Newcastle United

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Newcastle United are a football (barely) team who constantly believe they should be in the top six, making every season a bad one. [edit] Beginnings “Worst Soccer player Ever” ~ Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons on Michael Owen “Worst Football team Ever” ~ Oscar Wilde on Newcastle United Newcastle United is an asylum in the North East of England which rehabilitates mentally retarded people from the surrounding area (found in abundance), through various activities and sports, the most prominent of which being football. It was the first club in the world to be formed back in 142 AD under their previous name of Julius Caeser East End, this was where the soon to be great footballer Jesus met Allah. Their first game was on January 8 that same year, when they beat local rivals and the second oldest club in the world, Pons Aelius West End 2-1. East End's dominance in world football was to last over 1 year as West End (a Roman Army team) was disbanded the very next day as the Roman Army abandoned Britain. During this long period, the club travelled far and wide in search of opponents. In 1652, United were crowned world champions following their victory over a select XI from the Seven Nations of the Iroquois whilst on a tour of North America. they also like to have orgies in the showers after games

Newcastle United Footbaaaaall Club The Black and White shirts Founded:142 AD Ground: St James' Park Newcastle Upon Tyne Capacity: 10 seats Manager: Alan "Kiddyfiddle" Shearer Owner: Mike "Doctor Unpopular" Ashley Sporting Ambassador: His Excellency Sir Alan Shearer Club Legend: Alan Shearer League: FA Premier League Colours: Black & White striped shirts, Black Shorts & Black Socks Kit Supplier: Der Adolf Dazler Fussballschtrippenmanufakturung Sponsor: Northern Cock King: Alan Shearer Proposed Messiah: Alan Shearer

[edit] Club Colours

The club played in a number of colours before adopting their famous black and white stripes. The origin of the colours being adopted is a legendary tale on Tyneside. Club Captain Lord Archibald Bulls-Knacker, 7th Duke of Walker was invited to a well to do fancy dress party, attended by a host of celebrities of the day, including His Majesty King Victoria. Bulls-Knacker had gone to the party as a zebra. The following morning he awoke still blind drunk in a hedge and stumbled home to his mansion on the fashionable Scrogg Road. Bulls-Knacker got changed, had a shit, a wank, a shower and a shave and then returned his outfit to the fancy dress shop. Only he had in fact returned the club strips (back in those days, the club captain was legally obliged to wash all the strips and have sex with the other players' wives). Realising his mistake and with a vital game just five minutes away, Bulls-Knacker had no alternative but to fashion some shirts from his Zebra outfit. From that day forth, the club were affectionately known by their now famous nickname 'The Black and White Zebras'.

Another interesting fact is that Juventus (a gambling organisation from somewhere near Italy) once managed to intercept a whole crate of stolen Newcastle United shirts, and claim them as their own. When pressed by the authorities, the then chairman, or mafioso Dom DaMauritio, simply denied all allogations and stated that they merely found them in an olive tree. This could not be disproved as it is a well known fact that olive trees are abundant in Italy and very hard to predict, so all accusations were dropped. (They would have just bribed the jury anyway...)

[edit] 1900 to 1992

Newcastle United existed, but no current fans can confirm this. Four league titles, six fa cups, one European trophy, first club to average 50 000 a season. Top six best supported English clubs all time> Yeah not much happening then like.

[edit] 1992-2007

This is the year Newcastle United was formed, this is proved to be accurate as detailed above although it should be noted that before this time there really was fuck all to talk about so people choose to re write history and choose 1992 for the date of Newcastle Uniteds creation, anyway moving on. Keegan saved Newcastle from relegation to the old third division on the final day of the 1991/92 season and the following season was able to guide the team via an elaborate escape tunnel (in which dirt was hidden in the ceilings of the St James' Park offices) to the Premiership. The club's fortunes under Keegan and Sir John were on the up as player after player arrived to join the Tyneside revolution. Over the next several years, United took the Premiership by storm and in the summer of 1996, United paid a world record £15 fee to bring the Geordie born goal ace, U2 Frontman and star of 'The Apprentice, Alan Shearer home. Shearer stayed at United for 10 fantastic minutes in which time he became the world's highest ever goalscorer, came back from 15 career threatening and 10 life threatening injuries, developed a plan with Bob Geldof to rid the third world of debt and poverty, had bust ups with the dark forces of Ruud Gullit and Craig Bellamy, evicted unlawful squatter, Graeme Souness and led United to a very lucky 4-1 victory over the forces of evil.

Disaster struck for United at the 2006 World Cup when England striker Michael Owen, ruptured knee ligaments. Club Chairman, Freddy Fat-Fuck (otherwise known as Jabba the Hutt) was furious demanding at least 19 million Greggs Steak Bakes from the FA as compensation. The club sent Owen to have a bionic knee fitted which allows him to run at 300 MPH (marginally slower than his normal pace) and stop opponents by activating laser death rays. Thankfully the Sugar Puff Honey Monster was fit and filled the breach perfectly.

The following season, things looked dull for our "heroic" team. With Glenn Rodent and Fat 'Jabba' Freddy at the helm, United plunged into the sticky mess that is the bottom half of the Premiership (thats anywhere below Chelsea FC or Manchester United who are the best teams in the world and take up exactly half the league.). Disheartened, the fans became outraged, and are now rioting every week (instead of the ususal 3 times a month) this is much to the joy of Sunderland fans, who, to be honest, don't ever really have much to celebrate. Bad signings like Albert Luque (who we believe to be from somewhere near Dartford), Damien's Duff, Antoine Sibierski (another french slap-head) and Titus Aurelious Uselessious Bramble (one of the remaining Team from the Roman Ages) led the side down a bad road, and made the team not so much play football, as look like a mid-afternoon jog for pensioners, and cripples.

One small ray of light amongst all of this footballing darkness was the superb slapstick comedy produced by that now legendary defensive pairing of Jean-Alain Boumsong and Titus 'That's another fine mess you've gotten me into' Bramble. Their routines lying somewhere between Buster Keaton and Fatty Arbuckle, Boumsong and Bramble had an almost telepathic mis-understanding of each other, the rest of the squad and the game of football in general. Boumsong was shipped off to Juventus for the then record fee of half a Milky Way and a pat on the back and Titus went to Wigan Athletic where he remains to this day, albeit in the slightly less important role of tea boy. Hope remains that he will return to premiership action and rumours of a move to Sunderland have proved to be not entirely unfounded as Roy Keane has publicly stated that he thinks Titus is 'pure mint' and would love to sign him not only to bolster Sunderland's back four but also to take over dog walking duties on Thursday afternoons. Another interesting point of note is the fact that Bramble was the first premiership player to wear Dr Martin boots instead of the more mainstream football boots worn by other players.

[edit] The Shearer Prophecy

The one belief of Newcastle United supporters that keeps them breathing every day is that the great Alan Shearer will one day return to Newcastle. Nobody knows when this second coming will occur but many believe that it will be after Shearers front lock of hair will of gained full independence from the rest of his head.

Kevin Keegan will of come and gone a further 7 more times, Mike Ashley will of sold the club to the local circus and the club will finish 17th 5 more times before this can happen.

[edit] Recent Events

The disappointing 2006/07 season culminated in Rodent's forced resignation following the penultimate game of the season. After much rumour and specualtion, Jabba agreed to share his vast quantity of steak bakes and other Greggs pastry products with 'Fat Sam' Allardyce who spent the past several 'successful' seasons taking the unfashionable Bolton Wanderers rocketing up to the dizzy heights of the lower top half of the Premiership with their semi-scientific brand of 'airborne football'. Following this news, the club announced that next year's season ticket prices are to be raised in the upper parts of the stadium, as much of the play will now take place at their level.

As the summer roled on, St James' Park became the scene of a swift and dramatic coup, as the sports retail billionaire, Mike Ashley had his sights on taking over. Jabba was obstinate, but was rushed to hospital, where he remained for a month following a serious Steak Bake related injury. With Jabba out of the scene Ashley bought up the shares belonging to the largest share-holder and former ruler of the Empire of the Metro Centre, Sir John Wynyard Hall, and his evil layabout son. On learning of this, Jabba cried and wailed, proclaiming that he had been stabbed in the back. However, Ashley offered Jabba £5m, and a thought bubble immediately appeared as Jabba realised how many steak bakes he could buy for £5m. As he rightly realised it would make him the largest (literally) steak bake owner in the world, and an evil laugh emanated from his ample frame, for he was to stay on as 'the big man' - chairman..... well at least for a few weeks or a month or so before they kicked him out.

Meanwhile, Big Sam ditched a number of players with the useless (Bramble), mediocre (Sibierski), home sick nancy boy (Parker) and just plain invisible (Bernard) among those who left Tyneside early on. Dire - sorry Dyer (it's so easy to confuse the two) spent the summer whining before being sold to relegation dodging/cheating/legitimately surviving (delete as appplcable depending on bias/ spasticity) West Ham.

With a new manager, new players and a new regime, what could possibly go wrong?

[edit] What went wrong

And so the 2007/08 season got underway, with the scientific 'Big Sam' at the helm. Allardyce quickly revolutionised the whole set up at the club with experts drafted in to Allardyce's huge backroom staff, including the appointment of Science boffin professor Steven Hawkins' appointment as first team coach. Allardyce revolutionised the way that the team played by switching attacking midfielders to defensive roles, whilst employing only the middle of the pitch, leaving the wings free for the grass to grow and the opposition to dominate. So concerned was Sam about letting the grass grow that he ordered the players to keep the ball in the air rather than ruin the grass. However, somewhat puzzlingly, the team's form was affected and the fans started getting unhappy for some bizarre reason. Shortly after the new year, Allardyce was shown the door by chairman Chris Mort. When Sam commented that he didn't like Mort's new door, he was sacked.

Luckily, Newcastle have now learned their lesson and signed exactly the same daft cunt who started the whole sorry saga.

[edit] Return of the King

After a failed attempt to sign 'The queen of england Elton John', Kevin Keegan was welcomed back with open arms. Newcastle sold out of slimming cereal for the first time ever. It inevitably went tits up though, as King Kev walked away - in his now trademarked style - with bundles of fans' cash.

[edit] Newcastle United Facts

• Ex-Chairman Freddy Fat-Fuck is rumoured to be the world's only 'Pasty Billionaire'.

• Ex-Chairman Freddy Fat-Fuck's pasties would cover the entire surface area of the city of Rotterdam and could be stacked on top of one another in this area to a height of two miles.

• Former Manager Sam Allardyce is the nephew of America's 'Uncle Sam'.

• Ex-Chairman Freddy Fat-Fuck underwent a procedure known as oral-bowel reversal surgery. This means that shite comes from out of his mouth and he talks out of his big fat arse.

• Decrepid old faux-Scottish bastard Rod Stewart is the latest in a number of talentless has-beens to perform concerts at St James', though with tickets priced at a mere £6,500, it promised to be an 'unmissible' gig... except for the vast majority of the world's population of course, who did not attend and for whom it was entirely missible.

• Amnesty International are set to accuse the club of torturing their fans, due to the ineptness of the team's performance, but mainly because of the continuous playing of Rod Stewart songs at games towards the end of last season to promote the fake Scot's recent gig at St James'.

• They pity the Yorkshire club Middlesbourgh so much that on occasion they let them win to cheer up the Boro villagers low morale and lower the suicide rate.

• Mike Ashley should have taken the Mars Bar when he had the chance.

[edit] Recollections

“I was at the their first ever match. Pons Aelius East End they were then. They played near Hadrians Wall in Heatonium, near to where the railway is now. As a Roman, I supported the Roman Army team from across town in Condercum. Pons Aelius West End. East End beat us and the very next day, we were ordered back to Rome.”

~ Tacitus on Newcastle United

“Hughie Gallacher, what a man! What a player! He'd be in a crack den with about 10 minutes to go before the game started, smoking crack, snorting a line or shooting up on Heroin! we'd have to carry him up Barrack Road! Imagine that! supporters carrying the star striker to the game! For a lad who wasn't even born at the time, it was an honour, I can tell you! Often he was just out there in a world of his own. Once he was out there on the pitch though, he was like Fred Adare the dancer who was also a fireman.....sorry what were you saying?”

~ Sir Bobby Robson on Newcastle United

“Sack of Coal Milburn. Sackie was a gentleman. Whatever you needed, he'd help you. If you needed Coal for your fire, Sackie always had some. Of course we all had gas or electric fires or central heating in those days, so nobody ever did. But if you needed it, he'd give it to you......well, possibly, if you asked nicely and gave him 50% of your wages for the next five years.”

~ Jackie Milburn on Newcastle United

“ I couldn't believe it when I signed. I got off the train, and being a London boy I was just in awe of the place, the lights, the clubs. It was a fantasy land, just like Hollywood. They even had a Wimpy, which was a real luxury back then. All the stars flocked to the place. I remember meeting John Lennon in Fenwicks”

~ Malcolm Macdonald on Newcastle United

“When I made Back To The Future, I originally wanted to cast Jack Charlton in the role of Doc Brown. I rang him and met up with him for lunch at Sarah's Restaurant, which used to be just inside the Northumberland Street entrance of Eldon Square. I begged and pleaded and he said he'd like to do it, but he just didn't have the time as he was busy failing as Newcastle manager.”

~ Steven Spielberg on Newcastle United

“These last ten minutes when I came home, I've lived the dream and dreamed the live. It's all I ever wanted to do, well apart from be a train driver and be in U2. Oh, I do that as well don't I? "EL-E-VATION! WOOH!"”

~ Sir Alan Shearer on Newcastle United

[edit] Rivals (and people generally disliked by Geordies)

• Anyone not fo'kin'eer like, why aye man byk'a grove.
• Japanese (they support the rising sunderland)
• Mackems
• Smoggies
• Mackems
• People who don't like odd nicknames for people from odd places
• Rainbows
• Adam "Lanky" Gilbert
• Scousers
• Mackems
• Anyone who dislikes Bovril and Bovril-based products
• The Dutch
• The Portuguese
• The Monty Python Team (how dare they insult Spam!)
• Camels (they know what they did...)
• That Thatcher woman
• Balloons
• Mackems
• Mark Lawrenson
• People who can speak good English
• Peter Ramage
• Albert Luque
• Mackems
• Channel 5
• MENSA members (as people with immense intellects are scary to Geordies)
• Anyone with the letter A in their name
• or the letter F
• or the letter E
• or the letter C
• or the lett...

Aye don't forget the pretentious ego tripping Mancs like

People whose only insight into Newcastle is watching byker grove or when the boat comes in like.

[edit] Current Squad

Number	Name	Position	Nationality
1 Formally Shay Given until he woke up in Manchester
2	Stephen Car	Sloath-like Defender
3	José Enrique Inglesias	El Toro
4	Jim Rosenthal	ITV Sports Presenter
5	Dick Emery	Deceased 70s Camp Comedian
6	Caçapa	Defender
7	Biffa Barton	Pugnacious Midfielder
8	Big John Greenbeard Aaar Me Hearties!	Pirate
9	Ob la di Ob la da Oba Martins	Forward
10	Michael Owen	Injured
11	Duff Man	Occassional The Simpsons Character
12	His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI	God's Representative on Earth
13	Steve Harper	Goalkeeper
14	Prince Charles	Midfielder
15	Nobby Solano	Trumpet Player
16	James Milner	Midfielder
17	Alan Smith	Forward
18	Anton Dec	Geordie TV duo who accompany each other everywhere and are now legally one person
20	Jeremy	He doesn't have a surname you know
21	Emperor Quaag Zon VII	Leader of the Greater Martian Empire
22	Seymour Butt	Real name Nicholas
23	Fowushola Ameobi	Fo' Sho!
26	Peter Damage	Dodgy Defender
27	Steven Taylor	Defender
30	David Edgar	Defender
33	Celestine Big Babyaro	A.W.O.L when you need him
34	Fraser Forster	Goalkeeper
35	Fatty Pattison	Mediocre Midfielder
36	Skid Mark Veruca	Striker, formerly adored by Middlesbrough fans who are now incredibly bitter at his departure
37	James Troisi	Midfielder