Nicole Scherzinger

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Nicolecoat

Nicole Scherzinger: a fan of wearing PVC coats indoors.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Nicole Scherzinger.
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; Nicole makes you feel inadequate wherever she goes.”
“She was so hot, I got too distracted to make her a balloon donkey.”
~ John Wayne Gacy on Nicole Scherzinger

Nicole Scherzinger (born Nicole Schwarzenegger) AKA "Nicole Shirtswinger", is a former singer of the Pussycat Dolls and is currently a solo artist, *insert talent show* judge and bodybuilder. She is known for her dazzling good looks, which she owes in part to bathing in a bathtub filled with the tears of talent show contestants. She is the poster child of stem-cell rejuvenation and snake charming (wink,wink). She is the only known possessor of the fountain of youth and charges tourists $5 to take a photo with it. To keep in good shape, her diet consists entirely of woodland vegetation. She has become a reminder to many of joining a gym again.

edit Early life

Nicole was born Nicole Malcolm Schwarzenegger on April 1, 1925 in Honolulu, Hawaii. Her parents Arnold Schwarzenegger and Tina Turner were both born in Harlem, New York. She is the sister of Barack Obama, Bruno Mars and Angela Lansbury.

At a young age she entered weight lifting contests on the insistance of her father, whilst her mother pulled her in the opposite direction and demanded that she become a singer. To appease both, she would sing and bench press at the same time. This greatly developed her signature high notes and physical endurance on stage. It is noted that in her early days of performing with the Pussycat Dolls, she would do kettlebell swings whilst singing "Don't Cha (wish your girlfriend was hawt like me)".

In her late 40s she moved to Green River, Utah in the hope of making it big as a singer there. Although she had some minor success as a gospel singer, the townsfolk were just not ready for her trademark skimpy outfits, nor her constant arm wrestle challenges. Subsequently, in 2004, she moved to LA where she was scouted by Taylor Dayne in Hooters to become part of the next big girl-band. She debated whether she should lose her Hooters staff discount over such a risk.

edit Career

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A photo of Nicole and her buddies, taken by Lewis Hamilton standing on a drunk.

Nicole is known as an excellent singer with incredible (and some say 'hypnotic') high notes. In addition to her bench press-singing routine, she also had a brief apprenticeship with some Sirens on the rocky coast just off Athens in the mid 1850s. She increased the mermaids' number of ship crashes by about 69%.

Nicole got her first big break when Taylor Dayne suggested that she try out with her sorority girl friends for *insert Simon Cowell talent show here*. The judges all said, 'Yes, honey child!' and she sealed the deal by arm wrestling Paula Abdul. After the talent show, Nicole used the $1 million prize money entirely on PVC corsets and the band had to work their way up to the top once more. After several performances at a local Trader Joe's she was spotted by the same management that made Taylor Dayne, MC Hammer and Vanilla Ice such global success stories. The band never looked back (partly because their PVC outfits were so tight).

For the past decade she had been the lead singer of Pussyc(l)a(r)t Dolls until all the other girls found out her true age. She had boasted she was a spring-lamb 21, when in fact she was a pruney 73. As one of the final straws, the other girls left a walker on stage for her alongside a 'Matlock' DVD. Nicole told the girls, "Fark y'all, imma gonna start my own solo prowject," and the other girls disappeared into a mysterious black hole.

Since her PCD days she has been on every single talent show known to man. Sometimes as a judge, sometimes as a contestant as a kinda weird ego-trip. She has also released her own debut album creatively named "Nicole Schwarzenegger". Her No.1 hit 'Pumping (iron)' is played globally at every strong-man contest.

edit Personal Relationships

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Lewis Hamilton. He has a lot of catching up to do with Nicole.

Schwarzenegger is rumoured to be dating on-off-on-off-on-off-on-off-on-off-on-off again beau, racing driver Lewis Hamilton. He is 45 years her junior. They met when Nicole had briefly decided to take up Formula One driving, again, at the insistance of her father, Arnold Schwarzenegger. After having beaten Lewis and winning the Grand Prix, she stalked him for 12 further years until he finally gave in and decided to date her. Lewis is seen regularly at her concerts ready with towels to mop her brow and extra weights to add to her bench press.

edit Public Image

Nicole is instantly recognisable by her fans as a Pussycat Doll. This lead to several identity crises for Nicole after quitting the band. She has several mechanisms to cope with her new civillian identity. She has been known to spend hours at McDonalds Drive-Thrus singing medleys of the Pussycat Dolls "greatest" "hits" to the unfortunate McDonalds employee on the other end of the speaker. Another coping mechanism is dressing her pet Pomeranian in all her old PCD outfits, which surprisingly fit the dog perfectly. She has been known to flip-off anyone that announces her as "Nicole, the former Pussycat Doll". She is the only Pussycat Doll to have a career once the band dissolved, even if it was only initially as a waste disposal management consultant. Nicole clawed her way to the top of the charts by offering a free thong with every CD.

She is known for extremely erotic dancing during her live concerts. This lead to trouble in Kuala Lumpur. Nicole was innocently gyrating against the microphone stand when 30 police men rushed the stage, tasered and pepper-sprayed her mid-gyration. She was arrested and thrown in jail without trial. If it wasn't for the US embassy reminding the authorities to release her, who knows if she would have still been in jail today. Nicole's jail name was "Mama Nutcracker" for reasons we'll leave you to figure out yourself.

Nicole received great criticism for the cradle-snatching of Lewis Hamilton. "He's just a kid, he's just a kid!" Lewis's mother said before Nicole swallowed him whole. Nicole dated several men during their 'break'. These men are rumoured to include former Backstreet-Boy Nick Carter and former- New Kids on the Block, Donnie Wahlberg. Being a 'former' herself, gave her something to talk about with them, I guess.

Nicole was upset that she has not been portrayed as a man-eater by the media, believing it to positively influence record sales, at least amongst spinsters (which account for 68% of her record sales).

edit Controversy

Despite her respect as a bodybuilder, she was rumoured to be involved with the Lance Armstrong drug scandal. However, after an independent review, a tribunal concluded that cycling is an entirely different sport to bodybuilding and that she was not involved. The tribunal then debated for a further 10 days on whether bodybuilding is a sport at all, lacking any 'team work' element (but that is for another 'wiki' page entirely). The final comment of the panel was complimenting Nicole's 'muscular rack' which many feminists have regarded as entirely unorthodox and inappropriate.

edit Future

Currently, Schwarzenegger is planning on filming a sequel to her father's film Terminator 3. "Terminator 3.6" will be out in February 2014. Its storyline revolves around her as a singer/cyborg that has to defeat her enemies by damaging their hearing with ultrasonic high notes. Admittedly, the storyline seems flawed due to the availability of hearing aids, but we shall see.

edit Product Lines

Nicole has several products on the market today, these include:-

  • Her top selling fragrance,Perspiration. 1/5 is Nicole's actual sweat.
  • Her lingerie range, Former PCD member Nicole Scherzinger's Undergarments.
  • Her staple gun range, Former PCD member Nicole Scherzinger's Stapling Guns.

edit Fun Facts

  • Nicole can bench press 350lbs and answer the phone at the same time.
  • Nicole's signature perfume "Perspiration" is a big hit amongst people who lead inactive lifestyles.
  • Nicole inherited her father's Austrian accent but managed to suppress it after 10 years of vocal coaching. It occasionally slips out when she is drunk.


edit Quotes

“*Grunt-Grunt-Grunt*”
~ Nicole Scherzinger bench pressing a park bench
“Don't cha wish your girlfriend could bench press like me?”
~ Nicole Scherzinger singing the PCD hit song 'Don't Cha'
“I vill punch you in de schnitzel!”
~ Nicole after being insulted on the set of Terminator 3.6
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