Ninja

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<div style="border-top:1px solid gray; border-bottom:1px solid gray; padding-top:5px; padding-bottom:5px; margin-bottom:20px">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Whoops, were you looking for a ninja? If so, '''''HE'S BEHIND YOU, YOU IDIO-''''' ahh, damn. Too late again.</div>
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{{Q|It pays the bills...|SubZero|Ninjas}}
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[[Image:Landlubber.jpg|thumb|An artist's depiction of a fruit bowl. It was only when he looked at his finished painting that he realized a ninja was hiding in front of him the whole time.]]
   
[[Image:Landlubber.jpg|thumb|An artist's depiction of a <s>fruit bowl</s> ninja. You see, the artist was actually trying to paint a fruit bowl at the time, and it was only when he finished and looked at the painting that he realized a ninja was hiding in front of him the whole time.]]
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'''Ninja''' (zool. ''cut-throatius ninjutsu-useis head-rippus-offis assassinus Japanensis'') (pl. ninji) is the common Japanese term for a group of intentionally badass martial artists with a complete dominion over all things totally sweet who specialize in killing people. They are also known for their [[1337|leet]] skills, their total disrespect for authority, their ability to fly, their ability to totally FLIP OUT and cut off people's heads, the ability to retract their [[testicle]]s for defensive purposes, even when they aren't cold, and burger/pizza/magazine delivery, which they do 24/7, and have also been known to mysteriously show up several hours before the burger/pizza/magazine was even ordered, with your condiments.<ref>The physical possibility of this is proven by the [[Uncertainty Principle]].</ref> Real ninji can not be seen. Only pirates, while drunk on rum, can see them. If you can see your killer then obviously he is a masked [[Assassin]], not a ninja. Either that, or you're a rum-intoxicated pirate.
{{Q|I'm glad these bitches don't carry guns, wait, awww no....|50 Cent|Ninja}}
 
{{Q|Fire is burning,<br>Many people live in fear,<br>A ninja stalks you. |Haiku|Ninja}}
 
{{Q|Yeah, I've got longish hair and I'm wearing dark clothes. But that doesn't mean I'm a f***ing [[emo]]! Where's my katana?|A drunken ninja|a night out}}
 
{{Q|Im gonna rip your stomach out, none of that "Demonic Pain" crap, im getting medievil on your ass!|Captain Frank|Being a Ninja}}
 
{{wilde|Ninji are just like pirates except quicker, smarter, sneakier, and less drunk.|Ninja}}
 
 
{{Q|Bunsch of damned nanshy boysh. I'll kick their shorry arshes aroond half of Glashgow and then drop their bonesh in the Clyde!|Sean Connery|Ninja}}
 
 
'''Ninja''' (zool. ''cut-throatius ninjutsu-useis head-rippus-offis assassinus Japanensis'') (pl. ninji) is the common Japanese term for a group of intentionally badass martial artists with a complete dominion over all things totally sweet who specialize in killing people, flying, and burger/pizza/magazine delivery, which they do 24/7, and have also been known to mysteriously show up several hours before the burger/pizza/magazine was even ordered, with your condiments. The physical possibility of this is proven by the [[Uncertainty Principle]].
 
 
Although ninji are most commonly thought of as being Japanese, it is a little known but true fact that over half of all ninji are from the southwest [[Detroit]] area. We know most about ninji from the autobiography of Sebastian Taylor, which appeared on the shelves of every library in the Australian city of Adelaide spontaneously in 1972, then proceeding to perform martial arts performances. The books soon joined the Cirque Du Soleil, but left the troop after several mysterious and spontaneous deaths in the audience. The books were never officially charged.
 
 
Ninji are also known for their [[1337|'leet]] skills, their knowledge of quilting history, their total disrespect for authority, their ability to fly, their ability to totally FLIP OUT and cut off people's heads, and the ability to retract their [[testicle]]s for defensive purposes, even when they aren't cold, all displayed and explained in their book "1337 ways to annihilate [[pirates]]". However, ninji are not [[animal]]s (although they may transform into one if they're feeling particularly badass), in that they do provide receipts for assassinations. Of course, due to their temporal skills sometimes they may give the receipt ''before'' the assassination; so if you ever find a small black piece of paper in your pocket, then duck!
 
 
Considered an extreme threat, ninji have a small, yet [[awesome]], population.
 
 
Remember: Real ninji can not be seen. Only pirates, while drunk on rum, can see them. If you can see your killer then obviously he is a masked [[Assassin]], not a ninja. Either that, or you're a rum-intoxicated pirate.
 
   
 
==Ninja Natural Habitat==
 
==Ninja Natural Habitat==
[[Image:Empty_classroom.JPG|thumb|250px|A room full of ninjas.]]
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[[Image:Empty_classroom.JPG|thumb|250px|A room full of ninjas.<br><br>hint: one is hiding behind the wallpaper.<br>four are hiding behind the desks.<br>one hypnotized you to not see him.<br>three are hiding behind the camera.<br>one is dressed as a teacher who is also a ninja so you can't find her.<br>at least six are hanging outside the window.<br>the last one is in the bottom right corner.]]
If you're trying to find a ninja, (make sure you have a written will and you've said goodbye to everybody you love, unless you can bribe a ninja or beg him to be your slave) these are the places they're most commonly found, how do I know? Well let's just say I've lost a lot of interns.
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If you're trying to find a ninja, (make sure you have a written will and you've said goodbye to everybody you love, unless you can bribe a ninja or beg him to be your slave) these are the places they're most commonly found. How do I know? Well let's just say I've lost a lot of interns.
   
 
* Behind you
 
* Behind you
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* Around you
 
* Around you
 
* Under you
 
* Under you
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* Inside you
 
* On top of you
 
* On top of you
* [[paradox|Between you]]
 
 
* In the shadows of you and your loved ones
 
* In the shadows of you and your loved ones
 
* The tree in your backyard
 
* The tree in your backyard
* Inside your mind
 
* In small villages
 
* In your bath tub (under the bubbles!)
 
* Anywhere you can't see
 
 
* In your refrigerator
 
* In your refrigerator
 
* Adjacent to your car keys
 
* Adjacent to your car keys
* In your pajamas, right next to the elephant
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* Wherever [[Pirates]] happen to be
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* In the underwear you are currently wearing
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* At the inside of your drink
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* Up [[Youranus|your anus]]
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* The [[Batman|Bat Cave]]
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* In the [[toilet]]
   
 
==Training and [[Ninja/Skills|Skills]]==
 
==Training and [[Ninja/Skills|Skills]]==
[[Image:Naruto_ORANGE.jpg|150px|thumb|Every once in a while, a Ninja fails to acknowledge the definition of ''stealth. ''Seriously, what kind of assassin wears a freakin' orange jumpsuit?!]]
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[[Image:Naruto_ORANGE.jpg|150px|thumb|Occasionally, ninjas will wear bright orange jumpsuits. This is how you distinguish between ninjas, and ninjas who have failed at life. And bad telly shows.]]
Ninji can use any object as a [[Ninja/Weapons|weapon]]: swords, kantanas, shuriken, Encyclopedia Dramatica, sticks, knives, shuriken, kunai, a banana, a baby, leather pants, a pop can, lengths of rope, wet fishies, rubber duckies, Sam's Club members, your head, keychains, rubber chickens, [[Throwing Star|shuriken]], aluminium ladders, folding fans, [[DDR|Dance Dance Revolution]], a really sharp pencil, a really dull pencil, pudding, an easter egg, rolled up newspapers, shuriken, bubble gum, [[ferrets]], numbers, kunai, hp deskjet 970Cse color printers, a trombone, a condom, a used condom, a travel-size Webster's dictionary, a lamp shade, 1950s porno flicks, a wiimote, your mom, twinkies, the letter Q (only when capitalized), [[Billy Mays]], a Guitar Hero Guitar, a Pikmin, your arm (or any other bodypart/organ he hasn't destroyed) a Poke'ball, Shuriken, a Rabbid Rabbit, a rampant rabbit, another ninja, disembodied limbs, a CRAY II mainframe, boners, tree trunks, chainsaws, pimp canes, ugly neckties, pies, a soup spoon, your face (after they've ripped it off), emotes, [[Dragon Ball Z|kamehameha]] blasts, the guitar solo from Metallica's Seek and Destroy, the guitar solo from Avenged Sevenfold's Strenght of the World, laser vision bears, sharks with frickin' lasers of their frickin' heads, webcomics and/or blogs, social lives stolen from people by World of Warcraft, an egg-nut bar, a cereal box (multiple cereal boxes may be used for better results), more shuriken and Axl Rose's voice - pretty much anything except a gun (actually, a ninja could use a gun, but they find throwing the bullets to be more deadly and visually appealing; or they might just kill you by throwing the gun at you). There have even been cases of ninji being able to kill a person with a hamster whilst still keeping the hamster alive to later eat it. In times of stealth, ninji are completely silent (so if you are outside and don't hear anything, a ninja is probably after you). However, a ninja will attack while saying stuff like "Wu-ahh!" "Woa-chau!" "BLLLLLLLL SENGHAAAAAAAA!!!!" or the simple but unpretentious “BBBYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!”, just because this sounds so [[awesome]]. Ninji often train with the [[National Ninja Association]], who provide free weapons and live targets (such as [[pirates]]). though this is not unnecessary and many ninji tend to hone their badassness alone.
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Ninji can use any object as a [[weapon]]: swords, kantanas, shuriken, Encyclopedia Dramatica, sticks, knives, shuriken, kunai, a banana, a baby, leather pants, a pop can, lengths of rope, wet fishies, rubber duckies, Sam's Club members, your head, key chains, rubber chickens, [[Throwing Star|shuriken]], aluminum ladders, folding fans, [[DDR|Dance Dance Revolution]], a really sharp pencil, a really dull pencil, pudding, an easter egg, rolled up newspapers, shuriken, bubble gum, [[ferrets]], numbers, kunai, a white James Warl Jones wearing a penis on his head, hp deskjet 970Cse color printers, a trombone, a condom, a used condom, a pair of panties, a travel-size Webster's dictionary, a lamp shade, your mom's bra, 1950's porno flicks, a wiimote, your mom, twinkies, the letter Q (only when capitalized), [[Billy Mays]], a Guitar Hero Guitar, a Pikmin, your arm (or any other body-part/organ he hasn't destroyed), a Pokéball, this page, [[Hitler]], the computer you are on, [[Miley Cyrus]], [[Hannah Montana]] Shuriken,an unborn fetus,the alphabet, a Rabbid Rabbit, a rampant rabbit, another ninja, Hotel managers, aggressive kittens, waffles,meat weasels, mutton chops, disembodied limbs, a CRAY II mainframe, boners, tree trunks, chainsaws, pimp canes, ugly neckties, pies, a soup spoon, your face (after they've ripped it off), emotes, [[Dragon Ball Z|kamehameha]] blasts, the guitar solo from Metallica's Seek and Destroy, the guitar solo from Avenged Sevenfold's Strength of the World, laser vision bears, sharks with frickin' lasers of their frickin' heads, web comics and/or blogs, social lives stolen from people by World of Warcraft, an egg-nut bar, a cereal box (multiple cereal boxes may be used for better results), more shuriken and Axl Rose's voice - pretty much anything except a gun (actually, a ninja could use a gun, but they find throwing the bullets to be more deadly and visually appealing; or they might just kill you by throwing the gun at you). There have even been cases of ninji being able to kill a person with a hamster whilst still keeping the hamster alive to later eat it. In times of stealth, ninji are completely silent (so if you are outside and don't hear anything, a ninja is probably after you). However, a ninja will attack while saying stuff like "Wu-ahh!" "Woa-chau!" "BLLLLLLLL SENGHAAAAAAAA!!!!" or the simple but unpretentious “BBBYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!”, just because this sounds so [[awesome]]. Ninji often train with the National Ninja Association, who provide free weapons and live targets (such as [[pirates]]). though this is not unnecessary and many ninji tend to hone their badassness alone.
 
[[Image:Ninjaconcert.jpeg|thumb|When a ninja is skilled enough, it will be trained in the fine art of [[Rock]]. Rock was first used to scare other ninji. The other ninji just killed them.]]
 
[[Image:Ninjaconcert.jpeg|thumb|When a ninja is skilled enough, it will be trained in the fine art of [[Rock]]. Rock was first used to scare other ninji. The other ninji just killed them.]]
Throughout their training, Ninja Masters always enforce the rule of only attacking in groups of one or two, even if there are many more ready to attack. But, if attacking all at once may lead to them humorously being thrown off by the defender, they must do so at every opportunity. It is believed this rule was created to prevent ninji from totally kicking the world's ass, and running out of opponents, which ninji need to be at all happy. Also, if they ever become Ninja Masters and lead a gang of ninji, they always have to fight last, and be ready to leave long pauses for smouldering stare-downs, short arrogant speeches, long, insanely annoying speeches, and for sudden twanging strings if they are fighting for Asian audiences, or climactic cheesy music for Western audiences, or strangly funky clapping music (Kill Bill), all before a sudden silence where all sword strikes ring out, and then to slip up and let the good guy win. Some ninji argue that this is all really stupid, but they all get killed the second they finish staring down their master, because he may be old, but he can still TAKE IT IN THE ASS!
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Throughout their training, Ninja Masters always enforce the rule of only attacking in groups of one or two, even if there are many more ready to attack. But, if attacking all at once may lead to them humorously being thrown off by the defender, they must do so at every opportunity. It is believed this rule was created to prevent ninji from totally kicking the world's ass, and running out of opponents, which ninji need to be at all happy. Also, if they ever become Ninja Masters and lead a gang of ninji, they always have to fight last, and be ready to leave long pauses for smoldering stare-downs, short arrogant speeches, long, insanely annoying speeches, and for sudden twanging strings if they are fighting for Asian audiences, or climactic cheesy music for Western audiences, or strangely funky clapping music (Kill Bill), all before a sudden silence where all sword strikes ring out, and then to slip up and let the good guy win. Some ninji argue that this is all really stupid, but they all get killed the second they finish staring down their master, because he may be old, but he can still TAKE IT IN THE ASS!
   
 
Ninji are also known for letting people give it to them IN THE FACE and not even think twice about it (as ninji never need to), as well as being able to [[Guitar Ninja|wail the guitar]] even better than [[Eddie Van Halen]]. In fact, a ninja can do pretty much anything he chooses merely by concentrating on it for a few seconds, so even the arts of macramé and [[Cplusplus|C++]] are well known to them. These and similar properties of ninja are collectively known as [[Real Ultimate Power]]. The only things ninji are afraid of are shit-scary ghost stories. It is also highly advisable to ask a ninja.
 
Ninji are also known for letting people give it to them IN THE FACE and not even think twice about it (as ninji never need to), as well as being able to [[Guitar Ninja|wail the guitar]] even better than [[Eddie Van Halen]]. In fact, a ninja can do pretty much anything he chooses merely by concentrating on it for a few seconds, so even the arts of macramé and [[Cplusplus|C++]] are well known to them. These and similar properties of ninja are collectively known as [[Real Ultimate Power]]. The only things ninji are afraid of are shit-scary ghost stories. It is also highly advisable to ask a ninja.
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==[[Real Ultimate Power]]==
 
==[[Real Ultimate Power]]==
[[Real Ultimate Power]] can be attained by a ninja in two ways. The most recent way is to basically attain all aspects of the ninja, like flipping out, playing the guitar awesomely, killing people and killing pirates. The first time ninji received Real Ultimate Power was when [[Elvis]] gave ninji [[One Ring|The One Ring]] to prevent [[The Burger King]] from getting it. Ninji with The Ring learned how to give other ninji the power of Real Ultimate Power because they had The Ring. This is how they got the power, like [[He-Man]].
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[[Real Ultimate Power]] can be attained by a ninja in two ways. The most recent way is to basically attain all aspects of the ninja, like flipping out, playing the guitar awesomely, killing people and killing pirates. The first time ninji received Real Ultimate Power was when [[Elvis]] gave ninji [[One Ring|The One Ring]] to prevent [[The Burger King]] from getting it. Ninji with The Ring learned how to give other ninji the power of Real Ultimate Power because they had The Ring. This is how they got the power, like He-Man.
   
 
== Diet ==
 
== Diet ==
 
Ninji tend to feast on your fear, neglect, lack of speed and your decision not to turn around. Their hatred is primarily derived from the existence of pirates and the unholy sight of [[women]] smiling. Any woman who gathers means of entertainment not inflicted upon her by a ninja's underrated topical humor and witty antics is punishable by ninja sword, drop-kick to the Manolo Blahnik's, five across the eyes, or the fearsome ninja dutch rub. Although ninji scarcely consume food, they do have a few exceptions.
 
Ninji tend to feast on your fear, neglect, lack of speed and your decision not to turn around. Their hatred is primarily derived from the existence of pirates and the unholy sight of [[women]] smiling. Any woman who gathers means of entertainment not inflicted upon her by a ninja's underrated topical humor and witty antics is punishable by ninja sword, drop-kick to the Manolo Blahnik's, five across the eyes, or the fearsome ninja dutch rub. Although ninji scarcely consume food, they do have a few exceptions.
*'''Large cats''': Although established that eating domestic house [[cats]] is quite easily one of the coolest things you can do, ninji prefer the rugged stuff. How do you think ninji get [[hair]] on their constantly secured knuckles? Simple, they take on lions, tigers, leopards, and cheetahs one-on-one. Ninji have been witnessed to verbally persuade two lions to have a [[steel cage match]] within the confines of a state park. This is funny considering ninji rarely ever speak.
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*'''Large cats''': Although established that eating domestic house [[cats]] is quite easily one of the coolest things you can do, ninji prefer the rugged stuff.
*'''Creampuffs with sharp angles''' and '''powdered swords''': These make for sumptuous deserts, and conveniently they also double as weapons.
 
*'''Anything that reminds them of [[Eric Clapton]]'s hair''': Ninji once experimented with making their suits out of Eric Clapton's hair. Unfortunately, they could not resist the temptation of feasting on the pure taste of heroin, [[blood]], sweat, and guitar.
 
*'''Napalm''': It makes their indestructible [[semen]] just that much more indestructible. They often use their napalm-filled semen to rape pirates and cause them grevious amounts of anal pain, which is how pirates came upon the "ARRRR" curse.
 
 
*'''Babies''': For breakfast, lunch, dinner, and sometimes brunch, ninji will consume babies of all varieties. They're usually dined on with ketchup and sometimes peanut butter.
 
*'''Babies''': For breakfast, lunch, dinner, and sometimes brunch, ninji will consume babies of all varieties. They're usually dined on with ketchup and sometimes peanut butter.
*'''Grues''': Grues are a very rare delicacy for ninji, owed mostly to the difficulty of subduing them. They are eaten raw and with a side of nails and tile grout. It is said that a ninja will gain [[OVER 9000|phenomenal cosmic power]]. I don't know where they got their information from, as ninji are impossible to observe whenever they are not currently in a state of killing you, but reports indicate that declining grue populations often lead to explosions of shuriken related deaths.
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*'''Other Ninji''': Ninji, when at the point where the universe's consciousness is no more, will resort to cannibalism. Common sense suggests that this will be the ninja's ultimate downfall, which is why is why it's not very common anymore. This fact is also true for many types of [[frog|amphibian]] and most of your local [[restaurant]]s.
*'''The very matter of the universe''': Ninji could survive for entire millennia without eating anything physical, simply because they might be busy destroying a killer, 18-foot viking, or a two-headed dragon from the pits of Hell. In these times, they just absorb sustenance from the air around them, the ground they stand on, or whatever's handy.
 
*'''Other Ninji''': Ninji, when at the point where the universe's consciousness is no more, will resort to cannibalism. Common sense suggests that this will be the ninja's ultimate downfall, which is why is why it's not very common anymore. This fact is also true for many types of [[amphibian]] and most of your local [[restaurant]]s.
 
*'''Kittens''': Ninji eat kittens because of their soft texture and screeching meow, they also can make useful diversions such as blowing up the kitten to escape.
 
 
== Codes of the Ninja ==
 
Ninji tend to send us codes of what they are planning to do to you; however, most humans simply cannot comprehend these messages with their feeble brains. Here are a few that we have taken the liberty to translate for you.
 
* You "see" a Ninja somewhere = Prepare to die
 
* A Ninja makes eye contact with you = Prepare to die
 
* You are performing your daily routine like a good cyborg does = Prepare to die.
 
* A ninja shakes your hand = Have a nice day... then you're going to die.
 
* Other = Prepare to be mutilated (long, fancy way ninji say prepare to die)
 
* You come home to find a ninja reading the paper and using your toilet = You can't knock on the freakin door? Prepare to die.
 
* You see an innocent-looking old man walking toward you, desperately asking you for help = Run if you want, but he'll catch you up anyway. (Ninji usually disguise themselves as old men, which increases their cool factor)
 
* A Ninja finds you playing Naruto: Rise of A Ninja = Prepare to Die and then the Ninja will beat the game in less then 4.34 seconds.
 
* A Ninja flips you off = Same as above and below
 
* You do NOT see a ninja = Prepare to die
 
* If you don't know where a fart came from = prepare to die.
 
* If you are a ninja = Prepare to kill someone.
 
* You smell something horrible = Prepare to die, this ninja does not bathe
 
* If a ninja sees you playing Ninja Gaiden on the Xbox 360 = Prepare to die multiple times, then the ninja will swiftly take your Xbox 360, as a trophy
 
* You have seen a [[premonition]] = Prepare to die (freak accident involving a ninja)
 
* A ninja takes you out for dinner = Prepare to [[TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL|dine in hell]].
 
* You write this sentence = prepare to d---
 
* You attempt to speak with ninji with a "[[naruto]]" accent = prepare to die. Believe it!
 
   
 
== What to do if a ninja is after you ==
 
== What to do if a ninja is after you ==
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[[Image:Funny_Pictures_1588.jpg|left|thumb|154px|Self-defense]]
 
[[Image:Funny_Pictures_1588.jpg|left|thumb|154px|Self-defense]]
 
* '''First, do not panic'''. Ninji are able to sense panic and will home in on it, just like dogs, bees, or [[William Shatner]].
 
* '''First, do not panic'''. Ninji are able to sense panic and will home in on it, just like dogs, bees, or [[William Shatner]].
* '''Second, don't get bitten'''. If a ninja bites you, you will become one at every full moon. Actually, that may be a myth, but you still don't want to get bitten, since that's a good way to get an infection, and it will probably hurt a lot. Wait, on second thought....who doesn't want to be a ninja? Sometimes the ninja will curse his bite however, resulting in the victim turning into a pirate instead of a ninja.
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* '''Second, don't get bitten'''. If a ninja bites you, you will become one at every full moon. Actually, that may be a myth, but you still don't want to get bitten, since that's a good way to get an infection, and it will probably hurt a lot.
 
* '''Third, ninji are NOT intimidated by pirates!'''. Dressing up as a pirate in an attempt to intimidate a ninja will have the same effect on your body as a blender does on mince meat. Only pirates should act like pirates (and if the ninji had their way, not even them).
 
* '''Third, ninji are NOT intimidated by pirates!'''. Dressing up as a pirate in an attempt to intimidate a ninja will have the same effect on your body as a blender does on mince meat. Only pirates should act like pirates (and if the ninji had their way, not even them).
* '''Do not ask, "Who's there?..."''', because the answer is always a swift shuriken to the forehead. Incidentally, non ninja stalking you don't tend to reply with anything useful either.
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* '''Do not ask, "Who's there?..."''', because the answer is always a swift shuriken to the forehead. Incidentally, those non-ninja who are stalking you don't tend to reply with anything useful either.
* '''Don't get in a car and drive off''', because the ninja will probably jump on the car and try to stab you through the ceiling with his sword. Besides, the ninja would already have placed caltrops in front of the tires. Incidentally, ninji have an uncanny ability to plan for their foe's every move. This could result from some kind of mystical ninja psychic ability, or maybe it's because one of the ninja mottos is "expect the unexpected."
 
 
* '''Do not pull out a gun and shoot the ninja'''. That is useless, since ninja are impervious to bullets (they shoot themselves just to cure itches). Even if you were lucky enough to hit the ninja, he would just take the bullet and beat you to death with it.
 
* '''Do not pull out a gun and shoot the ninja'''. That is useless, since ninja are impervious to bullets (they shoot themselves just to cure itches). Even if you were lucky enough to hit the ninja, he would just take the bullet and beat you to death with it.
* '''Do not attempt to use pepper spray on the ninja'''. The ninja will use the spray to season his bologna sandwich, making him a bloated and satiated ninja. The only aim he has left is your swift demise.
 
* '''Whatever you do, do NOT speak like a pirate''', as ninji attack pirates on sight. Actually, just to be on the safe side, you should try to avoid using any words with an "R" in them. You might try pointing behind the ninja and saying "Look out! There's a pirate behind you!" but ninji are very cunning and will assume you are lying, so you might instead want to point behind the ninja and say, "Don't look! There is not a pirate behind you!"
 
* '''Never use reverse psychology on a ninja,''' they'll take it as an insult, skewer you on their katanas and then turn you inside out. I guess that the previous is now null. Oh well... pirate!
 
* '''Always remember''' that haikus '''DO NOT''' work on ninji.
 
* '''[[Maybe|DO NOT]]''' [[idiot|try]] [[girls|to]] [[stick|throw]] [[links]] [[Mensa|at]] [[a]] [[awesome|ninja]]. [[Someone|They]] [[iron|will]] [[you|just]] [[your mom|get]] [[crap|really]] [[AAAAAAAAA!|pissed]] [[A|and]] [[kill]] [[you]] [[even]] [[9-Eleven|more.]]
 
:* [[Red links won't work either, smartass]].
 
::* [[Main_Page|Don't even think about purple ones]]
 
 
* '''Stay still and hope the ninja does not see you'''. Ninji are very sensitive to movement. Climbing a tree is not recommended, since ninji are very good at climbing.
 
* '''Stay still and hope the ninja does not see you'''. Ninji are very sensitive to movement. Climbing a tree is not recommended, since ninji are very good at climbing.
 
* '''Try to pretend you are a samurai'''. Because ninji are wary of [[samurai]], you could try to pretend you are a samurai, if you happen to have a katana and a complete set of medieval samurai armor handy, and speak fluent feudal-era Japanese.
 
* '''Try to pretend you are a samurai'''. Because ninji are wary of [[samurai]], you could try to pretend you are a samurai, if you happen to have a katana and a complete set of medieval samurai armor handy, and speak fluent feudal-era Japanese.
 
* '''Use kung fu'''. Your best option is to go out there and '''[[Kung Fu|kung fu fight]] the ninja'''. However, ninji invented kung fu (though the Shaolin monks took all the credit) so you don't have a chance in hell. However, you will retain some honor by deciding to fight the ninja. Of course, after the ninja slices off your limbs and beats you with them until you cry like a baby, you may find yourself wishing for the option of a quick, shameful death.
 
* '''Use kung fu'''. Your best option is to go out there and '''[[Kung Fu|kung fu fight]] the ninja'''. However, ninji invented kung fu (though the Shaolin monks took all the credit) so you don't have a chance in hell. However, you will retain some honor by deciding to fight the ninja. Of course, after the ninja slices off your limbs and beats you with them until you cry like a baby, you may find yourself wishing for the option of a quick, shameful death.
* '''Pretend to be a ninja'''. Ninji never attack fellows ninji except their mothers smacking them. If you don't happen to have a full ninja uniform or speak fluent Japanese, though...
 
* '''Run straight to the nearest [[chopper]]''' This is what Dutch advises when The Predator approaches (An alien type of ninja)
 
 
* '''If at all possible, always have a bonsai plant handy to give as an offering'''. Ninji love bonsai plants, and may even delay your demise by up to thirty seconds.
 
* '''If at all possible, always have a bonsai plant handy to give as an offering'''. Ninji love bonsai plants, and may even delay your demise by up to thirty seconds.
*'''Do not use the [[Jedi]] mind trick.''' It doesn't work, the ninja will simply pull out his spare handy light-saber and use the force on your ass.
 
 
* '''Place your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye'''. (highly recommended)
 
* '''Place your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye'''. (highly recommended)
* '''Let him make [[you]] his [[bitch]].
 
* '''Set yourself on fire.''' Ninji dislike [[fire]] (that they themselves did not spawn into existance by concentrating their chakras) really badly and they will run away from you, until you're completely crispy. The ninajs will then come back later on and eat your crispy corpse for dinner.
 
   
 
In summary: if a ninja is after you, there is nothing you can do about it. Most of the time, you won't even know a ninja is after you until you're standing at the Pearly Gates in disbelief. Don't worry though, ninji don't usually go after random targets. Just in case they decide to, however, don't play "Ninja Gaiden" or "Shinobi" - it just offends them.
 
In summary: if a ninja is after you, there is nothing you can do about it. Most of the time, you won't even know a ninja is after you until you're standing at the Pearly Gates in disbelief. Don't worry though, ninji don't usually go after random targets. Just in case they decide to, however, don't play "Ninja Gaiden" or "Shinobi" - it just offends them.
   
== What to do if a ninja is BEFORE you ==
+
== What to do if a Ninja is BEFORE you ==
* '''Just stand back, and let him go about his daily business'''. If there's one thing ninji hate, it's people who jump queues.
+
* '''Just stand back, and let him go about his daily business'''. If there's one thing Ninji hate, it's people who jump queues.
 
* '''Try to touch him'''. If you want to have one less head.
 
* '''Try to touch him'''. If you want to have one less head.
 
* '''DON'T CUT IN LINE'''. He will let you pass, buy food and then throw a [[Throwing Star|shuriken]] swiftly into your throat killing you instantly, then take your food without dropping or otherwise spoiling the food.
 
* '''DON'T CUT IN LINE'''. He will let you pass, buy food and then throw a [[Throwing Star|shuriken]] swiftly into your throat killing you instantly, then take your food without dropping or otherwise spoiling the food.
 
* '''Keep your distance'''. Unless you want to end your life early.
 
* '''Keep your distance'''. Unless you want to end your life early.
+
* '''Hope'''. That he didn't have any napalm this morning, that is.
==Ninja noises==
+
* '''Pray'''. Well, actually, don't pray, because a ninja is a god.
If you hear a ninja make noise, do not assume that they were sneaking and accidentally did so. You will '''NEVER''' hear a ninja accidentally make a noise. Not even a fart. If you are hearing a noise, you may nonetheless stand a chance of surviving. Ninji, like bears, will only threaten you in self defence, or if they're really pissed off. If you HAVE really pissed off a ninja (in which case there's no hope), then either A) you are a Samurai and already know this or B) you are a pirate and have stolen this computer. Please return this computer to its original owner.
+
* '''Say "hi" to them'''. Maybe being too polite would kill you.
+
* '''Spread the [[gospel]] of [[Jesus Christ|Christ]]'''. But they are [[Taoism|Taoists]], so you'd lose a body for your soul
Common ninja noises:
+
* '''Offer them money'''. Well, just don't, as they can steal as much money as they want.
+
* '''I, er, um, PONIES'''. Tell them all about this [[Ponyism|freaking pony virus]], and give them the [[virus]], so they will be a brony (then kill you and say "thanks").
* '''Kua-chaaiii''' -- You're [[fuck|f***ed]].
+
* '''[[Cannibalism|Try to eat the ninja]]'''. If you can.
* '''Hiii-waaaaaaa''' -- You're f***ed.
+
* '''Push them out of a cliff'''. It is effective if you ask Raizo to do it for you.
* '''D'wooooOOOO''' -- This ninja has to take a dump, bad, and you have been generally allotted two seconds to get away from between him and the bathroom. Or else you're f***ed.
+
* '''Tell them to jump off a cliff'''. Well, just like before, they are [[Pigs|Taoists]], so you'd be safe this way... Until they became bronies and avoid jumping off cliffs.
* '''Wa-zatiii!''' -- EITHER It's okay, he's only going to kill you family OR You're f***ed.
+
* '''[http://askoctavia.tumblr.com/ask Ask Octavia] certain things to do when a ninja is BEFORE you'''. She's a [[babes|babe]], so she probably got away with it by being [[sexy]].
* '''Yee-HAH''' -- This ninja will horribly mutilate you, but not kill you.
+
* '''Ask Kiro'''. But he is a ninja, so you're [[dead ball]] when you ask him anything.
* '''Haaaaaaaah''' -- This ninja just wet his pants. Act like you didn't notice, or you're f***ed.
+
* '''"Give them [[STD]]s"'''. The most effective, yet slow. You'd be dead after.
* '''Huahhh?''' --Tell him quick how to get to
+
* '''Strip naked and start dancing'''. This would be a lot embarrassing, but it entertains (and distracts) the ninja, so you get a chance to escape.
* '''Believe It!''' --This is not a Ninja, this is a dumbass [[Naruto|blondie]] ''trying'' to be a Ninja.
+
* '''[[Defecation|Take a shit]]'''. The ninja would wait for you to finish before [[decapitation|decapitating]] you.
* '''Dattebayo''' --This is also not a Ninja, this is a noob in an orange jumpsuit trying to be a ninja. (Will occur only in Japan.)
+
* '''[[Give a shit]]'''. Very effective to get yourself poisoned with [[tetanus]]
[[Amsterdam]]- or you're f***ed.
+
* '''Join them'''. But you'll have to suffer a shitload of trainings to to be one.
* '''ARGH!''' -- That is a pirate, not a ninja. If the "ninja" just made that noise, click [[pirate|here]] for advice - QUICKLY!
+
* '''Smite them with a mace'''. This works well because ninjas can be weak to medieval weapons.
* '''Here's your pizza, dude.''' - Answer the door and pay for your [[pizza]]. Unless you were just ABOUT to order, in which case it is obviously a temporal ninja. The correct course of action here is to pay a double tip for the pizza (or else you're f***ed).
+
* '''Be rude'''. Don't be sorry! Be assertive! Never apologize, when you can criticize.
* '''Ho ho ho!''' - This ninja (disguised as [[Santa Claus]]) will be coming in your house, go down the chimney and dceliver your presents in 10 secods. Stay asleep, act like nothing happened and don't creep downstairs to spy on him or you're [[fucked|f***ed]] (which means he'll throw hot deadly coals at you).
+
* '''Ask for 1 minute of complete silence'''
* '''Cowabunga''' -- This ninja will choke you to death with pizza and nostalgic Saturday morning cartoons.
 
   
 
==Types==
 
==Types==
 
:''see main article [[Ninja/Types|Types of Ninja]]''
 
:''see main article [[Ninja/Types|Types of Ninja]]''
 
==Skills==
 
:''see main article [[Ninja/Skills|Ninja Skills]]''
 
 
==Facts==
 
:''see main article [[Ninja/Facts|Facts about Ninji]]''
 
   
 
==Laws==
 
==Laws==
 
:''see main article [[Ninja/Laws|Ninja Laws]]''
 
:''see main article [[Ninja/Laws|Ninja Laws]]''
  +
  +
==Skills==
  +
All.
   
 
==Weapons==
 
==Weapons==
 
It would be useless to list all the weapons of the ninja here, because there are too many, and ninji can be incredibly creative with weapons.
 
It would be useless to list all the weapons of the ninja here, because there are too many, and ninji can be incredibly creative with weapons.
It doesn't matter what it is a ninja could kill you with a toothpick if he/she wanted to.
 
 
==Path of the Ninja==
 
:''see main article [[Ninja/Path|The Path of the Ninja]]''
 
 
 
 
==Ninji in Hip Hop==
 
In the late 1980's a group of African American ninji known as the "Wu-Tang Clan" straight from the slums of Shaolin, banished from the dojo appeared to take on the rap industry. These ninji differed from others where as they did not wield a katana but mainly shanks and pistols. Unlike normal ninji they did not hide in shadows or in your cereal boxes, but were quite up-front with flipping out and mutilating one's face. After taking a break from the hip hop scene they went into the sewers were they found their new mentor "Master Splinter". Over a period of time, eating awsome amounts of pizza, they slowly began to turn into turtles who mistook each other for Famous Italian Painters. Returning to their roots as rappers they began to catch beef with a local rapper the "Shredder". The Shredder was also a ninja who was once thwarted in a a rap battle by entrepreneur/hip hop veteran "the Green Ranger" forcing the Shredder to return to Staten Island. The Wu-Tang Clan, aka The Ninja Turtles, continue to battle the Shredder to this day.
 
   
 
== See also ==
 
== See also ==
 
As a group which has spanned the last few hundred centuries, much has been written about the secretive ninja.
 
As a group which has spanned the last few hundred centuries, much has been written about the secretive ninja.
 
Some additional resources are:
 
Some additional resources are:
* [[Ninja Info Cards]]
+
{{Reflist}}
* [[The 10 general commandments of all humanity]]
 
* [[Acute Ninja Syndrome]]
 
 
* [[Ninja Gaijin]]
 
* [[Ninja Gaijin]]
 
* [[Ninja Insurance]]
 
* [[Ninja Insurance]]
 
* [[Ninja Management]]
 
* [[Ninja Management]]
 
* [[Pirates versus Ninjas|Pirates versus Ninji]]
 
* [[Pirates versus Ninjas|Pirates versus Ninji]]
* [[National Ninja Association]]
+
* [[Ninja Pirate]]
* [[Ninja/Types|Types of Ninja]]
+
* [[Robot Ninja]]
** [[Ninja Pirate]]
+
* [[Pirate]]
** [[Werepirateninja]]
+
** [[Robot Ninja]]
+
==External link==
** [[Stealth Jerker]]
+
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yd_1HJbMngE Awesome Ninjas with 'Ninjas' written on pink headbanks!!]
** [[Canadian]]
 
* [[Ninja Pirate Island]]
 
* [[Naruto]]
 
* [[Ninja Gerbils]]
 
* [[Pirate]]!!!
 
* [[List of Real Life Ninjas]]
 
== External links ==
 
*[http://www.askaninja.com Ask A Ninja]
 
*[http://www.realultimatepower.net The Official Ninja Webpage]
 
*[http://gprime.net/video.php/ninjarap Ninja Rap: Educational Video]
 
 
{{pirate}}{{Race}}
 
{{pirate}}{{Race}}
 
[[Category:Awesome]]
 
[[Category:Awesome]]
 
[[Category:Animals]]
 
[[Category:Animals]]
 
[[Category:Mammals]]
 
[[Category:Mammals]]
[[Category:Ninjas]]
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[[Category:Ninjas|*]]
 
[[Category:Overpowered RPG Classes]]
 
[[Category:Overpowered RPG Classes]]
[[Category:Invisible_Things]]
+
[[Category:Invisible Things]]
 
[[nl:Ninja]]
 
[[pt:Ninja]]
 
   
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{{Link FA|pt}}
 
[[da:Ninja]]
 
[[da:Ninja]]
 
[[es:Ninja]]
 
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[[ja:忍者]]
 
[[ja:忍者]]
 
[[ko:닌자]]
 
[[ko:닌자]]
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[[nl:Ninja]]
 
[[no:Ninja]]
 
[[no:Ninja]]
 
[[pl:Ninja]]
 
[[pl:Ninja]]
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[[pt:Ninja]]
 
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[[zh:忍者]]
 
[[zh-tw:忍者]]
 
[[zh-tw:忍者]]

Latest revision as of 19:25, June 4, 2013

     Whoops, were you looking for a ninja? If so, HE'S BEHIND YOU, YOU IDIO- ahh, damn. Too late again.
“It pays the bills...”
~ SubZero on Ninjas
Landlubber

An artist's depiction of a fruit bowl. It was only when he looked at his finished painting that he realized a ninja was hiding in front of him the whole time.

Ninja (zool. cut-throatius ninjutsu-useis head-rippus-offis assassinus Japanensis) (pl. ninji) is the common Japanese term for a group of intentionally badass martial artists with a complete dominion over all things totally sweet who specialize in killing people. They are also known for their leet skills, their total disrespect for authority, their ability to fly, their ability to totally FLIP OUT and cut off people's heads, the ability to retract their testicles for defensive purposes, even when they aren't cold, and burger/pizza/magazine delivery, which they do 24/7, and have also been known to mysteriously show up several hours before the burger/pizza/magazine was even ordered, with your condiments.[1] Real ninji can not be seen. Only pirates, while drunk on rum, can see them. If you can see your killer then obviously he is a masked Assassin, not a ninja. Either that, or you're a rum-intoxicated pirate.

edit Ninja Natural Habitat

Empty classroom

A room full of ninjas.

hint: one is hiding behind the wallpaper.
four are hiding behind the desks.
one hypnotized you to not see him.
three are hiding behind the camera.
one is dressed as a teacher who is also a ninja so you can't find her.
at least six are hanging outside the window.
the last one is in the bottom right corner.

If you're trying to find a ninja, (make sure you have a written will and you've said goodbye to everybody you love, unless you can bribe a ninja or beg him to be your slave) these are the places they're most commonly found. How do I know? Well let's just say I've lost a lot of interns.

  • Behind you
  • In front of you
  • Near you
  • Around you
  • Under you
  • Inside you
  • On top of you
  • In the shadows of you and your loved ones
  • The tree in your backyard
  • In your refrigerator
  • Adjacent to your car keys
  • Wherever Pirates happen to be
  • In the underwear you are currently wearing
  • At the inside of your drink
  • Up your anus
  • The Bat Cave
  • In the toilet

edit Training and Skills

Naruto ORANGE

Occasionally, ninjas will wear bright orange jumpsuits. This is how you distinguish between ninjas, and ninjas who have failed at life. And bad telly shows.

Ninji can use any object as a weapon: swords, kantanas, shuriken, Encyclopedia Dramatica, sticks, knives, shuriken, kunai, a banana, a baby, leather pants, a pop can, lengths of rope, wet fishies, rubber duckies, Sam's Club members, your head, key chains, rubber chickens, shuriken, aluminum ladders, folding fans, Dance Dance Revolution, a really sharp pencil, a really dull pencil, pudding, an easter egg, rolled up newspapers, shuriken, bubble gum, ferrets, numbers, kunai, a white James Warl Jones wearing a penis on his head, hp deskjet 970Cse color printers, a trombone, a condom, a used condom, a pair of panties, a travel-size Webster's dictionary, a lamp shade, your mom's bra, 1950's porno flicks, a wiimote, your mom, twinkies, the letter Q (only when capitalized), Billy Mays, a Guitar Hero Guitar, a Pikmin, your arm (or any other body-part/organ he hasn't destroyed), a Pokéball, this page, Hitler, the computer you are on, Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana Shuriken,an unborn fetus,the alphabet, a Rabbid Rabbit, a rampant rabbit, another ninja, Hotel managers, aggressive kittens, waffles,meat weasels, mutton chops, disembodied limbs, a CRAY II mainframe, boners, tree trunks, chainsaws, pimp canes, ugly neckties, pies, a soup spoon, your face (after they've ripped it off), emotes, kamehameha blasts, the guitar solo from Metallica's Seek and Destroy, the guitar solo from Avenged Sevenfold's Strength of the World, laser vision bears, sharks with frickin' lasers of their frickin' heads, web comics and/or blogs, social lives stolen from people by World of Warcraft, an egg-nut bar, a cereal box (multiple cereal boxes may be used for better results), more shuriken and Axl Rose's voice - pretty much anything except a gun (actually, a ninja could use a gun, but they find throwing the bullets to be more deadly and visually appealing; or they might just kill you by throwing the gun at you). There have even been cases of ninji being able to kill a person with a hamster whilst still keeping the hamster alive to later eat it. In times of stealth, ninji are completely silent (so if you are outside and don't hear anything, a ninja is probably after you). However, a ninja will attack while saying stuff like "Wu-ahh!" "Woa-chau!" "BLLLLLLLL SENGHAAAAAAAA!!!!" or the simple but unpretentious “BBBYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!”, just because this sounds so awesome. Ninji often train with the National Ninja Association, who provide free weapons and live targets (such as pirates). though this is not unnecessary and many ninji tend to hone their badassness alone.

Ninjaconcert

When a ninja is skilled enough, it will be trained in the fine art of Rock. Rock was first used to scare other ninji. The other ninji just killed them.

Throughout their training, Ninja Masters always enforce the rule of only attacking in groups of one or two, even if there are many more ready to attack. But, if attacking all at once may lead to them humorously being thrown off by the defender, they must do so at every opportunity. It is believed this rule was created to prevent ninji from totally kicking the world's ass, and running out of opponents, which ninji need to be at all happy. Also, if they ever become Ninja Masters and lead a gang of ninji, they always have to fight last, and be ready to leave long pauses for smoldering stare-downs, short arrogant speeches, long, insanely annoying speeches, and for sudden twanging strings if they are fighting for Asian audiences, or climactic cheesy music for Western audiences, or strangely funky clapping music (Kill Bill), all before a sudden silence where all sword strikes ring out, and then to slip up and let the good guy win. Some ninji argue that this is all really stupid, but they all get killed the second they finish staring down their master, because he may be old, but he can still TAKE IT IN THE ASS!

Ninji are also known for letting people give it to them IN THE FACE and not even think twice about it (as ninji never need to), as well as being able to wail the guitar even better than Eddie Van Halen. In fact, a ninja can do pretty much anything he chooses merely by concentrating on it for a few seconds, so even the arts of macramé and C++ are well known to them. These and similar properties of ninja are collectively known as Real Ultimate Power. The only things ninji are afraid of are shit-scary ghost stories. It is also highly advisable to ask a ninja.

Ninji also use Bo-Staffs. A Bo-Staff is really, in all actuality, just a big, wooden stick that they hit people with. But only ninji can do it right. Many others have tried to use a Bo-Staff, but have failed dismally, eventually getting killed by the ninja they stole said Bo-Staff from, with the Bo-Staff stolen from that very same ninja. There once was a disputed case of a pirate attempting to use a Bo-Staff, but he was immediately killed with a real Bo-Staff, as ninji can never have anyone matching their mighty skills. Ever.

It is not wise to mess with a ninja, as it will result in your head getting cut off(by a Bo-Staff), having your body turned into a shuriken rack, or being choked by your own arm.

Janusroninja9ye

Ninja in Ninja:The Musical. Note that the caption text talking about hundreds of ninji is, in fact, perfectly accurate. However, only apprentice level ninji can be seen.

Ninjas disguise

A ninja's most diabolical disguise yet.

edit Real Ultimate Power

Real Ultimate Power can be attained by a ninja in two ways. The most recent way is to basically attain all aspects of the ninja, like flipping out, playing the guitar awesomely, killing people and killing pirates. The first time ninji received Real Ultimate Power was when Elvis gave ninji The One Ring to prevent The Burger King from getting it. Ninji with The Ring learned how to give other ninji the power of Real Ultimate Power because they had The Ring. This is how they got the power, like He-Man.

edit Diet

Ninji tend to feast on your fear, neglect, lack of speed and your decision not to turn around. Their hatred is primarily derived from the existence of pirates and the unholy sight of women smiling. Any woman who gathers means of entertainment not inflicted upon her by a ninja's underrated topical humor and witty antics is punishable by ninja sword, drop-kick to the Manolo Blahnik's, five across the eyes, or the fearsome ninja dutch rub. Although ninji scarcely consume food, they do have a few exceptions.

  • Large cats: Although established that eating domestic house cats is quite easily one of the coolest things you can do, ninji prefer the rugged stuff.
  • Babies: For breakfast, lunch, dinner, and sometimes brunch, ninji will consume babies of all varieties. They're usually dined on with ketchup and sometimes peanut butter.
  • Other Ninji: Ninji, when at the point where the universe's consciousness is no more, will resort to cannibalism. Common sense suggests that this will be the ninja's ultimate downfall, which is why is why it's not very common anymore. This fact is also true for many types of amphibian and most of your local restaurants.

edit What to do if a ninja is after you

Being masters of stealth, there is usually no way to know if a ninja is following you until you suddenly find a ninja star embedded in your temple, or a sword sticking out of your chest. So therefore the rest of these are pretty useless. Still, on the off chance that you detect a ninja, try the following:

Funny Pictures 1588

Self-defense

  • First, do not panic. Ninji are able to sense panic and will home in on it, just like dogs, bees, or William Shatner.
  • Second, don't get bitten. If a ninja bites you, you will become one at every full moon. Actually, that may be a myth, but you still don't want to get bitten, since that's a good way to get an infection, and it will probably hurt a lot.
  • Third, ninji are NOT intimidated by pirates!. Dressing up as a pirate in an attempt to intimidate a ninja will have the same effect on your body as a blender does on mince meat. Only pirates should act like pirates (and if the ninji had their way, not even them).
  • Do not ask, "Who's there?...", because the answer is always a swift shuriken to the forehead. Incidentally, those non-ninja who are stalking you don't tend to reply with anything useful either.
  • Do not pull out a gun and shoot the ninja. That is useless, since ninja are impervious to bullets (they shoot themselves just to cure itches). Even if you were lucky enough to hit the ninja, he would just take the bullet and beat you to death with it.
  • Stay still and hope the ninja does not see you. Ninji are very sensitive to movement. Climbing a tree is not recommended, since ninji are very good at climbing.
  • Try to pretend you are a samurai. Because ninji are wary of samurai, you could try to pretend you are a samurai, if you happen to have a katana and a complete set of medieval samurai armor handy, and speak fluent feudal-era Japanese.
  • Use kung fu. Your best option is to go out there and kung fu fight the ninja. However, ninji invented kung fu (though the Shaolin monks took all the credit) so you don't have a chance in hell. However, you will retain some honor by deciding to fight the ninja. Of course, after the ninja slices off your limbs and beats you with them until you cry like a baby, you may find yourself wishing for the option of a quick, shameful death.
  • If at all possible, always have a bonsai plant handy to give as an offering. Ninji love bonsai plants, and may even delay your demise by up to thirty seconds.
  • Place your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye. (highly recommended)

In summary: if a ninja is after you, there is nothing you can do about it. Most of the time, you won't even know a ninja is after you until you're standing at the Pearly Gates in disbelief. Don't worry though, ninji don't usually go after random targets. Just in case they decide to, however, don't play "Ninja Gaiden" or "Shinobi" - it just offends them.

edit What to do if a Ninja is BEFORE you

  • Just stand back, and let him go about his daily business. If there's one thing Ninji hate, it's people who jump queues.
  • Try to touch him. If you want to have one less head.
  • DON'T CUT IN LINE. He will let you pass, buy food and then throw a shuriken swiftly into your throat killing you instantly, then take your food without dropping or otherwise spoiling the food.
  • Keep your distance. Unless you want to end your life early.
  • Hope. That he didn't have any napalm this morning, that is.
  • Pray. Well, actually, don't pray, because a ninja is a god.
  • Say "hi" to them. Maybe being too polite would kill you.
  • Spread the gospel of Christ. But they are Taoists, so you'd lose a body for your soul
  • Offer them money. Well, just don't, as they can steal as much money as they want.
  • I, er, um, PONIES. Tell them all about this freaking pony virus, and give them the virus, so they will be a brony (then kill you and say "thanks").
  • Try to eat the ninja. If you can.
  • Push them out of a cliff. It is effective if you ask Raizo to do it for you.
  • Tell them to jump off a cliff. Well, just like before, they are Taoists, so you'd be safe this way... Until they became bronies and avoid jumping off cliffs.
  • Ask Octavia certain things to do when a ninja is BEFORE you. She's a babe, so she probably got away with it by being sexy.
  • Ask Kiro. But he is a ninja, so you're dead ball when you ask him anything.
  • "Give them STDs". The most effective, yet slow. You'd be dead after.
  • Strip naked and start dancing. This would be a lot embarrassing, but it entertains (and distracts) the ninja, so you get a chance to escape.
  • Take a shit. The ninja would wait for you to finish before decapitating you.
  • Give a shit. Very effective to get yourself poisoned with tetanus
  • Join them. But you'll have to suffer a shitload of trainings to to be one.
  • Smite them with a mace. This works well because ninjas can be weak to medieval weapons.
  • Be rude. Don't be sorry! Be assertive! Never apologize, when you can criticize.
  • Ask for 1 minute of complete silence

edit Types

see main article Types of Ninja

edit Laws

see main article Ninja Laws

edit Skills

All.

edit Weapons

It would be useless to list all the weapons of the ninja here, because there are too many, and ninji can be incredibly creative with weapons.

edit See also

As a group which has spanned the last few hundred centuries, much has been written about the secretive ninja. Some additional resources are:

  1. The physical possibility of this is proven by the Uncertainty Principle.

edit External link


   v  d  e
Icons-flag-piPIRATES AND/OR NINJASNinjastar

Pirate StormtroopersCaution NinjaClinjaGreat Pirate-Ninja conflictGuitar NinjaHowTo:Be a PirateHowTo:Create Laser Ninja SharksHowTo:Survive a ninja attackInternational Talk Like A Landlubber DayLong John Silver'sNinjaNinja/Laws Ninja conspiracyNinja GaijinNinja InsuranceNinja ManagementNinja PirateNinja-Pirate Assembly of GodThe One PiratePiratePirate kingPirate Liberation OrganizationPirate NinjaPirate radioPirates versus NinjasPirate-Ninja WarPontius PirateReal Ultimate PowerRobot NinjaSid Meier's Pirates!Talk Like A Pirate DayTMNTTeenage Mutant Ninja TurtlesTortugaUnBooks:Bloopy's Pirate DictionaryUnBooks:Ninja Attack Machine Gun FrostyVikingsVideo PiracyWindows Vista Pirated Edition


Fat man
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Fundamental Stereotypes
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