Nissan Almera

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Nissan Almera.

Nissan Almera

The Nissan Almera is a model of car created by Nissan from 1995 to 2006, which up until recently has hit 'legendary' status amongst the British Public. Known instantly for their designer interiors, the Almera sports luxuries such as high quality plastic dashboard, extremely dull velour upholstery and seatbelts as standard.

edit Full Designer Specification

Some of the Almeras far surpass this level of spec, such as the 1.4 Almera Invitation or the 1.6 Almera Groove, which even come with tyres, brakes, and a steering wheel as standard - not to mention the luxury of powered steering, making it almost a 1/3 as easy as non powered steered cars, air conditioning and electric front windows - recently entering the Guinness World Record for 'World's Worst Car Windows For Steaming Up Award'

The Almera model plays host to an extensive range of pelvis-shatteringly quick medium-sized family cars, well renowned for their ability to outspeed a cheetah (once they are past 60mph). The 0-62mph acceleration is comparable with that of any sports car, including Ferrari and Lamborghini, when the word comparable means 'an awful lot slower than'. Yet, it fights back with it's 5th gear strength, which is comparable to the power of 6 German Panzer Tanks or the entire Argentine Army.

The Almera can be termed 'Gentle Giant' in the sense that it gives the impression that it is a slow, reliable 'Grandad Car' if you will. However, this is NOT the case. In first gear, the Almera is capable of a groin-grabbingly fast 33mph before redlining at 2,500revs. Anything below this, the Almera purrs gently, as if suggesting slowness. However, once the car surpasses 3,000 rpm, you'd better hold on tight, as the Almera roars as loudly as a leopard which has been brought up to sound like an Almera for purposes like this.

Furthermore, the Almera is world renowned (anywhere this side of the Balearics) for its extreme durability. Some say that it would be the only car capable of withstanding a mass zombie invasion due to its extremely strong engine and its reliability. One famous owner, Sir Roger Moore tells of when he hit a cow, skidded off through a concrete wall, smashed through eight metal containers (all whilst travelling 10mph) knocked 4 people down, mowed through a forest, taking down half a wood and ending up with the back end in a pond. In an interview with 'The Guardian', he stated 'When this happened to me, I was shocked with the capability of my Almera. It took all the blows to the struts and even without 4 wheel drive and the engine/cabin of the car half submerged in thick sludge, it effortlessly pulled itself out the pond and drove off without a care in the world. When I got home, I examined the exterior damage and was slightly disappointed to find that there was a small scratch to the front headlight and a scuff to the door' - It is believed that the executives of Nissan think there is no pleasing people like Sir Rodge. When asked why he purchased such a car he said 'I bought it because it reminds me so much of my Aston Martin V8 Vantage. I mean, look at it, long silver bonnet, extreme sharp handling skill and anus-abusingly fast acceleration and when mixed with such a frugal engine, who wouldn't want to buy an Almera?'

The strong engine ensures that the Almera gets to a good 124mph top speed in perfect conditions i.e. driving with the wind behind you. If the wind is against you, then this only slightly affects the power ratio, ensuring that you still reach 60 within half an hour of trying to achieve this speed - (this is rather fun to test when joining a motorway and is almost guaranteed to cause an accident)

Additionally, the Almera is also an appealing buy due to its raw attractiveness to women and its sheer sharp looks and handling abilities. It has been stated in intellectual conversation that the Almera handles as well as 'Harold Shipman handled his patients', so its quite clear to those interested that they are getting a fabulous car for the money. Furthermore it's economy is second to none, achieving at least 4 miles per tank of cranberry juice and due to the light weight of only 233.4 tonnes of car to move, it can sometimes manage 4.1 mpt.

Finally, the Almera is well known for its safety record. EURO'NO'CAP - the professional European safety setting standard board gave the Almera a lowly 1 star out of 5, but come on, what do they know? Sure, it suffered major seatbelt failure when produced, but this did not stop thousands of clever Britons going out to purchase this metallic masterpiece. And anyway, this tiny itsy bitsy mishap was soon rectified and now just 97% of Almera's suffer this problem. However, in the event of a crash, it is still recommended that dive out of an Almera at 90mph if an accident is imminent, even if you dive onto extremely sharp glass or spikes, as you are still likely to suffer less harm.

According to Nissan, over 2.3 billion Nissan Almera's have been sold since 1987 when they weren't produced, and although currently discontinued, somehow - (maybe Japanese embellishment) the number of sales keeps increasing.

It is as true as the day is bright that the Nissan Almera is not just an incredibly dull and appealing family hatchback with a strong engine and electric front windows, but it is, according to many, an engineering masterpiece.

Reportedly, telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the Ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.

edit In Recent Culture

The Almera was used by Marv and Harry in the 1992 box-office blockbuster Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. Marv fell in love with this car and decided that he would scrap his McClaren F1 and keep the Almera.

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