From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Newhaven is a coastal port on the Sussex coast famed for its wine, olive groves and fields of sunflowers.

edit History

Newhaven did not exist until 1987 when the River Cuckmere burst its banks during the Great Storm and came out to sea near the tiny village of Mincing. Fishermen, artists and shipbuilders moved in and it quickly became the largest port on the south coast. With regular ferry and hovercraft services to the Isle of Wight, Denmark and Sarawak, Newhaven deserves its nickname "Gateway to the World"

The first Newhaven Bridge was built in 1777 by a local brewer, Thomas Tipsey. The bridge was a huge success and saved people travelling along the coast road a huge detour to Croydon in order to cross the River Cuckmere. Unfortunately in 1998 a huge cormorant built its nest on the bridge and threatened anyone wishing to cross, so a newer bridge had to be built slightly to the north. The old bridge was destroyed apart from a short section where the cormorant still nests.

edit Culture

Newhaven is the home of the Sussex Maurice Dancers, a collection of gentleman called Maurice who provide entertainment in local pubs and clubs. Their headquarters is in the delightful harbour side pub "The Hope" named after their hope that one day someone might take them seriously. Newhaven has an Opera House, three cinemas and two theatres, a library (built in the Rococo style) and several pubs dedicated to poetry and Japanese Theatre.

The Annual Newhaven Film Festival attracts people from as far away as Denton and many of the worlds top film stars and actors have turned down the chance to appear on stage alongside the local Mayor.

edit Newhaven Fort

Built in fairytale Disney style this magical castle was built as a seaside palace for George IV. It sits high on the huge granite cliffs that overlook the port and Seaford Bay. The castle demands magnificent views of the surrounding countryside with medieval villages scattered amongst the vineyards and olive groves. On a clear day you can even see the sea.

edit Lord Lucan

Following the murder of his granny in November 1974, John Bingham, the 7th Earl of Lucan escaped from London on a stolen bicycle which was found abandoned at Newhaven Harbour. Whereas it was widely believed he escaped to the continent, it is now known he actually stayed in the area, staying at the huge "Paris Hilton" Hotel. He later opening up a record shop called 'Denton Island Disks" He was three times Mayor of Newhaven and one time captain of the local football team.

edit Controversy

In 1969 the Highways Agency released plans to surround the centre of Newhaven with a dual-carriage way. When this was built, it was impossible to visit the town centre due to heavy traffic. A small community of people — all of them likewise named Maurice — still live in the town centre but are unable to visit the outside world unless the motorway is closed for road-works.

Today, Newhaven is dominated by a massive Nuclear Power Station rather poorly disguised as an incinerator. It was built without planning permission and without anyone's knowledge. Local councils and politicians deal with complaints by completely denying the facility exists; there are no signs around the building and it does not appear on maps. Staff have to access the power plant by using the extensive network of secret smugglers' tunnels that start in nearby Seaford.

Personal tools