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This just in. A website called "Uncyclopedia" has written an article on news. This shocking development has captured the attention of tens of people at a time all around the world, and we at INNMOSBC News are dedicated to covering this story for our viewers. But wait screw dat a sec, k, i think Noel Fielding's fascinating story of the face he drew on his Satsuma is far better news. Never Mind the Buzzcocks!!!
According to our sources, news has been around since Garden of Eden where Adam and Eve were reportedly the first journalists. Then, an underterminable amount of time later, they started putting it on newspapers for people to read at their leisure, for a small fee of course. Our researchers have come up with several theories as to the origin of the word "news." CNN specifically is the source of news that is dedicated to destroying any political idea that could help recover the economy, mainly aiming at the big O.
Origins of the word "News"
- An outdated theory put forward by German scientists argued that news does not exist as matter and energy can not be created or destroyed. Since matter cannot be created, it's therefore impossible to create something new; only something different can be created. Only three months after the fall of the Berlin Wall, nothing related to this bullet point happened.
- A newspaper is a collection of pieces of dried, flattened wood pulp upon which items of the day, such as waterbed factory sales notices, movie listings, and the most important current events can be printed.
- News is also the initial of the words, North East West South. This, as we all know, should not be as the adjacent compass points are North East South West. Therefore, news should actually read nesw.
- Interestingly, "news" read backwards is "Swen," a [[Danish]*Another theory has it that "news" comes from the viking word Noos, an ancient word meaning, "To massage a mongoose's genitals." Apparently, this word was in common usage during the early days of England.
- "Quite frankly", the word "news" has been revealed to of been an evolved version of the word "normally crap", whith itself evolved from the sentence "dubious celtic whisky collectors". But they changed the meaning so that "news" doesn't mean "normally crap" (unless your reading The Sun or Daily Star!) (comedy drumming) but instead means the word "new" with a plural just flung on there at the end. Easier for Chavs that must be said.
News in the Middle AgesIn the Middle Ages, people were much less Advanced than we are today, and they had to rely much more on swords, magic, and dwarves and axes and no guns or tanks to do things.
News between then and now
Prior to the colonisation of the American continent by Europeans, the phenomena of News was know simply as "Sss" but in keeping with their standard renaming policies the early settlers changed the term to "New Sss," or "News" for short. Before the invention of the News Broadcast, News was only transmitted in very narrow lines, on specific subjects such as Geneology, Eugeneology, Jennyololgy, Gene Kelly and KY Jelly. Even today, the purpose of news remains a mystery, but is thought to hark back to ancient requirement among tribal cultures that every man, woman and child should have a greater understanding of the opinions of journalists.
In 1683, sir Isaac Newton, then head of the department of Mothermatics and Cambridge University, England, proved that all news was subject to predictable trajectories, governed by the underlying principles of Farce, a term he completely failed to explain. According to Newton, news can be dynamic or exist as a potential, but can only be stopped by an equal and opposing episode of Jerry Springer. It is widely understood that American News is far superior to any other form of news, a fact which is testified to by its utter refusal to consider events beyond its own boarders. However, rare and imported news is becoming increasingly available in recent years as a small and radical movemet takes up the cry for "Newer News." Alas, their numbers are still few, and the majority of diehard enthusiasts still maintain that it is not possible to beat "Good Old News".
News in the 21st Century
News has recently returned to its original state. In a Gutenburgesque process, basic elements are shredded and pulverized, added to a chemically reactive slurry, baked in the sun and dried. The resulting slate is then tinted for a colorizing effect, and presented as raw product to Comedians and Theologians, who then use surrogates to write of obtuse adversities or placid mollycoddling on the slate. Hi how are you? The resulting message is delivered via various means of overpriced connectivity to the masses. Though News is created in much the same fashion as ever before, modern efficiencies assure complete obfuscation. Then he died.
Dangers of News
Recent studies have shown that news can trigger a phenomenon known as supnewchaopanic, a clever French portmanteau which roughly translates to "super news chaos panic" in which people who watch news scramble to buy water, food, batteries, and dirty magazines in preparation for Katrina. It is also hypothesized by some scientists to be the source of weather, as only news channels know what's coming up next. Whether this is true is uncertain. You found a secret! DAM RIGHT I DID! huh? Sometimes, another danger of news is the little mug with the PG Tips logo on it sat on the main blokes desk, which means that ol' Ofcom will have to sue the BBC and ITV or whoever for their little use of subliminal advertising. Not the first time though, who else remembers "where has the knitted character been this week" - a long scandle to make you buy Hary Hill's TV Burp book. And it worked.
News channels, such as Communist News Network, BBC News and the Fox News MaleTV are the four main broadcasters of news on Media. Communist News Network was first started by Casually Nice Necessities from the third dimenson. BBC News was started by Sir BBC along with SIR Bbc and Mr. BBC.co.uk. MaleTV was begun by crazy oversized people with cheese upon them. These three channels form the trinity of Media and the Press is their leader. Without press, they would be anime channels, except that MaleTV would be a Home Design channel and BBC News would be BBC Meows, a cat-care show on SixteenTV. Dont listen to anything on the news, they are here to brainwash you with their mind sapping rays of power, Communist News Network.
In 1857 BBC News 24 got its biggest number of viewers, 6 and 1/3. (Tom Cruise's Great Great Lesser Great Grandfather was watching.)
News of the Future
In the beginning (6000 years ago), mankind was just a huddle of sub-human-chimp-like-neanderthals sat in a muddy puddle swapping da goss. Of course when your only words are ug, ugg, udg, odj, hrrf, hrrrf, eh, and oh it was very difficult to hold an intellectual or philosophical discussion about absolutely anything (I know this because it's fact), that is how The News began. Current events were compressed into headlines followed by mindless scribbles and crude sketches of women in the royal family breasts. This made them happy. That is why the News is the worlds longest running sit-com, and although many of the writers have been criticised for being too wild and unrealistic with their plotting, it still never fails to receive an ever-growing viewing audience, because of its exciting stories and humorous catch phrases (still deprived access to this fantastic comedy show, the people of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, (everyone's favourite People's Republic of Korea) are often depicted as a tad grumpy).
Before looking to the future, as I have promised we might, it's worth reflecting on the "FUCKS News Corporation" (as Jesus Christ - the first century magician and self-professed 'funny guy' said "FUCKS News... coz it duz inits") is the oldest and most respected news institute of all time. Which, despite the recent corruption of it's name to "FOX", they still follow the 20,000 year old tradition of screwing the news, with a conservative twist (it has of course been most famous for publishing The Bible, Bible2-a NEW testament and Four Hundred and Twelve Happy Happy Tales of Bengleforth the Happy Magic Goat).
Anyhoo.... year-2016, with the invention of Sky+, the first television service which allows you to pause, rewind and fast forward live TV journalists eventually left redundant (this did make people very happy, journalists being the most hated people after: bankers, politicians, traffic wardens, bananas, lawyers, bananas and the police - still not quite understood why they didn't do this in 2002 anyway). So by fast forwarding the telly to watch the news, news reporters were then able to learn what they were about to say, thereby allowing them to present the news at minimum cost and without journalism, I know this because I am King of The Future.