Newcastle, New South Wales

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Newcastle is a metropolitan area in the state of New South Wales, Australia, known for having one of the least original city names on planet earth.

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edit Discovery

Bluntlieutenant

Woah dude, is Shortland smoking a joint?? Woah...

The area was discovered by Lieutenant John Shortland in September 1797. Shortland, known for being a massive stoner, was smoking his daily blunt when he accidentally kicked the wheel of his ship, sailing into a previously unknown river stream. John would later describe it as "a very dank river" and named the city "Castle" after his favorite defensive structure and TV series.

Shortland made Castle's abundance in coal very clear, going as far as declaring it the "suspected birthplace of the negro" on one whiskey-filled night. Philip Gildley King saw an opportunity, and made the very smart decision of populating the newfound settlement with extremely dangerous criminals to work in coal mines (What could possibly go wrong?). The city remained a penal settlement until 1822.

Castle went on to be the birthplace of the Castle and Hagrid River Candelabra Shipping Company, or CRCSC, one of the largest candelabra producing companies of the 19th century.

edit 1822 Slave Breakout

In December 1822 the entire settlement faced an uprising by its slave-working prisoners. Using a previously gathered arsenal of machetes and assault rifles for weapons and toilet seats for shields, the gargantuan crowd managed to overpower the guards by sheer numbers. The overall casualty count for the uprising is an estimated 30.000 deaths. Their leader, Heinrich Fisher, would rename the town "Newcastle". Even though the name recieved widespread panning for its unoriginality, Heinrich's new government replied to the press saying that they "didn't give a fuck about the name, have you seen the shit we have to deal with here?" Coal mining proceeded, this time the profit going directly to the population, which spent it on crack and women.

Heinrich would become the father of famous russian spy Rudolf Abel.

edit 1953 Newcastle Rockamphetamine Crisis

In September 1952 Newcastle got word of a "sick new drug" being produced by a french scientist in the Alps. Essentially an enhanced version of regular methamphetamines, workers were forced to buy said drug as a secret social experiment carried out by a misterious youtube prank channel. Coal miners reported extreme awareness of their surroundings, as well as ceaseless wakefulness and staggering numbers of new coal nodes found each day, proving the experiment to be a total success.

However, in 1954, news of the new drug finally got to the president of the United States of America, which immediately classified it as an "unsafe, soul-corrupting toxic substance of satanic nature" and outlawed it throughout the country. Since all countries must follow their american daddies' rules, the australian government banned the use of the new drug, which had caused extreme dependency on most of Newcastle's workers.

An excessive amount of hormones was produced by those addicted to the drug, which caused them to gain extreme muscular mass, gaining likeness to famous WWF champion Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. The drug became known as "rockamphetamine", and miners began experience severe damage to internal organs due to the sheer weight of the muscles they had to carry. The last known dependant user of rockamphetamine died in 1998 from internal organ failure, and since then all rockampthetamine reserves in the world are kept in Dwayne Johnson's basement, him being a daily user of the tons of leftovers kept in secret from... oops.

edit Inhabitants of Newcastle

Even though most of Australia consists of terrifying abominations of nature, it is currently populated by two Non-Aboriginal Tribes, the Lake Macquarians (who live in Lake Macquarie, the largest perennial lake in the Southern Hemisphere) and the Novocastrians. As the two tribes are constipated violently, the traditional weapons (toothpicks for spears and extra-soft paper tissues for shields) are used for rectum cleaning. Recent analysis shows that Lake Macquarians are starting to evolve a 3rd testicle (which is useful, since they live in an orgy), and that each successive tribal leader of the Novocastrians has a very slightly larger testicle somewhat similar to that of a Blue Whale.

Newcastle is also populated by a bionically-enhanced tribe of Kangaroos that constantly abducts people from around the globe to work for them in "well-structured environments of mutual cooperation and fair pay". These kangaroos, known as the Cambrodjans, are believed to have been created by the government of North Korea as a failed modern weapon of mass destruction, and dumped by Kim Jong-Un in Newcastle in what was quoted as "a reasonable act of waste management". The Cabrodjans are close to achieving advanced space travel techniques, using koala dung as fuel.

The people of Newcastle are generally quite friendly, mate! However, pissing one citizen means the entirety of the town will come after you in a mass herd of koala-bear-riding-rifle-weilding australian mobsters.

edit See also

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