|This article may be a bit Canadian, eh? Americans and Brits may not know much aboot Canuck humour. We suggest trying some poutine and buying a RUSH album. Thanks, eh!|
“And we thought we were hoseheads!”
“Oh me nerves, and I tinked me be Oyrish!”
“You knows nuddin aboot Newfinlind b'y!”
“These pets be reet up me street”
“More Irish than the Irish themselves”
Newfies be known for fooking der mudders and drinking Guinness with der by's.
It's a widely known fact that all Newfies are Cheryl Cole's cousins, this is evidented by the adorably pirate-like, incomprehensible way they speak. Some even believe Cheryl actually created Newfoundland and its inhabitants, much as Bjork created the cold little elves of New Bjork City.
The creators of Jersey Shore are hoping to make a series called Newfie Shore.
Newfies are considered a liability to Toronto Dominion Bank but the truth bees that dey are an asset to Canaduh and to dee world and dey bees hard workin' folks.
All newfies who don't lose they virginity beesfore the age of 14 are kicked off The Rock and exiled to British Columbia.
When a newfie turns retirement age he heads back to the rock fer a liver transplant and then heads out to George Street to end it all.
Newfies eat second breakfast and has it as often as they be gettin' it.
The Newfie food groups are potted meat, cod, beer and whiskey.
Newfies are fond of Caplin, Salt Beef, Cod Tongues, Seal Flipper, and something called a Scruncion. Scruncions may or may not be a type of wharf rat.
Characteristics of Newfies
- Are known for "havin' a time"
- Can fish bedder den ye
- Eats more fish than a cat
- Knows what Regatta Day is and takes it off even when living in Toronto
- Believe that Big Tom will rise from the dead
- Drink only the cheapest beer
- Must say b'y and "me son" a lot
- Learned to walk on George Street
- Calls girls "me duckies"
- Loves to party in the kitchen
- Can switch into ordinary Canadian English on a whim
- Must collect food stamps
- Uses the word fuck in every sentence
- Has at least one friend in Fort McMurray, Alberta
Unlike most other humans, Newfies have a weekly instead of monthly period. This means that Newfies are growing very quickly in population, and soon Alberta, and eventually, the Universe, will be populated only by Newfies and Geordies. Generally speaking, mating happens after two pints of Guinness have been consumed by each party, and the term "Hows you gettin' on cocky?" has been uddered by the Newfie lass.
Da birf rate in Dildo Newfoundland is pretty low dere b'y cause sumtin keeps gettin in dere before 'er hubby gets 'round to'eet.
Important Note: Never says to a newfie chick "Wanna Gobble da Knob", They may initialy smile atcha, but da minute yee turns yer back *BANG*, she'll 'itcha wit a shuvel.
Recent report coming out of Conception Bay indicate that they are recording no births at all, yet everyone leaving Mary Browns feels pregnant after eating there.
- Aye bai - i agree, yes
- Whaddayat - How are you?
- Ducky - my bitch or my ho
- Lord Tundering Jesus - the unique Newfie way to call upon Jeebus
- Cocky - man, from 'penis'
- Townie - a city slicker (from St. John's)
- Stunned as me arse! - really, really fucking stupid
- What odds! - Who the fuck cares! Not me! Pass the Butter!
Genesis in Newfinese
In dees beginnin' God made dee hevinz an dee world. Now dee earth was gettin' formless and empty aye bai, and darkness was over dee surface deep me son? Tundering Jesus' stun breeze was over da water me lad!
He say let there bees light me son! Aye bai, God say you knows yourself me, the light be luh good. Then he cuttin' dee light from the dark, ducky. God called dee light day and dark dee night, gwan bai! Now he havin' a time.
- Sam Gamgee
- Shania Twain
- Donny Dunphy
- Rick Mercer
- George W. Bush
- Your Mom
- Ceiling Cat
- Your Mum
- Dat guy over dere