From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Nitro is a drug”
Nitro, (full name Nitroglycerine, US spelling Nitroglycerin, (H)/ Indian spelling Nitrogylcerichickentikkamasala) is an explosive, torture device, and poison used in terrorist organisations such as Taco Bell. It is commonly referred to as a contract explosive which means that it only has an explosive charge if you get hold of a license to use it. Otherwise, it exists only as a useless puddle of liquid, with no use other than possibly a drink or lubricant. Licenses are not cheap, and rather pointless, seeing as you might as well use gunpowder anyway. But let's face it, gunpowder is nowhere near as cool, because it doesn't explode when you hit it, and it's an ugly brown colour.
Nitro(glycerin(e)) was discovered in the year 42 by some Italian scientist dude.
He wandered through the lonely streets of Scouseland, wandering (?) if he could be the first Italian to contribute anything to science. Then, as luck would have it, fate led him to make the most amazing discovery of all - he walked into a lamp-post. So he moved to another part of the pavement, and kept on walking. This Italian scientist walked and walked and wanked and walked and walked and walked and walked and walked and stopped for a bit and walked and walked and saw a puddle of liquid. He was on acid at the time, and so mistook it for his cheating ex wife. This, naturally instigated a large amount of hate in the Italian scientist, who decided to hit it. The puddle was, coincidentally, a strong solution of nitroglycerin(e), and through events that it would maybe be slightly too obvious to point out, he got his left arm blown off. He then presented his findings to an Italian colleague of his who claimed it was science-a at-a it's-a best-a-a.
In 1578 (is that right?), another puddle of nitro was found on a hill by a Angry homo kid (rather annoyed Bavarian child scientist.). He was annoyed, because World of Warcraft was lagging. He punched his keyboard, which flew out the window and hit a tree, which collapsed onto a dog, who then ran into a pile of nitro, and the friction caused it to blow up, meaning that people walking by could feast on free dog burgers. He then climbed the hill overlooking his parents' house, and found another puddle of nitro. He initially decided it would make a good masturbatory aid, leading to another explosion. This could have potentially caused massive problems, but his penis was too small for significant damage to be inflicted. He then named this creation 'nitroglycerine with an e' for some scientific reason, and patented it. His next step was to start the Don't wank with nitro campaign, which took up the rest of his life, until his death when he accidentally spread his discovery on toast and ate it.
edit Alternate spellings
As has been mentioned before, Nitroglycerine is sometimes spelled without an 'e' by certain American people. They claim that it makes it better, because "it has to be quicker to read than the British way of spelling it". However, this makes them all hypocrites, because they use words like Automobile instead of car, gasoline instead of petrol, and inferior fucks instead of gays.
The Icelandic spelling is 'Nitröglycerine'.
Aside it's technical use (blowing up commies), Nitr(o or ö)glycerin(e) has other uses. These include:
- Salad dressing: Pouring Nitr(o or ö)glycerin(e or a) on your salad has often been seen as a good way to increase it's taste factors, despite the fact that it causes you to explode following consumption, which lets it down slightly. However, many claim that this is outweighed by the pretty flames that emerge when you blow on it.
- Lube: Using Nitr(o, ö or %C3%B6)glycerin(e, or goddamnit this is getting stupid) as a lubricant is said to make sex more pleasurable. However, the biggest drawback of this method is that it causes you to explode after 3 seconds of fun. This results in slight problems, except for those who have an explosion fetish.
- Drink: Yes. It's true. People do drink Nitroowhatever (let's call it N for the time being), even with the effects of it causing them to explode. Alternatively, they can spike other people's drinks with it as an alternative to poison, whereby they can cause other people to explode. Did I mention it also causes you to explode?
- Oh, and it can also blow stuff up. This is, of course, one of N's lesser uses.