From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This just in. A website called "Uncyclopedia" has written an article on news. This shocking development has captured the attention of tens of people at a time all around the world, and we at INNMOSBC News are dedicated to covering this story for our viewers. But wait screw dat a sec, k, i think Noel Fielding's fascinating story of the face he drew on his Satsuma is far better news. Never Mind the Buzzcocks!!!
According to our sources, news has been around since Garden of Eden where Adam and Eve were reportedly the first journalists. Then, an underterminable amount of time later, they started putting it on newspapers for people to read at their leisure, for a small fee of course. Our researchers have come up with several theories as to the origin of the word "news." CNN specifically is the source of news that is dedicated to destroying any political idea that could help recover the economy, mainly aiming at the big O.
Origins of the word "News"
- An outdated theory put forward by German scientists argued that news does not exist as matter and energy can not be created or destroyed. Since matter cannot be created, it's therefore impossible to create something new; only something different can be created. Only three months after the fall of the Berlin Wall, nothing related to this bullet point happened.
- A newspaper is a collection of pieces of dried, flattened wood pulp upon which items of the day, such as waterbed factory sales notices, movie listings, and the most important current events can be printed.
- News is also the initial of the words, North East West South. This, as we all know, should not be as the adjacent compass points are North East South West. Therefore, news should actually read nesw.
- Interestingly, "news" read backwards is "Swen," a [[Danish]*Another theory has it that "news" comes from the viking word Noos, an ancient word meaning, "To massage a mongoose's genitals." Apparently, this word was in common usage during the early days of England.
- "Quite frankly", the word "news" has been revealed to of been an evolved version of the word "normally crap", whith itself evolved from the sentence "dubious celtic whisky collectors". But they changed the meaning so that "news" doesn't mean "normally crap" (unless your reading The Sun or Daily Star!) (comedy drumming) but instead means the word "new" with a plural just flung on there at the end. Easier for Chavs that must be said.
News in the Middle AgesAdvanced than we are today, and they had to rely much more on swords, Fucking magic|magic]], and [[Dwarf|dwarves and axes and no guns or tanks to do things.
News between then and now
Prior to the colonisation of the American continent by Europeans, the phenomena of News was know simply as "Sss" but in keeping with their standard renaming policies the early settlers changed the term to "New Sss," or "News" for short. Before the invention of the News Broadcast, News was only transmitted in very narrow lines, on specific subjects such as Geneology, Eugeneology, Jennyololgy, Gene Kelly and KY Jelly. Even today, the purpose of news remains a mystery, but is thought to hark back to ancient requirement among tribal cultures that every man, woman and child should have a greater understanding of the opinions of journalists.
In 1683, sir Isaac Newton, then head of the department of Mothermatics and Cambridge University, England, proved that all news was subject to predictable trajectories, governed by the underlying principles of Farce, a term he completely failed to explain. According to Newton, news can be dynamic or exist as a potential, but can only be stopped by an equal and opposing episode of Jerry Springer. It is widely understood that American News is far superior to any other form of news, a fact which is testified to by its utter refusal to consider events beyond its own boarders. However, rare and imported news is becoming increasingly available in recent years as a small and radical movemet takes up the cry for "Newer News." Alas, their numbers are still few, and the majority of diehard enthusiasts still maintain that it is not possible to beat "Good Old News".
News in the 21st Century
News has recently returned to its original state. In a Gutenburgesque process, basic elements are shredded and pulverized, added to a chemically reactive slurry, baked in the sun and dried. The resulting slate is then tinted for a colorizing effect, and presented as raw product to Comedians and Theologians, who then use surrogates to write of obtuse adversities or placid mollycoddling on the slate. Hi how are you? The resulting message is delivered via various means of overpriced connectivity to the masses. Though News is created in much the same fashion as ever before, modern efficiencies assure complete obfuscation. Then he died.
Dangers of News
Recent studies have shown that news can trigger a phenomenon known as supnewchaopanic, a clever French portmanteau which roughly translates to "super news chaos panic" in which people who watch news scramble to buy water, food, batteries, and dirty magazines in preparation for Katrina. It is also hypothesized by some scientists to be the source of weather, as only news channels know what's coming up next. Whether this is true is uncertain. You found a secret! DAM RIGHT I DID! huh? Sometimes, another danger of news is the little mug with the PG Tips logo on it sat on the main blokes desk, which means that ol' Ofcom will have to sue the BBC and ITV or whoever for their little use of subliminal advertising. Not the first time though, who else remembers "where has the knitted character been this week" - a long scandle to make you buy Hary Hill's TV Burp book. And it worked.
News channels, such as Communist News Network, BBC News and the Fox News MaleTV are the four main broadcasters of news on Media. Communist News Network was first started by Casually Nice Necessities from the third dimenson. BBC News was started by Sir BBC along with SIR Bbc and Mr. BBC.co.uk. MaleTV was begun by crazy oversized people with cheese upon them. These three channels form the trinity of Media and the Press is their leader. Without press, they would be anime channels, except that MaleTV would be a Home Design channel and BBC News would be BBC Meows, a cat-care show on SixteenTV. Dont listen to anything on the news, they are here to brainwash you with their mind sapping rays of power, Communist News Network.
In 1857 BBC News 24 got its biggest number of viewers, 6 and 1/3. (Tom Cruise's Great Great Lesser Great Grandfather was watching.)