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Tired of caring for your kids? Give them to us, and we'll raise them until they're 15!

~ Nickelodeon on themselves

Nickelodeon's old logo, from back when it didn't suck.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Nickelodeon.

Nickelodeon (also known as Nick; April 1, 1979 – April 30, 2005) was a cable television channel dedicated to quality programs aimed at children aged 6–until they switch to MTV. It was founded by Nick Cannon and later sold to Viacom and its dictator, Sumner Redstone. The channel was once known for airing/producing some of the greatest shows known to mankind, including All That, Kenan & Kel, Rugrats, Doug, The Ren & Stimpy Show, Rocko's Modern Life, Invader Zim, Hey Arnold!, and SpongeBob SquarePants seasons 1–3.

However, starting in 1998, it underwent a slow decline, as Redstone ordered the network to cancel its classic shows, thrust them into re-runs, and replace them with mediocre ones. In 2005, following the closing of Nickelodeon Studios, the network made the more extreme economy move of sacking "-elodeon" from its name, re-naming itself Nick, and removing all of its old shows completely.[1]

Since 2005, Nickelodeon has become so bad that it makes Disney Channel look cool, and Disney Channel sucks. Sadly, the niche that Redstone sought—viewers who like bad programs—has not translated into greater sales of advertising.

edit History

edit Early years: 1979–1990

Dangermouse and crew

Danger Mouse.

Nick was initially launched in 1977 as Pinwheel, but changed its name to Nickelodeon in 1979. Nick Cannon, the owner, founder, CEO, president, manager, and pseudo-god of the network who named it after himself, decided to steal some Canadian and British kids' shows and air them on the channel, at no expense.

One such show was the hip, irreverent, and groundbreaking sketch-comedy You Can't Do That on Television. The show starred such iconic people and characters as Les Lye, Christine "Moose" McGlade, Ronald Reagan, and Barth. One of the show's trademarks[2] was somebody getting slimed after replying "I don't know!" Slime was a staple of Nick for a while, but currently only appears in the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.

Throughout the '80s, Nick stole more programming like Danger Mouse, The Tomorrow People, The Yesterday People, and the Stanley Kubrick movie A Clockwork Orange starring Malcolm McDowell. However, the respective copyright owners of these programs sued the network for copyright and trademark infringement and won big time, leaving Nick with nothing on their schedule in those time slots.

They decided to save time by rerunning YCDTOTV over and over again, while in the meantime producing their own original series. The first one was the Marc Summers game show, Double Dare, which premiered in 1986. The show was an instant hit with critics and audiences across the country and helped put Nickelodeon on the map. Other shows produced during this time included What The Hell Does This Kid Do?, Kids Court, the highly-controversial Kid Nation, A Clockwork Orange: The Series, Eureeka's Castle, Finders Keepers, and the short-lived Super Sentai parody dub, Dynaman.

Tacos then saw to appeal the cowboys with the short-lived comedy series Hey Dude. It became expensive to produce these shows, so they were all immediately canceled as soon as the network opened their own studio in 1991.

edit Golden Age: 1991–1997

Booze kids

Promotional image for Rugrats.

The 1990s saw a noticeable change for Nickelodeon. In 1991, Cannon made many positive changes. First, he opened Nickelodeon Studios in the summer of 1991, where Nick would their produce live-action shows. Second, he eliminated 90% of infomercials and subliminal messages on the channel. Third, he allowed Nick to produce their own animated series called "Nicktoons" (a parody of Cartoon Network's "Cartoon Cartoons"): cartoons with spunk and attitude.[3]

The original three Nicktoons were: Doug, named after and based on Cannon's son Doug; The Ren & Stimpy Show, a famous piece of anarchist propaganda; and Rugrats, which made millions of dollars for the channel and became their most reliable cash cow for the next 13 years. The writers of Nicktoons were children, forced to work to death à la the Industrial Revolution. They were a huge hit for the channel, and hypnotized millions of viewers never to stop watching TV.

The first show to be taped at Nickelodeon Studios was the game show Get the Picture, hosted by Anthony Hopkins, in which two teams had to guess pictures to win points. The show was short-lived, so the network decided to pour their money into more live-action such as Salute Your Shorts, Fifteen, Nick News, and Baywatch, all of which had varying degrees of success. Cannon wanted to see his empire reach a teenage audience, so in 1996, he launched Kenan & Kel, which gained a cult following among orange soda drinkers.

As the Golden Age of Nick marched on, more Nicktoons were introduced such as Rocko's Modern Life, Aaahh!!! Real Monsters, and Hey Arnold!. They closed out the Golden Age in 1997, with The Angry Beavers.

edit Silver Age: 1998–2004

In 1998, Nick was bought out by Viacom and its dictator Sumner Redstone. Redstone fired Cannon and took over as president. Under him, the network underwent a slow decline, as he ordered them to cancel all their classic shows, thrust them into re-runs, and replace them with mediocre ones such as The Wild Thornberries, Rocket Power, and CatDog, most of which placed an emphasis on crude animation. They ended the 90s by launcing their secret weapon, SpongeBob SquarePants, a highly addictive series with many jokes understandable by teens and adults.

Following the turn of new millennium, Redstone launched two very addictive and dangerous Nicktoons: The Fairly OddParents and Invader Zim. These two series are considered to be some of the good shows aired on the channel, though the latter was later cancelled since kids were actually enjoying it.

On November 19, 2004, Nick released The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie. It was originally intended to close the book on the show, but Redstone saw what a huge success SpongeBob was and decided to shake things up...and not for the better.

edit Death and Dark Ages: 2005–present


Sumner Redstone in 2005.

On April 30, 2005, Redstone closed down Nickelodeon Studios because rat poison was accidently dumped into the cafeteria beef stew. After a government investigation and expired copyrights, he ordered ALL classic Nick shows to be removed from the schedule completely, effective immediately. This movement pissed off loyal Nick fans, who had watched the channel since they were born. The network went off the air for the next week, when Redstone made amends with Rupert Murdoch and the two began retooling the channel.

Over the next week, Redstone and Murdoch made several extreme changes to Nick: they renewed SpongeBob for crappy new seasons without the involvement of the original creator, replaced the child labor writers with free labor screenwriters, greenlit very badly-acted shows such as Unfabulous and Zoey 101, and sacked "-elodeon" from the channel's name and re-named it Nick.

Nick went back on the air on May 6, 2005. The first thing to be shown that day was "Fear of Krabby Patty", one of the crappy new episodes of SpongeBob. The rest of the day was filled with nothing but reruns of SpongeBob. In a way, this was Redstone and Murdoch's way of giving everyone a giant fucking middle finger.

Since 2005, Nickelodeon has become so bad that it makes Disney Channel look cool, and Disney Channel is really gay. Sadly, the niche that Redstone sought—viewers who like bad programs—has not translated into greater sales of advertising.

edit Blocks

edit SNICK


Clarice Starling (Melissa Joan Hart) and Hannibal "Sam" Lecter (Sean O'Neal) in an episode of the legendary '90s sitcom Clarice Explains It All.

Saturday Night Nickelodeon (SNICK) was a godly two-hour block of programming that aired on Saturday nights from 1992 to 2004. It was hosted by teenagers who sat on a Big Comfy Orange Couch. This block has since become legendary and influential to other similar blocks on other channels, including Saturday Night Live.

edit Nick at Nite

Nick at Nite launched on July 1, 1985 as a place to dump off old shows. Nostalgic viewers longing for a time when women stayed in the kitchen and minorities weren't allowed on golf courses, flocked to the network to view these shows. Older viewers today still flock to it because it means a chance to watch something other than Spongebob Squarepants for the 20th time in one day.

edit The 90s Are All That

On March 10, 2011, Entertainment Weakly reported that Nickelodeon is planning to bring back its 1990s shows and air them on their TeenNick channel in the fall. This is pretty much the only thing on TeenNick worth watching, other than maybe the occasional re-run of Drake and Josh.

edit Innovative animation

Nicktoons have almost always been characterized by characters with less than that of an ape intelligence and distort the human figure in their animated series, resulting in psychological trauma children about the identity and personality of their own. It is believed that make drawing competitions before releasing a series, and the worst drawing, or the deformed, is what keeps the misfortune of representing the series (true).

Nicktoons characters often have: square heads or American football heads, fat/huge rear legs, floating eyebrows, noses full of snot, 4 or 3 fingers on each hand, collars inspired by a wasp waist, giant brains (Jimmy Case penene-UTRON), arrows in the head, and skin colors that can only be explained if human cells have chloroplasts or the like.

edit References

  1. Most of the characters from these shows did not even receive the pensions they were promised.
  2. Which is now owned by Viacom.
  3. A given, since this was the dawn of grunge and whatnot.

edit See also

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