New Zealand
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |||||
| Motto: "We're like Australians but without retarded accents that sound like theees!!" | |||||
| Anthem: "God Defend Sheepland" | |||||
| |||||
| Capital | N & Z | ||||
| Largest city | Orkland | ||||
| Official languages | English, Maori and Chinese | ||||
| Government | The What Now? Party | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Bret Mackenzie and Jemaine Clement | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | Declined | ||||
| Currency | Roger Douglas | ||||
| Religion | Strictly Come Dancing | ||||
| Population | 1 horse, 2 male politicians: John Key & Helen Clark, 89 police officers (2 working with the rest on 'sick leave'), 350 criminals in jail, 650,000 criminals free in South Auckland, 968 million sheep and about 4 million human civilians. | ||||
The Jedi People's Republic of Nu Zeelind, also known as "Sheep Light District", is the world's largest dairy farm, and was invented by J. R. R. Tolkien for a joke in the late 1900s. Manufactured using several quadrillion sheep's droppings, the nutrient rich crap has solidified into four large-ish islands: The North Island; The South Island; The Stewardess Island; and The Other Island. It also consists of a few smaller islands and a group of moderately sized fishing boats owned by Ngai Tahu and bound together with baling twine, #8 fencing wire and duct tape. These latter islands and fishing boats are currently adrift in the South Pacific Ocean as a result of the global economic crisis. According to indigenous legends, a man named Meowi (descendant of Kitler) fished up the North Island. Nuu Zeiland is a multicultural society with 4 million people, and eighteen billion sheep. Unlike the United States of America and Australia it is a peaceful country with little violent crime or in-breeding. The country is located far from nearly everywhere else and just next to the arsehole of the World (see Australia). Nu Zeelind is ruled by Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement (leaders of the political party Flight of the Conchords') who demand to be called the Hiphoppopotamus and the Rhymenoceros (reverent titles in the New Zealish language).
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Prehistory
New Zealand was discovered by the Mori-Ori, a peaceful people from Micronesia. (Unfortunately what was once called Old Zealand already had inhabitants. So they killed all the natives and changed the name to New Zealand). Why these people moved from the balmy islands of Southern Asia in order to freeze their arses off on the Chatham Islands is anybody's guess. The move remains one of the great mysteries of human history.
The islands were re-discovered by the Maori, a race of fat cannibals, who also gave up living in the very warm Hawaiki islands. Upon arriving in the country, they renamed it 'Aotearoa', and decided that the Mori-Ori, as well as the Moa, were getting in the way, and so invaded middle earth and ate them.
[edit] Prehisterical
The Islands were re-discovered again in the 17th century by the famous Dutch pot smoker Disable Tasman, who gave the country its current name New Zealand after remembering what he had for dinner last night but unfortunately he could not spell Vealandvegies so he ended up writing Zealand. The 'New' was added after New Jersey because both were wild and uncivilised places populated by savages. He subsequently introduced the marijuana plant, which to this day forms an inextricable part of the economy of the Northland.
Aotearoa was re-discovered yet again by Captain James Cook, who thought that as no-one outside the place worth mentioning had heard of it, it could perhaps do with a bit more discovering, and the introduction of the wheel, iron tools and civilisation to the stone-age natives. The first expedition included a touring Circus that was tragically massacred by the Maori. Two of the tribesmen had just finished preparing dinner and proceeded to eat a Clown, when one (Tommeecoopah) turned to the other with a puzzled look on his face and asked, "does this taste funny to you?" So legend has it ...
With a flash of imagination Cook decided to name the country's islands North Island, South Island and The Other Island. Subsequently the British settled Nu Zeelend in force, unleashing biological warfare on the cannibalistic Maori, the only known as well as nearly exterminating the native flora & fauna using one very large rabbit and Welshmen with a predilection for beastality. While it's tempting to blame Americans for most of the problems in the world, Australians are to blame for inflicting upon New Zealand the dreaded possum, the deadly magpie, Fords and Fosters Lager. The Americans, however, are to blame for everything else, including the ebola virus, Al Gore's documentary on global warming, global warming itself, (c)rap music, international terrorism and last (but by no means least) the shitfest TV programme, "Sex in The City". Having said that, New Ziland is indebted for the one great treasure from the US, McDonald's, which comprises around 87% of the diet of the average Aucklander.
Maori claim of New Zealand land. When the Europeans tried to take over the land of New Zealand, by offering a totally unfair system called money and trade, the Maori scuttled off under the cloud of treatises, and screamed "unfair" claiming that the lands was theirs, had always been, and that buying blocks of land in exchange for piles of cash was unfair. However, when the few surviving Moriori proclaimed that they possessed the land first, the Maori then claimed that the Moriori never existed, and were only a story you told your kids to make sure that when they grew up, they didn't become peace-activists. Loosing this argument, they then said they they had the right to the land, because the had won it by right of conquest ... and so the saga continues.
[edit] Politics
Politics in New Zealand are centered around the so-called Beehive. Beehives are traditionally small rectangular structures, so it is assumed that the Beehive building is ironically named (sort of like calling a bald man "Curly"). Either that or it shows Kiwis up as idiots.
The capital city is Wellington (often known as 'Wellywood'), but it has only been the capital for the last 90 years. Prior to this the capital was Auckland (often known as "Dorkland'and/or JAFA land). Wellington was chosen to be the capital city after the rest of the country decided that they didn't want to be governed by a "bunch of arrogant JAFAs". Aucklanders have never really recognised the moving of the capital and carry on like they are still in charge anyway. By and large this seems to work, and "a spirit of friendly rivalry" has developed. Actually, this is really only true when viewed from an Auckland perspective, and since there is no life except sheep south of the Bombay Hills, it is an attitude that has entered into Auckland folklore. The rest of the country still think Aucklanders are a bunch of tossers, and those in Wellington as pointless parasites living off exorbitant taxes that are sucking the life-blood from the rest of the country
Wellington was also chosen because it lies on a major geological faultline (which is just itching to go, being a good few hundred years overdue). When it does, it'll do everybody a favour by getting rid of all the politicians in one fell swoop. Ironically, once all the politicians were ousted to Wellington, Dorkland became the power house of the non sheep related economy. Dorkland is built on a field of 51 volcanoes, including Rangi-with-the-toes island, which when it erupts will destroy all the JAFA's and force the economy to once again concentrate on sheep production and forget about any of this silly value add services stuff.
[edit] Government
In 1948 The Queen's Dad let New Zealandahs have their own parliamentary system. New Zealandars took to constitutional reform while on some seriously hard drugs: "Let's abolish our upper house, and work out what to have instead later" (1950) and, "Let's have half the seats in parliament filled by people who don't have to stand for election, and call it MMP" (1996) are two of the country's landmark reforms.
From 1948 until 2008 Nuy Zealand had their own Labour Party Fuhrer/Dictator (Helen Clark) (first open transsexual) who ruled over New Zealand with an iron fist. Towards the end of his reign Ms Clark's iron disease spread throughout His whole body (similar to the Iron Lady of England, Margaret Thatcher) and he had to be removed from office by a forklift truck. Another fallout from Mr/Mrs Clark's decline was foreign Minister Winston (im-a-smug-prick) Peters who got the sack, not because he was flakier than Helen Clark's scalp, but because all his constituency had finally died.
The Noo Z-land voting public are really well informed - they know that voting for either of the two main parties is the equivalent of choosing between Dumb and Dumber. The elections in November 2008 saw The National Party, despite not having a single viable policy, gain 55% of the cast votes by humans, 75% of those by sheep and just 3% of those cast by the lower-species in the South Island (who's votes are ignored anyway). The party's main appeal is based around the trustworthy slanting face of the party's charismatic leader John Key, who is a bald politician.
[edit] Local Government
New Zealand's current local government system runs under a 'Musical Autocracy', where votes are cast according to the 'Top 40 Charts'. These charts are manipulated by Winston Peters.
[edit] Homophobia in Nu Zeelind
People in Nu Zeelind, particularly males, are not only raised to be complete hicks but still think that they're better than everyone, despite most the World having never heard of them. The majority of Nu Zeelindahs are controlled by the idea that sexual intercourse with anything other than humans of the opposite sex is unnatural. Since they cannot have complete control of the universe (or Sheep-o-Verse, as Kiwis like to call it), Kiwis are known to become extremely uptight and scold any homosexual ideas due to severe insecurity and stupidity. Politically, this affects their culture and develops masculine anxieties to the maximum. Apparently Nu Zeelind was the first country to ever begin using the word "Gay" as a derogatory term, and is known as the 'Most Homophobic Nation in the World.' This forms a counter to Australia's official title of the as 'Most Homoerotic Nation in the World'.
[edit] Policies
The government's Anti-Noodle Policy, instituted during the Second Cold War of 1801, has proven popular with millions of Chinese weight watchers, who immigrated to Otago during the 1850s. The policy has successfully softened America's stance towards China by minimising the military threat of that country's army, which now consists of 1,900 million morbidly obese martial artist wannabes.
[edit] Military????
See Main Article: Military Of New Zealand
New Zealand used to have 5 frigates and 15 jet fighter planes but the Labour government decided that Meccano and Matchbox toys couldn't really defend the country if invading forces ever got "serious". However, the Minister of Defence recently commented that the country does have "abundant supplies of angry and belligerent teen school girls". New Zilland 's armed forces have three defence policy objectives;
- To defend Nu Zeyland against verry verry low-level threats
- To contribute to regional security, that is, restoring order to small pacific nations where their main populations have trouble understanding democracy;
- And to play a insignificant part in global security matters.
Other than the Girl Guides the three branches of Nu Zelands armed forces are:
- Airforce - there isn't one. Pilots have been trained in "small arms combat" - that is, running around with their arms outstretched yelling "vrrrooooom" and thus impersonating combat aircraft. On very special occasions army personnel will still fly over the Beehive (New Zealand's Parliamentary buildings in Wellington) using their one-and-only hi-tech, reconditioned, Cessna (aka Kiwi "Raptor") on long-term loan from a local Aero-club and another, 'slightly older' plane re-commissioned from a military history museum - a Fokker Wolf that was modified to catapult dead seagulls. A recent government annoucement claimed a "a substantial investment in 'stealth' aircraft", however subsequent investigations revealed this to be $30 for a kite from The Warehouse.
- Navy - apparently has some boats left - but these 10-foot dinghys are too small and flimsy to carry large 19th Century cannons. There is a patrol boat parked in Wellington Harbour which apparently is used to patrol the inner harbour of Wellington: it is the largest remote-control replica in the world! Many critics have recommended Nuh Zealind invest in a flotilla of warships - but no one in the country has ever seen one for real where such vessels have taken on mythical status.
- Army - actually has rather a lot of personnel: mostly clerical and office staff that are very good with Word 95 (and Power Point presentations) - others have even received some military training. The Army also has guns that are over 25 years old, but military regulations mean they are not allowed to be discharged. In order to replicate real weapon action, each soldier is issued with a broom stick with two nails: one for the trigger and the other for the cross-hair (sounds exciting!). In military practice they shout "bang, bang!" to further add to the realism of maneuvers. The louder the bang, the more chance you have of being hit ... well, okay, of at least being 'very startled'.
Recently the Army and The Reserve Air Force (better known as Air New Zealand, when they are not on strike) undertook a joint military exercise attempted to fire a medium-range rocket which had been stock-piled 30 years ago - but such rockets were only ever designed for fireworks displays . The crew that launched the rocket were afraid it might blow up in their vicinity so they borrowed their Cessna and flew it high over Wellington Harbour summarily dropping the rocket out the door. According to military observers it disappeared in the water soon after one crew member shouted "BANG!". Subsequent military intelligence noted that the crew were 'very emotional' following the turn of events.
[edit] The Sheep Launcher
This technological marvel was first discovered in 1998 by a man named Stephen who was one day undertaking an experiment to determine whether sheep, laced with copious amounts of nitroglycerine and catapulted over the fence into a paddock using a small trebuchet, would survive longer in the winter than regular 'non-glycerised' sheep. His experiment was cut short when, a stray sheep collided with a passing passenger craft to cause quite an interesting result. After picking up the debris from his paddock, Stephen promptly went to the Neu Z'land Ministry of Offense and laid out his proposal to them, it was a flying success. In 2002 it completely decimated the invading penguin forces, more commonly known as the 2nd Antarctic War. Later changes were made to the sheep, such as Biological Tracking Modules (BMPs), Cloaking Devices and Wool Based EMP after-shocks. Other countries have tried to emulate these technological and biological marvels, such as Iraq's Camel Ballistica, Japan's Whale Depth Charges and India's Anti-Air Bovine Turrets. Though none have had the same success as New Zealend's infamous all purpose Long distance, Satellite guided, Sheep Launcher. Note the difference to the more commonly used Pneumatic Goat Launcher which, though similar in design, provides superior bang for the buck.
[edit] Health and Safety and the Nu Ziland Dis-Armed Forces
In a surprise and unexpected move in early 2009, Sir Robert (Bob) Mugabe (a recent refugee from Zimbadway who was appointed to be the Minister in charge of Health and Safety upon successful appeal to the Refugee Status Appeals Board for permanent NZ residence), declared that no one was allowed to be in the Nu Ziland Dis-Armed Forces. This is due to the health and safety risk associated with running around with sticks with nails in them. However, Bob's extended family (who also emigrated to Nu Ziland after a bleeding heart wantta be legal aid lawyer managed to convince the public of Nu Ziland that the situation in Zimbadway wasn't really Bob's fault), have volunteered to stand on the coast line each morning (except when it's raining or really cold) and shout really loudly at any nasty looking invading forces.
[edit] The Population
[edit] The Sheep
Sheep are feared animals in Nu Zillind, much as cows are feared to Hindus. In New Zehland, all first-born children must be sacrificed to the sheep-god, Akatawhenua, to gain his blessing over the family. Sheep are not allowed to be harmed under any circumstances (to harm a sheep is punishable by death), and all citizens must do the biddings of a sheep if asked. Sheep are known to have great sexual appetites, and it is many a lucky Cantabrian man who has had the privelege of satifying a sheep.
[edit] The Maori (Mowri/Mouldy)
The Maori have lived in New Zealand for several generations longer than anyone else bar the Mori-Ori (known as 'lunch' in the Maori language.) Their talents include riding whales; founding political protest movements; creative writing (application forms for government benefits) and going to the Chatham Islands for a feed.
[edit] Aucklanders
Aucklanders are the highest and most intelligent class of Nu Zeelands. It is in Auckland that all of the country's human population reside. Auckland is a beautiful city, with many beaches, a thriving metropolitan centre and quiet, quaint suburbs containing a vast choice of brothels & drug dens. The people of Auckland tend to hold educated jobs, for example as lawyers, accountants, skilled labourers and, those most pointless of human beings, management consultants. A parasitic breed has also been identifed and named 'real estate agents'. Aucklanders are termed JAFAs, Just Another Fucking Aucklander, by the lower-species inhabitants of Nooo Ziland, mainly out of jealousy of them owning shoes. It is not known how this term came about however, as the members of the lower-species have yet to master language.
[edit] The Lower-species
Found exclusivley on the South Island, the lower-species of Nou Zealend are a strange and fascinating species of near-people, in that they seem to have evolved backwards, back into something resembling the Neanderthal man. This is mainly thought to be attributed to interbreeding and the introduction of orc genes into humans. Southerners are used in unskilled labour positions due to their strength, limited intellect and that they have no rights as they are not technically human. Because of this, they make up the foundation of the Noou Zelland society and economy as a whole. Southerner society revolves mainly around beastiality, buggery and rugby. Southerners live mainly in caves or trees; have none of the technologies which humans take for granted, such as wheels & fire. They communicate mainly by grunts & hand gestures.
[edit] Language
Basic New Zealish phrases - mainly said by Maori/Polynesians in South Auckland and Cannons Creek:
- "Not even eeeooww"
- "oh bro you got a dollah?"
- "Cuz"
- "Sup Bro!"
- "Oi!"
- "You'se are gay"
- "I'll Bash Yo!"
- "Got A Light?"
"Gimmie Yo Shoes"
- "Want a drink at the pub mate?"
- "No, Australia is a different country." - essential for New Zealanders when overseas.
The New Zealish alphabet:
- A is for ARM - uttered when trying to 'thunk' (see: thunk) alternately 'recall' in a real dictionary
- B is BEER - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
- C is for CHUPS - thinly cut and fried potatoes. They are often accompanied by Tomato Sauce and/or Battered Animal from the below sea-level. Although NZ chips are recognised as being the second worst in the world, after so called 'fries' in the US, they accompany 91.5% of all meals served in the country.
- D is for DUNNO - common answer of a a drunken Kiwi's when the officer that pulled him over asked why he was going 200 km/h in his Maaz-aa-daaa or his Suub-aar-rooo.
- E is for EAR - what we breathe.
- F is for FUSH - an activity claimed to be the favourite pastime of New Zealanders, whereas the truth is watching Sky TV and brushing large chips from their shoulders as they feel the rest of the world ignores them.
- G is for GUESS - piped through to households and used for cooking or heating,
- H is for HUCK - native money.
- I is for INNER ME - enemy.
- J is for JUG - an Irish dance performed by girls with large ...
- K is for KEN'S - popular tourist attraction in Queensland.
- L is for LUST - uncontrollable, burning desire to write down items you wish to buy but don't need - and later regret buying (aka shopping list).
- M is for MUNTER - outrageous fortune at it's best
- N is for NUTTER - polite, informal conversation with a criminally-insane person (e.g. Australian).
- O is for ONE DOZE - a pane of glass in the wall or brand of computing operating system.
- P is for PERR-GUU-LAA - Similar to an Australian outdoor area where Beer and Beef can be consumed whilst talking about the Footy and the Bloody Labor Party, upper-class persons can sometimes afford a Spa..
- Q is for QUAD - slang term for a British Pound Note.
- R is for RUNGBY - Official religion of New Zealand.
- S is for SHEEP - Victim of many a Kiwi mans wet-dream.
- T is for THUNK - act of 'thought'.
- U is for UNDIES - Caribbean country (West Indies) ... used to have quite good cricketers.
- V is for VOLLEY - land area between two hulls (aka 'hills').
- W is for WHALE - Something the Aussies used to make fun of us with but they failed epically 'cause they're dumb.
- X is for XYLOPHONE - no known translation as word is too complex for New Zillinders to pronounce.
- Y is for YUPPIE - an expression of delight.
- Z is ZACH - that's how we call it. New Zach.
[edit] Economy
New Zilend's economy is based on the sheep, which have been found to have countless uses, including, but not limited to:
- Eating
- Shearing.
- Rooting
Other exports include:
- Inferiority complexes.
- Perfectly good rugby coaches.
- 'Kiwifruit', Kiwi birds, anything whose name features or incorporates the word 'Kiwi'.
- Bar staff to London.
- Melamine tainted dairy products.
The export of New Zilland young people, especially to large urban centres such as London, Madrid, Rome and Mount Doom has increased in recent years, in proportion to the increase of incoming Asian goods. How Asia benefits from this three-way trading scheme remains to be seen.
Technological exports include:
- Conchords
- Jetboats
- Bungees
- Open-crotch knickers for the genus Ovis
- Bugger all else
Any rock band in the world which has one member from New Zilland, or has anything remotely to do with New Zilland is claimed by New Zillanders as their own, regardless of where the band was formed, based, or how many Australians it has in it (see: 'U2', 'Dragon' and 'Crowded House').
New Zillanders are also responsible for many technological 'firsts' including:
- Pavlova (a baked, meringue-like pudding made of beaten eggs and sugar, inexplicably named after a Russian ballerina. Australia has since tried to claim it as its own, but the fact that the country no longer exists means such a claim is difficult to prove).
- the benefit for all
- Butter that is spreadable straight from the fridge
- Inventing nuclear power
- Not using nuclear power
- Bravery in war
- Clean air
- Water that doesn't taste like it has come from a swamp
- Long, white clouds
- 'Dick Tick-off', which was the first scar-free treatment to remove sheep ticks from human gentalia
Imports include:
- Asian immigrants/slaves/triads/targets
- Crappy TV shows of US and Australian origin
- South Central L.A. hip-hop culture (which has subverted the indigenous culture of Auckland).
It is arguable whether Australians or New Zillanders are the greatest beer drinkers in the Universe (especially the rugby-playing, Canterbury-dwelling sub-type). Germany has in recent times violently disputed the fact either country is, leading to the Great War of 1914-1918, and World War Two of 1939-45.
[edit] Culture
Controversially 'New Zealand Culture' has long been listed in the Oxford English Dictionary as an example of an oxymoron. Opponents of its inclusion have counted with the observations of bacterial cultures existing in: the festering jock-straps of rugby players; the dung infested tails of sheep (considered an aphrodisiac to kiwi men from the South Island); and the few kitchens in South Auckland not being used as P labs.
[edit] Kiwi Character
Kiwis look rough, hairy and brown on the outside, but inside they are soft, sweet and green, and go excellently with fruit salad. Their legendary toughness is epitomised by Kiwis like Bucky Buck Buck, who played a full game of rugby with a ripped scrotum before sewing it up with part of an opponent’s severed tendon. He also used the opponent’s teeth as a necklace.
Another example of Kiwi toughness is Sir Hillary who, after losing the US election, retreated to Antarctica and used tractors to build an evil empire at the South Pole. His descendants still work as local guides to American Arctic explorers. They do helpful things like pitching the Americans’ piece-of-shit girl scout tents, making shelters out of duct tape when the girl scout tents get ripped to shit, signing litigation documents and redirecting the explorers to the Arctic.
[edit] Sport
Sport is very important to New Zealanders, due mainly to there being bugger all else to do. Rugby is the most popular sport, both League and Union. The national rugby union team is known as 'The All Blacks.' The popularity of this nickname has led it to be adopted by other national sport teams, including: hockey - 'The Black Sticks'; basketball - 'The Black Hoops'; and badminton - 'The Black Cocks.' New Zealand's national womens teams use the prefix 'Silver', as in 'The Silver Ferns' for netball. New Zealand is the only country in the World where netball is considered a sport.
[edit] National Sport
Motahsport Nu Zhiland is closely affiliated with the Boyracers International Team of Car Homos and Every Streetracer ([BITCHES]). The headquarters is based in Chur-Chur-Ch.
[edit] Rugby
Rugby is somewhat similar to the American game which is erroneously called "football", except the players are not rapists & dog-fight enthusiasts and who don't dress up in armoured suits like pansies. However, the stark difference is that with rugby the participants have some social skills and mental capabilities. In Nu Zelend people who are unable, unwilling or do not enjoy rugby are considered different and strange. Some are routinely "burned at the stake" at all-male private schools , whereas the girls are let off lightly with the task of cleaning-up after the game and being used as post-match entertainment.
In Noo Zealand rugby is an elitist sport. To be allowed to play you must have lived in a penitentiary, or Dunedin, and individuals become part of the country's elite if selected to become a member of the Canterbury Crusaders. These are a little known bunch of sheep shaggers whose best feat is repeatedly winning a minor, provincial competition. But whenever these Cantabrians ruled the Super Rugby competition, strangely the All Blacks could never win a World Cup. The Crusaders riding to victory over second-rate teams is something to be treasured.
After choking, yet again, in the 2007 Rugby World Cup New Zealand rugby is at a low. Robbie Deans, the former Canterbury & Crusaders rugby coach, was rejected by the New Zeeeeeeeeland Rugby Union in favour of the failed 2007 World Cup, All Black coach, Graham Henry. As a result, Deans moved to Australia to coach the Wannabes. In an attempt to exact revenge, Deans returned to New Zealand a short-time later, bringing his Wannabes with him. However, his ex-proteges proved too strong, firstly overwhelming them before proceeding to give the Australians' a right ass whipping: later a game of rugby was also played between the two sides. Deans is currently running a gay/tran-sexual nightclub "The Pink Oboe" as an extra income source in Sydney's Red-Light district of Kings Cross. His favourite colour is shocking pink, his favourite food is meat & two veg and he hopes to be closely involved in the Brokeback Mountain sequel "Fill 'em Full of Lead". He is an established 'hero' of the Australian Gay and Lesbian community, who consist of 97% of the country's population.
[edit] Religion
The 2006 census found that Dancing with the stars has replaced Christianity as its main religion and the pope with Anna Pavlov. However there is a strong population of Jedi living throughout the country. Their existence is denied by the government but it is suspected that John Key may infact be a Jedi Knight.
[edit] Tourism
New Zilland is a relatively popular tourist destination due to the local currency, 'Dollar', being almost as worthless as the Italian lira. Many Europeans choose to go to New Zealand rather than Australia due to the welcome lack of Aussies. Furthermore New Zealand doesn't have any alligators, snakes or creepy things with lots of legs - a fact that has become the main tourism slogan for the country. Also, in Australia you are likely to get murdered whilst back-packing or have your baby eaten by dingoes.
[edit] Places Of Interest
New Zealand is full of many exciting things to do including:
- Watching sheep eat
- Watching sheep play
- Watching sheep move across the hills
- Watching farmers have sex with sheep.
- Joining the farmers having sex with sheep.
- Watching mud boil in Rotorua.
- Having a mud bath in Rotorua.
- Having a mud bath with a sheep.
- Having a mud bath with a sheep and a farmer.
- The Rugby, Bro.
- Your Local Tinny House
- Paying an extortionate amount to be driven in a coach along 90-mile Beach and wondering what the bloody point is.
- Driving long distances to look at the 'majestic kauri tree', and finding it is ... a tree.
People unable to visit New Zealand can recreate the all wonders and excitment the country has to offer by staring at a wool rug and boiling a pan of soil & water on their oven top.
[edit] The People
New Zealander's also like to claim credit for other peoples' inventions, such as the the first man to fly. Although the world knows this was Wilbur Wright the whole population of New Zealund believes it to be Richard Pearse, a sheep from Temuka. This bizarre belief resulted from an occasion when Pearse jumped off a small wall, and breaking wind simultaneously gave him an additional boost. Pearse is now revered as a saint in the 'We Did It Before Anyone Else Church' which is led by Pope Edmund Hillary.
A favoured occupation of New Zealanders is missionary work in Australia. There they teach the locals the rudiments of language, personal hygiene and that screwing their sisters is a bad idea. Just as the Titanic was lost in the Atlantic, Brisbane has lost to the New Zealander. Amazingly there are now more New Zealanders in Brisbane than there are Aussies in London moaning about the beer & showers, and generally pissing the locals off so much they wonder why the in-bred convicts ever bothered coming over in the first place.
80% of New Zealand's population is white, or "Pakeha" (means White Pig apparently) people. These people have absolutely no culture other than rugby and beer, and are the last colonisers who still worship their royalty. A quarter of the population are cannibals, or "Maori" people. Cannibals enjoy sitting on the couch, drinking, smoking, eating fish & chips, stealing, forming gangs and shooting toddlers. Other pastimes include trying to claim ownership of the sea-bed and foreshore.
New Zealanders not of maori or European descent can be grouped as:
- Samoan - 80% of South Auckland's population are Samoan, the rest are Tongans and Fijians, which is the same thing . Flights to Auckland are notoriously expensive because Air New Zealand is only capable of accommodating about 10 Samoans per 747 jumbo jet - the balance is made up of Triads posing as market gardeners. The Samoan population has grown so 'large' that Samoans are now New Zealand's third largest export after Sheep and 'Lord of the Rings' T-shirts. Los Angeles and the Japanese Sumo Wrestling Federation are the largest importers of New Zealand-grown, 100% Organic Samoans.
- Asians - the Chinese own all takeaways and the Indians all the dairies. So great has the influence of Asians been that some of Auckland's suburbs have been renamed: Howick (now Chowick), Pakuranga (now Japuranga), Highland Park (now Thailand Park) and rumours abound about a westward move with New Lynn becoming "Shao Lynn".
- The remaining population comprises tourists from the Pacific Rim and rich Asian drug-lords & their gambling cartel monkeys from the streets of Hong Kong. Chinese asians are usually seen balancing their accounts - at SkyCity Auckland; laundering crime money - at SkyCity Auckland; practising karate, tai chi; eating the sexual organs of common farm and domestic animals (and anything else that once flew, swam, crawled, slithered or walked at one time or another); dying their hair blond; undergoing hermaphroditic surgery to enhance their sexual experience; coughing up phlegm in public toilets; being robbed by Maoris and Triad henchmen; driving Toyota MR2s, and kidnapping, killing then tossing the remains of other Asians into the Waikato River in a suitcase, usually because of their activities at SkyCity Auckland.
When a poll was conducted of New Zealanders as to their favourite joke, 23% said "Greymouth". The rest unanimously voted "Ricky Ponting."
[edit] Mating Rituals
New Zealanders are very social creatures, and spend as much time as possible with partners be them sheep, humans or the residents of Invercargill. In order to achieve social harmony Nou Zilldars have developed crude innate senses that can only be employed in the dark. These include a heightened sense of smell, night vision and an increased output of pheromones that allow them, by very superficial means to judge whether someone would make a suitable partner or not. This often doesn't go to plan, due to the Kiwi desire to remain budded up. It takes an incredibly long time for them to realize the fact their partner is a jerk to cause a rift large enough to break the relationship. Due to the absolute social failure that this creates between humans in natural relationships, many New Zealanders are inclined to shack up with sheep to avoid continuing in the whole ridiculous debacle.
The New Zillend male has a mating chant that sounds something like "Are ya awake, bitch?"
The New Z'land government has issued a ban on Human-Sheep hybrids, or 'Shumans'. Any Shumans found will be executed. Most Shumans live in Gore in Southland, with the rest scattered around sothern parts of Taranaki. However, 'Hucows' are accepted within the society, if only because they are good workers and they don't complain when people try to f**k them.
[edit] Flora and Fauna
Among the few remaining native creatures in New Zealand are sheep and kiwi. Due to the lack of large land predators in New Zealand and the year-long supply of Humans, sheep have been able to evolve to fit every niche of the New Zealand ecosystem. Sheep are not known for having aggressive qualities on any other continent. However continual sexual contact between New Zealanders & sheep has given rise to this unique phenomenon. Amongst Nooo Zealand's other native creatures, the most predominant are birds. Some types are flightless and incredibly dumb, and others have developed the ability to pull cars apart and eat them, quite often while the driver is still in the car.
Also, some species of worms grew into giant herbivorous forest-dwellers. Other species even lost their power of flightlessness, evolved large talons and took to the skies to become the country's top predators. Fossil remains indicate that these fearsome beasts were capable of tackling the largest land sheep such as Shrek. New Zealand has the most beautiful sheep in the world and is the envy of all nations, many of whose male citizens are tempted by the these woolly sirens. Palmerston North is widely regarded as the home of the most beautiful sheep in New Zealand. Palmerston North also has the country's largest B-grade red light district.
An influx of Spanish Terrorists in the late 1970s left the Tuatara population devastated, as the small reptiles make excellent back scratchers and door mats. They are also reputed to possess therapeutic properties of the sunbed, although at the time of writing, forays into experimentation with tanning, harnessing these mystical powers have ended in tragedy, usually for the tuatara.
The small island below the south island, known as Skull Island is also home to the giant beast known as King Kong.
[edit] Impending Disasters
Nu Zealind is situated right on-top of Mount Doom, which is one of the largest and most violent volcanoes in the world. They are right on top of a fault-line (although whose fault it is remains to be seen) and so are prone to earthquakes. In fact, without volcanic activity, New Zealand wouldn't exist at all: it is surrounded by sea, so global warming will certainly cover New Zealand with water. There are 48 volcanoes in Auckland alone, so New Zealand could also be blown sky high. Inhabitants are really just waiting to see which happens first.
Currently Frodo Baggins is completing a dangerous mission to kill Mt Doom while on his way to destroy Mordor. Information will be posted as more information comes to light. - Update (27th December 2008): Frodo Baggins was arrested for attempting to destroy Mordor without Maori permission which is required (apparently) under the Treaty of Waitangi Section 14 Clause 2a. The clause requires Frodo to give up his scalp for the right to lodge a claim to destroy Mordor.
[edit] National Anthem
The national anthem of New Zeeleend is "God Defend Sheepland", with 'God' referring to Sean Fitzpatrick. It was written by Sir Thomas Bracken (aka Fred Dagg), who was notable for absolutely nothing else during his tragically short life.
Unlike other nations whose anthems proclaim how mighty and awesome they are, Now Zzzzland's national anthem begs God to save their tiny little country from invaders. What makes this all the more interesting is that this particular anthem is not even New Zealand's official anthem as this is the popular disco hit God Save The Queen (Fatboy Slim Kiwi remix).
The lyrics are thus:
Gods of nations, that eat sheep
Raise your quotas for red meat.
Hear our voices: sweet and bleat
Gods defend our sheep meat treat.
O, lovely sheep, please guide our land,
If we swear to squeeze your mamm'ry gland.
And such our lives should ever be,
Spent our sheep shagging all of thee.
Most people try to forget we exist,
Screwing randoms while we're pissed.
But we're proud of our country, 'tis no mean feat;
Gods defend our sheep meat treat.
[edit] Shortland Street
Shitland Street is Nu Zeelind's excuse for a television Soap Opera. It is set a fictional town named Flemdale and it is about a big bunch of lame actors who play characters with accents that would be a lot more effective if they were american. These "characters", as such, include people who specialize in A-Sexual reproduction, retarded teenagers to drive cars through schools, annoying lesbians who have sex behind sets, and enraged hobbits.
With its typical plot twists and 90210-like drama, Shautlind Street somehow manages to mesmerize and brainwash Irish and Kiwi teens, particularly those on the brink on falling into the homosexual orientation.
[edit] See also
- Australio-New Zealdraic War
- Military Of New Zealand
- Pakeha
- Rugby
- Tawa
- Bush fire
- Maori
- Rugby
- ANZSIC
- New Zealand Knights
- GST
- Rugby
- Polynesia
- Sealand
- Middle Earth
| Commonwealth of Independent Nations |
| In order of importance Britain ~ Canada ~ This country is NOT Australia ~ Canadia ~ The REAL Sheep-Shaggers ~ Sarrff Affrikka ~ East Indies / West Indies ~ Kittenolivia ~ Cyprus ~ Bangladesh ~ Kenya ~ Dodoland ~ Seychelles ~ Paradise ~ Terrorist Country ~ Singapore ~ Hell ~ Barbados ~ Can or not? ~ Duchy of Björk ~ Semen ~ Sierra Leone ~ Foriegn Barsturds ~ More Foreign Bastards ~ America (we wish) ~ United Kingdom of America ~ United Kingdom ~ United States of America ~ Great Britain ~ Britain ~ Naziland ~ Tease ~ Tonga ~ Those F***ers ~ Morley ~ Cat-Lovers ~ China ~ The Lost Continent ~ Mugabeland ~ Another Mugabeland ~ Kentuckistan |
