The yellow crystalline form of nitrotoluene triglyceride is commonly called nicotine. This chemical is an oxidizer, ambisextrous, psychoactive, and likes to date sailors.
Nicotine is a very valuable substance for the human body. It is usually inserted through inhalation of cigarettes. The main effect of nicotine is that it alters our brain in a way that we can do things quicker, better and more efficient. There are a large number of side-effects, such as having a bigger lung capacity, looking cool, and joining Hamas.
Research has concluded that the optimal number of cigarettes to smoke lies around 25 cigarettes (one big pack) each day. A smaller amount of cigarettes will dramatically decrease body performance. However, a larger amount of cigarettes will cause a small increase in body performance. It is also used in certain drinks from Sonic Drive-In's to keep people coming back for more.
There is a small group of people that does not recognize the benefits of using nicotine. They do not use any nicotine themselves, usually because they think it is a sin to any or another god in some way. These people call themselves 'nonsmokers'. Some of the more fundamental members of this group want to ban the use of nicotine.
Sir Walter-Raleigh-Big-Eagles-Duncan-Eddie-scott-Brownigans, (a Heyhowayah Indian who lived 30,000,000 years ago during an ice age fighting lava men), discovered the ambisextrous properties of nicotine one summer while burning the corpse of his grandmother in a pile of weeds. As he breathed the smoke from the burning weeds his brain began to expand and contract rhythmically; his lungs crawled up his windpipe, out his nose, and had a look around; and his eyeballs began to rotate at 300 rpm. This was the First Cigarette Break. And the Lord looked upon it and saw that it was good, so he gave it to his chosen people the Native Americans.
Later Sir Walter Raleigh (no relation) took a hovercraft from Poncy-upon-Knickers, England, to Pus Hollow West Virginia and noticed the happy natives in the New World toking up on "tobacco". Sir Walter was already bored with laudanum, cognac, hashish, vin ordinaire, cheap tarts, nitrous oxide, and penile and breast implants...and so he gave this strange weed a try.
He never looked back.
And only 54 years later he was dead, killed by a penknife in the back. Rosemary, on the gallows, didn't even blink; the hanging judge was sober and hadn't had a cigarette all day. Sir Phillip Morris was in the docket, charged with peddling life-destroying lung-clogging tar to the Jack of Hearts.
Nicotine had formally and frontally made the world scene.
Nicotine is considered an industrial wonder drug (Eine industrielle Wunderdroge mit Glocken an). It induces a level of major hot-damn coolness in it's users -- a condition known as impending death to humans with a sanity quotient larger than that of a Viagra-crazed ostrich. Everyone who uses nicotine becomes the metabolic equivalent to a low-grade Superman (Ein Supermann mit bitte Diarrhöe, ja, yes, Wunderbar!).Ingesting nicotine induces permanent euphoria because the triglyceride portion inflames the amygdala while the toluene blasts through the kidneys like a Freightliner through the Holland Tunnel. The user's heart begins to race, his palms sweat, toadstools sprout in his armpits, and if he is a woman she begins to believe that Matthew McConaughey is in love with her. (If she is a man, he starts to believe Matthew McConaughey is in love with Joan Rivers poodle.)
Nicotine is not addictive at all, but the soot, tar, carbon-14, volcanic ash, and pseudo-organic goo deposited in the lungs are, on the other hand, highly addictive indeed.
Scientists have long known that eighty to ninety percent of schizophrenics smoke cigarettes, but until recently did not know why. In 2016 a team of medical researchers led by the world's leading expert on self medication, Dr. Feelgood, discovered that nicotine normalizes genetically induced abnormalities in brain activity associated with schizophrenia, bipolar, and ADHD, by getting neurons to fire more frequently in the prefrontal cortex. Naturally these new findings will be added as an addendum to the surgeon generals warning printed on every box of cigarettes, and mental health medical insurance will now cover the daily costs of Marlboros. [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
Legal, Moral, and Theological ImpliciationsEdit
As mentioned in Section 1, Sir Phillip Morris has been in court since 1678 defending his company's right to peddle personal air pollution kits to wanna-be Supermen and Suprawomen. The legal foundation for his actions are simple: while he could just sell 'em vials of nicotine and let 'em inject the hot stuff right into their brains, he prefers to sell the chemical packaged as "tobacco" -- a mixture of decayed tree bark, dog dirt, various weeds, and a small proportion of Nicotiana tabacum. It is of course the industrial sludge produced by burning this noxious mixture that so enhances the Cool-Way-COOL factor of people like SuperBob, pictured above.
The moral side of the question hinges on whether anyone should be allowed to be born, since the inevitable consequence is that they will die. Birth causes death -- the moral logic is inescapable. So WTF...why not smoke? Your fate is already sealed; you are going to die. Hell, for that matter, why not take a Porsche out for a test drive, hit 230 kph (130 mph) and drive off a cliff? What a thrill, and you're going to die anyway.
Frankly, we don't know why we're writing this. We're all going to die.
Unless, of course, Lord Jesus scoops us off to Heaven. But does He take smokers? That's the big question.
The problem is physical. Heaven is in the clouds. Particulate matter -- like smoke -- serves as nucleii for rain. So: would the smoke of a fag-smokin' angel in Heaven cause the clouds to condense into raindrops and go whizzing down to Earth?
Would smoking destroy Heaven?