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Tired of caring for your kids? Give them to us, and we'll raise them until they're 15!

~ Nickelodeon on themselves

Nickelodeon's old logo, from back when it didn't suck.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Nickelodeon.

Nickelodeon (also known as Nick; April 1, 1979 – April 30, 2005) was a cable television channel dedicated to quality programs aimed at children aged 6–until they switch to MTV. It was founded by Nick Cannon and later sold to Viacom and its dictator, Sumner Redstone. The channel was once known for airing/producing some of the greatest shows known to mankind, including All That, Kenan & Kel, Rugrats, Doug, The Ren & Stimpy Show, Rocko's Modern Life, Invader Zim, Hey Arnold!, and SpongeBob SquarePants seasons 1–3.

However, starting in 1998, it underwent a slow decline, as Redstone ordered the network to cancel its classic shows, thrust them into re-runs, and replace them with mediocre ones. In 2005, following the closing of Nickelodeon Studios, the network made the more extreme economy move of sacking "-elodeon" from its name, re-naming itself Nick, and removing all of its old shows completely.[1]

Since 2005, Nickelodeon has become so bad that it makes Disney Channel look cool, and Disney Channel is really gay. Sadly, the niche that Redstone sought—viewers who like bad programs—has not translated into greater sales of advertising.

edit History

edit Early years: 1979–1990

Dangermouse and crew

Danger Mouse.

Nick was initially launched in 1977 as Pinwheel, but changed its name to Nickelodeon in 1979. Nick Cannon, the owner, founder, CEO, president, manager, and pseudo-god of the network who named it after himself, decided to steal some Canadian and British kids' shows and air them on the channel, at no expense.

One such show was the hip, irreverent, and groundbreaking sketch-comedy You Can't Do That on Television. The show starred such iconic people and characters as Les Lye, Christine "Moose" McGlade, Ronald Reagan, and Barth. One of the show's trademarks[2] was somebody getting slimed after replying "I don't know!" Slime was a staple of Nick for a while, but currently only appears in the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.

Throughout the '80s, Nick stole more programming like Danger Mouse, The Tomorrow People, The Yesterday People, and the Stanley Kubrick movie A Clockwork Orange starring Malcolm McDowell. However, the respective copyright owners of these programs sued the network for copyright and trademark infringement and won big time, leaving Nick with nothing on their schedule in those time slots.

They decided to save time by rerunning YCDTOTV over and over again, while in the meantime producing their own original series. The first one was the Marc Summers game show, Double Dare, which premiered in 1986. The show was an instant hit with critics and audiences across the country and helped put Nickelodeon on the map. Other shows produced during this time included What The Hell Does This Kid Do?, Kids Court, the highly-controversial Kid Nation, A Clockwork Orange: The Series, Eureeka's Castle, Finders Keepers, and the short-lived Super Sentai parody dub, Dynaman.

Tacos then saw to appeal the cowboys with the short-lived comedy series Hey Dude. It became expensive to produce these shows, so they were all immediately canceled as soon as the network opened their own studio in 1991.

edit Golden Age: 1991–1997

Booze kids

Promotional image for Rugrats.

The 1990s saw a noticeable change for Nickelodeon. In 1991, Cannon made many positive changes. First, he opened Nickelodeon Studios in the summer of 1991, where Nick would their produce live-action shows. Second, he eliminated 90% of infomercials and subliminal messages on the channel. Third, he allowed Nick to produce their own animated series called "Nicktoons" (a parody of Cartoon Network's "Cartoon Cartoons"): cartoons with spunk and attitude.[3]

The original three Nicktoons were: Doug, named after and based on Cannon's son Doug; The Ren & Stimpy Show, a famous piece of anarchist propaganda; and Rugrats, which made millions of dollars for the channel and became their most reliable cash cow for the next 13 years. The writers of Nicktoons were children, forced to work to death à la the Industrial Revolution. They were a huge hit for the channel, and hypnotized millions of viewers never to stop watching TV.

The first show to be taped at Nickelodeon Studios was the game show Get the Picture, hosted by Anthony Hopkins, in which two teams had to guess pictures to win points. The show was short-lived, so the network decided to pour their money into more live-action such as Salute Your Shorts, Fifteen, Nick News, and Baywatch, all of which had varying degrees of success. Cannon wanted to see his empire reach a teenage audience, so in 1996, he launched Kenan & Kel, which gained a cult following among orange soda drinkers.

As the Golden Age of Nick marched on, more Nicktoons were introduced such as Rocko's Modern Life, Aaahh!!! Real Monsters, and Hey Arnold!. They closed out the Golden Age in 1997, with The Angry Beavers.

edit Silver Age: 1998–2004

In 1998, Nick was bought out by Viacom and its dictator Sumner Redstone. Redstone fired Cannon and took over as president. Under him, the network underwent a slow decline, as he ordered them to cancel all their classic shows, thrust them into re-runs, and replace them with mediocre ones such as The Wild Thornberries, Rocket Power, and CatDog, most of which placed an emphasis on crude animation. They ended the 90s by launcing their secret weapon, SpongeBob SquarePants, a highly addictive series with many jokes understandable by teens and adults.

Following the turn of new millennium, Redstone launched two very addictive and dangerous Nicktoons: The Fairly OddParents and Invader Zim. These two series are considered to be some of the good shows aired on the channel, though the latter was later cancelled since kids were actually enjoying it.

On November 19, 2004, Nick released The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie. It was originally intended to close the book on the show, but Redstone saw what a huge success SpongeBob was and decided to shake things up...and not for the better.

edit Death and Dark Ages: 2005–present


Sumner Redstone in 2005.

On April 30, 2005, Redstone closed down Nickelodeon Studios because rat poison was accidently dumped into the cafeteria beef stew. After a government investigation and expired copyrights, he ordered ALL classic Nick shows to be removed from the schedule completely, effective immediately. This movement pissed off loyal Nick fans, who had watched the channel since they were born. The network went off the air for the next week, when Redstone made amends with Rupert Murdoch and the two began retooling the channel.

Over the next week, Redstone and Murdoch made several extreme changes to Nick: they renewed SpongeBob for crappy new seasons without the involvement of the original creator, replaced the child labor writers with free labor screenwriters, greenlit very badly-acted shows such as Unfabulous and Zoey 101, and sacked "-elodeon" from the channel's name and re-named it Nick.

Nick went back on the air on May 6, 2005. The first thing to be shown that day was "Fear of Krabby Patty", one of the crappy new episodes of SpongeBob. The rest of the day was filled with nothing but reruns of SpongeBob. In a way, this was Redstone and Murdoch's way of giving everyone a giant fucking middle finger.

Since 2005, Nickelodeon has become so bad that it makes Disney Channel look cool, and Disney Channel is really gay. Sadly, the niche that Redstone sought—viewers who like bad programs—has not translated into greater sales of advertising.

edit Blocks

edit SNICK


Clarice Starling (Melissa Joan Hart) and Hannibal "Sam" Lecter (Sean O'Neal) in an episode of the legendary '90s sitcom Clarice Explains It All.

Saturday Night Nickelodeon (SNICK) was a godly two-hour block of programming that aired on Saturday nights from 1992 to 2004. It was hosted by teenagers who sat on a Big Comfy Orange Couch. This block has since become legendary and influential to other similar blocks on other channels, including Saturday Night Live.

  • Chuck Norris's Roundhouse Kick (1992–1994)
  • Clarice Explains It All (1991–1994)
  • Salute the Dark (1991–1993)
  • Are You Afraid of Your Shorts? (1992–1998)
  • The Good All That (1994–2000)
  • The Crappy New All That (2001–2005)
  • Kenan and Kel (1996–2000)

edit Nick at Nite

Nick at Nite launched on July 1, 1985 as a place to dump off old shows. Nostalgic viewers longing for a time when women stayed in the kitchen and minorities weren't allowed on golf courses, flocked to the network to view these shows. Older viewers today still flock to it because it means a chance to watch something other than Spongebob Squarepants for the 20th time in one day.

edit The 90s Are All That

On March 10, 2011, Entertainment Weakly reported that Nickelodeon is planning to bring back its 1990s shows and air them on their TeenNick channel in the fall. This is pretty much the only thing on TeenNick worth watching, other than maybe the occasional re-run of Drake and Josh.

edit List of shows

Nicktoons have almost always been characterized by characters with less than that of an ape intelligence and distort the human figure in their animated series, resulting in psychological trauma children about the identity and personality of their own. It is believed that make drawing competitions before releasing a series, and the worst drawing, or the deformed, is what keeps the misfortune of representing the series (true).

Nicktoons characters often have: square heads or American football heads, fat/huge rear legs, floating eyebrows, noses full of snot, 4 or 3 fingers on each hand, collars inspired by a wasp waist, giant brains (Jimmy Case penene-UTRON), arrows in the head, and skin colors that can only be explained if human cells have chloroplasts or the like.

edit Golden Age

  • Doug (1991–1993): Cartoon about a young man who has to go through all kinds of problems. It has a blue-skinned best friend (probably out of the movie Avatar) and a faithful dog named chops (which was very tricky). Unfortunately, it was bought by Disney and separated from nickelodeon.
  • Rocko's Modern Life (1993–1996): Try a parallel universe where animals talk. Rocko a wallaby (a species of kangaroo), lives the craziest adventures with his friend Heffer, a steer cow bull horns obese thing, son of wolves parents.
  • Rugrats (1991–2004): A Nicktoon about babies who talk, go on crazy adventures, and somehow remain babies for 13 years. After a successful 13 seasons and 3 movies, the creators decided to make a sequel series where the characters are adults facing the problems of daily life, such as alcohol, sexual confusion, theft, and money.
  • Are you afraid of the dark ? (1992-2000): Series with actors who had horror stories around a fire and causing fear.
  • Aaaaaaaaahh !!! Real Monsters (1994–1997): Series where the wild things are hidden in the sewers and go to school to learn to scare humans. The protagonists are Ickis (a red rabbit), Oblina (a black and white stick with Angelina Jolie lips) and Krumm (sort of naked dwarf holding his eyes with his hands); they always get into trouble because of Ickis.
  • All That (1996–2000)
  • Kenan & Kel (1996–2000)
  • Salute Your Shorts
  • Clarissa Explains It All
  • Showgirls: The Animated Series
  • The Adventures of Pete & Pete
  • Hey Arnold! (1996–2004): A show about an orphan who lives with her stubborn crazy grandparents, which own an apartment building. Arnold is the typical American stereotype blond baseball lover and a black friend.
  • The Angry Beavers (1997–2001): A Nicktoon that centers on two brother beavers who fight all the time. Most of the show's beaver actors now live in another country, due to the sexual abuse of human actors during production.

edit Silver Age


Amanda Bearse, Drake Bell, and Josh Peck on The Amanda Show.

  • CatDog (1998–2005): A Nicktoon that centers on two oddball brothers named Cat and Dog, who are conjoined with one another despite their clashing personalities. Cat and Dog were actually Happy Tree Friends that were cut in half, but the creators of the show forgot to press the Reset Button for the next episode, so they glued the two bodies together and created a mutant half-dog/half-cat. The show was originally pitched to MTV due to its dark premise, but was rejected.
  • The Amanda Show (1999–2002): A sketch comedy starring Amanda Bearse, Drake Bell, and Josh Peck.
  • Rocket Power (1999–2004): The first truly mediocre Nicktoon. It centers on Reggie, Otto, Squid, and Twister, a gang of X-TREME friends who love X-TREME sports like skateboarding, snowboarding, hockey, biking, and surfing. Otto is notable for being the most unlikable, cocky, pig-nosed punk in the history of television, and has committed various acts of mischief such as killing hookers, prank calling others, sneaking off to Beach Break during chroretime, and snowboarding out of bounds (and getting the shit shredded out of himself as a result). Thankfully, he is usually punished.
  • SpongeBob SquarePants (1999–2004): The talking sponge idea finally took off. This zany Nicktoon was worked on by many of the same people who brought us Ren & Stimpy and Rocko's Modern Life. This show started off decent with its first season, and really hit its stride in its second and third season. It ended with a movie in 2004, and nobody renewed it...we wish.
  • Invader Zim (2001–2002): A darkly funny Nicktoon that centers on Zim, an alien invader who wants to conquer this filthy planet Earth and destroy the human race. Assisting him is a mindless robot slave named GIR, and opposing him is an elementary school kid with an oversized head named Dib. It was cancelled because children were too stupid (much like pathetic moose-worm babies) to understand its dystopian humor.
  • The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius (2002–2006): A Nicktoon that centers on Jimmy, a boy genius who is basically a clone of Dexter from Dexter's Laboratory; however, unlike Dexter, Jimmy is a stubborn little shit who never gets taken down a peg. His friends are Carl, a nerd and lover of llamas, and Sheen, a retard and Ultra Lord freak. Together, they go on the best adventures of their young lives. Jimmy used his hypo-ray to make viewers watch his show until 2006, when it was cancelled because Sumner Redstone wanted nothing but SpongeBob, SpongeBob, SpongeBob on the channel.
  • CalkZone (2002–2004): A boy and a piece of calk.
  • My Life as a Teenage Robot (2003–2005): Robot Girl name Jenny or XJ9 saves the world and all that sort of crap, but it's pretty entertaining to watch, kinda funny if you're high, and has decent animation. Plus, Jenny is mai waifu.
  • Drake & Josh (2004–2007): A white version of Kenan and Kel, with some surprisingly good humor and writing. One of the few good Nick shows made after 2000, without a doubt.
  • Danny Phantom (2004–2007): The story of a teenage boy like no other, with subnormal and out the other world problems, acquires superpowers ghost to scare people, and make the bed wet commit suicide and save the world from ghosts terrible threats, this superhero was created by the same author of the Fairly OddParents, a day after having smoked marihuana, and hence came the idea of ​​the character alleged.

edit Dark Ages

Nick's current shows are very bad. Thanks to the time series of Arnold as SpongeBob and The Fairly OddParents still has hypnotic powers, has been awarded many tickets canal and still bring new chapters. Other series that have come to be canceled soon are.

  • SpongeBob: sea sponge that makes all kinds of silly things with his friend Patrick Star.
  • The Mystery of Anubis: Try a pendejitos who are in a house, are a newcomer yankee (Nina), a lesbian (Patricia), an "attempt to Justin Bieber" (Fabian), a strawberry (Amber), an idiot (Mick), an robanovios (Mara), an masturbated (Jerome) and a black shit (Alfie), it should also say that the friend has disappeared girlfriend Patricia, nurse Joy.
  • The Penguins of Madagascar: Another less flawed than normal to bring movie characters to the small screen, attempt is 4 penguins in the zoo, planning operations miltitares ... think it's unique content.
  • Big Time Rush: It sounds like the Jonas Brothers, but Nickelodeon and better.
  • TUFF Puppy: The series is about a dog and a cat stupid bitch who are secret agents who get help from Chuck Norris to stop an evil Pulgosa city.
  • Mommy 101 (2005–2008): Jamie Lynn Spears plays Cruella De Vil's daughter, who is on a quest to capture 101 Dalmatians while attending Pacific Coast Academy. She blew it around episode 63, though, when some Mississippi hick got her knocked up.
  • Avatar: The Last Good Show on Nickelodeon (2005–2008): An unusually lofty Nicktoon for their current standards. Much like Star Wars's borrowing from Western culture, this show intricately incorporates aspects of Eastern culture. It also kicks ass because the people in the show can attack each other by using air, water, earth, and/or fire. For some reason the show suggests the moon makes water attacks more powerful, which is ridiculous because everyone knows that the Moon has no water on it. Nevertheless, the show as a whole still beats the hell out of seasons 4–9 of SpongeBob, and it's the only Nick show made since 2005 that's worth a damn. Shame they were only 3 seasons and it was adapted into a movie by M. Night one deserves such a cruel fate.
  • ScumBob SnarePants (2005–∞): Seasons 4–9 of SpongeBob, showrun by Paul Tibbitt and written by circus chimps Richard Pursel, Casey Alexander, and Zeus Cervas. A mean-spirited gross-out show that could only appeal to retards and manchildren. It is also responsible for the declining popularity and impending cancellation of The Simpsons.
  • The Mighty B! (2008–2011):[4] A Nicktoon about a girl scout who goes insane and thinks she's a bee.
  • Tak and the Power of Juju (2007–2009): Nobody even speaks of this one anymore. Nor does anyone know what the hell the writers were smoking when they thought of it. It died in less than a year.
  • The Penguins of Madagascar (2009–2012): A documentary series, and another flawed attempt at bringing movie characters to the small screen. It centers on four penguins who live in Madagascar, where they plan military operations and smoke weed. It's...unique, to say the least.
  • iCarly: A show about a prissy little fuck hosting a webshow with one of the most meat-loving people ever.
  • Fanboy and Chum Chum: Mediocre 3D caricature created by the creators of Jimmy Neutron, but is drugged by inventing a couple of characters stupid idiots who do drugs with Frosty Frozen Ice Cream, and superheroes are created, is a Fanboy superdrogado that Batman is believed, but fused with Ultra-Lord, whose superpowers are sucking dick care for Robin bootlicker turn Chum Chum. The worst show on the entire channel. Contains nothing but potty jokes.
  • Bucket and Skinner's Epic Adventures: Rocket Power without the Power.
  • All Grown Up!: Bad spin-off of Rugrats that featured the babies as preteens who acted like teens for some reason. It died really fast.
  • El Tigre: The Adventures of Manny Rivera: A show that has Mexicans.
  • The Naked Brothers Band: A band of little kids trying to act like they're The Beatles. Forget this.
  • Victorious: Major Loss.
  • Glenn Martin, DDS: Let's just say it involves cheesy stop motion, a lame-brained dentist, and a dog with an oversized anus. Think about it...yeah, not a pretty image.
  • Back at the Barnyard (2007–2011): A crime drama about animals who spend all night partying, led by a male cow with an udder named Otis. Sex, drugs, and rock n'roll are common themes in the series.
  • T.U.F.F. Puppy: A Sin City-esq drama by Frank Miller, Butch Hartman, Quentin Tarantino, Spike Lee and Tom Hanks about a dog who moonlights as a serial killer vigilante by night and bangs a hot cat chick by day.
  • Big Time Rush: Since we're too scared to watch it, we got a 12-year-old girl to write the following plotline for us: ZOMG!!!!! BTR it is about like these 4 guys named Kendal, Logan, Carloz and James but nobody cares about anyone but James bc he is freaaaaaking haaaaaawt!!!!!!!!!one!!111!!!! lol jk so um anyway I guess they win liek a contest or something and this fat guy and his blak girlfriend manage them and they get in to all kinds of antics LOL!!!!!
  • Planet Shit: This was the sequel series of Jimmy Neutron, but this time the protagonist is crazy weird monkey experiment Jimmy Neutron, Sheen Estevez Shit, who after all the failed experiments, will get into his lab to steal a rocket, after Jimmy steals your card Ultra-Lord, and he will escape into space and lands on a strange planet called Venus Zeenu, where the emperor of the planet does, and wants to dominate the world, his new friend is a drugged monkey, which has the ability to speak, and an alien rapist named doppy Drugs, who stole things his ex-best friend of all the previous series, Carl Weezer, this series can be considered Nickelodeon plagiarism to planet of the Apes.
  • Dragon Ball Z Kai: Hope that Nick is becoming cool again.
  • Power Rangers: Need I say more?
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Okay, we get it!
  • Ojamajo Doremi: Magic?

edit Current schedule

 8:00 - Spongebob Squarepants
 8:30 - Spongebob Squarepants
 9:00 - Spongebob Squarepants
 9:30 - dora the explorer
10:00 - Spongebob Squarepants
10:30 - Spongebob Squarepants
11:00 - Spongebob Squarepants
11:30 - Icarly
12:00 - icarly
12:30 - Icarly
 1:00 - Icarly
 1:30 - Spongebob Squarepants
 2:00 - Spongebob Squarepants
 2:30 - Spongebob Squarepants
 3:00 - Spongebob Squarepants
 3:30 - drake and josh
 4:00 - Spongebob Squarepants
 4:30 - the fairly oddparents
 5:00 - Spongebob Squarepants
 5:30 - the fairly oddparents
 6:00 - the fairly oddparents
 6:30 - the fairly oddparents
 7:00 - the fairly oddparents
 7:30 - the fairly oddparents
 8:00 - Spongebob Squarepants
 8:30 - Spongebob Squarepants
 9:00 - Spongebob Squarepants
10:00 - Spongebob Squarepants

edit References

  1. Most of the characters from these shows did not even receive the pensions they were promised.
  2. Which is now owned by Viacom.
  3. A given, since this was the dawn of grunge and whatnot.
  4. Not to be confused with the actual good show The Mighty Boosh.

edit See also

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