New atheism

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New-atheism-cola

New Atheism. Now with In-your-faceness!

New Atheism (also known as Atheism, Militant Atheism, Fanatical Atheism, Extremist Atheism, Fundamentalist Atheism, Evangelical Atheism, Devil Juice and Devil Seed) refers to the carbonated beverage used by communists to modify the brain structures of children with the intent of making them hate America. New Atheism's formula contains in-your-faceness (sodium facialide), a flavor which some consider refreshing and others describe as offensive. Critics of the new soft drink prefer Atheism Classic because it came in small, ignorable containers.

New Atheism can also refer to the avalanche of new books (nearly 500 at the time of this writing....wait make that 501) that have come out in the last several hours. These books dare to speak unfavorably about religion and are therefore considered militant. This rash of anti-God literature has been known to make The Baby Jesus scream with laughter, but the publishers who churned out the books are laughing more loudly, all the way to the bank of the lake of fire.

Consequences

Atheists-hate-america-billboard

A bewildered town asks a stupid question.

The primary goal of New Atheism is to make people hate America. The formula does this by damaging the neural circuitry of the brain causing people to reject the One True God Jesus F'n Christ by replacing this holy instinct with a motivation to find salvation in the evils of reason and evidence. The New Atheist Manifesto wants every American, from rich billionaires who exploit the stupid masses of the third world, to your neighbor who has nothing since his wife left him but a drug problem and an enormous gun collection to realize that there is no god watching over you and no one really cares. Because of these epistemic threats abominations, devotes of this cult have become unconvinced that our country (if you're wondering that means America buddy) was founded by Jesus Christ and His Dad (God) in 1776 BC. Without the comforting knowledge of this Truth™ these lost souls are forced to conclude that they live in a country chock full of hicks and bumpkins. Some consumers of this product may even come under the delusion that many of this country's founders were non-Christians who believed that people should have a right to freedom of conscience which just causes them to hate America even more (it sure would piss me off). Another un-American sentiments that the beverage can cause is the wish that the Twin Towers were still standing. The Devil Seed confuses people into believing their destruction was caused by religion and not Islamic Extremism.

The New Atheists

Sam-and-friends

Sam Harris lovingly depicted with some of his best friends.

A conspiracy of four militant Atheists produce this witches brew with help from fellow communists, Satan, several prominent warlocks and that cute chick from those orbit gum commercials.

Sam Harris

Sam Harris was the first to come up with the formula for New Atheism. Tired of the other beverages on the market and terrified at the thought of getting a real job, Sam decided to copy the formula of a late 19th century beverage and market it. Science Fiction conventions with names like TED, TAM, TUK and SNARF were the best venues to promote his product as well as try to pick up models who couldn't find real work and were dressed as Xena. Here he found he could easily sell his product as something new to the highly marketable demographic of twenty-eight-year-olds-with-computer-science-degrees-still-living-with-their-parents. He never decided to give it a name because he was too busy making money and it was up to a-holes in the media to label it New Atheism.

Richard Dawkins

Scientist and absolutely fantastic lady Richard Dawkins enhanced the New Atheism formula by adding English charm. Dawkins had been discredited in his field of biology for espousing crack-pot theories such as memes, evolution and the belief that the earth is millions of years old. Dawkins wasn't able to regain legitimacy in academia with New Atheism but became very rich and a media pig.

Dennet-clause

Daniel Dennett infiltrating a church disguised as a beloved religious icon.

Daniel Dennett

Philosopher and Santa Claus impersonator Daniel Dennett is loosely connected to the creation of the beverage. He's better known for his espionage work which typically involves sneaking into reeducation camps churches (and sometimes private homes) and spreading New Atheism laced with memes in the pews as a method of dissemination.

Christopher Hitchens

Journalist, egomaniac and encyclopedia impersonator Christopher Hitchens, as many readers will have guessed by now, was the one who had the idea of putting brandy in New Atheism.

See also

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