“Genesis does, what Nintendon't!”
Nintendon't (also known as Ninten don't ***ing care about good video games) was a video gaming company located in Glorious Capital City of the Motherland, Czechoslovakia. The company was founded in 1986 to "comptete with those capitalist Jap bastards" according to CEO Bolshevik. Nintendon't was very popular in Eastern Europe in the 1980s during the Cold War, mostly because it was the only video game company in the USSR.
In 1901, when Nintendo had just achieved great success with Donkey Kong, the Soviet Union had fallen upon hard times. The precious dirt that had been used to power the nation's vehicles had just risen up in price due to the European Dirt Embargo, and the Czech President had just committed suicide after the loss of his favorite goat, Ivan. With the future of communism on the brink of disaster, a lowly peasant named живтеисъкраткой (Known simply as CEO Bolshevik) began a five year project to try and create an invention to raise money for his government. He spent three years trying to come up with a plan, to no success, until he found inspiration from the children living across the street. They were playing a popular Czech game known as "Brick" in which the children stood and watched a brick, trying to make it move with their thoughts. Bolshevik sat day and night trying to program the game on his personal computer (Which was unimaginably difficult without electricity), until he finally had great success after years, when Virtual Brick came to life. He immediately contacted the government, and informed him of his invention. Upon arriving at the government office, Bolshevik was shot to death by KGB agents, allowing the Czech government to take credit for the game, and inform the nation that Bolshevik had really been a traitor and defected to the side of the United States. At this point, several more KGB agents crossed the border into Poland, and kidnapped several Polish Children, as well as stealing equipment to design games with. All that was left now was a name for their company. Nintendon't was chosen because (According to the Czech Government) it is the Czech word for "Happy Fun Time Vide Game Playing Design Systems For Happy Children In The Wonderful Motherland And Not A Blatant Ripoff Of Capitalist Gook Video Game Machine Company". Nintendon't thrived in the 1980s, and had just reached its peek, when the Soviet Union colapsed in 1991. The Nintendon't programming crews were all tragically murdered when fleeing Czech rebels opened fire on the building. As of 2014, the Nintendon't offices are currently housing projects inhabited by a family of goats, a rat, and two pigs.
Video Game Systems
The Nintendon't Play Box
The Nintendon't Play Box was the first video game system designed by Nintendon't in 1986. The device was notorious for its size, being that it required a transformer to convert from a 240-volt power supply to a 1240-volt power unit to power that huge game console, 3 car batteries (Something unheard of in Czechoslovakia at the time) for back-up power, has two-bit graphics and space the size of a garage to operate correctly. In fact, it is the largest console ever created. The machine was also notorious, as certain models had a tendency to catch fire when turned on. Nevertheless, the Play Box was incredibly successful, and although it had its downfalls, and expensive cost ($15 USD), it paved the way for its successor, the much more compact Nintendon't Play Box Deux.
Nintendon't Play Box Deux
After the success of the Nintendon't Play Box, the company was anxious to try and have another success. Using what they'd learned from the problems the original Play Box had suffered, the company created the Play Box Deux, a faster, much smaller version of the original Play Box, with 4 bit graphics, instead of the 2 bit the original had. It is the second largest game console ever, relased in 1988. However, the PBD had it's fair share of problems as well. A major downside to the PBD was the fact that it required three people to operate it (One to crank the handle for power, one to play, and one to blow on it to keep it from overheating). It was later discovered that the console had been primarily made from asbestos, and is believed to have caused 132 cases of lung cancer in Czechoslovakia alone. This would be the last venture into console design for Nintendon't.
Nintendon't Play Box Portable
Released alongside with the Plax Box Deux in 1988, this portable version of the Play Box was very heavy. It required two car batteries and has two-bit graphics. This is the first and last portable video game console released by Nintendon't. The three games include Tetris, Nuke Chicago and Virtual Brick Portable. Because it was heavy (weighs 17 kilos), it required two people (one to carry, the other to play). The console is made out of lead and there are 31 cases of lead poisoning.
An invention created in 1995 to separate it from the competition. I can play games, record messages, browse the internet and take pictures. It was discontinued in 2008 after being too similar to the iPod Touch and that it was being used in the Pornography industry. It was later succeded by the Nintendon't Mobile Touch phone (NMTP) which will be released in 2010. Correction, Nintendo wouldve announced it it last year's or this year's E3 if that was true.
In order to hype up on 2000, Nintendon't created the Ninendon't 2000. It held lots of Y2K Viruses, Missile directing devices and a juicer. It gained populatiry when in N2000 held live coverage of the Al Gore and George Bush Florida Beatdown. They were later burned and scrapped when Osama bin Laden admitted that he used the N2000 to perform 9/11 and plunge the world into World War III. Some were turned into appliances, some were used to train pilots and the US and Israel are currently using them to train their armies to take over the world. George Bush denies it, saying that it doesn't help kill the weak and innocent.
Nintendon't experimented with a new game console, known as the Nintendon't Stretchable. The Stretchable weighed 500 grams, and was made of Unobtanium Rubber, which gave it the ability to be stretched into different shapes, and stay that way. Pressing a button would pop it back into its original shape, as a 1 cubic inch cube. This small console could play any of the Nintendon't games. Several prototypes were tested. Later, SEGA and Game Boy tried to make copies of this, but only succeeded in producing the Game Boy Advance, and the failed SEGA Stretchable.
Digital Rubix Cube
With the success of the Rubix Cube, and the failure of the Nintendon't Play Box Deux, Nintendon't had decided to forever stay out of the game system business, and instead went in an entirely different direction: The Digital Rubix Cube. The game was merely a Rubix Cube with a 210 volt plug that plugged into the wall. The purpose of the plug was never discovered, and it really only made the game impossible to play, as well as creating a fire hazard. The unsuccessfulness of this Cube made them remake video games, with the release of Virtual Brick Collection in 1992.
List of Games
- Ping (Mar 1986) (Later discontinued due to copyright reasons)
- Astrids (Apr 1986) (Later discontinued due to copyright reasons)
- Virtual Brick (Jun 1986)
- Virtual Brick 2 (Sep 1986)
- Virtual Brick Poo (Oct 1986)
- Virtual Brick Revenge (Dec 1986)
- Virtual Brick Motherland (Feb 1987)
- Dirt (Jun 1987)
- Blue Plumber Comrade vs. Fat Capitalist Lizard King (Jul 1987)
- Nuke New York (Sep 1987)
- Nuke Los Angeles (Nov 1987)
- Virtual Brick X (Dec 1987)
- In Communist Motherland, We Play You! (Jan 1988)
- Nuke Chicago (Mar 1988)
- Kojak (May 1988)
- I Can't Believe It's Not Hitler: The Game (Oct 1988)
- Tetres (Jan 1989) (Later discontinued due to copyright reasons)
- Nuke Flint, Michigan (Feb 1989)
- Borscht Puzzle Pack (Mar 1989)
- We Will Bury You (Jul 1989)
- Kill The Yugoslavian (Apr 1990)
- Virtual Brick 3: Back to Being a Hitman (Jul 1990)
- Nuke Washington D.C. (Dec 1990)
- My Children Are All Dead (Feb 1991)
- My Whole Family Is Dead (Jun 1991)
- Nuke Cleveland (Oct 1991)
- Nuke Las Vegas (May 1992)
- Virtual Brick Collection (May 1992)
- Drop (Jul 1992)
- My Town Is Dead (Sep 1992)
- Attack our Rivals (Dec 1992)
- Virtual Brick 4: Blast! (Jan 1993)
- Drop 2 (Mar 1993)
- Nuke San Francisco (Apr 1993)
- Nuke New York Again (May 1993)
- Pulseline (Dec 1993)
- Nuke Collection (Jan 1994)
- Drop 3 (Jun 1994)
- My Country Is Dead (Aug 1994)
- Virtual Brick Hyper (Oct 1994)
- Nuke The World! (Jan 1995)
- Drop 4 (May 1995)
- The Hyper Mega Ultra Game (Dec 1995)
- The World Is Dead (Mar 1996. Actually planned as a follow-up to Nuke The World! for obvious reasons.)
- Virtual Brick vs. Drop (Jul 1996. This holds Nintendon'ts record of most games sold - 54368.)
- Pulseline Zappp (Nov 1996)
- Voltager (Feb 1997)
- ...For Dummies: The Game (Jun 1997)
- I Still Can't Believe It's Not Hitler: The Game (Oct 1997)
- Super Penis Masturbator (Jan 2008)
- Super Penis Masturbator 2 3D (Jan 2009)
- Virtual Brick 5-D (Jan 1998. Because the game was in 5-D, it required special glasses to be worn. However, being in 5-D, it causes the head of the glasses wearer to A Splode.)
Game Image Gallery
|This page was originally sporked from Nintendo.|