News
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
- See also UnNews
“In Soviet Russia, NEWS READS YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on News
“OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.”
~ Prince Vegeta on On news
“I'm as Happy as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!”
~ That crazy dude from "Network" on the news
“Nazi News Network {NNN}, the most Nein news channel.”
~ {{{2}}}
“I don't care about the budget. I don't care about tax negotiations. I don't want to know what country the fucking pope is in. You show me a hospital that's on fire and people on crutches are jumping off the roof, AND I'M A HAPPY GUY!”
~ George Carlin on News
This just in. A skinny man has just lost weight and is about to play games again. His goal: get fatter. people are wondering why we aren't using his enormous body for warmth. Scientists have concluded that he doesn't have enough for everone.
Contents |
[edit] About the Nazi News Network
They Logged in 1945, after Hitler's downfall, they invented the news.NEIN!!!!! . . .
Nein is the German for the word no.
Up Next: Nazi-Hazardous to your children's health? Stay Tuned.
Origins of the word news:
- An outdated theory put forward by the Nazis argued that news does not exist as matter and energy can not be created or destroyed. Since matter can not be created, its impossible to create something new; only something different can be created. Only three months after the fall of the Berlin Wall, nothing related to this bullet point happened.
- Another theory has it that "news" comes from the japanese word Noos, a middle age word meaning to massage a mongooses' genitals. Apparently this word was in common usage during the early days of eastern journalism.
- A news-paper is a collection of pieces of dried, flattened wood pulp upon which items of the day, such as waterbed factory sales notices and movie listings can be printed.
- Interestingly, "news" read backwards is "Nein," a German word for No stains that collect on the underarms of news reporters during uncomfortably long broadcasts.
- News is also the initials of the words, North East West South. This as we all know should not be, as the adjacent compass points are North East South West. Therefore, 'news' should actually read 'nesw'.
[edit] The Origins of News
News has been around for a very long time. Prior to the colonisation of the American continent by Europeans, the phenomena of News was know simply as "Sss" but in keeping with their standard renaming policies the early settlers changed the term to "New Sss," or "News" for short. Before the invention of the News Broadcast, News was only transmitted in very narrow lines, on specific subjects such as Genealogy, Eugenealogy, Jennyology, Gene Kelly and KY Jelly. Even today, the purpose of news remains a mystery, but is thought to hark back to ancient requirement among tribal cultures that every man, woman and child should have a greater understanding of the opinions of journalists.
In 1683, sir Isaac Newton, then head of the department of Mothermatics and Cambridge University, England, proved that all news was subject to predictable trajectories, governed by the underlying principles of Farce, a term he completely failed to explain. According to Newton, news can be dynamic or exist as a potential, but can only be stopped by an equal and opposing episode of Jerry Springer. It is widely understood that American News is far superior to any other form of news, a fact which is testified to by its utter refusal to consider events beyond its own boarders. However, rare and imported news is becoming increasingly available in recent years as a small and radical movemet takes up the cry for "Newer News." Alas, their numbers are still few, and the majority of diehard enthusiasts still maintain that it is not possible to beat Good Old News. Look for Cabal.
[edit] News In The 21st Century
News has recently returned to its original state. In a Gutenburgesque process, basic elements are shredded and pulverized, added to a chemically reactive slurry, baked in the sun and dried. The resulting slate is then tinted for a colorizing effect, and presented as raw product to Comedians and Theologians, who then use surrogates to write of obtuse adversities or placid mollycoddling on the slate. Hi how are you? The resulting message is delivered via various means of overpriced connectivity to the masses. Though News is created in much the same fashion as ever before, modern efficiencies assure complete obfuscation. Then he died.
[edit] Commonly Broadcast News & Specials
- Everything causes cancer Tell me something I don't know.
- The Harmful effects of eggs
- The Benefits of eggs
- It was the Jews that done it.
- Everything is harmful to your children and only your children
- O.J. Simpson
- President Bush
- The benefits of penis enlargement
- Hitler
- STARS
- Nazi
- Cancer
- Why all kids should be hanged.
- Nein
- Bad News
- Bullying: A national epidemic
- Cilit Bang
- Global Warming
- People Getting Offended By "Merry Christmas"
- Chavs breakiing into cars, shooting or stabbing people who didn't deserve to die and smashing things up.
- The Spice Girls reunion tour
- The Led Zepplin reunion gig
- Billary Clinton
- Effects of Communism on Jews
[edit] Shocking/Sad/Awful/Good/AAAAAA!/Bad/ly drawn News
Above: One example of bad news which occurred during the 2000's, an event which shocked the world
[edit] Dangers of News
Recent studies have shown that news can trigger a phenomenon known as supnewchaopanic, a clever French portmanteau which roughly translates to "super news chaos panic" in which people who watch news scramble to buy water, food, batteries, and dirty magazines in preparation for Katrina. It is also hypothesized by some scientists to be the source of weather, as only news channels know what's coming up next. Whether this is true is uncertain. You found a secret!
[edit] News Channels
News channels, such as NNN, BBC News and the Canadian MaleTV are the three main broadcasters of news on Media. CNN was first started by Casually Nice Necessities from the third dimenson. BBC News was started by Sir BBC along with SIR Bbc and Mr. BBC.co.uk. MaleTV was begun by crazy oversized people with cheese upon them. These three channels form the trinity of Media and the Press is their leader. Without press, they would be anime channels, except that MaleTV would be a Home Design channel and BBC News would be BBC Meows, a cat-care show on SixteenTV
In 1857 BBC News 24 got its biggest number of viewers, 6 and 1/3. (Tom Cruise's Great Great Lesser Great Grandfather was watching.)
[edit] People who watch the News
- Your dad
- Your mom (less then your dad though)
- Grue
- Chuck Norris (he needs to know that he is not funny any more)
- George Bush
- Saddam Hussein (discontinued)
- The person who proudly made this section of the article (because HE is smart)
- Jack Bauer
- Everybody who doesn't know that the news is actually Propaganda
- Both Starsky and Hutch
- Nobody else
- Your Nan & Grandad (obviously)
- Ren and Stimpy
- The Cow
- The Flying Monkey
- Yoshi
- Your little sister
- Your little sister's friend
- The evil Chickens
- Dodo birds
- Aye Ayes
- Garfield
- Chikorita
- Bigfoot
- Bigfoot's Brother, Bigbutt
- An african dictator near you.
[edit] See Also
 This media-related article is a stub. The article submitter may also have been short-handed. You can help Uncyclopedia by expanding it. |
