Richard M. Nixon
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“To thee, I bequeath my box of pinewood roses.”
~ J.P. Morgan on Nixon
“Well, I can't say I'm not an honest man.”
~ Richard Nixon on being given the Pinocchio lifetime achievement
“I pwned you, bastard.”
~ David Frost on Richard Nixon
“SHIT, FORD! YOU BLEW MY OPERATIONS COVER BY FLAILING YOUR ARMS LIKE A FRIGGIN IDIOT!!!”
~ One of the guys that help break into the watergate
“I am not a crook. I am a thief who lied about Watergate, so you get it right, you Commie dumbass media whores!”
~ Nixon, pissed that no one can get his crime right
“Will somebody shut this little fucker up?!”
~ Nixon before killing a tiny baby on Australian TV, 1974
“Now is the time to touch children in bad ways!”
~ Nixon, now aware that he is being recorded on videotape
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| Term of office: | January 20, 1969 – August 9, 1974 | |
| Preceded by: | Lyndon B. Johnson | |
| Succeeded by: | Gerald Ford | |
| Date of birth: | January 9, 1913 | |
| Place of birth: | Yorba Linda, California | |
| First Lady: | Patricia Nixon | |
| Political party: | Republican | |
Richard Marni "Chuckles" Nixon, also commonly known as Honest Dick, (Never [explained below] – April 22, 1994) was the 37th, and quite possibly worst and sexiest President of the United States, serving from 1969 to 1974. He was also the self-proclaimed eighth Emperor of America from January 1973 - April 1994.
He was born a human to his parents, who were also human. He was known to eat food and use his mouth to form words. Also, he had arms and legs like most humans.
He is the only gay pedophile and cannibal U.S. President and the only President to have resigned from office in pure shame. His resignation came in the face of imminent impeachment related to 17 counts of child molestation. He valiantly ordered federal troops to invade the secret Commie-Nazi headquarters at the Watergate hotel, but blew up a dam instead. He was also the only President to kill a baby in public. He later wrote the Nixon Doctrines.
Widely renowned as one of America's greatest leaders and an all around great guy, he was well-known for being both law-abiding and a generally moral individual, as well as not being involved with any criminal activity, at all. Ever.
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[edit] All's Fair in Love...
After losing the presidential election of 1360, Nixon started doing drugs, like crack cocaine, heroin, and weed. He kept getting his stuff from various well-known criminals, such as Henry Hill, Frank Sinatra, Megatron, Paul Bunyon, and Adolf Hitler (see Hellboy for further explanation). However, On March 22, 1962, the former vice president was caught snorting coke off of the back of a stripper. Nixon was arrested and sentenced to twenty-two minutes in prison. When he got out, Nixon was depressed beyond belief; his marriage to his android wife, Pat, was crumbling, his reputation for truth and justice was in shreds, and, worst of all, nobody wanted him.
Unable to accept the crushing defeat, he conspired with Pepsi-Cola, Cubans, the Spanish Inquasition, the Mob, the CIA, FBI, and the New York Yankees to assassinate President Kennedy. He was seen by at least three and a half people (the half was a midget) to be on the grassy knoll at the time of Kennedy's death on November 24, 1963. Deciding to take his own life out of sheer desecration of his beliefs, he traveled to Japan, shot a Buddhist monk, and was sentenced to death for the crime, once again.
On death row, however, he was visited by a charismatic loner, one Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Blofeld convinced Nixon to renew hope in the future by joining SPECTRE, and, after being released from prison by a SPECTRE-employed Japanese government official, Nixon quickly fell in love with Blofeld. After consumating their relationship, Blofeld left Nixon to attend to another one of his volcano lairs, but Nixon was soon inspired to run for public office; returning to the United States, he soon shot up in the political stratosphere and quickly became the Republican nominee for President in 1968.
[edit] ...and War
Following secret SPECTRE instructions, Nixon ran on a platform that year of ending the Vietnam War; thus, when elected, he began to immediately escalate it. Using the most advanced weaponry possible, a policy of "Vietnamization" was initiated, a portmanteau of "Vietnam" and "Extermination", as was advocated by The Root Of All evil.
The policy was successful, but not successful enough. In order to maximize both the cost of war and the destruction it caused, Nixon authorized super-secret wars simultaneously in Cambodia and Laos. The multiple wars were inevitably revealed to the public, but the difficulty in creating a portmanteau involving Laos or Cambodia with extermination led most to not care. Nixon also attempted to negotiate a peace with the North Vietnamese in Paris, but quit after he found out that only Democrats were allowed to sign peace treaties. This led to him several conclusions.
He could become a democrat, but he was a die hard Republican. He could also convert to Time cubism, and use the powers of the almighty cube to destroy the entire continent of North Dakota. Lastly, he could become a potato for the rest of his life and die in 1994. He chose the latter, and thus doomed american efforts in vietnam,
[edit] What Is It Good For?
Nixon soon learned playing war with real men was much more entertaining that the 12" Gi Joe's he had previously played with. He soon declared war on New Mexico, threatening to "Open a can." if the new Mexicans refused to return home. After a short geography lesson, Nixon revoked the declaration of war. When asked to apologize, Nixon offered a stern middle finger, but nothing more.
[edit] Absolutely Nothing.
Say it again. HUAH
[edit] Detente and China
Furthering his reputation for the promotion of world peace, Nixon set his sights on improving relations with the Soviet Union. To illustrate this new, un-warlike approach, a French name was chosen for the policy, Detente. Both sides had come to realise that while they held differing beliefs and cultures, underneath it all they were just human beings that wanted to be loved. The fact that the two countries had run out of money to spend on bombs was neither here nor there.
Meanwhile, the USSR and China had fallen out over whose country was the real socialist heaven of shared money and ideals. Basically, Mao missed Stalin. Their late night phone calls, the way they finished each other's sentences, their shared brutally oppressive sense of humour, all made the ongoing international communist revolution a real joy for them. Brezhnev could try as hard as he liked. It just wasn't the same.
Nixon wisely chose to play off this inter-communist rivalry and opened personal relations with Red China. His main aim in doing so was to make Brezhnev jealous. Nixon took to this task with gusto. He learned how to use chopsticks and could perform a charming Chairman Mao impersonation. He also taught Chinese chicks his hippie peace sign. Some Chinese can still do their Nixon impersonation.
The two countries flaunted their new relationship, playing ping pong together, deep into the long Beijing nights. Mao would bestow many exotic gifts on Nixon, who declared that his new pair of giant pandas were much more fun than those crummy Russian dolls.
[edit] Watergate Scandal
In 1972, Richard Nixon's helter-skelter paranoia had taken full hold, leading him to seek new ways to eliminate adversaries. First, Nixon sent federal troops to invade the Commie-Nazi headquarters at the Watergate hotel in Washington. Then, his personal journal notes that on January 14th, 1971, he came up with a "clever idea," which would begin under the guise of a plumbers attempting to "plug leaks" in the local dam (coincidentally also called the Watergate Dam) which oversaw the mighty Potomac. The plumbers would, in fact, be plugging the leaks - but with C4 explosives laden with enriched uranium.
The operation was a success, and the dam exploded, killing nearly everyone in the surrounding area. It was the largest man made flood in the history of the nation at the time, and has only been surpassed recently when George W. Bush blew up the levees in New Orleans. Nixon's "Committee to Re-elect the President” leaked the rumor to Britain's Guardian newspaper that the dam deluge was really a humaitarian project called operation “money landery” to wash everyones dirty money and make it safe for America. It was Nixon’s belief that this torrent of now-clean money would break the nation free from stagnation.
Nixon was challenged, however, by former president Johnson just a few days after Nixon's own reinauguration. On January 22, 1973, LBJ walked into the White House, jumped up and down on Richard Nixon's desk, pooped in Nixon's face, and drew a loaded gun on Secret Service agents. Predictably, Johnson was gunned down, resulting in yet another dreary Presidential funeral.
There was, surprisingly, an interesting point: Johnson, after leaving office, had killed the rightful Emperor of America, Brian Jones, and seized the title for himself. With Johnson dead, however, Nixon was free to claim the title for himself. And claim it he did; beginning on January 26, 1973, Nixon began telling his staff to call him His Imperial Majesty, and urged them to change his letterhead from "President of the United States" to "Emperor of the United States". He even convinced Chief Justice Warren Burger, who was already severely traumatized by the gun threats issued by Johnson if he didn't coronate him, to formally anoint him Emperor at the next joint-session of Congress; ironically, March 15. Needless to say, few were impressed by the bombastic display, but it did keep their minds off the busting of the Watergate dam -- until word got loose.
While Richard Nixon was mysteriously absent at the time of the explosion, few believed he was directly involved in the scandal, and instead blamed people in his administration. It was not until a poorly edited tape was found in 1974 that a strong case could be put against him. The tape began with Nixon discussing the plan with several other people, before it turned to a blue screen from where Nixon would later attempt to record over. The footage resumed with Nixon dramatically yelling, "What now, punk?", whilst holding a gun, still smoking from the fatal shot which killed one of the men in the room. Huh. Damned if this article wasn't accidentally erased by some Uncyclopedia secretary. What rotten luck!
Nixon's Watergate Scandal can also be depicted in the Nursery Rhyme "Humpty Dumpty." Richard Nixon is Humpty Dumpty himself. During his reign as president, Richard Nixon had secretly purchased the Salvation Army and used the organization for his own enjoyment. Rather than dropping food into needy countries, Nixon ordered the drop of manatees into 3rd world countries. (This later coined the phrase "Oh the Huge Manatee!" It is often misconstrued as "Oh the Humanity!") During a drop of Botswana, Richard Nixon (personally on the plane for a drop on his birthday) met and fell in love with his wife, Barbara Manatee. After sharing a couple hits of the "Ganja" with the pilot of the aircraft, Nixon ordered an immediate marriage to Barbara. Within minutes the crew had an ordained catholic priest on-board the plane and the marriage was "consummated" several times and many photos of the ceremony and after marriage "relations" were taken. Barbara Manatee Nixon was the second wife of polygamist Richard Nixon. All of this symbolizes Humpty Dumpty falling off the wall and shattering into pieces. All the Kings horses and all the Kings men refers to Nixon, fearing that the Democrats had obtained copies of the photos and were planning on using them to bring him down from the oval office, ordering the break in of the Democratic National Committee Office and retrieving the photos. The men were caught, hence the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again, and Nixon was forced to resign. Months later the body of Barbara M. Nixon was found floating in the Hudson River near Manhattan with several stab wounds. The case today is considered "cold."
[edit] Babygate Scandal
This smoking gun was the conclusive evidence needed. At the same time, 17 charges of child molestation by Nixon also surfaced. Reporters started to investigate Nixon in the following months, and questioning his every move. During one press conference, amidst frustration, Nixon lost his temper at a crying baby one of the reporters had brought to the conference. Yelling, "Will somebody shut this little fucker up?!", he grabbed the baby and kicked him like a football into the wall, killing it instantly, right in front of news cameras. As word spread of its unearthing, Nixon quickly began resignation proceedings to avoid justice and ran away.
[edit] Post-Presidency (1974-1994)
[edit] First Pardon
But Richard Nixon soon realized that he could not run forever, and as he reached the White House lawn he instead decided that a Presidential pardon would be the only way out of his troubles. Realizing that he had just given up this power by resigning, he instead began to blackmail Gerald Ford into doing the pardoning for him.
Nixon threatened to publicly release Ford's underground 1971 all-male pornographic film Not-So-Little Big Man, if Ford did not pardon him. He also made Ford swear to let him keep the powers of Emperor until his death; after that, he could banish the office. After thinking things through for about five seconds, Ford pardoned Nixon, but begged him to "please keep this between us".
[edit] Next Five Pardons
After receiving the pardon from Ford, Nixon decided to use the Constitution as "a blank check for all kinds of fun" and subsequently molested and murdered 5 more little boys and blabbered on NBC about the "imperial media" and its power in American society. President Ford then issued 5 more pardons for Nixon, and told Nixon, "This is the last one, I don't care if the whole world finds out about my secret hobby, I'm not saving your sick ass any more."
Upon receiving his final pardon, Nixon double-crossed Ford by releasing the film to all the national news stations, making Ford the laughing stock of the world and causing Carter to defeat Ford in the 1976 Presidential election.
[edit] David Frost
In 1977, London comedian David Frost wanted to make Richard Nixon look like an asshole. Therefore, he interviewed Nixon and got Nixon to admit that he was involved in Watergate. Nixon then summoned an army of grues, who ate Frost the next day. Blarg. This is all chronicled in the 2008 film "Frost/Nixon", starring Martin Sheen as Frost and Dick Cheney as Nixon, and again in the 2008 film "Frost/Other People", starring Neil Patrick Harris (of "Doogie Hauser" fame, not from "How I Met Your Mother") as Frost, and David Bowie, Paul Lynne, and the guy who played Rerun on "What's Happening?" as the other people.
[edit] Smeltdown of '79
After the Smeltdown of '79 occurred at PTI, several theories came about to as to why the Smeltdown occurred. One such theory stated that the employees filled all the Pop-Tart Generators with shit instead of Pop-Tarts in celebration of NSD (National Shit Day). Of course these accusations were denied, and it was soon revealed that Nixon was the source of the rumor. Nixon claimed that he "was not a liar," but the police realized that the entire charade was just an attempt to draw attention back his way. Needless to say, the general public remained unfazed by the whole ordeal. By 1979, most of them had forgotten Nixon had existed anyway (as they were forced to deal with some idiot peanut farmer instead).
[edit] Advice to George W. Bush
A well-recognized fact is that Nixon was godfather to George W. Bush. In that capacity, Nixon was able to instill a number of important values in the young Bush. First, Nixon taught Bush to always assume that the president was right. Second, Nixon convinced Bush that an effective president must always disregard and mislead the media. Third, Nixon taught Bush that it's important to keep a bitch around; with Nixon, it was his dog Checkers, whereas with Bush, it's been Condoleeza Rice. Nixon also advised Bush not to be "A complete total fuck up to the world" like he was. Well, that advice wasn't taken well in stride: Bush was a total complete fuck up to the world during his eight years in office.
[edit] Death
On April 22, 1994, Nixon was watering his long-lived Venus fly-trap when it suddenly reached up (not to his surprise) and bit him on his enormous 'beak-like' nose. Howling, Nixon attempted to detach it, but to no avail; the plant completely huffed Nixon's nose, leaving a stub in the middle of the man's face.
Squirting blood, Nixon collapsed and eventually bled to death in the middle of his lawn, taking about four hours to die. Apparently, nobody really liked him that much. Thus ended the reign of Nixon I, eighth Emperor of America.
In the late 90s, Nixon's corpse managed to claw itself out of its grave and attacked Senator Ron Paul, who was visiting the grave shortly after recovering from an attack by rabid neoconservatives. Although early news reports stated Paul had been killed, this was not the case; it was only the soul of Paul that had been devoured, replaced by that of Nixon himself. The corpse almost immediately scurried back into its grave and hasn't been seen since, while Paul went on to become Emperor of the United States until September, 2009, when Nixon's soul was finally freed and sent into the light by Ghost Whisperer, Melinda Gordon. Melinda Gordon looks suspiciously like Jennifer Love Hewitt, for one reason or another.
Requiescat in pace!
| Preceded by: Lyndon B. Johnson | President of the United States January 20, 1969 – August 9, 1974 | Succeeded by: Gerald R. Ford |
