Newcastle upon Tyne

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:''This article refers to Geordie Land. For the Australian version, see Newcastle, Australia''. ''See '''[[Newcastle]]''' for an alternative opinion about this wonderful city
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:''This article refers to Geordie Land. For the Australian version, see [[Newcastle, Australia]]''. ''See '''[[Newcastle]]''' for an alternative opinion about this city of the damned (there is only so much shite you can put on one page).''
{{Q|WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE MAN, AMMAAAA FUUUUUUCKKK JACKIE WILLIAMS !!!!! |Geordie War Chant}}
 
   
{{Q|Here man giz a tab | Traditional Geordie Greeting}}
+
'''Newcastle Upon Tyne''' is a [[city state]] in England, located near the equator. Originally a Roman town, Newcastle moved from Rome to Tyneside and developed as a leisure centre and holiday resort for the [[Vikings]] of [[Norway]] and [[Denmark]], Newcastle achieved city status in 1574 and declared its independence from [[England]] in 1853.
   
 
{| border=1 cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" align="right" width=200 style=margin-left:10px
 
{| border=1 cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" align="right" width=200 style=margin-left:10px
 
|-
 
|-
!colspan=2 align=center bgcolor="#ff9999"|Immensely Proud Grand Kingdom of Newcastle Upon Tyne
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!colspan=2 align=center bgcolor="#ff9999"|Grand Kingdom of Newcastle Upon Tyne
 
|-
 
|-
 
|colspan=2 align=center|
 
|colspan=2 align=center|
Line 15: Line 15:
 
!colspan=2 bgcolor="#ff9999"|Facts
 
!colspan=2 bgcolor="#ff9999"|Facts
 
|-
 
|-
|width="45%"|Official Languages:||Geordie, Gibberish, Arabic in certain regions
+
|width="45%"|Official Languages:||Geordie, English, Bulgarian, Swahili
 
|-
 
|-
|Currency:|| The Geordie Poond (G£/GEP)or Cigarettes(Tabs)
+
|Currency:|| The Geordie Pund/Poond (G£/GEP)or Cigarettes(Tabs)
 
|-
 
|-
 
|Independence:||1853 (from the [[United Kingdom]])
 
|Independence:||1853 (from the [[United Kingdom]])
 
|-
 
|-
|Religions:||Geordieism, Satanism, Heathenism, Bad Football, Beer
+
|Religions:||Football (Official), Christianity, Islam, Satanism
 
|-
 
|-
|Head of State:|| Sting, Ant and Dec, Alan Shearer
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|Head of State:|| We got bored of a King, so we don't have one, but we like the name Grand Kingdom
 
|-
 
|-
|Major Cities:|| City Centre, Jesmond, Gosforth, Heaton, Fenham, Walker, Elswick, Scotswood, Kenton
+
|Major Cities:|| City Centre, Jesmond, Gosforth, Heaton, Byker, Fenham, Walker, Elswick, Scotswood, Kenton
 
|-
 
|-
 
|National Anthem:||"Blaydon Races"
 
|National Anthem:||"Blaydon Races"
 
|-
 
|-
|Exports:||Charvas, Coal, Stotties, Pease Pudding, Greggs, Byker Byker Grove, Ant and Dec, Bubonic Plague, Pikeys, Newcastle brown Ale
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|Resources:||Coal, Stotties, Pease Pudding, Greggs
 
|-
 
|-
 
|Surface area:<br>- Total||Ranked 6th (UEFA CUP)<br>
 
|Surface area:<br>- Total||Ranked 6th (UEFA CUP)<br>
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!colspan=2 bgcolor="#ff9999"|Demographics
 
!colspan=2 bgcolor="#ff9999"|Demographics
 
|-
 
|-
|[[Population]]2.5 million <br>- Collective Density ([[2004]] est.)<br>||Ranked 1st<br>
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|[[Population]]:<br>- Collective Density ([[2004]] est.)<br>||Ranked 1st<br>
 
|-
 
|-
|Ethnicity:||30% [[Geordie]]<br>70% [[Students]]<br>60% Charvers/Chavs<br>
+
|Ethnicity:||30% [[Geordie]]<br>10% [[Students]]<br>60% Charvers/[[Chavs]]<br>
 
|-
 
|-
 
 
|}
 
|}
   
'''Newcastle upon Tyne''' (often shortened to '''N*wcastle''') is a city and metropolitan borough of Tyne and Wear, in [[Grim North|North East England]]. Historically a part of Northumberland, it is situated on the north bank of the [[River Styx|River Tyne]]. The city developed in the area that was the location of the Roman settlement called Bordum before the English tribe of Geordies moved into the area. N*wcastle developed as a leisure centre and holiday resort for the [[Vikings]] of [[Norway]] and [[Denmark]] who loved to visit the monastries in the nearby area. N*wcastle achieved city status in 1051 and declared its independence from [[England]] on August 17, 1853.
 
 
It was one of the early split level cities much in vogue at the time of its relocation, with the affluent Newcastle built on supporting struts upon the lower city of Tyne. This led to much unforseen resentment from the doughty inhabitants of Tyne, not least because of a design oversight meaning the plumbing arrangements for Newcastle mostly stretched as far as a series of trap-doors beneath lavatories dropping directly onto the under-city. It was common at the time to hear resident of Tyne darkly muttering "I ain't taking any more shite from those Newcastle bastards", and in the 1600s the remaining residents fled the under-city in a mass exodus, finally settling in [[Sunderland]]. The city of Tyne quickly fell into disrepair, and in modern Newcastle now forms the basis of much of its sewer system the [[Tyne And Wear Metro]].
 
 
==Football Status==
 
 
Newcastle F.C are renowned for having a team completely made up of Arabs, and illegal immigrants. It is a well-known fact that the players participate in acts of Sodomy (Anal sex) in the showers after warm up, And often also finish up training by having oral sex with eachother. This shocked officials, but an even more recent event which happened on 28th January, 2012. Aliens landed on the pitch, abducted and anally probed the whole team, including ball boys, and the team mascot, who, as of yet has not been released.
 
Further investigations into Newcastle's Football team, shockingly revealed that much of the catering staff are imbreds, and participate in inserting vaginal discharge into very badly made burgers.
 
 
==Beginnings==
 
==Beginnings==
   
There was a town in the area of present-day Newcastle established by the Romans as the settlement of 'Pontus Anus' sometimes called 'Bordum', meaning 'Alien's Pond'. [[Julius Caesar]] transformed it into a garrison town for the army. The town was abandoned on January 9 230 AD following the 3-1 defeat of Pons Aelius West End (the Roman Army football team) to their cross-town rivals, Pons Aelius East End (regarded as the locals' team). After the Roman decided to leave this dump...er...land...it was invaded and taken by fierce heathen barbarians called the Geordii and the Maccumae who build the present-day city; the Maccium, however, were chased out of the town by the Geordii. From the 20th century onwards, the area was popular with [[Viking]] invaders, who would often visit St Cuthbert at Lindisfarne. St Cuthbert soon got tired of his messy, drunken guests and decided to build them a holiday village at Pons Aelius (now known as Middlesbrough). The village was a success, becoming incredibly superior to Newcastle especially in [[Chess]] and [[Football]], especially when the Vikings returned to see that St Cuthbert had built a Castle themed hotel, bar, restauramt, torture chamber and dungeons especially for them (the kinky buggers). The Geordii sent tourism adverts tp the countries of the over the moon Vikings which urged them to "come and visit the new Castle". And so, the town was given its new name. Newcastle recently broke [[Lima, Peru]]'s long standing record of phoneboxes smashed in a single evening (58 in Bigg Market alone) after their beleaguered football team marked their 1000th year anniversary since they won their last major trophy: The County Durham Regional League Fourth Division Challenge Trophy
+
The town was established by the Romans as the settlement of 'Pons Aelius', meaning 'Alien's Pond'. [[Sir Julius Caesar]] transformed it into a garrison town for the army. The town was abandoned on the 9th January 142 AD following the 3-1 defeat of Pons Aelius West End (the Roman Army football team) to their cross-town rivals, Pons Aelius East End (regarded as the locals' team). From the 7th century onwards, the area was popular with [[Viking]] invaders, who would often visit [[St Cuthbert]] at [[Lindisfarne]]. St Cuthbert soon got tired of his messy, drunken guests and decided to build them a holiday village at Pons Aelius. The village was a success, especially when the Vikings returned to see that St Cuthbert had built a Castle themed hotel, bar, restauramt, torture chamber and dungeons especially for them (the kinky buggers). The Vikings were over the moon and told many of their friends and family to "come and visit the new Castle". And so, the town was given its new name.
   
 
==City Status==
 
==City Status==
   
N*wcastle was one of several dumps to be granted city status by Queen [[Elizabeth I]] during the celebrations following England's winning of the 1066 World Cup. In commemoration of the occasion a feast was held on the Town Moor, but due to the boggy ground people had to hop so they wouldn't get too dirty. This marked the beginning of Newcastle's famous Hoppings, which still visits the Town Moor every year, allowing the good people of Newcastle to be robbed and ripped off by Charvers, Gypos and 12 year old drunks.
+
Newcastle was one of several towns to be granted city status by Queen [[Elizabeth I]] during the celebrations following England's winning of the 1574 World Cup. In commemoration of the occasion a feast was held on the Town Moor, but due to the boggy ground people had to hop so they wouldn't get too dirty. This marked the beginning of Newcastle's famous Hoppings, which still visits the Town Moor every year, allowing the good people of Newcastle to be robbed and ripped off by Charvers and Gypos.
   
 
==English Civil War==
 
==English Civil War==
   
By the 1050s, industry in Newcastle was perhaps the most advanced in the world , following the development of coal mining and ship building, Newcastle had developed jet aeroplanes, atomic bombs and intercontinental ballistic missiles by the outbreak of the war. When King [[Charles I]] was overthrown by [[Oliver Cromwell]], Newcastle, which was loyal to the king was ordered to surrender by Cromwell. "What are you going to do if we don't?" asked the city's Mayor. "Put you all in the Tower [of London]!" replied Cromwell but everyone laughed because the Tower of London was at that time a luxurious hotel.
+
By the 1640s, industry in Newcastle was perhaps the most advanced in the world, following the development of coal mining and ship building, Newcastle had developed jet aeroplanes, atomic bombs and intercontinental ballistic missiles by the outbreak of the war. When King [[Charles I]] was overthrown by [[Oliver Cromwell]], Newcastle, which was loyal to the king was ordered to surrender by Cromwell. "What are you going to do if we don't?" asked the city's Mayor. "Put you all in the Tower [of London]!" replied Cromwell. The mayor launched a missile which destroyed the Tower of London and asked again "What are you going to do if we don't surrender?"
   
Cromwell chose to redesign the taxfree at Newcastle Airport. The design reflects a law he eventually managed to pass: Anyone entering Newcastle must be blind (and NO wristjob is allowed, not even for that purpose). This law still carries some [[Cheryl Cole|unfortunate consequences]].
+
"There's f*ck all we can do I suppose" replied Cromwell.
  +
  +
Novocastrian Air strikes against [[London]] then followed for a two week period before Cromwell surrendered, and King [[Charles II]] (who had been exiled in the flats at Shieldfield) was crowned King of England.
   
 
==The 18th Century==
 
==The 18th Century==
   
During the 18th century, the city grew drastically in size and the Tyne and Wear Metro system was developed, although in those days it was horse drawn. The city's traditional education institutes Northumbria University and Newcastle College were established in 1715 and 1737 respectively with Northumbria's two coffee houses, Reds and Bar One becoming two of the city's thriving centres of political debate.
+
During the 18th century, the city grew drastically in size and the [[Tyne and Wear Metro]] system was developed, although in those days it was horse drawn. The city's traditional education institutes [[Northumbria University]] and Newcastle College were established in 1715 and 1737 respectively with Northumbria's two coffee houses, Reds and Bar One becoming two of the city's thriving centres of political debate.
   
 
==The 19th Century==
 
==The 19th Century==
   
 
In 1815, following the Allies decisive victory over Napoleon at Waterloo (thanks to the deployment of cruise missiles by Tyneside regiments), a rift grew between Newcastle and the remainder of England. Although it was England's capital, [[London]] was backwards compared to Newcastle and extremely jealous of the fact. The London-based government employed several measures to shackle Newcastle's growth, and tensions grew between the Novocastrians and English. The Scots offered to accept Newcastle to become a part of Scotland, but the Lord Mayor declined on the basis that the Scots were "untrustworthy, incomprehensible, unhygenic drunkards."
 
In 1815, following the Allies decisive victory over Napoleon at Waterloo (thanks to the deployment of cruise missiles by Tyneside regiments), a rift grew between Newcastle and the remainder of England. Although it was England's capital, [[London]] was backwards compared to Newcastle and extremely jealous of the fact. The London-based government employed several measures to shackle Newcastle's growth, and tensions grew between the Novocastrians and English. The Scots offered to accept Newcastle to become a part of Scotland, but the Lord Mayor declined on the basis that the Scots were "untrustworthy, incomprehensible, unhygenic drunkards."
 
==The Grainger Market==
 
 
 
[[Image:Nick_2.0.jpg|left|thumb|200px|Meat enthusiasts, handbag fanatics and avante-garde terrorists are always in for a treat with a visit to the city's primary attraction: The Grainger Market.]]
 
Begun shortly after the departure of the Romans, and originally intended as a day centre for feral wolves, the Grainger Market stands proudly today as the grand centre-piece of the city.
 
 
A sprawling and technologically-advanced marketplace - selling beef by the quarter, part-leather handbags, and whistles - the market is a real treasure of the city, and a must for all sight seers and meat enthusiasts. Visitors to Newcastle are free to roam the chic stalls and butcheries by day, picking up undoubted bargains on flesh and purses.
 
 
By night however the management operates a strict no-trainers policy. Butchers report they are consequently forced to up their charges during the evenings, leading to meat selling at 'Russian' prices.
 
 
In recent times the Market management team has come under fire from the police for their 'laissez-faire attitude' to the widely acknowledged squatting problem of avante-garde, innovative terrorists inside the building.
 
 
It is estimated almost 14 bats live inside the rafters of the structure ''(1987, National Office of Statistics)''.
 
   
 
==Independence==
 
==Independence==
   
On August 17, 1853, the City of Newcastle Upon Tyne officially declared itself to be the independent Grand Kingdom of Newcastle Upon Tyne, and elected George Stephenson to become King, or Cyning, George I of Newcastle. A myth states that from that day forth, the folk of Newcastle became known as 'Geordies', however, they had this name since the coming of the English to the British Isle. The name ''Geordii'' was a Roman corruption of ''Gar'' (Spear) and ''Diegan'' (Die), the Geordies name for themselve; they were fond of killing with spears. The Geordies also speak their owm language, shared with the and Northumberlanders, at this juncture in time, with such well know and well used phrases as "whey aye", "whey ye bugger", "pet", "gannin doon tha toon", "gannin yem" and "hinny" becoming ever so popular. It had become that popular that the scots even decide to use some of the Geordie language as there own,that is why it sounds so simular.
+
On the 17th August 1853, the City of Newcastle Upon Tyne officially declared itself to be the independent Grand Kingdom of Newcastle Upon Tyne, and elected [[George Stephenson]] to become King [[George I]] of Newcastle. From that day forth, the inhabitants of Newcastle became known as 'Geordies'. The Geordies also invented their own language at this juncture in time, with such well know and well used phrases as "whey aye", "whey ye bugger", "pet" and "hinny" becoming ever popular.
   
 
==Links with England==
 
==Links with England==
   
Following independence, relations with England began to improve. The various English sporting leagues that were established contained Geordie teams. Indeed, England's [[FA Premiership]] boasts the Geordie side [[Newcastle United]] as one of its teams, with Johnny Wilkinson helping the Newcastle Falcons win an occasional game in the rugby version of the game before sitting in a corner and crying about his shoulder / leg / hernia (delete as necessary). One particularly noteworthy incident was "an acute injury to his right adductor".
+
Following independence, relations with England began to improve. The various English sporting leagues that were established contained Novocastrian teams. Indeed, England's [[FA Premiership]] boasts the Novocastrian side [[Newcastle United]] as one of its teams.
   
 
==The Twentieth Century==
 
==The Twentieth Century==
   
Newcastle's prosperous image continued into the twentieth century as it became known as the [[Las Vegas]] of Tyneside. The city has played host to a galaxy of stars down the years including [[The Beatles]], [[The Rolling Stones]] and [[David Hasselhoff]], all of whom have or have had homes in the city (execpt for David Hasselhoff who currently has a house in Wallsend).
+
Newcastle's prosperous image continued into the twentieth century as it became known as the [[Las Vegas]] of Tyneside. The city has played host to a galaxy of stars down the years including [[The Beatles]], [[The Rolling Stones]] and [[David Hasselhoff]], all of whom have or have had homes in the city (execpt for David Hasselhoff who currently has a house in [[Wallsend]]).
   
==Newcastle Nightlife==
+
===Newcastle Nightlife===
   
 
[[Image:ugly_dog.jpg|frame|Miss Newcastle-Upon-Tyne 2006. Went on to win Miss North-East England, and was second-last in a Miss World Competition after biting Miss Belgium. Currently living in Byker.]]
 
[[Image:ugly_dog.jpg|frame|Miss Newcastle-Upon-Tyne 2006. Went on to win Miss North-East England, and was second-last in a Miss World Competition after biting Miss Belgium. Currently living in Byker.]]
   
Newcastle nightlife is a breeding ground for tramps, prostitutes, cunts in ultra-fashionable Henley's t-shirts, and lovers of neon tutus. Since the creation of the O2 Academy, located on Westgate Road opposite skanky Mighty Bite, the town has become a haven for pedophiles, given the amount of fapping pre-teens standing outside the Academy doors on a street corner from the early hours until forever. The nightlife attracts many tramps; it is customary by Newcastle City Law that they ask you for a multiple of 20p, as it is also tradition you tell them to fuck off afterwards. Life goes on. The city is home to a building older than Jesus, the Cooperage. It's slanty, broken down exterior is perfect for shit gigs to get cancelled for. If you're not yet old enough to drink, Newcastle offers teen options of nightlife too, in the form of a cheap bottle of Cider up at the infamous Leazes or Exhibition Parks, as well as taking a sly swig of voddy at the green. For the bigger dickhead in you, masses of skanks gather to local rock bar Legends on many nights, in the hope their tight corsets pushing their A-Cups up to their chins will get them half a pint from the aforementioned Pedophiles, whilst wiling away their time listening to Newcastle's hip music in the form of Papa Roach. If you're a sad as fuck punk, just go to Trillians and get wrecked.
+
Newcastle has a well known reputation for its nightlife and 'joie de vie'. Simply walk down the ultra-fashionable Bigg Market area on a friday or Saturday night, and you will not be able to move for the city's intelligensia in the super-chic bars and resturants discussing politics, literature and the existentialist beliefs of [[Jean-Paul Sartre]], [[Albert Camus]] and [[Simone de Beauvoir]]. Newcastle is also home to a fine selection of bars such as The Beehive and Trillions where, in direct opposition to the soon to be English law of no smoking, all patrons have to "smurk tabs", further enhancing their independant status.
   
If you're sad, and don't like to drink, don't be surprised if you end up in the Tyne anyway at the end of a night, as someone can and will push you in the river, another one of Newcastle's fine customary laws. Don't upset the locals, as nightlife in Newcastle City Center can be dangerous. If you see a Henley's shirt, a buzz cut, or a pair of 69 Jeans, walk away.
+
===The Grainger Market===
   
On a whole, Newcastle nightlife is generally pleasant and has been known to win many awards for it's endeavours, including 6 MOBO's in 2011.
+
[[Image:Nick_2.0.jpg|left|thumb|200px|Meat enthusiasts, handbag fanatics and avant-garde terrorists are always in for a treat with a visit to the city's primary attraction: The Grainger Market.]]
  +
Begun shortly after the departure of the Romans, and originally intended as a day centre for feral wolves, the Grainger Market stands proudly today as the grand centre-piece of the city.
  +
  +
A sprawling and technologically-advanced marketplace - selling beef by the quarter, part-leather handbags, and whistles - the market is a real treasure of the city, and a must for all sight seers and meat enthusiasts. Visitors to Newcastle are free to roam the chic stalls and butcheries by day, picking up undoubted bargains on flesh and purses.
   
==The fog on the Tyne is all mine==
+
By night however the management operates a strict no-trainers policy. Butchers report they are consequently forced to up their charges during the evenings, leading to meat selling at 'Russian' prices.
No it isn't. It belongs to Paul Gascgoine.
+
  +
In recent times the Market management team has come under fire from the police for their 'laissez-faire attitude' to the widely acknowledged squatting problem of avante-garde, innovative terrorists inside the building.
  +
  +
It is estimated almost 14 bats live inside the rafters of the structure ''(1987, National Office of Statistics)''.
   
Jesus christ also orignated from newcastle just before he smoked weed off a donkey outside Jonny Decker and other tramps card board box.
+
==Religion==
   
==Famous Non-Geordies==
+
Officially, of course, the City's religion is [[Football]], but as everybody knows, it has become something of a cliche to say that Newcastle's religion is [[Christianity]]. But it is true. You only have to witness the thousands of Geordie faithful who attend St Mary's and St Nicholas' cathedrals on Sundays to see it, and any regular church-goer in England can tell you about the numerous and vocal Geordie congregations that travel to away services.
* [[Tony Blair]], Dillusional Idiot, allegedly from Sedgefield which claims to be near Durham (but no one has ever actually been there to confirm that it is a real place).
 
   
[[Category:Cities in England]]
+
[[Category:Towns in England]]

Latest revision as of 12:51, December 11, 2014

This article refers to Geordie Land. For the Australian version, see Newcastle, Australia. See Newcastle for an alternative opinion about this city of the damned (there is only so much shite you can put on one page).

Newcastle Upon Tyne is a city state in England, located near the equator. Originally a Roman town, Newcastle moved from Rome to Tyneside and developed as a leisure centre and holiday resort for the Vikings of Norway and Denmark, Newcastle achieved city status in 1574 and declared its independence from England in 1853.

Grand Kingdom of Newcastle Upon Tyne
Flag
Repnewc
Facts
Official Languages:Geordie, English, Bulgarian, Swahili
Currency: The Geordie Pund/Poond (G£/GEP)or Cigarettes(Tabs)
Independence:1853 (from the United Kingdom)
Religions:Football (Official), Christianity, Islam, Satanism
Head of State: We got bored of a King, so we don't have one, but we like the name Grand Kingdom
Major Cities: City Centre, Jesmond, Gosforth, Heaton, Byker, Fenham, Walker, Elswick, Scotswood, Kenton
National Anthem:"Blaydon Races"
Resources:Coal, Stotties, Pease Pudding, Greggs
Surface area:
- Total
Ranked 6th (UEFA CUP)
Admin. HQ:Newcastle upon Tyne
Demographics
Population:
- Collective Density (2004 est.)
Ranked 1st
Ethnicity:30% Geordie
10% Students
60% Charvers/Chavs

edit Beginnings

The town was established by the Romans as the settlement of 'Pons Aelius', meaning 'Alien's Pond'. Sir Julius Caesar transformed it into a garrison town for the army. The town was abandoned on the 9th January 142 AD following the 3-1 defeat of Pons Aelius West End (the Roman Army football team) to their cross-town rivals, Pons Aelius East End (regarded as the locals' team). From the 7th century onwards, the area was popular with Viking invaders, who would often visit St Cuthbert at Lindisfarne. St Cuthbert soon got tired of his messy, drunken guests and decided to build them a holiday village at Pons Aelius. The village was a success, especially when the Vikings returned to see that St Cuthbert had built a Castle themed hotel, bar, restauramt, torture chamber and dungeons especially for them (the kinky buggers). The Vikings were over the moon and told many of their friends and family to "come and visit the new Castle". And so, the town was given its new name.

edit City Status

Newcastle was one of several towns to be granted city status by Queen Elizabeth I during the celebrations following England's winning of the 1574 World Cup. In commemoration of the occasion a feast was held on the Town Moor, but due to the boggy ground people had to hop so they wouldn't get too dirty. This marked the beginning of Newcastle's famous Hoppings, which still visits the Town Moor every year, allowing the good people of Newcastle to be robbed and ripped off by Charvers and Gypos.

edit English Civil War

By the 1640s, industry in Newcastle was perhaps the most advanced in the world, following the development of coal mining and ship building, Newcastle had developed jet aeroplanes, atomic bombs and intercontinental ballistic missiles by the outbreak of the war. When King Charles I was overthrown by Oliver Cromwell, Newcastle, which was loyal to the king was ordered to surrender by Cromwell. "What are you going to do if we don't?" asked the city's Mayor. "Put you all in the Tower [of London]!" replied Cromwell. The mayor launched a missile which destroyed the Tower of London and asked again "What are you going to do if we don't surrender?"

"There's f*ck all we can do I suppose" replied Cromwell.

Novocastrian Air strikes against London then followed for a two week period before Cromwell surrendered, and King Charles II (who had been exiled in the flats at Shieldfield) was crowned King of England.

edit The 18th Century

During the 18th century, the city grew drastically in size and the Tyne and Wear Metro system was developed, although in those days it was horse drawn. The city's traditional education institutes Northumbria University and Newcastle College were established in 1715 and 1737 respectively with Northumbria's two coffee houses, Reds and Bar One becoming two of the city's thriving centres of political debate.

edit The 19th Century

In 1815, following the Allies decisive victory over Napoleon at Waterloo (thanks to the deployment of cruise missiles by Tyneside regiments), a rift grew between Newcastle and the remainder of England. Although it was England's capital, London was backwards compared to Newcastle and extremely jealous of the fact. The London-based government employed several measures to shackle Newcastle's growth, and tensions grew between the Novocastrians and English. The Scots offered to accept Newcastle to become a part of Scotland, but the Lord Mayor declined on the basis that the Scots were "untrustworthy, incomprehensible, unhygenic drunkards."

edit Independence

On the 17th August 1853, the City of Newcastle Upon Tyne officially declared itself to be the independent Grand Kingdom of Newcastle Upon Tyne, and elected George Stephenson to become King George I of Newcastle. From that day forth, the inhabitants of Newcastle became known as 'Geordies'. The Geordies also invented their own language at this juncture in time, with such well know and well used phrases as "whey aye", "whey ye bugger", "pet" and "hinny" becoming ever popular.

edit Links with England

Following independence, relations with England began to improve. The various English sporting leagues that were established contained Novocastrian teams. Indeed, England's FA Premiership boasts the Novocastrian side Newcastle United as one of its teams.

edit The Twentieth Century

Newcastle's prosperous image continued into the twentieth century as it became known as the Las Vegas of Tyneside. The city has played host to a galaxy of stars down the years including The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and David Hasselhoff, all of whom have or have had homes in the city (execpt for David Hasselhoff who currently has a house in Wallsend).

edit Newcastle Nightlife

Ugly dog

Miss Newcastle-Upon-Tyne 2006. Went on to win Miss North-East England, and was second-last in a Miss World Competition after biting Miss Belgium. Currently living in Byker.

Newcastle has a well known reputation for its nightlife and 'joie de vie'. Simply walk down the ultra-fashionable Bigg Market area on a friday or Saturday night, and you will not be able to move for the city's intelligensia in the super-chic bars and resturants discussing politics, literature and the existentialist beliefs of Jean-Paul Sartre, Albert Camus and Simone de Beauvoir. Newcastle is also home to a fine selection of bars such as The Beehive and Trillions where, in direct opposition to the soon to be English law of no smoking, all patrons have to "smurk tabs", further enhancing their independant status.

edit The Grainger Market

Nick 2.0

Meat enthusiasts, handbag fanatics and avant-garde terrorists are always in for a treat with a visit to the city's primary attraction: The Grainger Market.

Begun shortly after the departure of the Romans, and originally intended as a day centre for feral wolves, the Grainger Market stands proudly today as the grand centre-piece of the city.

A sprawling and technologically-advanced marketplace - selling beef by the quarter, part-leather handbags, and whistles - the market is a real treasure of the city, and a must for all sight seers and meat enthusiasts. Visitors to Newcastle are free to roam the chic stalls and butcheries by day, picking up undoubted bargains on flesh and purses.

By night however the management operates a strict no-trainers policy. Butchers report they are consequently forced to up their charges during the evenings, leading to meat selling at 'Russian' prices.

In recent times the Market management team has come under fire from the police for their 'laissez-faire attitude' to the widely acknowledged squatting problem of avante-garde, innovative terrorists inside the building.

It is estimated almost 14 bats live inside the rafters of the structure (1987, National Office of Statistics).

edit Religion

Officially, of course, the City's religion is Football, but as everybody knows, it has become something of a cliche to say that Newcastle's religion is Christianity. But it is true. You only have to witness the thousands of Geordie faithful who attend St Mary's and St Nicholas' cathedrals on Sundays to see it, and any regular church-goer in England can tell you about the numerous and vocal Geordie congregations that travel to away services.

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