No Man's Sky

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No Man's Sky
RockShooterPro2016
Developer(s) Hello Games
Release date 2016
Genre First-person rock shooting / walking simulator
Platform(s) PS4, View-Master Stereoscope
Would Black Jesus play it? That big diamond in the sky must contain some nice rocks to shoot

No Man's Sky is a video game in which players can live out their sci-fi fantasies by shooting 12 different types of rock on 18 quintillion mildly dissimilar planets.

The game had been hotly anticipated since 1928 when Amelia "No Man" Earhart first took ownership of the sky in flying across the Atlantic Ocean while planting flags in clouds all along the way.

The game was delayed for many years as boffins had to first invent video game consoles, then invent a method by which enough pure hubris could be extracted from increasingly bearded men to generate entire planets, and simultaneously show the same tech demo for 30 years while still keeping gamers vaguely interested in the project. There was also a lengthy lawsuit brought about by a Mr Norman Skye, who claimed he never hurt a rock in his life and this was defamation of character. The final goal of the project was to add variations in gameplay, but this was eschewed in favour of adding more derpmonsters that poop gold.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about No Man's Sky.

edit Development

“They say the game is full of identical creatures, but you should see how many different bugs we found in the source code!”
~ Everyone who isn't Sean Murray, Hello Games

Most of the development for this game was conducted underwater in Guildford, England, without the aid of any breathing or shaving apparatus. Initial development used large amounts of stone and chisels, mainly for their waterproof properties, but later in development these were replaced by positronic brains and cravenlators.

edit Reception

“The thing's hollow -- it goes on forever -- and -- oh my God! -- it’s full of penis monsters!”
~ David Bowman (astronaut, not the footballer)'s brief review of No Man's Sky

Before it was released, No Man's Sky was the best game ever created. It won lots of prestigious awards, and the development team were given free waterproof houses made of solid gold by Sony.

Review copies were limited prior to general release after some notable reviewers had described No Man's Sky as a little bit boring. This was actually a rock mining pun but nobody got it. A few of these reviewers were shot at, presumably by fans because the gunshot wounds implied people who were skilled with guns that are primarily used for shooting rocks.

During its PS4 release, the world was full of "nyah nyah I have the game" vs "bah I'm still waiting for my copy", and on its PC release the game was so broken it wouldn't run, and this caused riots in the streets, now known as the "not so master race now are you, huh? riots". Many, many real-life rocks were injured during this time, and an annual memorial service is due to be held in commemoration.

Overall, the game turned out to be the nicest looking rock shooting simulator ever, and really that's all people ever really wanted out of it, so it was acclaimed as the best and most thrilling game of all time, garnering a stunning Metacritic rating of 103%.

edit Cast Of Characters

The game features 3 alien races who have different cultures and ideologies, but they all speak their own language and there's no penalty for choosing incorrect options, so most players have no idea that any form of story exists at all.

The first race is Daft Punk, who are addicted to checking Facebook, which is a little ironic because none of them have either faces or books.

The second race is the Parrot Lizard, who are very friendly and will do anything for money, so many players have been attempting to trigger sex scenes with them, Mass Effect style.

The third race is the Republican, who like to talk about war, prosperity and death! death! death! but never actually do anything, go outside or do anything fruitful.

There is also something called Atlas, and before you ask, it has no shoulders.

edit Gameplay

Most of the gameplay in No Man's Sky involves walking slowly and shooting rocks with a laser gun. After a while you can fix your spaceship and go into space to shoot rocks with a different kind of laser gun. You can also go to space stations in order to sell piles of rocks. Later on, you get to warp to new systems to find new planets full of rocks to shoot.

Sometimes planets have plants and creatures living on them, which usually look like hopping penises and/or giant butt plugs. You can try to play Pokemon Snap with some creatures, and are prompted to name them anything you like, but are not actually allowed to name them "Giant Penis Monster #53 this is getting silly".

NoMansPenisMonster

Most planets in our universe are devoid of life, but many contain hundreds of penis monsters

edit Easter Eggs

Diligent hackers have found that the game contains a 3D render of a monkey wearing a fez. People speculate that this is so that if Phil Fish ever tries to play the game, when he gets to the centre of the universe he will find an avatar of himself there, because otherwise it would shatter the core of his being. Again.

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