Nick Clegg
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“Nick Clegg? Who the fuck is he?!”
~ Nick Clegg's mother on Nick Clegg
Unbeknownst to the gullible British nation and political sphere, David Cameron is in fact the first person in modern history to have simultaneously led two British political parties. His plan is to sabotage the party, and now he has become leader, will soon deploy a plan for the party to self-destruct. He is a well known atheist and at present still keeping his secret gay love life under wraps. Well he is a Liberal Democrat!! At this moment he hasn't got a flying fuck of winning anything at the next elections.
[edit] Strategy F
David Cameron has developed a third fictional political character in a Labour cabinet minister, David Milliband. His plan is to lead the Labour party in this character after Gordon Brown, and become leader of all three major parties in the British House of Commons.
His goal is then to destruct both the Labour Party and the Liberal Democrats in order to ensure a Tory victory at the next general election. Strategy F, as it is named by Conservative Central Office, had to be chosen because the other strategies required the British public to elect the Conservatives in an honest way, which research shows is no longer a political possibility. Consequently, any opposition had to be infiltrated and eliminated. Even with no political opposition, there are still doubts that the Conservatives will be able to obtain a majority at the next general election.
[edit] Maintaining the illusion
In a private interview, David Cameron explained the difficulties of maintaining this double role. "I'll admit, it's very hard.", he said, "but it only takes a total of two minutes to transform into the character of Clegg. I mostly do it in the Commons changing rooms. It's worth it though. It's also handy (and morbidly entertaining) to find out what is going on in the lives of the top Liberal Democrat team. I tell you, it makes EastEnders look boring! They're all gay pissheads! Sarah Teather is a rug muncher too. The gay mafia sobotaged this party before me, it's just too easy to fool these people! They are, after all, liberals."
Although nobody in the public seems to have noticed the illusion yet, many are noticing distinct similarities between the looks, the dialogue and the political ideas of Cameron and Clegg. Would people really think that Conservatives are that desperate for power to resort to this, though? Surely not!!??
Clegg's wife is actually played by a Polish person and is told to not speak and just smile. She was employed because Conservative Central Office has new quotas and must employ 90% 'foreigners' in order to avoid the 'nasty party' image highlighted by Theresa May. "We need to show that we are no longer like that, or sleazy", said David.
"We couldn't believe it when that Labour election broadcast portrayed me as a Chameleon, we thought Labour HQ had somehow found out about Strategy F. I remember that Liam Fox was shaking like a shitting dog! Fortunately, it was something else. Oh, the relief and the irony! If only they knew! Me and the shadow cabinet were splitting our sides laughing. In fact, Theresa Villiers pissed the chair, ruining the lovely green Commons leather. Incontinent bastard." David explained.
David said he doesn't yet know how he will perform at PMQs as both Prime Minister and Leader of the Opposition once he has taken over leadership of the Labour Party as David Milliband. "Shit, good point," he said, "I'll have to have a good think about that one I guess! I'm currently practising sitting at the Labour cabinet table without knocking Hazel Blears' head off. What a fucking liberty! I can't stand that beast. I think playing the role of somebody in the Labour ranks is going to be a lot harder, as I have to lower my etiquette, standards of English and general demeanour. The whole fucking cabinet room smells of cheese pasties because of that fat bastard Prescott sweating all the time. And Ruth Kelly's pits smell of meat and potato pie, she needs to fucking wash more often. But hey, this is what a history in PR is good for! I will be able to cope.", explained David.
[edit] Sabotaging the Party
As Nick Clegg, his policy plans are to:
- Scrap the pound and join the Ugandan dollar
- Replace the national anthem with YMCA
- Introduce a national minimum price for alcohol (£5 for a pint of beer, £10 for a bottle of wine, unless bought through Ocado)
- Release a charity single with Flo Rida, with the proceeds going to the 'Burn A Book, Save A Tree' fund.
- Ding 80 on World of Warcraft before the next general election.
- Bring back Jade Goody from the dead so she can become the new Minister of Finance.
- Appear on the celebrity version of Takeshi's Castle, dressed only in dignity (and a loincloth).
Barmy British Stuff 
