Nick Clegg

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Medical Conditions)
m (Revert Lord Castabarus--Added oddball episode, list of memes, "alludes"; maybe make it an UnNews)
 
(36 intermediate revisions by 16 users not shown)
Line 6: Line 6:
 
{{Q|Go put the kettle on, Clegg.|David Cameron}}
 
{{Q|Go put the kettle on, Clegg.|David Cameron}}
   
'''Nicholas Gibberish Custard-Tie Teaboy "Nick" Clegg''' (born 7 January 1967) is a British politician who is now somehow Deputy Prime Minister and is believed to be a fictional character as played by [[David Cameron]]. He will be the last leader of the [[Liberal Democrats]].
+
'''Nicholas Gibberish Custard-Tie Teaboy "Nick" Clegg''' (born 7 January 1967) is the former Deputy Prime Minister of the [[United Kingdom]] and a former leader of the [[Liberal Democrat]] party. He lead his party from the political wilderness in 2010 until they formed a coalition government with the [[Conservative Party]] and then returned to the scrub lands and tumbleweed following the Liberal Democrat near wipe out in the 2015 General election.
  +
{{wikipedia}}
  +
Clegg's five years of imitating British Prime Minister [[David Cameron]]'s poodle are now over. A terminal visit to the vet may come next. His party is now leaderless, rudderless, clueless and irrelevant, though to be fair to the Liberals, they have been there before. Following his resignation the Liberal Democrats are leaderless, but are spoilt for choice regarding his successor, as they have no fewer than <s>8</s> (oops!), 7 MPs to choose from.
   
Unbeknownst to the [[gullible]] British nation and political sphere, [[David Cameron]]<ref>We shall crush you down to the point from which there is no coming back. Things will happen to you from which you could not recover, if you lived a thousand years. Never again will you be capable of ordinary human feeling. Everything will be dead inside you. Never again will you be capable of love, or friendship, or joy of living, or laughter, or curiosity, or courage, or integrity. You will be hollow. We shall squeeze you empty, and then fill you with ourselves.</ref> is in fact the first person in modern history to have simultaneously led two British political parties. Having accomplished this plan, he has now gone most of the way towards the complete irrevocable destruction of the "[[Liberal Democrats|Liberal]]" "Democrat" party. Clegg tries to impersonate a very well spoken man but you can tell in his eyes that he doesn't believe a word he says.
+
So where did it all go right/wrong for Clegg? Should he have kept the Liberal Democrats unsoiled from genuine political power, keeping to their principles or was it down to trusting the word of the slippery [[David Cameron]]<ref>We shall crush you down to the point from which there is no coming back. Things will happen to you from which you could not recover, if you lived a thousand years. Never again will you be capable of ordinary human feeling. Everything will be dead inside you. Never again will you be capable of love, or friendship, or joy of living, or laughter, or curiosity, or courage, or integrity. You will be hollow. We shall squeeze you empty, and then fill you with ourselves.</ref> Or was Clegg always there to render the Liberal Democrats harmless, the Manchurian Candidate under the direct control of the Conservative party to discredit their old foes the Liberals. Either way, the Lib Dems are now the Lib [[Dodo|Dodos]], destined to end up inside a specimen jar for curious generations to gawp at in future.
   
Cameron describes the character of Clegg as 'laddish' type and 'one for the ladies' which Cameron thought would be particularly apt as the current parliament was due to be '[[dick|well hung]]', until those '<s>on</s>in the game' decided it should really be gagged and castrated for the public good. It would appear that Clegg is an avatar of Cameron as the two are able to exist separately, although Clegg is little more than an [[condom|extension]] of David.
+
== Rise to Glory ==
   
The virtual Clegg is multilingual: he speaks English, Dutch, French, German, and Spanish, but can't say no to the [[Conservative Party|Tories]] in any of them. Since he is really David Cameron, that cannot come as any surprise.
+
Nick Clegg is proud of his mixed-up family relations. He has Dutch ancestors and a Spanish wife, despite having a name like 'Clegg' which does sound distinctly Northern England working class. The Clegger's early history includes an incident where he burned down a garden shed in Germany (so that doesn't count) and that he was regular stallion in the bedsheets at university. Clegg was also good at tennis which is perhaps where he should have really gone. England likes its tennis players but only if they lose. Clegg now has gone that but without the tennis elbow and or a bronzed knee look - which is perhaps a shame since he does always like someone who is about to be violenly sea sick.
   
==Strategy F (Ermächtigungsgesetz)==
+
The young Clegg eventually working at the [[European Union]] as fifth banana for the then British EU commissioner [[Leon Brittan]]. Former Tory minister Brittan (and now he is dead...you can claim Brittan was the leader of a satanic cult of kiddie fiddlers) was keen for Clegg to join his party and become a Conservative. Clegg said apparently 'not yet but give me 25 years' or words to that affect.
David Cameron has developed a third fictional political character in a [[Labour Party|Labour]] politician, <s>David</s>Ed Miliband<ref>So named for the wide spectrum of issues upon which he has strong and well thought-out views, thus his already legendary status amongst parliamentary opposition.</ref> Cameron's plan is to lead the Labour party in this character after [[Gordon Brown]], and become whichever pissant [[Fuhrer]] [[Great Britain]] is next subjected to.
 
 
So as can be seen David Cameron's goal is then to destroy both the [[Labour]] Party and the Liberal Democrats in order to ensure a [[Conservative Party|Tory]] victory at the [[final solution|next General Election]]. '''Strategy F''', as it is named by [Conservative Central Office], had to be chosen because the other strategies required the [[British]] public to elect the Conservatives in an honest way, which research shows is no longer a political possibility. Consequently, any opposition had to be infiltrated and eliminated. Even with no political opposition, there are still doubts that the Conservatives will be able to obtain a majority at the next general election.
 
 
Although [[nobody cares|nobody]] in [[The General Public|the public]] seems to have noticed the illusion yet, many are noticing distinct similarities between the looks, the dialogue and the political ideas of Cameron and Clegg. Would people really think that [[Conservatives]] are that desperate for power to resort to this, though? [[Yes|Surely not]]!!??
 
 
Also he now sleeps with David every night.
 
   
 
==Where's Nicky?==
 
==Where's Nicky?==
Line 24: Line 24:
 
Conspiracies floating around suggest that this idea was the brainchild of David Cameron, and he knew the consequences anyway, simply in order to destruct the Lib Dems campaign. It worked.
 
Conspiracies floating around suggest that this idea was the brainchild of David Cameron, and he knew the consequences anyway, simply in order to destruct the Lib Dems campaign. It worked.
   
==Medical Conditions==
+
==[[Herpes|Cleggmania]]==
 
Clegg was born with a major life threatening disease, Absentia Columna Vertebralis (ACV). This condition has led to Clegg being likened to a furless capybara with HIV/AIDS (although this comparison is opposed by the League for the Advancement of Furless Capybaras), as well as Leukemia and other illnesses that make you weak and feeble. The lack of backbone causes Nick Clegg to quiver and shake like a pathetic little child about to be molested by his or her "Uncle" Barry. This quivering also has psychological effects; Clegg's lack of back support lends him great empathy for those in need of support, and so he supports anything even if he doesn't believe in it. For example Clegg betrayed his small band of supporters by being a complete and total twat and leeching from the Conservatives.
 
One advantage of lacking a spine means Clegg can hide in very confined spaces.
 
Clegg also suffers from another birth defect in which he appears to be wrinkly scrotum with a phallus located on his head earning him the nick names: Dick Clegg, Dickhead Clegg, Nick the Dick.
 
 
==Nick Clegg's fault==
 
 
[[Image:Cinderella_Panto.jpg|thumb|''Let us fuck this country up together''. 2011 Coalition Poster.]]
 
[[Image:Cinderella_Panto.jpg|thumb|''Let us fuck this country up together''. 2011 Coalition Poster.]]
 
Following the second great British [[masturbation|mass debate]], it turned out Nick's role in world affairs was actually much deeper. It was officially reported by the press that his other activities included leaving the chip fryer on [[UnNews:Freak atmospheric conditions suspend UK flights|whilst on a holiday to Iceland]], that [[Windows Vista]] was his idea, and that he piloted one of the aircraft on behalf of [[George Dubya Bush]] that went through the [[World Trade Center]] on [[September 11th]].
 
 
However, Nick assured the country that it was all fully declared to the Electoral Commission, and that he is still able to stand for [[Parliament]].
 
 
==[[Herpes|Cleggmania]]==
 
{{wikipedia}}
 
 
Nobody knows where this brief phenomenon arose from, but spin doctors seem to have identified its origins in the aftermath of the 1st [[mass debate]]. Comparisons have been made to the rise of fame of [[Lady Gaga]], and [[ur mum]]. The origins of Cleggmania seems to be from the [[Iceland|Iceandic]] volcano that started erupting the day before the television debate. The power of the ash cloud that floated over Britain the next day gave Nick Clegg an apparent angelic glow, and infected anyone that happened to look at him during the TV debate with a virus, which spread to everyone else they talked to afterwards. 99% of people watching were reported to have been infected, and those not watching quickly caught the virus from others talking about Nick Clegg, so by Friday afternoon, 75% of the population had been infected.
 
Nobody knows where this brief phenomenon arose from, but spin doctors seem to have identified its origins in the aftermath of the 1st [[mass debate]]. Comparisons have been made to the rise of fame of [[Lady Gaga]], and [[ur mum]]. The origins of Cleggmania seems to be from the [[Iceland|Iceandic]] volcano that started erupting the day before the television debate. The power of the ash cloud that floated over Britain the next day gave Nick Clegg an apparent angelic glow, and infected anyone that happened to look at him during the TV debate with a virus, which spread to everyone else they talked to afterwards. 99% of people watching were reported to have been infected, and those not watching quickly caught the virus from others talking about Nick Clegg, so by Friday afternoon, 75% of the population had been infected.
   
Line 49: Line 42:
 
"Look, we're in coalition and are coping with one the biggest economic catastrophes in modern times.OK, I might be the Andrew Ridgely of British Politics but I enjoy poncing around in ministerial limos, looking all smug and important for the first time ever in my hitherto anonymous little life. I've decided therefore to say "bollocks" to it and agree wholeheartedly with what Dave's now saying instead. Who gives a fiddler's fuck what students think anyway? ... Is that microphone still on? Shit."
 
"Look, we're in coalition and are coping with one the biggest economic catastrophes in modern times.OK, I might be the Andrew Ridgely of British Politics but I enjoy poncing around in ministerial limos, looking all smug and important for the first time ever in my hitherto anonymous little life. I've decided therefore to say "bollocks" to it and agree wholeheartedly with what Dave's now saying instead. Who gives a fiddler's fuck what students think anyway? ... Is that microphone still on? Shit."
   
==His personal selection preferences==
+
==Achievements==
  +
  +
In his role as Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg was able to go everywhere with the impersonation of power. David Cameron called him an 'honourable' friend and pat him on the back when they sat together on the Government front bench to stare at their Labour opponents. This and a swanky house share and access to the gold plated secret bunker underneath No10 were about it. There was a referendum on changing [[First Past the Post]] (FPTP) to E&SR (Egg & Spoon Race) where candidates would have to run with a boiled egg whilst dressed in rank furry animal costume to help get the 'kiddies' interested in voting. The British Public said no on that one and that was really it for the Liberal Democrat hopes.
  +
  +
The rest of the coalition passed as a blur with it seems the Liberal end of the coalition getting to announce all the bad stuff (Tax on the First Born, Abolition of Foreigners, The Blow-up Bed Tax) whilst the Tories got the credit for introducing [[Boris Johnson]] to public life. It was all a bit unfair but Clegg stuck to his policies...if he hadn't lost them down the back of a sofa.
   
Once upon a time back in his [[Student]] days he bedded 35 men selected using [[STV]] out of 1000 possible candidates. He now lives a more normal life with his wife Miriam, selected using AV in what was described by his [[harem]] as a miserable little [[weasel]] of a compromise, which his wife did not appreciate.
+
==This is the End==
   
==Retirement==
+
In the 2015 May election Clegg really believed his party would survive. He offered to be the 'Dorothy' in a bizarre analogy with the [[Wizard of Oz]]. The Liberal Democrats would provide the brains for the Scarecrow Labour Party and a heart for the Tin Man Tories. But then who was the Cowardly Lion? [[Nigel Farage]]? or [[Nicola Sturgeon]]?? Or was Clegg thinking the Liberal Democrats would really end up as the yapping Toto??? The British electorate decided they had enough of that scenario and crushed Clegg and his party at the polls.
   
Knowing his doom, he announced a new policy of muscular liberalism and that before the end of the parliamentary term that he would take up bodybuilding training with the intention of winning the [[Mr Universe]] competition. Shortly after this [[Arnold Schwarzenegger]] announced his intention to become the new leader of the [[Liberal Democrats]]. Arnie's grab for power failed after he was bottled by a drunken Scotsman with ginger hair, called Charlie.
+
Since May 2015, the truly clogged Clegg hasn't said what he will do next. He remains an MP in the House of Commons where he can expect to face a barrage of derision from all his many political opponents and barely any support from what is left of his tiny party. Expect the Cleggy to head off somewhere else soon and out of British Politics. He may end up with his wife in Spain or somewhere else in Europe to make a political return that way. It could happen and then again, porcine aviation is also possible.
   
 
==Footnotes==
 
==Footnotes==

Latest revision as of 00:00, June 2, 2015

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for David Cameron?
“When I said I was against poor people paying high university tuition fees I meant to say I was against poor people.”
~ Clegg justifying his u-turn
Camclegg3

David Cameron as Nick Clegg at CCHQ

“Vote Liberal or I'll shoot my dog”
~ Nick Clegg
“Decided to raise tuition fees with David C. #yolo”
~ Nick Clegg's Twitter
“Go put the kettle on, Clegg.”

Nicholas Gibberish Custard-Tie Teaboy "Nick" Clegg (born 7 January 1967) is the former Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and a former leader of the Liberal Democrat party. He lead his party from the political wilderness in 2010 until they formed a coalition government with the Conservative Party and then returned to the scrub lands and tumbleweed following the Liberal Democrat near wipe out in the 2015 General election.

Bouncywikilogo3
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Nick Clegg.

Clegg's five years of imitating British Prime Minister David Cameron's poodle are now over. A terminal visit to the vet may come next. His party is now leaderless, rudderless, clueless and irrelevant, though to be fair to the Liberals, they have been there before. Following his resignation the Liberal Democrats are leaderless, but are spoilt for choice regarding his successor, as they have no fewer than 8 (oops!), 7 MPs to choose from.

So where did it all go right/wrong for Clegg? Should he have kept the Liberal Democrats unsoiled from genuine political power, keeping to their principles or was it down to trusting the word of the slippery David Cameron[1] Or was Clegg always there to render the Liberal Democrats harmless, the Manchurian Candidate under the direct control of the Conservative party to discredit their old foes the Liberals. Either way, the Lib Dems are now the Lib Dodos, destined to end up inside a specimen jar for curious generations to gawp at in future.

edit Rise to Glory

Nick Clegg is proud of his mixed-up family relations. He has Dutch ancestors and a Spanish wife, despite having a name like 'Clegg' which does sound distinctly Northern England working class. The Clegger's early history includes an incident where he burned down a garden shed in Germany (so that doesn't count) and that he was regular stallion in the bedsheets at university. Clegg was also good at tennis which is perhaps where he should have really gone. England likes its tennis players but only if they lose. Clegg now has gone that but without the tennis elbow and or a bronzed knee look - which is perhaps a shame since he does always like someone who is about to be violenly sea sick.

The young Clegg eventually working at the European Union as fifth banana for the then British EU commissioner Leon Brittan. Former Tory minister Brittan (and now he is dead...you can claim Brittan was the leader of a satanic cult of kiddie fiddlers) was keen for Clegg to join his party and become a Conservative. Clegg said apparently 'not yet but give me 25 years' or words to that affect.

edit Where's Nicky?

Camclegg

"Have you seen David Cameron and Nick Clegg in the same room?"

In a bid to boost the Liberal Democrats election campaign, the party released a series of children's book entitled 'Where's Nicky?' in which youngsters had to search for their favourite party leader amongst other fellow anonymous folk. Illustrations for the book included a well hidden Nick in the House of Commons, at a student demonstration and attending the marriage of Prince William to Kate Middleton. A rather controversial illustration depicted a mass gathering of Liberal MPs at the hanging of former leader Charles Kennedy - emphasising the backstabbing of their formerly loved politicians.

However, it was another example of a catastrophic failure for the Liberal Democrats. After a week after the 'Nicky' series being released, the party realised that children couldn't vote, thus taking a huge chunk out of the campaign budget and being a total waste of time. It didn't help matters when children and adults alike didn't even know what the Liberal Democrat leader looked like.

Conspiracies floating around suggest that this idea was the brainchild of David Cameron, and he knew the consequences anyway, simply in order to destruct the Lib Dems campaign. It worked.

edit Cleggmania

Cinderella Panto

Let us fuck this country up together. 2011 Coalition Poster.

Nobody knows where this brief phenomenon arose from, but spin doctors seem to have identified its origins in the aftermath of the 1st mass debate. Comparisons have been made to the rise of fame of Lady Gaga, and ur mum. The origins of Cleggmania seems to be from the Iceandic volcano that started erupting the day before the television debate. The power of the ash cloud that floated over Britain the next day gave Nick Clegg an apparent angelic glow, and infected anyone that happened to look at him during the TV debate with a virus, which spread to everyone else they talked to afterwards. 99% of people watching were reported to have been infected, and those not watching quickly caught the virus from others talking about Nick Clegg, so by Friday afternoon, 75% of the population had been infected.

Cleggmania also infected David Cameron and Gordon Brown. They began vying for Nick Clegg's electoral favours, constantly agreeing with everything he said, and crying out for his attentions like teenage boys around ur mum. Scientists have subsequently suggested that the viral symptoms were significantly more prominent in people who had the misfortune to stand within 20 feet of Clegg. It appears Clegg was the primary source of the virus, since effects persised after the volcano stopped erupting. Symptoms of Cleggmania (virus Cleggi) include speech impediment (specifically ad nauseum repetition of the phrase 'I agree with Nick' at the beginning of every sentence, in a way that even the most masterful and talented techno musicians cannot contest), as well as becoming transfixed with any remotely good looking politician who presents themselves as 'honest' (despite this being clearly absolutely impossible), disillusionment with Labour, dislike of Conservativism, and a general hatred of politics. Such symptoms have been found in all members of the British population.

Although Cleggmania has now died down, with the introduction of a very effective antidote first given to surplus university students, its after affects are still present in Britain. Political commentators now say Cleggmania was political swine flu and as such expect it not to surface again for several decades, much like the Liberal Democrats.

edit Egg Clegg

In November 2010, senior members of the Liberal Democrats appalled by the ongoing relationship of Clegg and Cameroon stated operation "Egg Clegg". They plan to throw eggs at the Liberal leader in protest at an undisclosed date. A spokesperson for the group, Mr. Charles Kennedy said "we would like to tell you when we plan to pelt him with these farm products, but he might be listening. "We prefer to take him by suprise". Mr. Kennedy added "If we have any spare Egg's left, we may use the excess on Vince Cable". After much thought, it was decided that they would not even waste an egg on the turd.

edit I now agree entirely with David

In a recent interview with Razzle magazine, Clegg brushed aside accusations that his party had u-turned on tuition fees and reneged on just about everything else in their pre-election manifesto by saying:

"Look, we're in coalition and are coping with one the biggest economic catastrophes in modern times.OK, I might be the Andrew Ridgely of British Politics but I enjoy poncing around in ministerial limos, looking all smug and important for the first time ever in my hitherto anonymous little life. I've decided therefore to say "bollocks" to it and agree wholeheartedly with what Dave's now saying instead. Who gives a fiddler's fuck what students think anyway? ... Is that microphone still on? Shit."

edit Achievements

In his role as Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg was able to go everywhere with the impersonation of power. David Cameron called him an 'honourable' friend and pat him on the back when they sat together on the Government front bench to stare at their Labour opponents. This and a swanky house share and access to the gold plated secret bunker underneath No10 were about it. There was a referendum on changing First Past the Post (FPTP) to E&SR (Egg & Spoon Race) where candidates would have to run with a boiled egg whilst dressed in rank furry animal costume to help get the 'kiddies' interested in voting. The British Public said no on that one and that was really it for the Liberal Democrat hopes.

The rest of the coalition passed as a blur with it seems the Liberal end of the coalition getting to announce all the bad stuff (Tax on the First Born, Abolition of Foreigners, The Blow-up Bed Tax) whilst the Tories got the credit for introducing Boris Johnson to public life. It was all a bit unfair but Clegg stuck to his policies...if he hadn't lost them down the back of a sofa.

edit This is the End

In the 2015 May election Clegg really believed his party would survive. He offered to be the 'Dorothy' in a bizarre analogy with the Wizard of Oz. The Liberal Democrats would provide the brains for the Scarecrow Labour Party and a heart for the Tin Man Tories. But then who was the Cowardly Lion? Nigel Farage? or Nicola Sturgeon?? Or was Clegg thinking the Liberal Democrats would really end up as the yapping Toto??? The British electorate decided they had enough of that scenario and crushed Clegg and his party at the polls.

Since May 2015, the truly clogged Clegg hasn't said what he will do next. He remains an MP in the House of Commons where he can expect to face a barrage of derision from all his many political opponents and barely any support from what is left of his tiny party. Expect the Cleggy to head off somewhere else soon and out of British Politics. He may end up with his wife in Spain or somewhere else in Europe to make a political return that way. It could happen and then again, porcine aviation is also possible.

edit Footnotes

  1. We shall crush you down to the point from which there is no coming back. Things will happen to you from which you could not recover, if you lived a thousand years. Never again will you be capable of ordinary human feeling. Everything will be dead inside you. Never again will you be capable of love, or friendship, or joy of living, or laughter, or curiosity, or courage, or integrity. You will be hollow. We shall squeeze you empty, and then fill you with ourselves.
Personal tools
projects