Newcastle under Lyme
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“In Soviet Russia, Newcastle under Lyme lives in YOU!!”
“What's the difference between Newcastle-under-Lyme and three dead babies? I've never entered Newcastle-under-Lyme.”
Whenever the word "Newcastle" is mentioned, the mind immediately wanders towards the Northern delight of Geordieland; however, in all of our hearts reigns the Newcastle situated in the West Midlands; the "t'other Newcastle". For years there have been speculations over why there are two places both entitled Newcastle and the truth has finally come about.
Foundation and Early Years
It is thought that centuries ago, two brothers of the surname Newcastle resided somewhere around Leeds; both dreamed of a new town which together they would run for those who also pictured a better life. However, siblings as they were, naturally they disagreed on the details of the plan. One wished to trek further north, so north, in fact, that he could pretend to not be in England at all. The other brother, though, wished to be a real part of England, somewhere which wasn't too far from the other areas and so in an understanding that they would never agree, both brothers set off to form their own separate towns. The one thing that the brothers had agreed on was that placing their town next to a river would be the ideal setting so the first brother found the river Tyne and built a city upon it; he fulfilled his aim that they were practically not in England, the citizens even having their own dialect.
The second brother; however, unable to find a river, invented the "Lyme" and set his town, unusually, beneath it. Determined as he was to build his town towards the middle of the country, he foolishly overlooked any other desires that his town's citizens would need and so his town resided a little too close for comfort to the city of Stoke-on-Trent and so his town became the "forgotten Newcastle" if for no other reason that people feared that to remember it would be almost as bad as to revisit it.
Newcastle-under-Lyme began as a haven for the richer and more educated population of Stoke-on-Trent (which isn't saying much). Basically, an overgrown cesspit, the town would look like a complete shit hole had someone not stuck it next door to Stoke. The town enabled them to continue to live in the area that they were publicly ashamed of, yet have an alternative postal address for weekends away.
The Town was founded upon a doctrine of false wealth, and boasts a public/independent school and a slightly more upmarket cinema than the Odeon Cinema three miles away in Hanley. Today the town has been corrupted by what the old elites have ironically dubbed the 'intelligensia' (a term coined by Lord Peter Cash, well respected local legend and man with a great passion for children) or chavs as the rest of the population would call them. The terming of the chavs as 'the intelligensia' is yet another shroud for Newcastillians to refer to these unsavoury peoples in conversation with members of the outside world.
The population of the town has grown considerably in the last decade, with census statistics listing the residential population of the town as over 500,000. However, the actual population figure is nearer 29,000. This anomaly is due to the growing desire for the 'new rich' of Stoke-on-Trent to be associated with the less well-known town. As yet, Newcastle-under-Lyme does not appear on any maps, although it is rumoured to be situated somewhere near the cheap Chinese on the London Road - a small team of cartographers are due to conduct a survey in due course to add clarity to this assumption.
The town is divided into two by Alterrac Valley (affectionately known by locals as the Westlands) and Mount Pleasant. On one side live the rich who look down at the poor of Stoke, and on Mount Pleasant reside the Philosopher Kings who are forced to limit their existence to bigoted whining and provision skirmishes to the local Morrisons.
A campaign to link the town by road and other transport links, called 'There and back again' is beginning to gather momentum in the area.
Famous Faces and Local Lore
Appart from the aformentioned Lord Cash, there have been three major celebrities throughout the history of the town. Lord Lucan currently resides in Newcastle-under-Lyme just across from Boots, where he has happily lived for many years with his wife and five children. There are weekly parades in his honour; however, attendance is poor, and nobody outside the town cares or is informed of these events. Perhaps the most major contributor to the life of the town is Joe Soaps. His squeaky clean personality and constant smile provided many a smile to motorists and swimmers alike. Unfortunately, due to facial fatigue, Mr. Soaps retired giving up his throne of most celebrated individual to Lord Summerisle who currently takes charge of the town's annual barbecue, and owns the town's chain of wicker furniture stores.
Newcastle Culture and food
The cuisine in newcastle mainly consists of Subway and McDonalds, which is the main attractions to 'chavs' or 'chavettes', although some families tend to visit these places during the summer months between 1 p.m and 3 p.m when local 'chavs' have migrated towards Lyme Valley for heat and more open mating grounds. Also popular are the many bakeries which are not popular with local chavs in their packs as they do not understand how pastry works and tend to think of it as black witchcraft.
Culture around Newcastle is very varied, with the cinema showing fuck all and Wilkinsons selling only the finest gardening tools, which will undoubtedly be used in guerrilla warfare against the chavs by the skaters in the summer when the former invades their 'patch'. The market sells a variety of worthless shit that never seems to change, including that military stall that is run by the Vietnam veteran and his flashbacks.
A great many youths migrate from surrounding areas to Newcastle on Saturdays. It is a recent discovery and has scientists baffled; why the fuck would anyone want to come to Newcastle on Saturdays? These discoveries were made when several Stonish adolescents were caught in a bear-baiting, non-lethal net (see below). Scientists now capture the youths and see how they react to cold muddy fields full of cow excrement. Due to Stone also being a shit hole, they should be used to rolling around naked in sludge, whereas Newcastlians often break down in bewilderment and fear.
Bear bating is the slang term for an activitey that may involve hunting youths in and around the streets of newcastle. This is a vary popular sport, especially around the summer when bear-baters can use pick up trucks to pursue the youths on the plains of 'upper' lyme-valley. This is often done with many angry disgruntled men in the back with pitchforks and rifles. Police tend to spectate the sport, often placing major bets on different bear baters. The most valuable hunts are shown below.
From most valuable to least valuable but still pretty valuable:
- The Stonish
- Andy McNab
- Santa's Elves
- Skaters under 1m tall
- Scottish football fans
- I can't believe it's not butter
Fun Facts about Newcastle-under-Lyme
- It is the only town known to exist outside the Matrix, but unlike Zion no-one cares and it is thus untroubled.
- It is the only town whose clock chimes midnight at 11.20am.
- It is the only town to have more kebab shops than domestic Pets per person.
- 'The Hills have Eyes' was based on the people of Newcastle-under-Lyme.
- Hitler secretly admired the people of Newcastle under lyme until he visited there.
- 84% of people walking through Newcastle on a friday night after 11p.m are shot dead.
- It is illegal to wear both shoes whilst on the toilet at any one time. One left/right shoe is OK but frowned upon.
- The Russians invaded in the late 70s and coalition forces invaded in 2003 due to alledged weapons of mass destruction being contructed by the locals.
- Osama Bin Laden owns a holiday home here.
It holds the record for most chewing gum infested pavements, 2 gobs of gum per square foot.