Nightwish
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“This is FIINLAAAAÄÄAÄNDDD!!!!”
~ Finland on Nightwish
“They think they´re prettier than us - Bitches!”
~ HIM on Nightwish
“Up The FUCKING IRONS!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Nightwish
“Oh crap! The Rightful masters of the universe have broken free of their bonds and will now take over!”
~ God on Nightwish
“I used to like them...when I got high.”
~ Santa Claus on Nightwish
“Oh I can sing sooooo much better - and I'm hotter too....waaaaayyy hotter ask the fangirls....cunts!!!! Well except the keyboardist though???? OMG!!!!A HEART!!!!”
~ Ville Valo on Nightwish
“A moonwitch took me to a ride on a broomstick...”
~ Tarja on The night of ecstacy in which she spawned Jukka
“ Damn it, now everybody knows where we...whats the word...um i think its originated...yeah...let me start all over.. Damn it now everybody knows where we originated from. No thats not it.....well piont is now everybody knows we copied them,damn it!!”
~ Amy Lee on Nightwish
Nightwish is a five piece "Opera with rocks in it" group formed by a lusty wench and her four lovers, on the path of metal submission and taking over the world. It is universally acknowledged that they are the most bizarre band ever. Its sole goal is to convert decent classical-music listening people to the evil ways of Satan-worshipping. Nightwish pretends to be a Christian Hard-Metal band, but in reality their music consist mostly of Black Metal and Extreme Doom metal. But who are we to judge them? Goths are people too. Just to add, Nightwish's great melodical musical style is non-other than the influence of the great Vampire Vivian Demetriou (the great idol of other bands such as Cradle Of Filth, Within Temptation, Anathema,...). After the departure of Tarja Turunen, the band found another European stripper/godess/pastry chef, Anette Olzon and renamed the band as Nightbitch.
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Beginnings
Nightwish began as its founding members, Tuomas,Emppu and Tarja found themselves with nothing to do in the Karelian forests. Tuomas, who by then was completely wankered, suggested that it would be a very good idea to form a band, since he was well schooled in both playing the clarinet and saxophone, Tarja practiced wolf-howling in the woods on daily basis and Emppu was quite pretty and would attract fan girls. They also asked Jukka, a notorious master of the ukulele and he agreed, since he was also very drunk, and really had nothing better to do with his life. Thus, Nightwish was born.
Now came the epic task of finding a name: at first they entertained "Sonata Arctica" (already taken, at the time), but soon moved on to the idea that it would be more fitting if they went for "pretty" rather than "cool" to be more true to the band. No one knows how the idea of taking two pretty words and sticking them together was established, but there has been much speculation on why those two words were chosen. Some say that Tuomas had recently become a vampire and chose "night" because he didn't turn to dust in the night and really quite liked it. Emppu, then aged 457 years (a young whipper-snapper among elves) had recently completed his work experience, working with fairies to grand the wishes of good children, so may have had some baring on the choice of "wish". After a successful album,they were joined by an ectoplasm named Sami the bassist, who used to loom on the stage.He disappeared three years later, when Marco the viking took his place.
The band's musical adventure began with the four setting up their guitars, while the classically-formed lusty wench took her beauty nap on the sofa of the one room apartment where they all lived together, due to increasing lodging costs in the north. Legend has it that, when the spring leaf player and leader of the band Tommy Hilfiger, after meticulously tuning his instrument, plunged into the first piece with the words "Now sing!", the leading lady, astonished by the sudden noise, awoke from her slumber and, still confused, started raving on her "Lucia di Lamermoor." The song was one she had picked up in art school and used to sing in the shower, in pubs for beer or whenever she found herself in a tight spot. That's how a unique style of music was born, a style that has since been tackled by bands such as the Dutch copycats Within Temptation and Epica, the more Satanic and Swedish Therion, Symphony X, Tiamat and the Red Army Men's Choir.
[edit] Fame
After a few years of minor hits, the band made it to worldwide fame when they met the Fishmaster, who presently became their manager. He is the one that refined the music of the band, introducing for the first time the concept of major chords, string tuning and transparency within the band. Their new appearance with tuned instruments, happy music and their lead lady in see through dresses astonished fans who until then had confused PartWish with Sonata Arctica. As a consequence, the group has been declared the greatest gang since The Three Stooges, The Pluck Uglies, The Chichesters and The Forty Thieves (see Gangs of New York). On their road to success they also met "The Carpenter" who was the father of "The Kinslayer", who led them to "The Siren", which sounded and attracted the attention of "The Wayfarer", but they first stopped by "The Riddler" to ask for directions.
Nightwish are mostly known for their song Nymphomaniac Fantasia - or should we say that someone ripped out a page from Tommy's diary without him knowing about it, imagine his surprise later, as well as surprise of the leading vocal, when it would become obviously clear how she got the job...Tommy re-wrote the "oh la la" parts, and today we basically get a story in which a woman finds out her man was cheating on her and she lets herself go just to show him what he missed. Although the band denies any biographical connection to the song, the lead singer still smiles when she remembers about it.
[edit] The fall
The band's truth: After providing entertainment to all members of the group, Tarja Tournun had become increasingly displeased with the lack of variation. After seeing cult latin series, like "La Usurpadora" and "Maria Jezebel", it appeared to her that a Latin male, more skilled with his instrument would be able to provide her with the heat she could never find in Finland. So she went out looking for one. His name, who will be largely lost to posterity is either Julio or Iglesias, as these thing go, but may just as well be Manuel (skilled hand) or Juan. We'll have to get back to you on that (hope we'll not forget about it). The latin lover, that she met while he was trying to mug an old lady, shortly managed to convince her she was the only one who mattered in the group and that, without her, the band will kill themselves (or maybe even start masturbating). He actually convinced her that she could be great without the band, which was merely dragging her down and wasn't worth the effort and the oral skills she put into it (her moaning vocal performances will long be remembered and will stand as reference to any future female performer of Nightwish). Truly, he convinced the tour nun that her voice was so pretty that, in order for her to be a star, she didn't need anything else (apart from a Bruce Dickenson style fringe of course) in fact, not even to sing. Based on a widly spread latin philosophical concept, that work is bad for the health.
Tarja's truth:
After many years of useless wanking and daydreaming and vanilla making-out, Tuomas Holopainen realized that his vocalist would have never become his Dominatrix. That was sad, but bearable. But soon enough he found out she had become a Submissive for an ugly Argentinian. That was the last straw, and he dumped her.
The actual truth:
everyone was an ass.
[edit] Future?
Meanwhile the band have organised try-outs for a new female lead singer. These tryouts are commonly known as "Nightwish Idol". Apparently, none was good enough this far. Bob Downey, an indepent enquirer has been stalking the band's premises, inconspicuously dressed as a polar bear and has interviewed the young girls as they came out from auditions, tired, perspiring and walking unsteadily. "It was a complete surprise," one of them, who introduced herself as Christina Aguilera, said. "Apparently you also need to sing. However, I think they liked the way I handled the microphone." Tommy Hilfiger had a different story. "She was a good candidate, but she kept trying to swallow the microphone" he explains about the grounds for her dissmissal. "Plus, she couldn't front the whole band. She started faking after the guitar player came in". Another sort of misunderstandings also contributed to the confusion: "I don't understand why I have to try out all these positions" another young lady, who disclosed the name of Shakira said, "since I'm only called to fill out this one position." "Being a lead singer in the band involves many positions and not just one," Morcas explains. "It keeps the juices flowing."
Prerequisites for potential candidates are 1,70 m, big breasts (for lung capacity, you understand), thin waist (more food for the rest of the band) and long legs (for waving to the fans), and a fake-ass face reminiscent of the former leader.
As the band keep looking, contenders for the position include names like Brothany Speared, Cesaria Evora and Aretha Franklin. Michael Jackson is also expected to apply.
Mothers in Finland are advised not to let their daughters loose these days (the mother of Michael Jackson, too). The writer would advise them of the exact opposite - to let their daughters perform, as independent women should, but what's that to me, since I'm not in Finland anyway?
It has also been suggested that Nightwish are moving towards a new band name. Said Tuomas: "I've always had a bit of a fetish for washing clothes. How about 'Nightwash?'" This is, it must be recognised, totally fucking stupid, and is an extract from an interview given by Tuomas when he was in the act of transforming into Johnny Depp, subsequently making him quite depressed and delusional. However for all fans of washing clothes in the stream by moonlight, there is hope: "I stand by what I said", Tuomas later explained. "I might have been high on prescription drugs, with my face changing into that of Hollywood's finest, and penis shriveling into a dried date, but I still find myself out there in the Finnish hills, washing my purple jeans in the clear waters." Recent analysis of this interview has showed conclusively that Tuomas is a dick.
[edit] Song meanings
Every single Nightwish song is about sex, although Nightwish is very good at encrypting these perverted undertones. This is most likely caused by Tuomas "Tommy" Hilfiger's weak grasp of the English language that he learned from watching pornos and Tim Burton movies. Another reason is that lyrics are written when pissed off drunk. Since Finnish is a dead language, even in Finland (where Swedish is far more common), there is no point in having lyrics in Tuomas's native language.
An example of Nightwish's lyrics are the song Wish I Had Angel Dust.
Although most fans agree that the true meaning of this song is about wanting someone pure to love, like an "angel" or a "Virgin Mary," there have been other theories by fans as to what exactly the lyrics mean. Probably the most thought provoking one is the theory that it's about wanting to do drugs and die of an overdose. The lines that brought up this interpretation are....
"I`m in love with my lust Burning angelwings to dust I wish I had your angel tonight"
"Angel" and "dust" are used in the same line, which could be a reference to the drug, angel dust. Plus, a cigarette or joint is usually dipped into liquid PCP and then smoked. The line "burning angel wings to dust" may refer to burning an angel dust laced cigarette or joint and smoking it. Further more, the word "lust" is used which may be a reference to angel lust, something that may follow if one is to overdose on PCP. It's interesting that angel lust is something only males can get and this is one of the few Nightwish songs that has a male singing.
"Deep into a dying day I took a step outside an innocent heart Prepare to hate me fall when I may This night will hurt you like never before"
This has been interpreted as a person who decides to step away from innocence, knowing they will fall in a "dying" day and possibly be hated by their friends, as drug addicts usually are. The last line especially shows that.
This theory is, at best, a long shot. However, it's interesting to note that some of these lines seem to have nothing to do with "wanting an angel" and there seems to be more focus on death and morbid happiness rather than love in the typical sense. Even the skeptic fans think twice about the "burning angel wings to dust" line.
Other, more odd meanings have been deciphered, such as the band's interest in beastiality, toxicology, flowers, vore, insomnia, and amnesia.
Only so many times I can say I long for you The lily among the thorns The prey among the wolves (ad lib) Someday, I will feed a snake Drink her venom, stay awake With time all pain will fade Through your memory I will wade
This contradics itself in many ways, since lilies do not have thorns, wolves only eat people in fairy tales, there is actually no pause or ad lib in the song (it just goes right to the next verse), and thinking that other people's memories are something that can be waded through, like water, crowds, or mercury. Also, notice the subliminal use of the words "Long" and "Snake". Such sexual imagery can not be ignored. Those perverted bastards..
These self contradictions are most likely effects of the aformentioned PCP, but could also be allusions to the bible or politics.
Here is another interesting piece:
Would you do it with me? Heal the scars and change the stars Would you do it for me? Turn lose the heaven within
A clear suggestion for sex can be seen in the first verse. The second one is the same, but more hidden. The third verse is a request for self-satisfaction. I'm too ashamed to continue analyzing this part.
Come out, come out wherever you are So lost in your sea Give in, give in for my touch For my taste, for my lust
The first verse is a request to stop the sexual intercourse. The meaning of the rest verses is breathtakingly obvious.
The band also tends to make crap up. For example:
It's the honesty of these worlds, ruled by magic and mighty swerds
Exactly what the dookie is a swerds? When asked, Tarja Turajarururen responded: "Umm...y'know...swerds."
Their song ElvenWhat? is what caused the downfall of Home Gnome Enterprises.
IN the new album Dark Pussy plays, Nightwish has decided to more brutal. For example the song Amaranaranaranth:
Caress the one, the Never-Fading
Rain in your heart - the tears of snow-white sorrow
Here does the new sadistic singer Anette sing about caressing a womans boobs inside of her chest. And that blood is dripping on your heart and while she does this Snow white cries out of pain.
Another song in Dark Pussy Play, Masturbation Greed, makes a reference to BDSM.
Seek her Seduce her Tame her Blame her Have her Kill her
Here is a verse from Ghost Love Whore with highly suspect lyrics.
My love will be in you You were the one to cut me So I'll bleed forever
Clearly here Tuomas is talking about sticking his wang into a woman in the first line. Then with the second, he speaks of being cut by her. And in the third, he apparently has a problem with his blood not clotting so he cannot stop bleeding. No wonder why hes a ghost.
And finally, Nymphomaniac Fantasia completely crushes any delusions that Nightwish songs were ever about "innocence". Avert your eyes children!
Welcome home darling Did you miss me? Wish to dwell in dear love? Touch my milklike skin Feel the ocean Lick my deepest Hear the starry choir Rip off this lace That keeps me imprisoned But beware of the enchantment For my eroticism is oblivion Old love lies deep you said Deeper shall be the wound between your legs
It is unclear whether this last line is a reference to a vagina or whether Tuomas is planning to cut some poor guy's penis off. Either way, he is a dirty bastard. Also please note the combination of the word "Nymphomania" with "Fantasia", the title of a Disney movie. This soon becomes obvious as being a very cryptic fan-fiction concerning Mickey Mouse and the sorcerer. We knew you liked Disney Tuomas, but ooh you sly dog. In Tuomas' interpretation of the story, Mickey welcomes the sorcerer home and attempts to distract him from the ferocious bucket-wielding broomsticks by having sex with him. This is covered in quite explicit detail. The sorcerer then realises what has happened and threatens to cut Mickey's wang off. The fan-fiction is left on a cliff-hanger and unfortunately we shall never know what happened to Mickey and his genitals.
[edit] Current band line-up:
- Nettan - cuddly Swedish mom, part pirate, part woodland creature (chipmunk maybe. Definately something that eats nuts). She enjoys digging burrows in her spare time and knitting socks for the band and fans.
- Tuomas Depp- child of time travelling pirates Johnny Depp and current Nightwish singer. Skilled in writing songs and lyrics. Is currently embarking on an epic poetic journey with William Blake's ghost to regain his innocence. Claims to have lost it. Reward offered.
- Marco Hietala - bassist and viking. He was frozen in glacier ice for nearly 1500 years before global warming thawed him out, unleashing him on the modern world. He enjoys his new world very much, since the invention of electricity allows him to actually plug in his instrument, but deeply misses burning whole villages to the ground and invading Britain.
- Empuu Baggins - Entirely a construct of JRR Tolkien's imagination, he was the product of a sordid affair between Frodo and the Lady Galadriel when the Fellowship made a pitstop during their quest to destroy the One Ring. Standing at just 3"9 Empuu is the shortest guitarist of the heavy metal scene. A skilled player of the nintendo, he is one of the co-founders of the band because he was the only nintendoist present when Tuomas thought it would be a pretty good idea. Blonde and cuddly. And quite funny too.
- Jukka Neverlaiden - The bastard child of a pirate and a ninja, Jukka likes to bang things with sticks. Has been recently recognised by the Guinness Book of World Records for going four years without ever taking his bandana off.
- Ewo FooKing-King - dictator bartender of band, a Finnish mountain troll. Uses his awesome stature (he is reportedly over fourteen feet tall) to make the band do his bidding. Once got the band nintendoist stuck in the tread of his boots and only noticed when the band turned up on stage missing a member.
[edit] Former members:
- Tarja "Danger" Tournun - Former band 'bitch'. Has now taken up a career in singing and lives on the planet of Mongo, of Flash Gordon fame. Her first solo album "It's Tarja, bitch!" became an number one hit in Usbekestiania, Svononkovian and South America.
- Slummy Wanker - A wanker.
[edit] Discography:
[edit] Angels have Thirst
- Elvenbath
- Nightrest
- Beauty and Her Breast
- The Pretender
- Nymphomaniac Extasia
- Passion from the Opera (also known as Lucia Di Lamermoor)
- The Pharaoh sails on the Siren
[edit] Sleeping Bum (Four Ballads of the Apocalypse)
Released as a split single with guest songs by black metal bands because Toumas had Writer's Block and couldn't think of any more songs to write. Although the single contains only 3 songs and only Sodomizing Jesus Christ is a ballad.
- Sleeping Bum (Four Ballads of the Apocalypse)
- Sodomizing Jesus Christ by Nuclear Slayer
- Set the Controls For the Heart of The Sun (evil version) by Chaotic Sanity
[edit] Oceanporn
- Starfazers
- Gothic Sanctuary
- Getsemen
- Desacrament of Wilderness
- Swinehumpers (autobiographical)
- Fashion and the Opera (Opposites, eh?)
- Moon Belly dance (It's a wonderful night for a)
- Nevil & the Peep from Park Poison
- The Pharaoh humps Hitler
- The Fiddler
[edit] Fishmaster
- She is my Min Ling Ching (written for the Chinese President of the times)
- The Finnslayer (written for the lead singer of H.I.M.)
- Cum Covers Me
- Ooh, the Lust
- Ooh, the Agony
- Fishmaster [1]
- Will Grace Sodomy
- Gownless
- Completely Silent Creep
- Dead Boy's Glowing
- Fantastamicicially Fantasian Moonlight
- Sleepstalker
[edit] All on the Pills and Far Away
- All on the Pills and Far Away
- Man's Teeth Down
- (Blow) Away
- Asphalt Romance (2001)
[edit] Sodomy Ride
- Dress the Child
- End of all Dope ([2])
- Death to the World!
- Beaver Cream
- Playing with the Dreamer
- Forever Whores
- Ocean Foul
- Kneel for You
- The Tampon Of The Opera (soundtrack reject)
- The Tampon Goes to Disneyland - part 2 (another rejected soundtrack)
- The Tampon vs. Minnie Mouse (featuring Mickey Mouse)
- Beauty of the Breast
- Long lost tit
- One more breast to suck
- Christ, a nipple!
- Baboon
[edit] Wish I Had A Penis
- Wish I Had A Penis
- Goth Love Whore
- Where Were You Last Night
- Wish I had a Penis (drum computer solo version)
[edit] Twice
- Dark Chest Of Fondles
- Wish I Had a Facial
- Emo (often referred to as 'Homo')
- Plant Hell
- Kick Mary's Butt
- The Siren Does Dallas
- Dead Gardners
- Roman Suicide [3]
- Ghost Loves Whore
- Kalma Ends By Kuvataiteilija
- Higher on Dope
[edit] Dark Pussy Play
- The Poet and His Pendulum
- Bye Bye Bootyful
- Amaranaranaranth
- Creaking of her Lost Breast
- Masturbation Greed
- SuckHarder
- Whoever's Pussy's Tight
- For The Hard-ons I Once Had
- The Eye-Liner
- Last of the Genitals
- 7 Days to the Whores
- Meadows of Hallucinogens
[edit] Double Penetration Porn Bonus Tracks
- While Your Eyes Are Still Red (about making the best out of being high) also know by the band as "While Your Hips Are Still Spread"
- The Rapist
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