No More Heroes

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No More Heroes
The most awesome mothafuck'n game of the motahfuck'n Wii.
Developer(s) Ubisoft
Release date 2007
Genre Free-Form
Platform(s) Wii
Rating AO for "Actually Oblivious"
“All the heroes died.”
~ Captain Obvious on No More Heroes
“But what's wrong with heroes? Why do you want no more of them?”
~ Superman on No More Heroes
“Yeah, f*** you too old man.”
~ Travis Touchself on anyone over 35
“I swear, if I was chocolate, I'd eat myself right now.”
~ Travis Touchself on self cannibalism

No More Heroes (known as "Wanted" in Japan) is among the few games of the Nintendo Wii that does not smell like urine.

edit Gameplay

The game became infinitly popular among nerds, since the main protagonist was one of their own. The main weapon of the game is a sperm powered lightsaber, which is a lot more deadly than it sounds. When out of energy, players use the special "Wiiwii remote" to jack off into, in order to recharge their sword. This feature has been widely criticzed for being unfair to gamers who haven't reached puberty, and very, very old men who can't get hot on anything anymore. The fighting also incorporates professional wrestling moves such as "skull kruncher" "nut cracker" and "ass rape". However, some moves, such as "fluffy bunny hug" had to be censored due to their graphic, obsene nature.

In the game, you can buy new moves, upgrades, and novelties with creative imaginative tokens known as "Mon-E's". To collect Mon-E's you must go through wonderful, exciting mini games such as "mow the lawn" and "take out the trash". However, you must kill the hordes of mexicans who will try to take these jobs from you.

There is also a mode known as "play time" with your kitten Jeanne. This is widely regarded to be the most violent, graphic part of the game, ecspecially with its lack of grues.

edit Plot


Travis's kitten Jeanne, shortly before killing someone in dirty ways.

The story takes place on an alternate earth, where all the super heroes got killed, and the villains took over (hence, the name "No More Heroes"). In the magical fantasy land of California, the protagonist Travis Touchself, is a nerdy goth loving liberal whose parents died a mysterious death. After realizing that he secretly had super powers, he adopts the creative, imaginative name of "killer". While investigating his parent's murder he joins the Brotherhood of Father Rapists, but later decides to kill them all after finding out that they didn't have a dental plan. Along the way, Travis gains an annoying Irish stalker named Henry. Like all true stalkers, Henry has creepy fantasies about raping to death his stalkee. At the end, it turned out that everything was a big con planned out by Travis's evil kitten Jeane, in revenge for feeding her such cheap cat food for all those years. Luckily, Jeane gets killed by Shinto Buu, whom Travis was unable to kill because his massive blubber that protected him. And the game ends with a happing ending, where Travis gets a restraining order agiants Henry, and goes off to marry the only person he ever had respect for.....himself.

edit Bosses

To advance in the story you must battle with the other villains in the League of Father Rapists. These wonderfully creative and lovable characters include:

  • 11. Alucard His awesomeness was reduced by 90% due to budget problems but was still impossible to beat, so they made the entire scene non-playable.

  • 10. Ganondorf Tried to take over California with a gigantic laser butter knife and stupid English accent.

  • 9. Dr. Peace Not only is he not a doctor, but he's also a warmongering Republican. OMG LIES!

  • 8. Shinto Buu (the DBZ villain who converted to shintoism)

  • 7. Destroyman A former Megaman Robot Master is very vain since he named all his attacks after himself.

  • 6. Heather Mills (you have no idea what losing a leg did to her mind)

  • 5. Letz Shake (uses a gigantic Coldwar superweapon that falls apart after two minutes like everything else made in Russia)

  • 4. Harvey the Wonder Hamster (he doesn't bite, he doesn't squeal, he just runs around on his hamster wheel)

  • 3. Your Mom She dosn't like you playing violent videogames, so she's going to punish you with her gigantic energy cannon.

  • 2. Mean Girls (most male players had trouble battling the horrible humor of this movie)

edit Reception

No More Heroes has been well received among most critics, and Geeks worldwide, celebrated for finally having one of their own being a main protagonist. The Geek Gamer magazine, however, gave it a low 79%, complaining about the massive amounts of sperm required (which they obviously didn't have). The next morning they were found mysteriously hacked to pieces...

edit Controversy

At the end of the game, Travis breaks the fourth wall and screams to the audience "THIS IS MY FACE WHILE FUCKING YOU IN THE ASS". The gay community was enraged by this, since they were not given the ass fucking they were promised, and so they tried boycotting No More Heroes. After profits dropped by .0001%, Nintendo proposed that they would hold a special "conference for the gays, in which Travis would give them their ass fucking. Unfortunately, Travis was exhausted within moments from the vast ocean of gay ass that he had to please.

edit Sequel

An upcoming sequel called "No More Heroes: the desperate struggle to turn this game off" is planned. Needless to say, it will be even more badass with more excessive swearing, shock gore, and soft porn. Travis will now be fighting Bad Horse's Evil League of Evil, after they refused to validate his parking. New boss characters include:

  • Cloud Strife The creators used the money they gained from the previous game to turn Cloud Strife into a fatherrapin' badass. Unfortunately, more emo.
  • The Death of Santa Claus The alleged killer of Santa Claus who made many North American children cry.
  • Pyro Mphhh mphh mph mphhhhhhh!
  • Dr. Letz Shake A Terminator reject with lame grammar and no ass to shake. Also with a PhD in Geology.
  • Me! Me! Yeah it's you.
  • Revolver Ocelot In No More Heroes, Ocelot is No More Awesome.
  • New Destroyman The only new thing is that there are now two REAL robotmasters.
  • Jee the Roo Jee the Roo hops around and around and around, until he dies.
  • Margaret Some type of butter.
  • The Curry Fucktarded cousin of Fury from Metal Gear Solid with same mental problems.
  • Alice from Twilight.
  • Casper Yes! Casper is the last boss of the game! You're disappointed! I know! wait, it was Jasper.

edit Movie

A movie adaptation of the world renowned game was directed by Mark Miller, and starring Emeniem and Hailey Barry. However, they weren't actually interested in making an adaptation, but rather an excuse to do generic Matrix effects, black leather, explosions, and soft porn. They changed the story entirely, so it wouldn't have jack shit to dowith the game, took away all the characters except Travis and Jeanne, and replaced Travis's cool lightsaber with shitty guns. And to top it off, they named this monstrosity after its Japanese name "Wanted". Fans of the game across the world were outraged, yet somehow, the movie topped the box office, and became better known than the game ever was.

edit Wanted: Weapons of Mate

And, to add insult to more insult, they are now making a video game....based on the horrible movie! The undoubtdly gay game will focus on Travis increasing his adreniline by consuming as many energy drinks as possible, while batling unimaginative assassins.

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