Nike Revolution of 2006

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Map of Post-Nike Revolution United States

For before the Nike Revolution, see Before Nike Revolution.

The Nike Revolution of 2006 began on May 18, 2006 and ended on October 4, 2006 in the United States. During the revolution, many states changed names, split up, or grouped together, resulting in the drop from the original fifty states to 43, and the adoption of many other states from different lands.

History

Pre-revolution

On May 18, 2006, South Carolina senator Paula Zahn (D) expressed that she wanted her state to secede from the United States, much like it tried to during the Civil War. The Senate voted on it five days later and the idea failed 29 to 498 (28 of the passers were from South Carolina and one was from North Carolina.) Many South Carolinians were furious that the law didn't pass, so on May 21, 349,293 people sawed away at the border. After 96 hours of sawing, South Carolina began drifting 502.4 miles away into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. The residents decided that being their own country wasn't so cool any more. South Carolina still is a state to this day and has no intention of becoming its own country.

While South Carolina started to drift away, George W. Bush ordered a nukular bomb to be dropped over South Carolina. The plane that carried the bomb, the Enola Straight, was piloted by Bush's father, George H. W. Bush. The elder Bush followed his son's directions, which he printed out from MapQuest, but it turned out the younger Bush had mistyped the ZIP code (39901 for Atlanta, Georgia instead of 29901 for Beaufort, South Carolina). The bomb was dropped over Atlanta, spewing 43,525,371,255 tons of radiation over Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, and Mississippi. More than 20 million people died from the radiation and the four states were combined to create the Kenalagiaippi Disputed Nuclear Zone.

A naming controversy over the zone began over the fact that people from Kentucky were angered over the apparent obliteration of their state (note Kenalagiaippi as opposed to Tennalagiaippi) as well as the fact that no one has or is actually disputing over the zone. The name passed in the Senate due to Senator Ted Stevens being the only person in the Senate during its recess because of lunchtime detention. As of today, only one person (Eric Flood), three ducks, and 39 chickens live in the zone.

Nikerevpresscon

South Carolina Senator Paula Zahn and President George W. Bush staring at something during the Nike press conference

The revolution begins

George W. Bush spoke at a press conference about the bombing. He didn't acknowledge his mistake, but rather demanded that there be a lesser number of states so that a mistake like this cannot happen again. He stated that any state that wants a name or border change could automatically get one without it having to go through Congress first.

Wisconsin was the first to propose a name change. At Lambeau Field in Green Bay, a campaign by hundreds of thousands of cheese-heads was started to get the name of Wisconsin changed to something cheesy. The citizens finally agreed on Cheeselen. The proposal was brought to Bush, and he agreed, saying: "I've been calling that state Cheeselen for decades." He also renamed the state of Idaho "Potato" without their permission. The citizens of Potato were satisfied anyway, because they were sick of the "I da ho? No, you da ho!" jokes they heard daily from out-of-staters. Bush, feeling that he was on a naming spree, decided to rename Delaware "Unaware" as well, due to the fact that they were completely oblivious to the ongoing revolution and, for twenty years afterwards, their new state name.

Influenced by Potato's spiting out of staters, Alaska split into five, with the new states being called Fuckyoua, New Saskatchewan, Soviet Moose, Oil, and Old Alaska. This was due to the rock music group Texans with Big Egos's state anthem entitled "Texas is the Biggest State." Now Texas was the third biggest, with Old Alaska being the first and Fuckyoua being the second. Al Gore still disputes these statistics.

Massachusetts, horrified by the fact that New Saskatchewan had beaten them for "longest state name", changed its name to New Massachusettstan.

Still, the spiting of out of staters continued, with Arkansas changing its names to Arkcansaw to stop out of staters from pronouncing its name "Ar-kan-sis". Illinois followed suit with Illannoy and though they said it was to prevent out-of-staters from pronouncing their name "Ill-a-noise", it was really just a result peer pressure. However, Utah took the opposite approach and made their state name even more awkward by renaming it "Utaj".

On June 15, Michigan split into two, with the northern half joining Cheeselen and the southern half becoming the independent dictatorship of New Michigan. "We may only have 39,000 people living here, but Michigan doesn't give a crap about us anyway!" The nation's capital is Negaunee.

That same day, Indiana and Pennsylvania switched names, and, much like why a duck's quack doesn't echo, no one still knows why.

At the same time, Arizona declared independence and chose its first king.

Ten days later, on June 25, Mexican researchers found that New Mexico was illegally annexed from Mexico during the U.S.-Mexican War and so Congress gave it back. It did a similar thing in the next bill to pass, which officially gave Oklahoma back to the Indians. However, only the white people in the state knew about the new law, and in a failed grasp for further political power, threw the new nation into total anarchy.

Five days later, on June 30, Hawaii declared independence and became a kingdom once again. The news of which was broadcast through Hula dancing because every movement tells a story.

The revolution gets out of hand

On July 1, Virginia took over Maryland and renamed the state East Virginia. They also tried to conquer Ohio (which was in the process of changing to Ohelloo) and North Carolina, but failed.

On July 2, Bush combined North Dakota and South Dakota into Dakota. "They look the same and I always get confused," he was heard saying. The 17 residents could not be reached for comment.

Sanriot

The San Seattle Riot

Two days later, California, Oregon, and Washington grouped up to form Calorington to protest what they said is Bush's "unfair and unethical grouping of states without their permission." The three states voted against Bush in the 2004 election. Their new state motto was understandably changed to "The second-most liberal state in America" (New Massachusettstan still holds first place). Bush locked their 55 electoral votes so they could never receive more, resulting in the San Seattle Riot on July 6 which killed 65 Caloringtonians.

The revolution seemed to be drawing to a close until New Hampshire changed its name to Hampshire due to the sudden influx of migrating senior citizens. On September 3, Maine followed suit and changed its name to Mayne to please its rapidly growing Latino population.

The revolution ends

The last event that happened was on October 4, 2006 when Colorado and Wyoming changed their shared border to avoid confusion as the states looked almost identical. Colorado gained 300 square miles of Wyoming's land. This sparked protest from Wyomingians, and was later resolved when Wyoming was given the Colorado cities of Denver and Colorado Springs, which was renamed Wyoming Springs. Colorado, feeling it was on a roll, annexed part of Nebraska, much to the dismay of the cows living there.

On that same day, Mother Earth took part in the revolution by sinking all of New York, except for New York City which was already part of New Jersey, what Hurricane Katrina left of Louisiana, all of North Carolina's mountains and most of Florida—leaving only an island now known as Wikiland. The reason is unknown, although it was most likely out of spite for oil-drilling and greenhouse gasses.

In a last-ditch effort to make it into the news, Texas split into three states. Taking advantage of the lack of a rectangular state, the top third of Texas was creatively titled, "Box". The second third remained Texas and the bottom third became Dubyaland to "honor the great and glorious leader of the revolution".

President Bush, frightened by the rapid decrease of the number of states and the area occupied by the U.S., signed an Executive Order that changed Iraq into New Louisiana, effectively stopping the revolution as no state wanted to become New Iraq.

Controversy

During the first week of the revolution, it was nicknamed "The Nike Revolution," because everybody in South Carolina is mandated to wear Nike shoes. The president of Nike, Phil Knight, sued the United States because "[The] brand is going to be associated with a very, very bad thing!" Bush, who wears Adidas, laughed the case out of court.

The Pepsi company is currently in the process of purchasing the rights to rename the revolution in their honour and Sony Pictures is currently attempting to purchase the movie rights and cast Tom Cruise in another boring role.

Place in history

The revolution, the first to be widely televised, permanently changed the United States and heavily contributed to Bush losing to Saddam Hussein (R-NL) in the election of 2008.

Locations

The following are the states and nations that were present immediately after the Nike Revolution. Italicized locations are ones that were renamed or changed in the process of the revolution (with their original states in parenthesis). Bolded locations are just showing off.

The 43 States

Bordering Nations

Sunken States

The following states were engulfed in the Atlantic Ocean as a result of Mother Nature's spite:

  • Florida (most)
  • Louisiana (all)
  • New York (all)
  • North Carolina (some)

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The Great Revolutions

American Revolution - Dance Dance Revolution - French Revolution - Industrial Revolution - Nike Revolution - Russian Revolution - The Great Elephant Revolt of 2011

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