Newcastle, Australia

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For the British version, see Newcastle Upon Tyne. See Newcastle for an alternative opinion about this city of the damned (there is only so much shite you can put on one page).

Michael with a white child from Newcastles Patriotic Yoof League, tempts the dingos at the Newcastle Zoo.

Newcastle (Pronounced ewe-kastle) is one of the most recently finished achievements of Gothic architecture in the world, hence the name. Strictly speaking, it is nothing like a castle - more like a well-planned catastrophe when viewed from above, and like a set of ultramodern ruins in side view. Although accurate, this description has lead some prominent tribes(wo)men such as the infamous Amanda Vanstone to claim that "there is nothing wrong with Newcastle" - but we know better. Originally founded as an answer to England's Newcastle Upon Tyne by a group of theives and sheep rustlers (much like the residents of Newcastle Upon Tyne)who decided that they too would like somewhere where the women wore next to nothing and everyone got drunk every day. This proved to be very practical as Newcastle was quickly settled by Australians who like nothing better that to wander around wearing next to nothing and drinking all day. However their attempts to build a castle using empty beer cans and disposable barbecues were sadly fruitless and rumours of a similar town set up nearby as an answer to Sunderland by a small group of inbred fisherman have persisted but proved to be unsubstansiated.

[edit] Population

Currently it is populated by two Non-Aboriginal Tribes, the Lake Macquarians (who live in Lake Macquarie, the largest perennial lake in the Southern Hemisphere, although currently they are trying to prove that it is actually a city) and the Novocastrians (of Newcastle City, the only city in NSW whose tribal government is too stupid to work out how much 2343.499954304 is). The two tribes are in constant violent conflict, with the traditional weapons (toothpicks for spears and extra-soft paper tissues for shields) used on the traditional battlefield (Glenrock State Conservation Area, located smack bang in the middle of the two tribal territories).

Recent analysis shows that Lake Macquarians are starting to evolve gills (which is useful, since they live in Lake Macquarie), and that each successive tribal leader of the Novocastrians has a very slightly larger brain capacity (which would be infinitely useful in the infinite future.) Newcastle is perhaps the only city in Australia with only two National Parks (and not one, three or more), since both the tribal leaders claim more of those would be detrimental to the city's air quality. These national parks are called Wallarah National Park and Watagan National Park. Wallarah, which is the American word for "wall of rock", refers to the conglomerate cliffs along the park's coast, and was named in 1966 by ardent supporters of the ANZUS Treaty. Watagan, the Old English word for "water pistol", has a somewhat longer history: it was named in 1989 by archeologists referring to a plastic water musket found fossilised in sandstone in the area that was later to become Watagan NP. This fearsome traditional Aboriginal weapon has been found, by carbon dating at Newcastle University, to date back approx. 3000 years to the time of the highly unsuccessful Aboriginal invasion of Pommyland. It is a good place!

The recent local referendum lead to Windale being removed as a Newcastle suburb due to the level of Bogan to civialian population growing over the Government allowed size determined by the 'Bogan Over Population act of 1993'. As a result Newcastle lost 7 civilians and 4973 Bogans form its total population. It is now a "No go zone" for Novacastrians.

Recently, the locals built a 30 foot wall surrounding the ex-suburb built from the burnt out cars that once infested the area to keep the general population of Newcastle out, not that they'd really ever want to go there. There is only one access gate that is opened every Thursday to let a post man through to deliver their dole checks. This post man is now considered to be the God of their post apocalyptic state. They worship him upon arrival in a ticker-tape parade style procession each fortnight but then wake the next morning to find that they've blown all their government money on booze, cigarettes and cheap hookers which causes a vicious cycle of violence, mayhem, pillaging and rioting until the next cheque arrives the following fortnight.

[edit] Landmarks

Newcastle is filled with many beautiful and world famous landmarks.

The Big Penis - Smack bang on Queens Wharf stands this giant metal structure of a phallus. It was modeled after Andrew Johns' penis as it was the most famous and most seen by the public at the time.

Strezlecki Car Park - This famous look out which overlooks where Susan 'doesn't wear and clothes' Gilmour Beach and Bar Beach meet is the conception point for over 73.4% of Newcastle's population.

Energy Australia Stadium - The home of the NRL team 'The Knights' and the A-League Team 'The Breakers', sorry I mean Newcastle United, doubles as Andrew Johns' house and a meeting place for men to play with balls and jump on each other. There are constant complaints from sportspeople that the change rooms are sub-par, some have complained of finding peep holes in the showers thought to be used in Ian Roberts in his NRL years.

The Serial Pest - Although his true identity is yet to be known, many have speculated that he is actually Yahoo Serious of 'Young Einstein' fame. After failing to repeat the success of his international blockbuster debut he faded away into the backstreets of Islington only to re-surface years later disrupting sporting events with flares, cats and loud ranting. He even once knocked himself out trying to tackle Andrew Johns at a Knights home game and can now be seen drunk and possibly on drugs in local parks shouting at trees.

Foreshore Fat Lap - A well known ritual for dickheads on a Thursday night to drive souped up rice burners to try and impress the female of their species by doing a lap of the Newcastle Foreshore. The local Police take pride in defecting as many of the piece o' shit cars as they can.

GARDEN CITY (Gardo, Westfield Kotara or if you're an old cunt Kotara Fair) - Is less bogan than Charlestown Square but more upper class than Newcastle Mall. Gardo houses hundreds of shops that Newcastle doesn't really need or have the market for. On Thursday nights, wankers from surrounding areas like Charlestown, Wallsend and Windale flock into the shopping center with shit hair cuts and shit cunt attitudes.

Charlestown Square - Located in one of the most bogan suburbs of the Hunter is a shopping center that is home to a shit load teenage mums, trailer trash and affluent maze engineers that each day look to find ways of making the center even more of a maze than it already is. On a side note, Hiltop Plaza which is adjacent the Charlestown Shopping Mall is not affiliated with said mall and should be entered with great caution as you may be raped, robbed and accidently fall into the eternal queue at the RTA. Parking at the Center and the Plaza is a joke bigger than Amanda Vanstone.

Glenrock - Glenrock SCA suffers much from being eroded by the traditional breed of war-horses (motorbikes) and from all the warriors of one tribe constantly emptying Glenrock Lagoon by mass-drinking from it and then refilling it by mass-urinating - an unbearable source of punishment for the other tribe when they get thirsty. Other environmental problems in Glenrock include uncontrollable expansion of lush, green rainforest due to a statewide deficiency in arsonists; and alarmingly dropping numbers of the South African noxious weed Bitou Bush (Chrysanthemoides monilifera ssp. rotundata) due to the weed destruction atrocities carried out by members of the infamous terrorist organisation, Conservation Volunteers Australia.

Got fire?

Glenrock is also constantly being over-run by Scouts, who have a tendency to light the beach on fire periodically, as well as swim with shoes on in the Lake. An annual event is held each year, to prove which local group can drink the most milk, known as the "Great Milk Bottle Race". This is not to be confused of course with an event held on the same day, with the same name, where by the rival Scouts use their theiving skills to steal the shoes of the milk drinkers, as to swim in the lake.

[edit] Newcastle Zoo

Also known as NewcZoo or NukeZoo. The Zoo was opened on 15/14/19999 (according to the rather carelessly typed NewcZooo Brochuer) in the little-known Newcastle suburb of Asbeston (considered too small by Gregorys Australia to be put in the Newcastle Street Directory, every new version of which becomes outdated approx. 12 seconds after it comes out.) Because Asbeston consists entirely of an old open coal mine, one of thousands in Newcastle, the Zoo has had to be constucted on the not-so-spacious bottom of the crater, covering only about 0.4 ha. The only tourist facilities present in the zoo are three toilets (one for each sex), a coffee-making machine in the open, some fences forming the dingo enclosure, and of course the world-class NewcZooSkyWalk (with no fencing and many holes in the metallic grid floor).

Between 2000 and 2002, various native and exotic animals were introduced into the zoo, however lack of appropriate caging meant that the predators consumed all of the herbivores, then died of over-bloating. The survivors died because of an unexplained outbreak of the Newcastle Disease. The only animal currently present in the zoo is the dingo (see picture).

This Oscar Award-winning zoo was described by Cr John Tate (Newcastle's current tribal leader) in 2002 as "Too funny to be true... more like a video comedy than a zoo." Many Novocastrians still support this classification, which is why they succeeded in securing its Oscar Award title in early 2003. However, the Lake Macquarians seem to be more critical in their classification, which has resulted in the zoo being widely known to Australians as "Hell on Earth". Which may well become quite true in the future, as currently there are plans to test a nuclear power station and nuclear bomb simultaneously on the grounds of the zoo, tourists and dingoes and all.

[edit] Newcastle City Council

Newcastle City Council sucks. They are hopeless on the road, they are hopeless with parking meters, they are hopeless with environmental issues, they are hopeless with everything.

An example of John Tate's talk:

Hi's ther, Oi'm yer lord n' mashter.
Ploise fall to tha ground n' beg for mercy as Oi pass through
ya dirdy, unwashed heads and yeh. Oi've had enuff of the people whinging
about the parking meters. Soiriously!!!

[edit] Things to Do

• Drag race your dads car on Koorangang Island
• Meet "special" men friends in Civic Park
• Purchase 15 minutes at Cloud Nine
• Fight for a table at Goldbergs
• Loose your dole at the Phoenix Club
• Drive Your Gay Car Around King St Maccas Until The Seccos Kick You Out
• Drive around and around and around the foreshore with your idiot mates all night
• Line Up For 3 Hours Out The Front Of King St Hotel On A Saturday Night,Then To Get The Front Of The Line At 2.33am After The Curfew And Then Be Turned Away Because You Are A Massive Bogan, Who Should Be At Home Watching repeats of last nights nrl games on foxtel
• Go to Fannys. Its the 3rd most violent club in Australia, and by far the Number one to hook up with some skank off her face on who cares what. Perfect of you're an angry, sex addict on his 20/30/40th birthday.
• Become a member of the Junction Hotel, make the most of the free drinks and get drunk there every weekend despite having never spent a cent in the joint.
• Find the love of your life on a street corner in Islington.
• Complain about the curfews.
• Sunday Fundaze.
• Get raped on a Newcastle University trail or Jesmond Park
• Hang out with the world's most obnoxious, self righteous activists who couldn't organise a piss-up in a pub
• Get caught by the cops trying to have a girl polish your chrome at Strezlecki car park.
• Get hit by a random Central Coast guy that has nothing better to do than drive up to Newcastle to fight and glass people on a Saturday night.

[edit] Fuckedness

Chill with Tahlia and Maddi ayeee. Recently discovered biblical texts have indicated that Newcastle and its surrounding area was considered by ancient people's to be an unholy area, strong with the dark side of the force and thus a place where biblically speaking, no good could come. While this is a theological argument, it has lent credence to a view long held by some novocastrians that the place is cursed by God. Events, such as the frequent fires, earthquakes and most recently torrential floods would seem to lend anecdotal evidence to this fact. Many citizens of Newcastle are thus preparing for plague and there has also been a mass exodus of anyone considered firstborn. All things in Newcastle seem to be tainted by fuckedness, people and objects. While things being born or created in Newcastle can never completely be un-fucked, it is possible for a person or thing to be come less fucked over time by spending long and extended periods outside of Newcastle. Anything that did not originate in Newcastle can become completely un-fucked eventually, but prolonged stay in the Newcastle area will make this more difficult over time.Fuckedness can also briefly be abated by vigorous scrubbing with steel wool or by bombardment with radioactive particles. Abduction by Aliens is also thought to be effective.

It is common for people in and around Newcastle to greet each other with the phrase "Your Fucked". This is not considered insulting, rather, a statement of fact and thus proof that novocastrian people meet as equals. If someone from outside Newcastle greets a novocastrian this way, they will usually reply with "I know, sorry" unless they are a Bogan or a Homie - two virulent Newcastle subspecies - who will more than likely assault or kill you. Whilst most enlightened Novocastrians have come to accept, adapt and live with their fuckedness, Bogans and Homies have not, and commonly share the belief that "Newcastle's fuckin' unrool n that". These people should be avoided wherever possible - Bogans are easily distinguishable by their attire, often sporting a mullet hairstyle and shouting "Go the Knights". Homies are an entirely foreign import, they can generally be found in large groups around shopping centres and generally resemble idiots.

[edit] Music

Newcastle is also home to an amazing music scene similar to sydney's music scene but with more bogans and less 'Oh I am a wanker' musicians. Undoubtably one of the greatest bands to escape Newcastle would be Lead Oxide. It was In Kings Park (near the zoo) that Lead Oxide had the tradgic Black Wednesday concert, the concert would end the lives of thousands of innocent people. Other bands, such as The Porkers, contribute significantly to the scene, by appearing on cheap commericals to talk in the most meaningless way imaginable.

Newcastle has also given birth to two quite famous bands Silverchair & The Screaming Jets.

Over their career, Silverchair has progressed from a Nirvana in Pajamas band to a "hey weren't you that band that used to play Tomorrow and other cool songs". Their front man Daniel Johns seems to be stuck in the closet, he was married to the very hot Natalie Imbruglia but divorced her a few years ago. As if that doesn't scream I love Elton John in the kind of way that I bat for the other team way.

The Screaming Jets front man Dave Gleeson is infamous for his drugged up speeches about how good it was that "They finally burried the fag" referring to the passing of Queen's front man Freddie Mercury on the day of his funeral in front of thousands. The band also knows how to get off their heads so much that a member serves his genitalia on a airline food tray during the Ansett virgin flight from Brisbane to Newcastle which leads to them being ejected off the plane. They tried to tell the media it was because of their failed attempt to get the passengers to join in a rendition of "Puff The Magic Dragon". Good try boys.

Another band from the nearby Central Coast "Short Stack" put a stain on the underpants of the Australian Music scene with a 'Pokemon loving, poor spelling, shit lyrics, Blink 182 wannabe' image that only 12 year old girls listen to.

[edit] Recent Events

In 2007 a massive flood of semi biblical proportions ruined peoples houses and cars. It also temporarily interrupted the beer supply which many locals were more devastated about than the actual damaged caused to their properties. Many local bogans could be seen in their Holden Commodores and Ford Falcons floating down streets not wanting to leave their 'prized' possessions alone.

Also, a bunch of bloody idiots on the Pacha Bulka decided that they didn't feel like waiting offshore for their pornography resupply like everyone else had to, and decided that they would attempt to enter the harbour, inspite of the massive storm. To cut a long story short, the boat ended up on the beach instead of the harbour, which resulted in a massive influx of tourists, drunken idiots, bogans selling t-shirts, a hideously expensive 'rescue' operation, and the creation of "fully sick waves".