|New York: The Big Apple Empire|
(And Adjacent Territory)
Map of New York
|Capital:||New York City|
|Government:||Mafia, Cosa Nostra|
|Population:||10 million (more if you believe people live upstate)|
|Official Languages:||City: Pretty much everything. Upstate (rumored):English, Yiddish, French Canadian, Newscaster Midwestern|
|State Motto:|| "The Greatest City In The World"|
"Excelsior!" (Alternate motto proposed by Stan Lee)
|Nicknames:||"The Big Apple", "The Empire State", "Oh, you mean New York City?"|
|Principal Imports:||Immigrants, investment brokers (a.k.a. gamblers), yuppies|
|Principal Exports:||Cows, dairy products, wine, comedians, garbage|
|Climate:||Not quite as cold and snowy as Canada or Minnesota but that's not saying much|
“Sach, dis here ain't doit. Dis is cerl.”
New York, is a city borrowed from the old Indians, who have nothing to do with India. Recently the City of New York was evicted from “Ground 0” – for its refusal to provide a one billion Amero security deposit plus interest retroactive to the birth of Muhammad (c. 570 A.D.). Mayor of Ground Zero, H.E. Donald Trump, was slightly taken-aback by the 9/11 bombings, before retaliating with this eviction notice to New York, both as a City and as a People. The National Guard is on-alert around-the-clock making sure that all traces of New York remain outside the boundaries of Ground Zero. The matter is going up before the Supreme Court in the landmark case, NY v/s G0. About the case Rudolph Giuliani was quoted, "Fuck You!!!"
edit Random Shit About New York
People like wearing shirts that say 'I ♥ NY' even if they've never been there, these people are twats. To be a genuine hipster, you've had to have once lived in or spent a substantial period living in New York 'on Sabbatical... or something.'
- New York is the yuppie capital of the world.
- As you walk down the street make sure to call any angry or psychotic seeming citizen a fag. In New York, yelling out "Fag!" as you walk around will show everyone that you are a good respectable person.
- If you need a place to sleep in NYC the sub way is a sure bet! Just make sure to leave your money and valuable items laid about you.
- New York's sidewalks are covered with sleeping Bums.
- Watch out if you see a kid with a unibrow driving a black mustang through the street, he will probably flip his car over so be careful. Also if you see him in any back alleys, RUN!
- New Yorkers walk at an average speed of 22 miles/hour.
- Residency to Bryan Mincher, not the protege of Russel Hantz.
- Setting for the documentary American Psycho.
- Largest population of CHUDS, Pimps, and Guido's in the world.
- Every movie ever made takes place in New York City.
- New York City is the capital of the richest people that you'll never know.
It is thought that New York had pre-McDonaldian peoples living in the great big shit hole known as New York way before Daffy Duck, Lenni Lenape or even Chuck Norris had discovered America. When the island had a population of 12 including cattle and a dog called Colin a rather obese Dutchman came over and wanted to buy the island to build a dock there so he had a safe place to store his various drugs. In 1522 A.D. he struck a deal with the 11 animals there (Colin got killed by a lesser spotted homophobic chihuahua). The island was bought for a kettle, a panini and two tickets to cricket match between Paris Hilton and a block of lithium.(the lithium won 200 to -5). Afterwards the dock grew in prestige and royal snobberyism until Lenni Lenape attacked with three guards against the most important port in the whole east coast(come to think of it, it was the only one). Lenni Lenape won the battle and renamed Port happyslapper to Doodyville in 420 A.D.
This Renamed port was a refuge for lost mimes, musicians, and generally anybody who isn't liked, along with marionettes (who are liked). Since it floundered, the Lenape decided to locate Minni-Sexual-Bear, their least favorite sachem (Lenape for "pointy haired president"), in a place called the "Island Where We All Got Drunk" (Manna-hatta). When Henry Hudson came up the Hudson River (figuring that a river named for oneself wouldn't be too bad), he found Minni-Sexual-Bear bound and gagged by the Mesingwa Society, a group of people in half-white, half-red masks founded for the purpose of fraternity hazing. Hudson had one of his men drink moonshine and shoot the poor sachem, whereupon both the Dutchman and Sachem got cursed and retreated into the hills, later to frighten Rip van Winkle.
Hudson went back to Holland, found the boy with his finger in the dike, and suggested that he go over to Manna Hatta to buy the area from the Dutch, err, Lenape. So Pete Stuyvesant, this boy, took his finger out of the dike, whereupon he caused the flood he was preventing, thus breaking his leg. Anyhow, he went across the sea, only to find that the Lenape had no pocket change, just some jewelry called "wampum". So he attempted to trade jewelry for "wampum", and he decided that this was worth $24.00. (The real price was $1.54, but Stuyvesant lied to his boss about it to make the Lenape seem more impressive.)
So Stuyvesant brought over Dutch, Flemish, Bulgarians, Indonesians, hookers, sworn enemies, drunkards, deported convicts and welfare moms, as well as Mr. and Mrs. Liberty. The Liberties had one child who, due to living on the power lines, is green, made of stone, and is a couple hundred feet tall. She later married The Thing from the fantastic four, who is actually Michael Chiklis from The Shield who after a allergic reaction to some bad sushi made by colonel sanders, looks like a giant stone. But that's another story.
The Dutch, unfortunately, spent too much on tearoom marijuana ("cannabis"), and they were hung over from Red Light District fun. That led the British to swindle the Dutch out of what was then called "New I-don't-give-a-damn" in a game of ping pong. They renamed the city to "New Joke", as what the city was at the time was a joke - a bunch of assholes crammed into a bunch of little brick houses, full of squealing pigs, with one stinky canal in the backyard, and (for some reason) a windmill. (Speculation is that the windmill was for whacking unlucky Lenape warriors on the head, but this was never proven.)
The British partied and then burned the city down (due to some war with the native Anglo-Americans, aka "riffraff" or "Patriots"). The locals hated this, so they took over the city and proceeded to burn it down again some twenty or thirty years later. This is why you don't see too many colonial buildings in NYC.
Having gotten tired of ritual arson, the New Yorkers turned to building transportation infrastructure instead (with prizes awarded for "Most Highfalutin' Railroad" and "Biggest Bridge to Nowhere", among other things. This led to such oddities as the Brooklyn Bris, the Crazy Trolley, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, the "elevated" (which is a subway built in the wrong direction), the Merry Go-Round, the railroad ferries, and Penn Central (the railroad that prized itself for always being late and dirty). Skyscrapers rose. People came in from all over the world, and then (of course) got into a fight with each other over baseball.
Baseball was invented as a means of whining about people from the other side of town. Someone took a ball, hit it with a stick, and a window would be broken somewhere, and that would start a war that ended, inevitably, with your neighbor goatseing you in your overcrowded tenement. Ima Weiner had the bright idea of getting a random man off the street, gracing him with a woman's name ("Babe Ruth"), and having him build a barn (which the New Yorkers consider to be a "stadium"). Brooklyn, which was on the other side of the Southeast Flood, had its own stadium (which was called a field because Brooklyners thought "stadium" sounded too Chinese). The Polo Grounds, named for Ralph Lauren in an early attempt at corporate marketing, was near the new "Stadium". A donkey was paraded by the Polo Grounds people to the Stadium, and so it became Donkey Stadium. The name was neoyorkized to "Yankee Stadium" over time.
Two World's Fairs were held. (Picture Walt Disney World being dumped into Queens and you have the gist of that: long lines, whiny tourists, and the occasional moment of fun.) An attempt was also made to hold an Olympics, but bad politics made it slip away to London. (Moral of that story: never trust people named Sheldon Silver to agree with you.)
Meanwhile, New York did nothing from 1950 to 1970, except for one of the World's Fairs (motto: "Shrinking a Man in an Expanding Universe While Growing Up Yourself"), and so it found itself bankrupt. This led Gerald Ford to tell it to "drop dead", a call which the city largely ignored, mostly because New Yorkers were rediscovering the tradition of burning the city down. Subways went unmaintained (except by graffiti artists). Elevated highways starved to death and collapsed. Piers on the Hudson had sex with each other. Buildings crumbled and dropped pieces onto Wile E. Coyote's head. But New York's mayor whined that his city was Too Big To Fail, and so it got a lot of money and now it's back to bustling... and arguing.... and doing nothing... again. The subways lost their graffiti in a controversial decision to make the trains "look cool" (some said it was the graffiti that made them look cool, and then a Republican had to come and punch them in the face. Bernie Goetz learned the art of subway fighting by such means.)
Now NY is home to all the "greatest" people in the world. These include: Satan, Jebus, The Association of Smart Homeless International Travelers Having Old Ladies Everywhere (ASHITHOLE), and the Rats of New Amsterdam. At least the Hudson no longer stinks of crap, and the occasional fish has been spotted in the river. Also Godzilla once went there to battle Ferris Bueller and was defeated.
New York allegedly has a governor and a two-house legislature, but such claims are hotly debated: most New Yorkers will say that the active seat of government lies with the Mayor and with the United Nations. Those who deny the existance of the legislature point to the absence of a state budget for the last 25 years. Historical records of the existence of the Legislature have been brought forward to explain this discrepancy, the earliest such dating back to the Continental Congress of Philidelphia in 1776. The reference was given by delegate Lewis Morris to acting President John Hancock: "Mr. President, have you ever been present at a meeting of the New York legislature? They speak very fast and very loud, and nobody listens to anybody else, with the result that nothing ever gets done."
By the most reliable accounts, the Legislature of New York has continued this fine historical tradition. The last known public works project attributed to the government was Clinton's Ditch, a canal connecting New York City to the Great Lakes through the Upstate Wildlands. The canal brought trade and prosperity to the area: the primary goods carried along it were grain, apples, garbage, scrap metal and interns. The position of governor in New York has long been held in disrepute: a sampling of governors over the past three decades include a failed talk radio pundit, a sex addict and a blind man.
edit Current Events
Rudy Giuliani is no longer the mayor. Some trillionaire by the name of Doomberg has been the mayor for a while. He has the odd habit of riding his SUV to the subway station, taking the subway, and then doing the Hokey Pokey before settling down at work in his Tammany Hall office. Meanwhile, bums have taken up the art of sleeping in parks and Penn Station. The owner of the Madison Square Garden, which has been fucking Penn Station since the 1960s, has said he was "not moving" (apparently the Garden has already come and is now asleep). Grand Central Station has called out "ha ha!" to Penn Station because of this.
The New York Post is the most trustworthy paper in the city. It labels all Democrats as heroes, Gods, and lovers, all Republicans as jagoffs and fags, and it gives a lot of semi-true crime stories about your mom having fun with her aunt's friend's old boyfriend in public. Its great rival is the Daily News, and when politics is in season (as it often is) the two papers take opposite sides as they prepare to wrestle.
Doomberg passed a law to make it possible to run for a third term even though it was previously illegal so that he could make the city a brand new piss hole and a bum vacation destination.
As of 2014, Doomberg has been replaced by some dude named de BLAAAH-sio who wants the crime in that shithole to go to infinity and beyond.
edit Clean up NY
A recent campaign to get New Yorkers to recycle was launched by Oscar the Grouch of 123.25 Sesame Street ("oooh, a lot of garbage to concentrate and add to my house"). When asked for comment he said "BITCH I LIVE IN A FUCKIN' TRASH CAN". (The media interpreted this as "declining to comment".) Rudy Giuliani is a friend from higher places known as the city government wanting to help his city, but soon Oscar the grouch disappeared from sight and was declared "missing" until one day his body and trash can was found in the East River.
The campaign said "do your part to clean up New York, Recycle." But the campaign actually caused people to litter because they know its gonna take a lot more than recycling to clean up NY. Anyhow, they're busy seeing something and saying something because of 9/11, whatever that was. (I heard legends about some large and famous building falling down, but such myths must have been muddled over the ages. Since when do large objects fall down, especially if famous?)
Most of the population of New York resides in and around New York City. Those that are rich enough but not rich enough to build skyscrapers at the city's astronomical land prices tend to migrate to other parts of surrounding Long Island where the beaches aren't too covered in trash floating in from the sea.
Beyond New York City lies the yuppie wonderland of Westchester County, including the cities of Yonkers, White Plains, Mount Vernon, and New Rochelle, as well as numerous samaller towns, More recently, the yuppies have felt the need to push northward to the extent of "Dutchess County", citing the lack of sticks to jam up their assholes.
The land north and west of Westchester is collectively known as the Upstate Wildlands, usually shortened to "Upstate". Although Upstate makes up the largest portion of land in the New York territories, very little is actually known about it. Historians believe that before the white man came it was inhabited by the Iriquois, a larger and much smarter nation of Indian tribes who would never have sold Manhattan for such a low price. But many of them made the mistake of siding with the British in the American Revolution, so the Americans killed a lot of them and helped start a civil war to break up the rest. Over the next 200 years, adventurers and opportunists flocked to Upstate, mostly along the Hudson River and Clinton's Ditch. However, through the mid 20th century the used as a dumping ground by General Electric (along the Hudson and Mohawk rivers), Kodak (along Lake Ontario and the lesser known Hooker Chemical Company (which polluted its territory, the Love Canal, with tons of toxic STDs, leading to many birth defects). This dumping of toxic materials in the land between White Plains and Canada allegedly made Upstate uninhabitable for any life.
Since tougher environmental laws have been passed, a few people are again beginning to remember that Upstate exists and are daring to venture there again. Its major regions (and what little is known of them) include:
- General Upstate: Never live here. Ever.
- The Hudson River Valley: Most of this territory is claimed by New York City, although conflicting claims have been made by stakeholders in the Albany region. As such, the southern Valley is seen as a continuation of Westchester, but with more cows.
- The Catskill Mountians: New York's smaller and less famous mountian range, The Catskills were a long-respected vacation destination of New York entertainers. In spite of the heavy Yiddish influence, no one is really sure why the area was called the "Borcht Belt".
- The Capital District: This may seem like a misnomer - everyone knows New York City is the capital - but early in New York's history, a splinter group of Dutch settlers broke off from Manhattan and founded the city of Albany (named by the British after they took it over), claiming it as the new capital. The Governor and the Legislature are rumored to have their seat here. Albany is surrounded by several adjacent slums, including the cities of Schenectady (HQ of General Electric) and Troy. Nearby Saratoga survives as a yuppie outpost, funded mostly by the horse racetrack, which since Victorian times has made city streets impassible during the month of August, where and when a major race, the Travers Stakes, has continued to be held every year and broadcast on TV in spite of the waste-dumping crisis.
- The Adirondack Mountians: The Adirondacks, it turns out, were saved from environmental catastrophe because 19th century environmentalists got to it first - the air isn't polluted and you can actually drink from its many small lakes without dying. The Southern Adirondacks are continually engaged in border conflicts with neighboring Vermont over who gets the most tourist dollars. The Northern Adirondacks are a vast wilderness, sparsely inhabited by mountain men and French-Canadian invaders from Quebec to the north (an invasion most people forgive because they bring butter tarts with them). Many Adirondackers will call these Candian invaders assholes for no exact reason but their extremely horrible driving skills.
- The Thousand Islands: A mostly insignificant region of New York west of the Adirondacks (and with way fewer tourists) along the border with Canada at the St. Lawrence River. It's main claim to fame is Thousand Island salad dressing and it's key historical contribution was being a smugglers' haven for transporting Canadian booze during Prohibition.
- Northern New York: An extremely insignificant region of New York north of the Adirondacks, which looks like a cross between Appalachia and Nebraska. Rednecks and the Amish. Kids from Lawn Guyland go to college up here, especially to the Crane School of Music (which is not in Germany) and Clarkson University. Getting up to Northern New York takes forever because you are usually stuck between an Amish buggy or a farm tractor that smells like manure. Northern New York can be considered New York's Siberia or New York's hat, just like how Canada is America's hat.
- So-Called-Central New York: Because New York City is the actual center of the universe, but this is the geographical center of Upstate. A snowy wasteland that allegedly contains the fabled Greek and Italian cities of Syracuse, Utica and Rome, long buried under several feet of lake effect snow.
- The Finger Lakes Region: Primarily known as a producer of wine. Legend has it that while their husbands were busy getting drunk, their wives snuck off to Seneca Falls to start plotting how to get the vote, and their eventual overthrow of the patriarchy. Legend also has it that the Mormons sprung into being here, coming out in droves from the ground of the sacred Cumorah Hill, and received the Book of Mormon on gold tablets from the heavens (much better than stone tablets). Thousands of pilgrims flock back to the spot every year to re-enact the event and hold massive door-knocking parties. Rochester, the home of the ruins of Kodak, sits to the northwest on Lake Ontario.
- The Southern Tier: Mostly rural land that has been at least partly absorbed by Western Pennsylvania. People here call Binghamton "The City" because they're too far removed from New York City to know any better and because it's the only thing resembling a real city for miles around.
- Buffalo-Niagara: The area around Buffalo and Niagara Falls would be a frozen wasteland like Central New York if it weren't for a few important differences: the trade brought in by Clinton's Ditch, the power of Niagara Falls to provide both electricity and tourist dollars to warm homes, and the invention of the buffalo spicy chicken wing, which when combined with beer, is protection against any extreme climate. Somehow, Buffalo also claims a major football team, the Buffalo Bills, whose tribe of fanboys spread as far east as the Syracuse region. They're heralded as four-time AFC Champions because no one likes to say that they lost the Super Bowl four times in a row.
- Lawn Guyland:Lawn Guyland is da best part of da New York State. Ju could get some good cawfee, walk your dawg at some parks, or take your dawghter to the Hamptons for her sweet sixteen. Oh yeah, JLo lives her.
edit Export of Comedians and Celebrities
To understand the appeal of New York-born entertainment (many of them allegedly part of the Zionist Conspiracy), it is important to understand the NYC attitude. A graphic example from real life, Moshie meets Ira, sees his long face, and asks, "Ira! Why you look sad?" Ira shrugs and says, "Two weeks ago my uncle died!" Moshie is sorry to hear this until Ira says, "Yes, but he left me four million dollars!" Moshie says, "great! So why you look so sad?" Ira replies, "Well, last week my grandmother died!" Moshie is sorry to hear this until Ira says, "Yes, but she left me nine million dollars!" Moshie says, "great! So why you look so sad?" Ira replies,"This week, nothing!"
edit Wall Street
Because Wall Street has had one of its many hangovers, NY owes New jersey some money (or maybe Uncle Sam owes everyone some money). That money comes to the total of $4.5 trillion. You DO have the money right? NO? Well, I AM SHOCKED! I mean when I gave you that money, I was doing YOU a personal favor. I mean I said have the money by Friday, or I break your legs. But, alas, I must look like Marcellus Wallace cause your treating me like a bitch. Anyhow, Enough Chit-Chat. Vito, hand me my bat. (whack!) Analogy, New York is like Lindsay Lohan. Spend your money on bullshit, have a lot of sex, and get away with everything because you are from "the world's greatest city."
edit See also
- New York City
- New York Accent
- New York Yankees
- New York Mets
- New York Jets
- New York Times
- God vs. New York
- 1846 Uncyclopedia Convention at Aurora, New York
- 1901 Uncyclopedia Supreme Symposium Spectacular at Buffalo, New York