Newport

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“What? Newport? Oi! That chav's got my wallet!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Newport

“Woh, Oscar Woilde? Y'mean thah bender woh was played by that other bender in tha' film about benders? F**kin' too roight there spa! Any kebab 'appenin clart?”
~ Said chav on Oscar Wilde

Newport/Zooport/The Port/Wales's own Slough/Oh yeah, that place with the bridge (aka the land of Eternally Dammed) is a major cesspit in Wales, Papua New Guinea, the Canary Islands and Guam. Newport generally maintains a good relationship with their close friends Cardiff and Cwmbran, the residents of which reside reguarly meet to exchange wives, drugs and other pleasantries. This marks the time many years ago {in 19 BC) when Cardiff City fans stopped their magic charabanc in the centre of Newport to smash up a branch of Wetherspoons, resulting in a total refit which brought joy to the town's citizens.

Newport accidentally received city status in 2002 when HM the Queen Tony Blair mistook the town for Dubai. This has since induced a general feeling of smugness and indifference in its citizens, not surprising when Newport can also boast the only permanent outdoor circus in the country, home to Newport Gwent Dragons R.F.C.

Chemparkia
The flag of the Drinkers' Republic of Newport. The five-pointed star represents the five branches of Wetherspoons in the city, the Kappa logo represents the chavalry, and the yellow colouring represents urine.

In 2003 a drinkers' militia stormed the city council buildings and declared the establishment on an independent Drinkers' Republic of Newport as a response to the slow progress of implementation of licensing reform. 99 percent of the militiamen died by accidentally shooting themselves in the face in a drunken stupour. However despite this the city-state's independence has been maintained since by a force of one dog (an Alsatian named Bertha), mainly because no-one outside the city really gives a toss. As a result the people of Newport now enjoy compulsory drinking for 27 hours a day and constantly celebrate it through the ritual peeing of pants, and with much vomiting in the streets. The Republican government is noted for its warm relations with Venezuela - in fact President Hugo Chavez has even had the honour of his named being transliterated into townie (his townie name being 'Oogo Chav).

The main source of employment in Newport is the steal industry, closely followed by standing around in the city centre with a faraway lost look in the eyes whilst clutching Iceland carrier bags (this being a particularly popular source of employment for the over-50s). Newportonians refute any evidence that they are in fact, all benefit sponging rats who do nothing but sit on their arses all day, drink White Lightning and bring to birth many doomed children in order to continue harvesting Newport's highest form of income and most beloved resource, the government child benefit. In fact, an ordinance by the National Geographic has decree that these positions may only be taken by residents of the city's prestigious, higher class, Pillgwenlly estate. Some local political analysts (my mate Lloyd down the Jobcentahh) believe this is due to the influence of a criminal fraternity known as the brotherhood of wife beaters and Polish scroungers, which also ensures that a bus serves the estate every 30 seconds.

Regeneration (Rebirth) Of Newport

In 2007 Newport began a 'regeneration' program within the City. This program involves disrupting traffic around the city for the next 7 years and putting new paving slabs down. Recently Newport Borough Council announced the Newport Chav Cull Of 1921 to be reinstated, as a part of the regeneration a coliseum is to be built in the city centre in place of the recently removed Town Pisspot, affectionatly known as 'The Clock'. When the emperor of Newport Sir Chuck Norris, (A fictional lion entrusted with the creation of the city) is satisfied with the rebirth of the city he will Roundhouse kick the Chav populance into the coliseum to fight over an incapacity benefits slip. According to Hindi and Muslim tradition, Newport will be made into a giant seed, that will float over Manhatten; inspiring the documentary often misconcieved as a fictional movie Independance Day. After the city has left it's seed state it will crash back into the Usk and die, thus sprout into a 'new' and 'fresh' City.

The 'Wise Folk' of Newport (Those who're sober from drink and drugs first thing in the morning.) say that this rebirth is brought about by the entirely useless Ryder Cup in which a congregation of Buddhist and Hindi monks gather at the Celtic Manor at the edge of the City to play golf and swim. This event is well publicised, thousands of people flock to watch the monks play golf and the annual Amputee Monk Swim Off is an attraction that few Newportians can resist, the event will be moved from the Celtic Manor to the Coliseum once complete.

Demographics

Population: 1,682,000

Male: 74%

Chavs: 135%

Female: 11%

Cardiffonians: 2% too many

Sheep:294590364928%

Single-celled organisms: 4%

Lesser life-forms: 9%

Human Bushes: 1%

Famous Landmarks

The Transporter Bridge - Built it 1906 as a fairground attraction for the locals. Today the ride is still the most popular in Newport, even beating the climbing frame in Kimberly Park, and costs £15 for adults (£1.20 if you suck off the attendant).

The New Sainsburys - In 2009 Sainsbury's Plc announced a new store opening in 2010/11 as a social experiment. The store which opened in Autumn 2010 has yet to have one paying customer.

Tredegar Park - Billionaire and eccentric dinosaur enthusiast John Hammond, CEO of InGen, created Tredegar Park in 1930, a futuristic theme park populated with dinosaurs cloned from their DNA and taken from fossilized mosquitoes preserved in amber. The park is situated next to the Patent office. For security purposes or to keep Pikies out, the park is surrounded by fifty miles of electric fence, although pikies have found a way into the park near the car park entrance. Tourists are strongly advised to stay away.

The River Usk - When it gets too hot in Newport during the summer residents take a dip in Newport's only pool the Usk. (This is also used by the 6 residents who wash as a bath) *This however is not recommended for tourists as local residents have evolved a toxic resistant gene (CHAV39.7) making them immune from the diseases riddled in the Usk.

Trivia

  • The official language of Newport is the local dialect of townie, which is related to the language of Boyolandic (not to be confused with Welsh).
  • Newport is home to the World's largest Matalan store.
  • 112% of Newport school children surveyed admitted they have no idea where Newport is.
  • Truancy in Newport schools is a perrenial problem. To overcome this, Newport Council has become the only education authority in Wales to introduce mandatory shoplifting and knife-crime classes to the curriculum, in a bid to boost attendance levels.
  • Whereas industry was previously strong in Newport's history, the majority of Newportonians now work on the fiddle, whilst claiming Job Seeker's Allowance for the duration of their adult lives.
  • Newport is built on a large swamp, much of which is visible through cracks in the pavement.
  • Newport is the only city in Britain to have a river consisting entirely of supermarket trolleys and used tyres. High tide regularly causes dozens of deaths, mostly among passers-by who don't know any better.
  • Newport Castle recently achieved World Heritage status as "the most pollution-blackened castle in the world".
  • Newport has many buses which (due to an administrative error) can be admired at Stockport Hat Museum.
  • Newport is home to the first man who could swallow himself whole.
  • Newport is known for dogs which look like their owners. This is particularly true within the homeless community.
  • Newport was almost mentioned as part of the Axis of Evil by George Bush in 2001; however this was avoided when it was agreed to build another McDonalds restaurant in the town centre.
  • In Newport it is illegal for children under 5 to be in a restaurant and not scream.
  • It is widely rumoured that Dot Cotton does all of her shopping in Newport.
  • Newport has more branches of McDonald's than the rest of Wales put together. This is because the chav population would consider that McDonald's is haute cuisine, if they ever found out what that meant.
  • McDonald's down Crindau is the workplace to the most intelligent McDonald's employee in the UK, who is highly qualified with an F grade in GCSE maths, and is lambasted as one of the few in the town to have ever taken an exam.
  • In 2001 the then president of Newport, Brian Obama, declared a two year (min) military service for all Newport youths, requiring all those over 16 to work in either The Celtic Manor, The Patent office or Lloyds TSB before they turn 25. Most residents work in all three eventually but this is not required by law.
  • Newport is so disgusting, it is one of the few places on earth where cockroaches have scurried out of (willingly) in search of a better place, for example, a tramp's anus.
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