Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or, to give their scientific name Tortiesa Adolicious Ninjitsua Mutalia are the results of a genetic engineering experiment gone horribly wrong by Linux creator Linus Torvalds.
After being abandoned in a New York sewer, the four humanoid turtles depended upon themselves. Starvation became a daily part of life. Being genetically programmed with martial ninja moves for Torvalds' protection, the turtleoids quickly made friends with another genetic experiment gone wrong, "Splinter", who is believed to have been engineered by another famous open-source programmer, Richard Stallman. The years go by in New York City and the city has relied on a wide variety of genetically-malformed super-freak whops to protect it from other super-freaks, who for some reason or another want to wreak havoc and end up not hurting anyone at all anyway. (Asking why New York City is begging the question, if the reader has visited Battery Park after 6 PM.)
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were also Renaissance artists in their spare time, and were responsible for such works as the famous sculpture of David Duchovny in Italy, the ceiling of the Sistine chapel, and the Leaning Tower of Pizza.
edit The Heroes
edit Intensive training
Being a ninja requires intensive and rigid training, so the Turtles were taught by Master Splinter. He was this really big mouse with splinters all over him. Unfortunately, he was shredded by the Shredder whilst visiting a recycling factory. So now the Turtles faced a new dilemma: Where to find a ninja to teach them? Since there aren't many in New York they made their own. So they found some dude who used a hockey mask and hockey sticks, taught him, then made him teach them back. The problem was that since the turtles were awful teachers, their 'student/teacher' became an awful 'student/teacher' too.
Like Xena, the turtles have many skills. Among the greatest is their ability to cause Ra, the cracked Egyptian Sunbird, to break down in an inconsolable fit of tears. Together, the four Turtles use Real Ninja Power to kill dangerous punks, although when they're bored they sometimes just kill everyone on a train. When they are even more bored, they use coffins as Porta Potties.
edit Cartoon series (1988)
In 1986 the guys voiced themselves in a live action cartoon series. The 4 Heroes in a half shell would fight off the evil forces of The Shredder and meet some friends along the way.
edit The First movie
In 1990 the guys played themselves in a movie. The 4 Heroes in a half shell would fight off the evil forces of The Shredder.
edit Second movie
In 1992 the guys played themselves in a movie. The 4 Heroes in a half shell would fight off the evil forces of The Shredder.
edit Third movie
In 1992 the guys played themselves in a movie. The 4 Heroes in a half shell would fight off the evil forces of The Shredder. Just kidding, they go to feudal Japan where special effects hadn't been invented yet and fought The Shredder's great grandpa.
edit Fourth movie
Actually this one was different and they fought Aztec demons or something.
edit Nickelodeon Cartoon
In 2006 the guys voiced themselves in a cartoon series. The 4 Heroes in a half-shell fought the evil forces of The Shredder.
edit Heroes no more
In 2012 the T.M.N.T where arrested on several charges of theft, manslaughter and underage driving without a license, just to name a few. The clan had plugged into a hospitals back up generator to power for their Hilton sized underground home. The turtles grew a lot of weed living in an underground aqueduct full of fertilizer.
edit Leonardo and Raphael's manslaughter
Leonardo and Raphael took down half a high school's worth of foot clan before realizing they had knives and weren't fighting robots like Samurai Jack. Donatello only had one acid barrel and after a while it got to be mostly meat slurry. Mikey tried feeding them to his pet Piranhas, which worked rather well until they mutated and had to fight Piranah gangsters. Casey Jones than helped them bury the rest underneath a football field; until some cops showed up and they let him take the heat.
edit Mikeys bank account wiped out
Michelangelo was arrested for mugging over 200 people. Mikey claimed they where all bad dudes, however. Each time he kicked a bad guys ass, he would steal their money which he later would spend on pizzas and Hawaiian shirts. Several accusations that Mikey also was addicted to phone sex arose.
edit The arrest of Donatello
Police soon arrested Donatello for being the ring leader who caused that hospital blackout by tapping their power, he also helped April plant porn on her bosses computer.
edit Stolen Goods and WMD's
It was soon discovered that the turtles had modified a van that they had not purchased. They did not own the pink slips to it, nor did any of them even have a drivers license. Not to mention that they where under the age of 17 when they began driving. The Van had been equipped with stolen computer parts and advanced hacking devices, which was two charges in one, but that wasn't the biggest problem, the Van was also equipped with a laser attached to a chair that swung out the side of the vehicle. Not only was it not safe and a hazard to safety, but it also could be used as a weapon of mass destruction. This had the authorities label the group as terrorists with no concern to human life who would be shot with it.
edit Guilty Verdict
All 4 turtles where charged as being accomplices to several crimes, ranging from 1985 to 2012. As it was also tracked back to prior to 1991 the turtles had a hidden lair in the sewer that they had also tapped into other peoples utilities for themselves.
Raphael tried to plead he was innocent, saying he had nothing to do with anything. He didn't even know he was doing wrong. But when being traced back to being a vigilante, things got worse for him. His defense was, "Come on, how can I be a vigilante, we already where, weren't we? I mean, wait, that's not what I meant, I mean, sure, I kicked a few guys butts, sure, I stole their money, hey, it's not like we can go out and get jobs, look at us. How do you expect us to work and make a living, huh? We kick the bad guys butt, and we take their money, not as a reward, but as a way to live. We may not be human, but we are alive, and we have hearts, and feeling, and you know..." Raph tears up, and continues, "We're our only family, you know, no one else will take care of us?".
Raph delivered the same heart warming speech while being examined in court. The entire courtroom teared up with him, even the judge. It looked like perhaps deep down, the turtles where not so bad after all. They where just ninjas trying to get by. They were executed by firing squad the next day, master splinter drank hemlock for his crime of corrupting the mutant reptile youth.
edit See also