Ninja Management

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Ninja Management is a new management craze sweeping the nation developed in response to deal with employees who are far more intelligent than managers are.

edit Introduction

Once upon a time, U.S. Businesses made every effort to employ the best and brightest individuals to manage their companies. Those who made the cut, and were elevated to management, had a certain style of managing the operation and its employees that was based on education, intelligence and usually a proven track record of success. They had something to lose if they failed: their reputation was on the line, their very existence depended upon them succeeding, if they failed, everything was lost: their reputation, their income and their way of life. Failure meant something in towns where everyone knew everyone else.

But that was then. Times have changed, in most cities no one even knows their next door neighbors name, let alone where they work or what they do. In almost every household both spouses work just to pay the bills; should one lose their job, oh well, just move on to the next job where no one knows you, what you have done or even cares because you won't be around more than a couple of years anyway. All you are doing is filling an empty cookie cutter chair that any trained Monkey could probably do, which brings us to the new millennia management style of NINJA MANAGEMENT.

edit Ninja Management-What is it?

I know what all of you are thinking, but it has nothing to do with the traditional Japanese Ninjas.

Ninjitsu was a style of combat characterized by its use of stealth, finesse and discipline. Although this style, if related to management, sounds impressive, important and functional, as you shall soon see, Ninja Management is all about covering up incompetence, stupidity, corruption and mismanagement.

edit Ninja Management 101

Management used to be the ultimate goal of any good employee and was very attainable for most Americans if they had an IQ above 100, had a decent amount of schooling and had any shred of ethics, morals or compassion.

However, in todays society, U.S. Businesses operate to maximize their profits by any means possible. By employing this strategy it has become necessary to employ managers who will do as their told, not ask questions, will not have any independent thoughts and will cover up any and all corporate corruption lest they be sacrificed if someone exposes it.

So now you understand U.S. Corporate management in the new millennia and how they operate, so here we go with Ninja Management strategies.

edit Ninja News

Used to be that your department manager would have to drag you into the office to talk to you about, well, whatever, or your manager would herd everyone into a conference room to disseminate news, issues, policy changes or whatever needed to be told to the group. The bottom line was, that your manager had to face you to tell you what was up.

Ninja News was developed to totally isolate the managers from their employees. With the explosion of the internet and E-Mail, the department manager has been given the luxury of disseminating news, good or bad, via E-mail. What makes Ninja News so appealing is the manager's ability to send the E-Mail right at the stroke of 5 o'clock, on friday, as they are running out the door to go on their days off, or even better, on their vacation. By doing this, the manager allows themself the ability to avoid conflict for a minimum of two days and possibly longer. The thought process is that by the time the manager returns to work, everyone will have digested the news and calmed down, possibly even forgot about the bad news, thus allowing the manager more time to sit in their office playing Yahoo hearts and avoid that nasty face to face confrontation that every manager fears so much because they have the IQ of a tree stump and find it impossible to actually engage in any intelligent argument.

edit Ambiguity-A Managers best friend

Like a skilled ninja using their trained skills of deception and trickery, todays managers are nothing more than brain dead, yes, men incapable of making any decision on their own. Years of being told what to do and how to do it has removed their spine, lowered their IQ to dangerous levels and in general turned them into nothing more than dipshit lackeys. Unfortunately, as most managers IQ's have been dropping like an anchor in the Marianis trench, hourly employees have been forced to deal with years of these fucking retards and their slight of hand bullshit, thus, hourly employee IQ's have been increasing exponentially to their managers plummeting IQ's.

As employees gain more insight into government laws regulating their particular situation, they have also been forced to become amateur lawyers, accountants, doctors, writers and fortune tellers in response to moronic responses such as:

1) I'll get back with you on that.

2) I'll look into that.

3) I wasn't aware that was going on.

4) Get back with me next week on that.

5) That's something we may look into at a later time.

As you can see, these ambiguous, non-commital answers afford the manager a great deal of freedom to do absolutely nothing about any given situation until the employee either quits, retires or dies. The ambiguous answer requires no real intelligence or skill to employ because no matter what the employees issue is, the manager just repeats any or all of the 5 answers from above just to get that bothersome employee out of the office, the manager will not remember the employees issue 30 seconds after they walk out of the office, so the ambiguous answer works every time because it does not require the manager to remember or care about the issue at hand.

edit Path of Least Resistance

Like a skilled ninja seeking out a weakness in their enemy and exploiting it, todays managers employ a strategy called Path of Least Resistance.

The Path of Least Resistance tactic was developed in response to dealing with higher IQ employees who are far too intelligent for a manager to displace blame to them.

The Path of Least Resistance tactic allows a manager to find the weakest link when they need to blame someone for something that went wrong and place the entire blame on them for the entire mistake/error/FUBAR or SNAFU. By doing this it allows the manager to avoid conflict with an employee that will actually question the decision and will definitely avoid the smarter employee pointing out to upper management that the real reason the mistake was made was because of brain dead fuck of a manager who set the whole thing up to fail to begin with. Problem solved.

edit Ninja Management in the wrong hands

Although Ninja Management requires little skill and even less intelligence to employ, in the wrong hands it can be devastating to the both the manager and the company, (But be a boon of comedy value to employees.)

While many companies have recognized this, there are still those penny pinching, cheap and ignorant corporations out there that feel Ninja Management just can't go wrong.

   v  d  e
NinjastarPIRATES AND/OR NINJASNinjastar

Pirate StormtroopersCaution NinjaClinjaGreat Pirate-Ninja conflictGuitar NinjaHowTo:Be a PirateHowTo:Create Laser Ninja SharksHowTo:Survive a ninja attackInternational Talk Like A Landlubber DayLong John Silver'sNinjaNinja/Laws Ninja conspiracyNinja GaijinNinja InsuranceNinja ManagementNinja PirateNinja-Pirate Assembly of GodThe One PiratePiratePirate kingPirate Liberation OrganizationPirate NinjaPirate radioPirates versus NinjasPirate-Ninja WarPontius PirateReal Ultimate PowerRobot NinjaSid Meier's Pirates!Talk Like A Pirate DayTMNTTeenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesTortugaUnBooks:Bloopy's Pirate DictionaryUnBooks:Ninja Attack Machine Gun FrostyVikingsVideo PiracyWindows Vista Pirated Edition

Personal tools
projects