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“It pays the bills...”
Ninja (zool. cut-throatius ninjutsu-useis head-rippus-offis assassinus Japanensis) (pl. ninji) is the common Japanese term for a group of intentionally badass martial artists with a complete dominion over all things totally sweet who specialize in killing people. They are also known for their leet skills, their total disrespect for authority, their ability to fly, their ability to totally FLIP OUT and cut off people's heads, the ability to retract their testicles for defensive purposes, even when they aren't cold, and burger/pizza/magazine delivery, which they do 24/7, and have also been known to mysteriously show up several hours before the burger/pizza/magazine was even ordered, with your condiments. Real ninji can not be seen. Only pirates, while drunk on rum, can see them. If you can see your killer then obviously he is a masked Assassin, not a ninja. Either that, or you're a rum-intoxicated pirate.
Ninja Natural Habitat
If you're trying to find a ninja, (make sure you have a written will and you've said goodbye to everybody you love, unless you can bribe a ninja or beg him to be your slave) these are the places they're most commonly found. How do I know? Well let's just say I've lost a lot of interns.
- Behind you
- In front of you
- Near you
- Around you
- Under you
- Inside you
- On top of you
- In the shadows of you and your loved ones
- The tree in your backyard
- In your refrigerator
- Adjacent to your car keys
- Wherever Pirates happen to be
- In the underwear you are currently wearing
- At the inside of your drink
- Up your anus
- The Bat Cave
- In the toilet
Training and Skills
Ninji can use any object as a weapon: swords, kantanas, shuriken, Encyclopedia Dramatica, sticks, knives, shuriken, kunai, a banana, a baby, leather pants, a pop can, lengths of rope, wet fishies, rubber duckies, Sam's Club members, your head, key chains, rubber chickens, shuriken, aluminum ladders, folding fans, Dance Dance Revolution, a really sharp pencil, a really dull pencil, pudding, an easter egg, rolled up newspapers, shuriken, bubble gum, ferrets, numbers, kunai, a white James Warl Jones wearing a penis on his head, hp deskjet 970Cse color printers, a trombone, a condom, a used condom, a pair of panties, a travel-size Webster's dictionary, a lamp shade, your mom's bra, 1950's porno flicks, a wiimote, your mom, twinkies, the letter Q (only when capitalized), Billy Mays, a Guitar Hero Guitar, a Pikmin, your arm (or any other body-part/organ he hasn't destroyed) a Poke'ball, this page, Hitler, the computer you are on, Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana Shuriken,an unborn fetus,the alphabet, a Rabbid Rabbit, a rampant rabbit, another ninja, Hotel managers, aggressive kittens, waffles,meat weasels, mutton chops, disembodied limbs, a CRAY II mainframe, boners, tree trunks, chainsaws, pimp canes, ugly neckties, pies, a soup spoon, your face (after they've ripped it off), emotes, kamehameha blasts, the guitar solo from Metallica's Seek and Destroy, the guitar solo from Avenged Sevenfold's Strength of the World, laser vision bears, sharks with frickin' lasers of their frickin' heads, web comics and/or blogs, social lives stolen from people by World of Warcraft, an egg-nut bar, a cereal box (multiple cereal boxes may be used for better results), more shuriken and Axl Rose's voice - pretty much anything except a gun (actually, a ninja could use a gun, but they find throwing the bullets to be more deadly and visually appealing; or they might just kill you by throwing the gun at you). There have even been cases of ninji being able to kill a person with a hamster whilst still keeping the hamster alive to later eat it. In times of stealth, ninji are completely silent (so if you are outside and don't hear anything, a ninja is probably after you). However, a ninja will attack while saying stuff like "Wu-ahh!" "Woa-chau!" "BLLLLLLLL SENGHAAAAAAAA!!!!" or the simple but unpretentious “BBBYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!”, just because this sounds so awesome. Ninji often train with the National Ninja Association, who provide free weapons and live targets (such as pirates). though this is not unnecessary and many ninji tend to hone their badassness alone.
Throughout their training, Ninja Masters always enforce the rule of only attacking in groups of one or two, even if there are many more ready to attack. But, if attacking all at once may lead to them humorously being thrown off by the defender, they must do so at every opportunity. It is believed this rule was created to prevent ninji from totally kicking the world's ass, and running out of opponents, which ninji need to be at all happy. Also, if they ever become Ninja Masters and lead a gang of ninji, they always have to fight last, and be ready to leave long pauses for smoldering stare-downs, short arrogant speeches, long, insanely annoying speeches, and for sudden twanging strings if they are fighting for Asian audiences, or climactic cheesy music for Western audiences, or strangely funky clapping music (Kill Bill), all before a sudden silence where all sword strikes ring out, and then to slip up and let the good guy win. Some ninji argue that this is all really stupid, but they all get killed the second they finish staring down their master, because he may be old, but he can still TAKE IT IN THE ASS!
Ninji are also known for letting people give it to them IN THE FACE and not even think twice about it (as ninji never need to), as well as being able to wail the guitar even better than Eddie Van Halen. In fact, a ninja can do pretty much anything he chooses merely by concentrating on it for a few seconds, so even the arts of macramé and C++ are well known to them. These and similar properties of ninja are collectively known as Real Ultimate Power. The only things ninji are afraid of are shit-scary ghost stories. It is also highly advisable to ask a ninja.
Ninji also use Bo-Staffs. A Bo-Staff is really, in all actuality, just a big, wooden stick that they hit people with. But only ninji can do it right. Many others have tried to use a Bo-Staff, but have failed dismally, eventually getting killed by the ninja they stole said Bo-Staff from, with the Bo-Staff stolen from that very same ninja. There once was a disputed case of a pirate attempting to use a Bo-Staff, but he was immediately killed with a real Bo-Staff, as ninji can never have anyone matching their mighty skills. Ever.
It is not wise to mess with a ninja, as it will result in your head getting cut off(by a Bo-Staff), having your body turned into a shuriken rack, or being choked by your own arm.
Real Ultimate Power can be attained by a ninja in two ways. The most recent way is to basically attain all aspects of the ninja, like flipping out, playing the guitar awesomely, killing people and killing pirates. The first time ninji received Real Ultimate Power was when Elvis gave ninji The One Ring to prevent The Burger King from getting it. Ninji with The Ring learned how to give other ninji the power of Real Ultimate Power because they had The Ring. This is how they got the power, like He-Man.
Ninji tend to feast on your fear, neglect, lack of speed and your decision not to turn around. Their hatred is primarily derived from the existence of pirates and the unholy sight of women smiling. Any woman who gathers means of entertainment not inflicted upon her by a ninja's underrated topical humor and witty antics is punishable by ninja sword, drop-kick to the Manolo Blahnik's, five across the eyes, or the fearsome ninja dutch rub. Although ninji scarcely consume food, they do have a few exceptions.
- Large cats: Although established that eating domestic house cats is quite easily one of the coolest things you can do, ninji prefer the rugged stuff.
- Babies: For breakfast, lunch, dinner, and sometimes brunch, ninji will consume babies of all varieties. They're usually dined on with ketchup and sometimes peanut butter.
- Other Ninji: Ninji, when at the point where the universe's consciousness is no more, will resort to cannibalism. Common sense suggests that this will be the ninja's ultimate downfall, which is why is why it's not very common anymore. This fact is also true for many types of amphibian and most of your local restaurants.
What to do if a ninja is after you
Being masters of stealth, there is usually no way to know if a ninja is following you until you suddenly find a ninja star embedded in your temple, or a sword sticking out of your chest. So therefore the rest of these are pretty useless. Still, on the off chance that you detect a ninja, try the following:
- First, do not panic. Ninji are able to sense panic and will home in on it, just like dogs, bees, or William Shatner.
- Second, don't get bitten. If a ninja bites you, you will become one at every full moon. Actually, that may be a myth, but you still don't want to get bitten, since that's a good way to get an infection, and it will probably hurt a lot.
- Third, ninji are NOT intimidated by pirates!. Dressing up as a pirate in an attempt to intimidate a ninja will have the same effect on your body as a blender does on mince meat. Only pirates should act like pirates (and if the ninji had their way, not even them).
- Do not ask, "Who's there?...", because the answer is always a swift shuriken to the forehead. Incidentally, those non-ninja who are stalking you don't tend to reply with anything useful either.
- Do not pull out a gun and shoot the ninja. That is useless, since ninja are impervious to bullets (they shoot themselves just to cure itches). Even if you were lucky enough to hit the ninja, he would just take the bullet and beat you to death with it.
- Stay still and hope the ninja does not see you. Ninji are very sensitive to movement. Climbing a tree is not recommended, since ninji are very good at climbing.
- Try to pretend you are a samurai. Because ninji are wary of samurai, you could try to pretend you are a samurai, if you happen to have a katana and a complete set of medieval samurai armor handy, and speak fluent feudal-era Japanese.
- Use kung fu. Your best option is to go out there and kung fu fight the ninja. However, ninji invented kung fu (though the Shaolin monks took all the credit) so you don't have a chance in hell. However, you will retain some honor by deciding to fight the ninja. Of course, after the ninja slices off your limbs and beats you with them until you cry like a baby, you may find yourself wishing for the option of a quick, shameful death.
- If at all possible, always have a bonsai plant handy to give as an offering. Ninji love bonsai plants, and may even delay your demise by up to thirty seconds.
- Place your head between your legs and kiss your ass good-bye. (highly recommended)
In summary: if a ninja is after you, there is nothing you can do about it. Most of the time, you won't even know a ninja is after you until you're standing at the Pearly Gates in disbelief. Don't worry though, ninji don't usually go after random targets. Just in case they decide to, however, don't play "Ninja Gaiden" or "Shinobi" - it just offends them.
What to do if a Ninja is BEFORE you
- Just stand back, and let him go about his daily business. If there's one thing Ninji hate, it's people who jump queues.
- Try to touch him. If you want to have one less head.
- DON'T CUT IN LINE. He will let you pass, buy food and then throw a shuriken swiftly into your throat killing you instantly, then take your food without dropping or otherwise spoiling the food.
- Keep your distance. Unless you want to end your life early.
- Hope. That he didn't have any napalm this morning, that is.
- Pray. Well, actually, don't pray, because a ninja is a god.
- Say "hi" to them. Maybe being too polite would kill you.
- Spread the gospel of Christ. But they are Taoists, so you'd lose a body for your soul
- Offer them money. Well, just don't, as they can steal as much money as they want.
- I, er, um, PONIES. Tell them all about this freaking pony virus, and give them the virus, so they will be a brony (then kill you and say "thanks").
- Try to eat the ninja. If you can.
- Push them out of a cliff. It is effective if you ask Raizo to do it for you.
- Tell them to jump off a cliff. Well, just like before, they are Taoists, so you'd be safe this way... Until they became bronies and avoid jumping off cliffs.
- Ask Octavia certain things to do when a ninja is BEFORE you. She's a babe, so she probably got away with it by being sexy.
- Ask Kiro. But he is a ninja, so you're dead ball when you ask him anything.
- "Give them STDs". The most effective, yet slow. You'd be dead after.
- Strip naked and start dancing. This would be a lot embarrassing, but it entertains (and distracts) the ninja, so you get a chance to escape.
- Take a shit. The ninja would wait for you to finish before decapitating you.
- Give a shit. Very effective to get yourself poisoned with tetanus
- Join them. But you'll have to suffer a shitload of trainings to to be one.
- Smite them with a mace. This works well because ninjas can be weak to medieval weapons.
- Be rude. Don't be sorry! Be assertive! Never apologize, when you can criticize.
- Ask for 1 minute of complete silence. Ninji are atleast polite enough to be silent, except they already are. After your minute is up, life is up.
- see main article Types of Ninja
There are too many Ninji to list here, but here are the basics.
Swift ninja- Too quick for a human eye to process
Strong ninja- Can pick up houses with their eyelid
Fat ninja- Too slow for a human eye to process.
Annoying ninja- Makes very loud unnecessary noises, as explained in an earlier section of skills.
- see main article Ninja Laws
It would be useless to list all the weapons of the ninja here, because there are too many, and ninji can be incredibly creative with weapons.
As a group which has spanned the last few hundred centuries, much has been written about the secretive ninja. Some additional resources are: