Ninja Pirate

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An artist's rendition of a ninja pirate. The artist died soon thereafter. Usually Ninja Pirates have mini T-Rexes on their shoulders, but this artist was un-educated.

Ninja Pirates (or Pinja for short) are widely considered to be the most dangerous life forms in existence, a hybrid between the already powerful ninjas and pirates. As opposed to many urban legends, a Ninja Pirate is not a mammal at all, but is really an igneous rock formation given sentience by GUIdows. They can only reproduce with their only lovers, anime-freak nerds.

1 The Origins of the Paradox
- 1.1 ORIGINAL NINJA PIRATES
- 1.2 The Creationism of the Creation
  - 1.2.1 The Speculation of the Speculae
2 Where Are They Now?
- 2.1 Alternate Theories as to Where They Are Now
3 Known Ninja Pirates
- 3.1 Lesser Known Ninja Pirates
4 Frequently Asked Questions
- 4.1 Not-So-Frequently Asked Questions
5 See Also
- 5.1 External Link

[edit] The Origins of the Paradox

A Ninja Pirate is the burger paradox, because ninjas and pirates do not get along. In fact, the two are basically like oil and water. Nobody has actually seen a real fight between a ninja and a pirate because the sheer force the two would unleash from being in the same room would surely kill anybody within a 100 mile radius. All this animosity has made many people wonder, "How exactly do a ninja and pirate mate to produce a Ninja Pirate?"

Well, they don't, because pirates and ninjas are mortal enemies, stupid.

There have been rumors that small groups of isolated ninjas and pirates that have grown so out of touch that they have lost their hate for each other and instead developed a deep obsession with Jelly Beans. Speculation has arisen that meetings between these 'denatured' ninjas or pirates may have produced a new breed of Ninja Pirate, the 100% organic Ninja Pirate, which some say is capable of killing every living creature in the omniverse multiple times (due to time paradoxes), infinitely over twice again removed! Except, of course, for other natural Ninja Pirates and Grues. Duh. Some claim that this new strain of Ninja Pirates is currently spreading across the planet in preparation for a super top-secret unknown action...some say it has something to do with Jelly Beans.... But who knows?

The very first Ninja-pirates were created by Chuck Norris for his bidding (though this was unnecessary, as Chuck Norris, being him, can do anything, any time, ever, and has, and hopes to do so in the near future with his children (this is a paradox, as he has done all possible things possible (except those he does not like) and has hence done this already), but they became too powerful so he smit them and they split into the ninjas and the pirates we know today.

[edit] ORIGINAL NINJA PIRATES

Also called Sea Warriors, the original ninja pirates had super-powers of turbo speed and karate-chop skills (these are the publicly known powers; they possessed MANY others). They were also gnarly dancers, as they did ZUMBA with their librarian. They did not like dressing up in 80s styles, which makes sense since they existed before time itself. In fact, these original ninja pirates are the reason for the good styles today (as noted by mini skirts, halter tops, and the lack of underwear on most celebrities)! Ask any designer and they will tell you that they were inspired by these not small or humble mystical creatures.... And they have an insatiable appitite for Jelly Beans.

[edit] The Creationism of the Creation

The Ninja Pirate Logo is a combination of the Pentagon and the Goatse.

Ninja Pirates were produced synthetically by scientists in a laboratory by combining ninja DNA with pirate DNA. The scientists had to employ a crack team of five hundred Jedi and eight hundred robots to contain the developing Ninja Pirates and keep them from flipping out, killing everybody in the lab and stealing all their shit. Even after they made all the necessary precautions, each Ninja Pirate fetus was still able to single-handedly make everyone in the room bleed through their eardrums while still in the amniotic sac. They had to be coerced, distracted, and passified with Jelly Beans.

Some Scienticians speculate that wild Ninja Pirates can be made when a ninja, playing a game of Red Rocket, is interrupted by a pirate panty raid. The sudden panic of the ninja can cause them to shoot their unstoppably stealthy ninja load, which automatically seeks out the nearest viable womb, i.e. that of the closest female pirate, and rather than entering the womb through the urethra like normal, the semen will impregnate the (presumably unwilling) female through sheer association.

[edit] The Speculation of the Speculae

Some true thinkers have devised another possible way of screwing a Ninja Pirate, although no one has ever been crazy enough to attempt it. Perhaps if you managed to breed or capture a pure ninja, give him amnesia, and then enlisted him on a pirate crew without the crew knowing that he was actually a ninja, then perhaps a natural breeding could occur. However, as in regular dating circles, so many things could potentially go wrong with this plan that it is actually considered an elaborate form of suicide. ............Jelly Beans........Flappy paddle Gear Box.

[edit] Where Are They Now?

During the Pirate-Ninja War of 1337, this flag was commonly used by Ninja Pirate ships.

There are currently dozens of Ninja Pirates roaming free in the universe. Doesn't that scare you!?!? They are so elusive that the CIA has been unable to so much as even think about inventing a lie about a Pirate Ninja's whereabouts. Or did I mean to say Ninja Pirate? At any rate, It is probably only a matter of time before they kill all of us and every other form of life in existence.

You can take one comfort, however, in the fact that Ninja Pirates cannot reproduce. Because the ninja pirates are hybrids, they are asexual like mules. This has caused many many morons to falsely hope that all the Ninja Pirates in the world will die of old age and we will be spared the brunt of their post-adulthood flatulence, but this will not happen since Ninja Pirates are actually immortal creatures. ^{[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]}

[edit] Alternate Theories as to Where They Are Now

The most recent sighting of Ninja Pirates was at a summer camp in Indiana, where a group of undercover Ninja Pirates, cleverly disguised as canoe paddles and pontoon boats, were on a hell-bent mission to teach the Ways of the Ninja Pirate to some of the campers. The campers have never been the same since, and, like tru Ninja Pirates, are never assumed to be RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!! and then he died.

[edit] Known Ninja Pirates

Ninja Pirates Cheesus and Oprah

Other than Aeon Flux, the only ever known ninja pirates were: Vin Diesel, Stephen Hawking ,Luke Skywalker, Frederick "Nova Rift" Telles, President Bush, Macgyver, Chris the mushroom and (of course) Jason Bourne. Anyone who has ever seen The Bourne Ultimatum knows that Jason Bourne is, TRULY, a ninja pirate. Jason Bourne's real name is not, in fact, David Webb. The movie directors made a fake name for him in order to save their own lives, and his real name isn't known by any sane human being. Investigators began to be suspicious that Vin was a Ninja Pirate when they looked into how he did his own stunts. Diesel tried to convince the public that he wasn't really a Ninja Pirate by making a pussy movie called The Pacifier, but it was already too late. Some scholars believe that all members of the B-52's were Ninja Pirates but this has never been confirmed as big Bee-Hive hair isn't exactly the best choice for raping and pillaging.

[edit] Lesser Known Ninja Pirates

There is also the elusive "Vampire" Ninja Pirate known only as SHINY! who has roamed the universe for many centuries. She is one of the very few '100% all-natural' Ninja Pirates, and has been known to spend most of her time under the assumed name "Jessie Clinch" and is believed to be residing somewhere in the Swiss Alps. Hardly anything is known about her except for the usual Vampire tendencies. Except SHINY! is 5 ft. tall. SHINY! was arrested in 2008, charged with pedophilic intercourse with a goat named Spots, and various public bouts of violence with fellow Ninja Pirates. There is also the rumored Viking Vampire Ninja Pirate - with sheer power enough to defeat basically anything in his path, including Grues,(it is, however, unknown whether or not he would be capable of anything other than uncontrollable crying after being roundhouse-kicked in the face by His Scary-Awesome-Tough-Majesty) other Ninja Pirates and Raptor Jesus. His identity is so elusive he is known only as the letter "N".There are also the fearsome stealth ninja pirate bunnies from the book of random. To qualify for this high ranking Title, one needs to inherently be a strong ninja, a pirate, a bunny rabbit, and canadian. Their center of intelligence is rumored to be located underneath the Air Canada stadium in Toronto, and they communicate entirely by English (commonplace) sign language.

[edit] Frequently Asked Questions

Very little is known about ninja pirates, so people have a lot of misconceptions about them. Below are a few of the FAQs:

Do ninja pirates have a parrot?

Yes, but not the kind of parrot people normally think of. Normal parrots are too flamboyantly colored and loud to serve the needs of the Ninja Pirate. Ninja Pirates use Ravens. Nighthawks are also common choices, but mostly Ravens, squawking, "Nevermore!". Undead parrots would be a million times cooler than any other form of sidekick, but seen as these haven't yet been created, it looks like Ninja Pirates are stuck with, as was said before, Ravens. Or maybe Nighthawks, but they're not really useful for anything, honestly.

The Ninja Pirate Parrot, more commonly known as a raven.

Do Ninja Pirates use boats, like... you know... normal pirates?

No. This is because boats are 19^th Century. Instead, when ninja pirates need to plunder from the sea, they use submarines, which are way more sweeeeeet and stealthy. Ninja Pirates are also known to use fancy Star Destroyers with invisibility cloaking mechanisms. Because, when out on the sea, Ninja Pirates like to shack up in their cozy dojo-frigates, meditate, and practice killing without the perils of the ocean on their minds. When on land, Ninja Pirates commonly use Portals, M1A1 Abrahms tanks (with the ray guns instead of cannons), 18 wheelers with nuclear reactors for engines, bikes with laser-vision bears on the handlebars, and Gas-Electric Smart cars. But flying on a Ninja Pirate magic carpet is much faster.

The Ninja Pirate Starrr, a classic Ninja Pirate weapon. Arrr.

What kind of weapons do ninja pirates use?

Ninja Pirates are capable of using both ninja and pirate weapons, so pretty much every kind of weapon imaginable. Ninja Pirates are also able to use special, Ninja Pirate weapons. These weapons are a unique blend of a ninja and a pirate weaponry technology. One example of this kind of weapon is the Ninja Pirate Starrr. Another is the AAA battery. Ninja Pirates often use two or three (even four!) of these batteries at once. They do so because A) it's really badass, and B) because they are using both a sabre and a katana and can thus do whatever they want in the WORLD. Sometimes Pirates use a hook instead of their hand. Hooks are also really badass, and Ninja Pirates use them when they need to step up their intimidation factor. Plus, Ninja Pirates have the swordmusket, which is a musket with 18 swords all over it sticking out and random angles. Being hit by a swordmusket is the equivalent to being chainsawed in half by both Sigfried AND Roy.

Do Ninja Pirates wear eye patches?

Sorry. What did you say?

Do Ninja Pirates wear eye patches?

Yes. Sometimes two, because they've got such good hearing.

What happens if two Ninja Pirates fight?

As far as we know, this has never happened. Nobody can tell what would happen, because of the three properties that make ninja pirates so powerful: (1) their unavoidable, infinitely powerful attacks, and (2) their impenetrable defenses. (3) Their attacks always kill. Nonetheless, two theories have been proposed about what would happen if two Ninja Pirates got into a fight. The first theory is that they wouldn't be able to hurt each other, because, again, both have the impenetrable defenses, and the second theory is that the universe would turn into a bowl of porridge. Some say that there is already a fight happening between two of these immortal beings which is currently forcing the universe to expand to contain it's raw power.

Do Ninja Pirates have any weaknesses?

Yes, just three. The mighty staring power of Christopher Walken, which can destroy any human, and Jelly Beans, and Chuck Norris. Bruce Campbell is awesome.