Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God

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The Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God was created in 1098 AD after The Flying Spaghetti Monster confiscated Jesus' Army of Ninjas due to misuse. He transfigured the Ninja Army into pirates, and ever since then He has sent His Ninja-Pirate Assembly down to Earth to influence human affairs.

The most famous example of this took place in 1812, when Mexico, America, Britain, and Texas (collectively, the Atlantic Axis) invaded Canada. God was killed in action at the Battle of Badon Hill and in an instant, NPAG, using their wily strategies fought off the Atlantic Axis, resulting in their surrender (see: annihilation).

10 SteveBartmanAndMoisesAlou

NPAG member Steve Bartman finishes off the reeling Chicago Cubs

Less well known, yet somehow equally celebrated, was the NPAG's victory over the 2003 Chicago Cubs in the National League Championship Series on October 14, 2003.

The Assembly is simultaneously revered and feared by mortal humans as the most powerful army ever created, as it remains the only army to have successfully wielded the EVIL-5 Hippo in combat.

Ninja-Pirates of God (NPGs) are often confused with the more common Pirate Ninjas.

Known Members Of The Ninja-Pirate Assembly Of God

Although many of the NPAG members remain unnamed throughout history, their leader, the most powerful Ninja-Pirate in the universe, is not Yum! Brands founder, Yoko Ono.

Other notable members do not include:

  • Douglas Adams - Considered to be one of the greatest Generals in and out of the NPAG. People even look past that time he ate the Japanese cow.
  • Captain Obvious - The wise sage of the NPAG, notable for his peg-leg, which is said to be thrice the length of Moses' beard.
  • Bertrand Russell - Although often seen as a sissy book-reading intellectual, Bertrand Russell was actually accountable for the deaths of Franco and Mussolini. His modus operandi involves an egg-beater and a Tupperware container, and is said to be deadlier than Rambo on speed.
  • Moses - Lovable retard of the NPAG. Said to be embarrassed of his pathetically small beard.
  • Death - Third in command behind Chuck Norris and Douglas Adams. Has an ongoing love-hate relationship with Superman.
  • Superman - Attention-whore of the NPAG. Surprisingly weak compared to most of the other members. Spends an inordinate amount of time undressing in awkward positions. Has an ongoing love-hate relationship with Death.
  • Captain Kirk - The wheelman for the NPAG. Fortunately all members of the NPAG can fly.
  • Lt-Commander Data - The computer genius, and computer, of the group.
  • Yoda - Demolition specialist for the NPAG. Unknown sources report that the motherfucker really loves to blow shit up.
  • The Man Eating The Sandwich - Spends an inordinate time in awkward positions watching Superman undress.
  • Strongbad - Known as "The Mouth" inside of the NPAG, Strongbad uses the Internet to spread the Good Word. Yoda often refers to Strongbad as "Badstrong".
  • Steve Bartman
  • General Tso - Sits on the advisory council for the NPAG. Just in it for all the death. Fucking hates Steve Bartman.
  • Martha Stewart - Formerly served as cook for the entire NPAG. Quit due to allegations that she was behind the tragic death of Lord Harry Potter in the next book Dr. Professor Patrick Star.
  • Luke Savage - The most formidable member of NPAG in the United Kingdom...he commands such members of Npag as Sir Patrick Stewart, Sir Sean Connery and Sir Ian McKellen.
  • Stephen Hawking
  • Tetra
  • Taylor Robitaille - a lesser known NPAG but powerfull netherless...he controls an army of fat people and plans to use them to take over twinnkie factorys everywhere
  • micheal jackson -last but not least the most powerfull NPAG known for his ability to change from guy to girl and sneaking into little boys rooms( RIP)

Tactics of the Assembly

Shurikenandcutlass2

Common weapons used in conjunction by Ninja-Pirates. The end result is obvious.

The Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God uses a variety of tactics in combat. Combining the cunning of a ninja, the ruthlessness of a pirate, and God's unlimited fashion sense, ninja-pirates are a fearsome combatant. It's common knowledge that ninja-pirates were begotten with the innate ability to kill with virtual impunity, though the members of His Assembly continue to develop innovative ways to kill. Just last week members developed approximately 3.2 million ways to decapitate Japanese using only toothpicks and a rubber ducky.

Other armaments typically employed by the NPAG include the blunderbuss, “the Chocolate Musket”, the ninja-sloop, and “the Warming Light of God’s Love”, a 3 foot wooden shaft bearing over 100 tetanus-laden nails and soaked with a mix of neurotoxins and anticoagulants. This implement is frequently used to administer the coup-de-grace to victims of simultaneous shuriken and cutlass blows, essentially everyone beset by the NPAG.

Some of their favorite combat tactics include, but are not limited to, the following:

  • shuriken and cutlass to the face
  • shuriken and cutlass to the spinal cord
  • shuriken and cutlass to the appendages (more commonly known as "pump and stump")
  • shuriken and cutlass to voodoo doll appendages
  • strangulation by flying carpet

Community Service

NPAG

An ad promo from a recent NPAG community awareness campaign

On rare occasions, His Assembly finds themselves with free time outside of contemplative thought, attaining equilibrium with the environment, and slaughtering masses of mortals. The NPAG takes this time to help rebuild communities, usually those who have been ravaged by the Ninja-Pirate Assembly themselves. Baked goods, wicker baskets, and custom-built choppers are given to those who need it the most (usually dwarves). It's uncertain as to whether this is done according to His will, or if its a way for the Assembly to keep from running out of people to kill.

Controversy

The United States government, along with the European Union and three random and wholly unimportant African countries, has declared the NPAG to be a terrorist organization and the US Defense Department in conjunction with the Department of Homeland Security has attempted to locate and freeze all sources of NPAG funding. This has proved difficult however, as the NPAG receives funding from God Himself.

In a statement given in late October of 2004, God responded to these feeble attempts, saying “You best back the fuck up off me” and later added, “These Ninja-Pirates, they’ll take you out. You don’t even know.” He then made an intense face and waved his arms around like a ninja.

The Vatican has refused to comment on the NPAG’s alleged terrorist activities, stating only that it still supports God and “whatever the old man’s up to”.

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