Nintendo 3DS

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3BS

The 3DS will troll your eyes

The Nintendo 3DS (ニンテンドー3DS) is Nintendo's DS successor released in 2011. It is part of the 8th generation alongside the Wii U, PlayStation 4, PlayStation Vita and the Dreamcast 2.

edit History

According to an urban legend, the idea behind the 3D handheld is the result of a drunken contest between two Nintendo engineers about who could come up with the worse idea for a handheld. The "spiritual successor to the Virtual Boy" won after overhearing party guests shouted "Oh snap!" as a reaction. Unsure of how to present this terrible idea to higher-ups such as Satoru Iwata, they took the design of the Nintendo DSi and fiddled with it until it looked kind of different. The sales potential of yet another "New" Super Mario Bros. was enough of an argument on the software side, and so the 3DS came to be.

Another myth states that the Nintendo 3DS was, in fact, the design before the original Nintendo DS. Plans apparently discovered dating approximately 10,000 years ago reveal that the 3DS was a dangerous weapon of mass destruction, originally named 'Three Dimensions of inSanity'. Strange screen patterns were intended to hypnotize the masses into armies of Nintendo loving fanboys. However, it tended to simply cause headaches and epilepsy, so the engineers behind the foolish device were hanged and the designs locked away in Merlin's library.

Until now, where Nintendo once again plans to conquer the world (ie. video game industry). Has it worked? Has it?

edit Unsuccessful launch

The handheld didn't immediately take off. Due to sensationalist reports such as the accusation that children will have their eyes eaten by the complexity of the 3D display, concerned mothers refrained from their original plan of purchasing it. At the same time, perceived Sony-level pricing meant that everyone was just waiting for that price to drop. Not even Zelda or Starfox ports from the Nintendo 64 could save it. Nintendo dropped the price like an ugly baby and gave early adopters some games for free. Everyone was a winner.

edit Nintendo 3DS XL

“I'm waiting for the 3DS XL Lite with four analog sticks and a cup holder.”
~ Your friend on Nintendo 3DS XL

A larger and more attractive version of the Nintendo 3DS called the Nintendo 3DS XL was released after Sony gave the tech industry an orgasm with their Vita's 5 inch OLED screen. Realizing a demographic of people who are just going to buy whatever new shiny piece of hardware comes out is worth targeting due to their seemingly endless amount of expendable cash, they made a new 3DS with a ~5 inch upper screen.

edit Firmware Updates

From time to time, Nintendo releases updates to the Nintendo 3DS firmware in an attempt to block certain carts that allow users to play "backup copies" (that's what we call them, right?). Some of the most important are:

  • L.0L: Adds folders, initially causing Tumblr to overload and be shutoff for 16 hours due to the amount of silly photos uploaded.
  • $.00: This update, which is pre-installed and cannot be removed, causes the 3DS slot to suck in and eat any money that is lying around its vicinity. This is the opposite of what the DS did, namely printing money from its GBA slot.

edit Hardware

Neo 3D glasses

Neo approves of 3D

Obviously the 3DS borrows greatly from the DS in terms of its appearance. But on the inside, the heart of an overclocked Virtual Boy is beating, and some other things. Refer to the chart below for a comparison between the two fascinating pieces of trash technology.

 

Nintendo 3DS

Virtual Boy

Supposedly gives you a headache after 30 minutes of usage
Yes check
Yes check
Has less competition compared to the previous generation
Yes check
Yes check
You can play all games hands-free as you're, for example, driving a car
X mark
X mark

Therefore, the 3DS will suffer the same fate as the Virtual Boy and be quickly forgotten soon.

edit List of Games

RealMario

Mario, as seen in Newer New Super Mario Bros.

See also Nintendo DS/popular titles for DS software.

edit Future

“The 3DS has no future. Vita has all the games, I know because my dad works for PlayStation.”
~ Your other friend on Nintendo 3DS

The 3DS will continue to provide us with exciting and fresh gaming experiences from franchises we love. Look out for Pokémon™®, Animal Crossing™ and third party delights such as Monster™ Hunter™ 4® or Professor Layton™®.

It is also rumored that Nintendo will make a third Friend Collection game which will be a worldwide release. Enemy Collection allows players to torture their characters in ways never thought possible. Hatred will unite the world after all.

edit See also


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