Nicolas Cage
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“Hi I'm Nicolas Cage and I'm calm about everything even though I found ten billion dollars worth of buried treasure and I found a number code that predicts the future and I'm gonna be calm about this because I'm Nicolas Cage and I'm calm about everything calmcalmcalmcalmcalmcalmcalm.”
~ Nicolas Cage (Overcaffeinated Mode) on himself
“I'm cutting off your caffeine supply.”
~ Leroy M. Cohen, in response to above quote
Nicolas Cage (born Nicoloso Cagrissi Corleone; January 7, 1964) is an American actor and former mafia thug with a receding hairline. He was born to his identical twin mother, Johnny Cage and his identical twin cat, Faraday's Cage. He won an Academy Award for playing a suicidal alcoholic in the film Leaving Las Vegas, but has since admitted that he was unaware that he was being filmed for a movie at the time. He is also well known for having had sex with every hot chick in the state of California. Additionally, it is a fact that you will never be as cool as Nicolas Cage. However even with all these great acts Nicolas Cage suffers from severe MFS (melting face syndrome) this causes each of his new movies to be released features a more elongated goo-like face. It has also caused his vopice to sound like that of a Memphis born goose. However thanks to anti-aging techniques known as "masks" he has been able to establish himself as an awful actor even if it does include his face oozing onto the red carpet when accepts his awards.
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[edit] Early Life
Nicolas Cage, born Nicoloso Cagrissi Corleone, was born January 7, 1964 in New York City. His father, Michael Corleone had hopes of bringing young Nicoloso up to be his successor as head of the Corleone crime family. However, his mother, Kay Adams Corleone wanted no such life for her son, so she put him in a basket and sent him down the Hudson River when he was only a year old. Little is known about what became of him for the next 15 years, but it has been suggested by some that he was involved in a bizarre love/fetish affair with a boy named "Birdy" Modine. At the age of 16, in a strange twist of fate, Nicoloso found work in the lower ranks of the Corleone family doing "odd jobs". According to police records, his crimes during this period included robbing convenience stores, harassing Cher, and killing 32 year old Bobby Ray Lemon with his bare hands.
At the age of 17, he developed a fascination with movies. He particularly liked the films of James Cagney and Edward G. Robinson. It was this fascination that would both ruin his youth and shape his adult life. At the age of 18, while watching the film Little Caesar, he shot everyone in the theater including himself. He was put into a coma from the injury, but he was nonetheless the only survivor of the incident. Three months later, after waking, he was sentenced to life in prison at Alcatraz.
[edit] Redemption
While in prison, Nicoloso (who had now changed his name to Nicolas Cage) met Sean Connery who had locked himself up for the last 5 years "just for the experience". The two became fast friends and planned a daring escape from Alcatraz Island. Against all odds, the pair killed a dozen guards with their bare hands and sailed to shore on a bar of soap. Upon arriving in San Francisco, Cage began writing a film script based on their escape. A month after he had started it, Nicolas finished the final draft of his script, titled "How me and Sean Connery Escaped from a Big Fuckin Rock". Connery was so impressed by the script that he decided to pay for the entire production out of his own pocket (which is pretty damn big) and hired who he calls "the best fuckin' movie director this side of Mars", Michael Bay, to direct it. The film turned out to be a huge success and cemented the name of Nicolas Cage among those of the greatest actors in history.
[edit] The Future
Nicolas Cage can see into the future, but only 2 minutes ahead. Therefore it is not known what the future holds for this amazing and troubled talent. This talent has evolved since his youth, which at the time allowed him to see things that had happened to himself 2 minutes after they had already happened. There is speculation that he is set to make a few Ghost Rider sequels, a few more National Treasure sequels, and that he will probably end up back in jail at some point. This is, of course, only speculation. Since we're speculating, though, I'm going to venture a guess that he'll probably have sex with your girlfriend at some point and get her pregnant. Failing that, he'll probably have sex with your mom. She'll probably get pregnant too unless she's already had a hysterectomy.
[edit] Personal life
[edit] Melting Face Syndrome
Nicolas Cage suffers from severe MFS, also known as melting face syndrome. This is why when watching a Cage movie in each scene as the movie progresses he gets a more elongated goo-like face. It has also causes his voice to sound like that of a Memphis born goose. However thanks to anti-aging techniques known as "masks" he has been able to establish himself as an awful actor even if it does include his face oozing onto the red carpet when accepts his awards. It has been remarked that he looks like a "sausage" though it has been corrected by Cage's agent that he looks like a "HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED SAUSAGE!".
[edit] Mental Disorders
In spite of (or perhaps because of) Cage's fame and success, he began to develop numerous mental illnesses. These included OCD, schizophrenia, tourette's, satyriasis, alzheimer's, and numerous undiagnosed disorders. Undeterred by his illnesses and determined to persevere, he decided to utilize these traits in his on screen characters. This has led to several memorable and acclaimed performances such as his role in Captain Corelli's Mandolin, where he played the role of the mandolin, and Ghost Rider, which was based entirely on Cage's real-life ability to set his head on fire at will.
[edit] Beekeeping
Nicolas Cage has continued to have bees enter his eyes through a specially built bee dispensing helmet. Unfortunately he doesn't know how it got burned. He also has no penis and 14 balls.
[edit] Other interests
- Signing the Declaration of Independence.
- Stealing the Declaration of Independence.
- Faking out evil people that he stole the Declaration of Independence.
- Kidnapping the President.
- Stealing the Constitution.
- Calling little girls liars.
- Beating women whilst wearing a bear suit.
- Having a severe allergic reaction to bees.
- Discovering clues of lost treasures from around the world that for some strange reason are always found in America.
- Has an obsession with cages and went as far to have his rib cage surgicaly covered in solid gold.
- Constantly planning to ruin Robin Williams career since he took Cage's sought after role in the film The Bird Cage.
- Overthrowing Ian Holm in arms trafficking.
- Staying out of rehab since cocaine is apparently very addictive and strange enough an illegal drug.
- Quixotic Quests
- Trying to eliminate the Democratic party out of America due to the fact nothing protects political parties in the constitution anyway.
- Driving friendly, the Texan way!
- Mind controlling Soviet premiers.
- Being warned of traps.
- Dying.
- Stealing peoples faces.
- Having luscious lips.
- Having a receding hairline.
- Almost blowing up Los Angeles, then defusing the bomb while in a John Travolta body suit.
- Killing Abe Lincoln
- Shooting J.F.K.
- Found Saddam Hussein
- Raping Satan.
- Raping Cher.
[edit] Trivia
- Nicolas Cage IS a Mongoloid
- Cage hates bees
- You wish you were Nicolas Cage.
- Since reading the above line, you Dont wish you were Nicolase Cage.
- He once bitch-slapped John Travolta so hard, his dimples became convex. Travolta had to have surgery to put them back to normal.
- He has the world's largest collection of My Little Pony toys and ephemera.
- He was offered the role of Jar-Jar Binks in Star Wars, but turned it down to star in City of Angels and spend 6 months banging Meg Ryan.
- He was chosen as the role of Ghost Rider because he has been the only human ever alive to be able to light their head on fire without crying.
- He was offered the leading role in an $2 billion pornographic movie with Cher and Samuel L. Jackson, directed by Woody Allen.
- Cage gets all of his acting talent straight from Satan. The twist to this deal however, is that for every awesome movie Cage makes, a shitty movie must be produced as well.
- Satan is helt hostage by Cage in his basement and is beeing raped everytime Cage wants to do an awesome movie. Cage stated that his religion is the reason for his sexual abuses on Satan and not his greed for money, fame and his obsesion for Elvis.
[edit] Filmography
- 2011 - Lord of Whore 2: The Escape from a Maximum Security Prison Since Guantonimo Bay is Shut Down
- 2010 - Season Of The Bitch
- 2010 - The Sorcerer's Apprentice[1]
- 2009 - Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call-Girls in New Orleans
- 2009 - Ass-tro Boy
- 2009 - G-String
- 2009 - What Are You Not Knowing About?[2]
- 2008 - Banged Cock .... is Dangerous
- 2007 - Lord of Whore
- 2007 - National Pleasure: Box of Dildos
- 2007 - Sext
- 2007 - Bump'n'Grind house
- 2007 - National Pleasure 2: The Cock of Secrets
- 2007 - Slave Driver
- 2006 - The Wetter Man
- 2006 - World SexTrade Center
- 2006 - The Aunt Bully
- 2005 - Lord of Warts
- 2005 - National Pleasure
- 2003 - Matchstick Cocks: All Two Inches
- 2002 - Windfuckers
- 2001 - Captain Cage's Mangina
- 1999 - Bringing Out the Cock
- 1999 - Cum in 60 Seconds
- 1998 - One Eyed Anaconda
- 1997 - Cock Air
- 1997 - Jerk/Off
- 1996 - The Cock
- 1995 - Screwing Las Vegas
- 1987 - Moonfuck[3]
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ If you know what I'm talking about...<wink>,<wink>
- ↑ In this comedy Earth is destroyed by a coming apocalypse cause by you-know-what.
- ↑ HOLY ASSHOLE THIS MOVIE WAS THE 5TH HIGHEST GROSSING MOVIE OF 1987 FUCK ME IN THE EYE SOCKET!
