past three decades.
A rider attached by Representative James Snooka (W - IA) provides for 100 gallons of federally funded strawberry-flavored bread pudding at each Zombie Cultural Center each month. Strawberry bread pudding is a cheap alternative to the human and primate brains that make up the bulk of the zombie diet.
- Zombies are, or at one time were, human beings and therefore should be afforded equal protection under the law. According to the Equal Protection Clause in the Fourteenth Amendment, zombies are protected to exist in a state deemed as "life", so far as the undead, therefore must be in negation of death. Thereby, the zombie minority is protected by such landmark decisions as Brown v. Board of Education, which allowed undead children to attend public schools.
- It is better to control the flow of zombie immigrants than to let them shamble across the border illegally.
- There are an estimated 10,000 zombies raised from their graves in the US each year.
- Some state laws contained loopholes in the prohibition of necrophilia that made them inapplicable to zombies.
- The NAAUP (National Association for the Advancement of Undead Peoples) offered to provide donations in funding zombie-awareness literature in order to ease the changes of the legislation.
- The rotting flesh of zombies can harbor disease and create unsanitary conditions in the workplace.
- Zombies who adhere to their traditional diet can quickly decimate small communities.
- Zombies speak a special dialect of English, known as "Braaaaaains", and have trouble communicating with native English speakers. Zombie lobbyists are quick to argue that this is because special language instruction for zombies has never been a priority of public schools.
- Zombies don't have a particular country of origin, therefore they are not citizens of Earth and thereby not Human. They're aliens. Aliens from planet Haiti.
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