New York
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“FUCK YOU!”
~ New Yorker to New Yorker and vice versa
“Joe Pesci!”
~ New York native George Carlin tells names what god he prays to
“Satch, dis here ain't doit. Dis is cerl.”
~ Terence Aloysius Mahoney
Fuck You or New York, is a city borrowed from the old Indians, who never heard of India, living there. This tribe will discover, too late, that there is a country where EVERYONE is an "Indian", viz., India. Like I give a shit! Today, one Indian tribe known as the WASP Nation of Long Island and Vermont, pretty much are gone but still in charge of everything. Yeah? Well, "fuck you!" in a New York minute. Why do I even bother to write about something of which I know nothing? Just to piss-you-off, ass hole! Alright, already!?
Recently the City of New York was evicted from “Ground 0” – for its refusal to provide a one billion Amero security deposit plus interest retroactive to the birth of Muhammad (c. 570 AD). Mayor of Ground Zero, H.E. Donald Trump, was slightly taken-aback by the 9/11 bombings, before retaliating with this eviction notice to New York, both as a City and as a People. The National Guard is on-alert around-the-clock making sure that all traces of New York remain outside the boundries of Ground Zero. The matter is going up before the Supreme Court in the landmark case, NY v/s G0. About the case Rudolph Giuliani was quoted, "Fuck You!!!"
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[edit] Example of New York Jews
It is important to understand the NYC attitude. A graphic example from real life, Moshie meets Ira, sees his long face, and asks, "Ira! Why you look sad?" Ira shrugs and says, "2 weeks ago my uncle died!" Moshie is sorry to hear this until Ira says, "Yes, but he left me 4 million dollars!" Moshie says, "great! So why you look so sad?" Ira replies, "Well, last week my grandmother died!" Moshie is sorry to hear this until Ira says, "Yes, but she left me 9 million dollars!" Moshie says, "great! So why you look so sad?" Ira replies,"This week, nothing!" - The logical conclusion from this is that nothing makes a NYC Jew unhappy. Like I give-a shit.
[edit] Random Shit About New York
People like wearing shirts that say 'I ♥ NY' even if they've never been there, these people are twats. To be a genuine hipster, you've had to have once lived in or spent a substantial period living in New York 'on Sabbatical... or something.'
- New York has a strong sent of Urine
- New York's sidewalks are covered with sleeping Bums.
[edit] History
It is thought that New York had pre-mcdonaldian peoples living in the great big shithole known as New york way before Daffy Duck, Lenni Lenape or even Chuck Norris had discovered America. When the island had a population of 12 including cattle and a dog called colin a rather obese dutchman came over and wanted to buy the island to build a dock there so he had a safe place to store his various drugs. In 1522 AD he struck a deal with the 11 animals there(colin got killed by a lesser spotted homophobic chihuahua). The island was bought for a kettle, a panini and 2 tickets to cricket match between paris hilton and a block of lithium.(the lithium won 200 to -5). Afterwards the dock grew in prestige and royal snobberyism until Lenni Lenape attacked with 3 guards against the most important port in the whole east coast(come to think of it, it was the only one). Lenni Lenape won the battle and renamed Port happyslapper to Doodyville in 420 AD.
This Renamed port was a refuge for lost mimes, musicians, and generally anybody who isn't liked, along with marionettes (who are liked). Since it floundered, the Lenape decided to locate Minni-Sexual-Bear, their least favorite sachem (Lenape for "pointy haired president"), in a place called the "Island Where We All Got Drunk" (Manna-hatta). When Henry Hudson came up the Hudson River (figuring that a river named for oneself wouldn't be too bad), he found Minni-Sexual-Bear bound and gagged by the Mesingwa Society, a group of people in half-white, half-red masks founded for the purpose of fraternity hazing. Hudson had one of his men drink moonshine and shoot the poor sachem, whereupon both the Dutchman and Sachem got cursed and retreated into the hills, later to frighten Rip van Winkle.
Hudson went back to Holland, found the boy with his finger in the dike, and suggested that he go over to Manna Hatta to buy the area from the Dutch, err, Lenape. So Pete Stuyvesant, this boy, took his finger out of the dike, whereupon he caused the flood he was preventing, thus breaking his leg. Anyhow, he went across the sea, only to find that the Lenape had no pocket change, just some jewelry called "wampum". So he attempted to trade jewelry for "wampum", and he decided that this was worth $24.00. (The real price was $1.54, but Stuyvesant lied to his boss about it to make the Lenape seem more impressive.)
Fact: Stuyvesant just love them Big jewish sweaty penises.
So Stuyvesant brought over Dutch, Flemish, Bulgarians, Indonesians, hookers, sworn enemies, drunkards, deported convicts and welfare moms, as well as Mr. and Mrs. Liberty. The Liberties had one child who, due to living on the power lines, is green, made of stone, and is a couple hundred feet tall. She later married The Thing from the fantastic four, who is actually Michael Chiklis from The Shield who after a allergic reaction to some bad sushi made by colonel sanders, looks like a giant stone. But that's another story.
The Dutch, unfortunately, spent too much on tearoom marijuana ("cannabis"), and they were hung over from Red Light District fun. That led the British to swindle the Dutch out of what was then called "New I-don't-give-a-damn" in a game of ping pong. They renamed the city to "New Joke", as what the city was at the time was a joke - a bunch of assholes crammed into a bunch of little brick houses, full of squealing pigs, with one stinky canal in the backyard, and (for some reason) a windmill. (Speculation is that the windmill was for whacking unlucky Lenape warriors on the head, but this was never proven.)
The British partied and then burned the city down (due to some war with the native Anglo-Americans, aka "riffraff" or "Patriots"). The locals hated this, so they took over the city and proceeded to burn it down again some twenty or thirty years later. This is why you don't see too many colonial buildings in NYC.
Having gotten tired of ritual arson, the New Yorkers turned to building transportation infrastructure instead (with prizes awarded for "Most Highfalutin' Railroad" and "Biggest Bridge to Nowhere", among other things. This led to such oddities as the Brooklyn Bris, the Crazy Trolley, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, the "elevated" (which is a subway built in the wrong direction), the Merry Go-Round, the railroad ferries, and Penn Central (the railroad that prized itself for always being late and dirty). Skyscrapers rose. People came in from all over the world, and then (of course) got into a fight with each other over baseball.
Fact II: The informal New Yorker greeting is "Fuck you".
Baseball was invented as a means of whining about people from the other side of town. Someone took a ball, hit it with a stick, and a window would be broken somewhere, and that would start a war that ended, inevitably, with your neighbor goatseing you in your overcrowded tenement. Ima Weiner had the bright idea of getting a random man off the street, gracing him with a woman's name ("Babe Ruth"), and having him build a barn (which the New Yorkers consider to be a "stadium"). Brooklyn, which was on the other side of the Southeast Flood, had its own stadium (which was called a field because Brooklyners thought "stadium" sounded too Chinese). The Polo Grounds, named for Ralph Lauren in an early attempt at corporate marketing, was near the new "Stadium". A donkey was paraded by the Polo Grounds people to the Stadium, and so it became Donkey Stadium. The name was neoyorkized to "Yankee Stadium" over time.
Two World's Fairs were held. (Picture Walt Disney World being dumped into Queens and you have the gist of that: long lines, whiney tourists, and the occasional moment of fun.) An attempt was also made to hold an Olympics, but bad politics made it slip away to London. (Moral of that story: never trust people named Sheldon Silver to agree with you.)
Meanwhile, New York did nothing from 1950 to 1970, except for one of the World's Fairs (motto: "Shrinking a Man in an Expanding Universe While Growing Up Yourself"), and so it found itself bankrupt. This led Gerald Ford to tell it to "drop dead", a call which the city largely ignored, mostly because New Yorkers were rediscovering the tradition of burning the city down. Subways went unmaintained (except by graffiti artists). Elevated highways starved to death and collapsed. Piers on the Hudson had sex with each other. Buildings crumbled and dropped pieces onto Wile E. Coyote's head. But New York's mayor whined that his city was Too Big To Fail, and so it got a lot of money and now it's back to bustling... and arguing.... and doing nothing... again. The subways lost their graffiti in a controversial decision to make the trains "look cool" (some said it was the graffiti that made them look cool, and then a Republican had to come and punch them in the face. Bernie Goetz learned the art of subway fighting by such means.)
Now NY is home to all the "greatest" people in the world. These include: Satan, Jebus, The Association of Smart Homeless International Travelers Having Old Ladys Everywhere (ASHITHOLE), and the Rats of New Amsterdam. At least the Hudson no longer stinks of crap, and the occasional fish has been spotted in the river.
Fact III: More Puerto Ricans live in New York than the island of Puerto Rico!!! J-Lo is living proof, along with her partner-in-crime, Rosie Perez.
[edit] Current Events
Rudy Giuliani is no longer the mayor. Some rich guy by the name of Doomberg has been the mayor for a while. He has the odd habit of riding his SUV to the subway station, taking the subway, and then doing the Hokey Pokey before settling down at work in his Tammany Hall office. Meanwhile, bums have taken up the art of sleeping in parks and Penn Station. The owner of the Madison Square Garden, which has been fucking Penn Station since the 1960s, has said he was "not moving" (apparently the Garden has already come and is now asleep). Grand Central Station has called out "ha ha!" to Penn Station because of this.
The New York Post is the most trustworthy paper in the city. It labels all Democrats as heros, Gods, and lovers, all Republicans as jagoffs and fags, and it gives a lot of semi-true crime stories about your mom having fun with her aunt's friend's old boyfriend in public. Its great rival is the Daily News, and when politics is in season (as it often is) the two papers take opposite sides as they prepare to wrestle.
Doomberg passed a law to make it possible to run for a third term even though it was previously illegal so that he could make the city a brand new pisshole and a bum vacation destination
[edit] Debts
Because Wall Street has had one of its many hangovers, NY owes New jersey some money (or maybe Uncle Sam owes everyone some money). That money comes to the total of $4.5 trillion. You DO have the money right? NO? Well, I AM SHOCKED! I mean when I gave you that money, I was doing YOU a personal favor. I mean I said have the money by friday, or I break your legs. But, alas, I must look like Marcellus Wallace cause your treating me like a bitch. Anyhow, Enough Chit-Chat. Vito, hand me my bat. (whack!) Analogy, New York is like Lindsay Lohan. Spend your money on bullshit, have a lot of sex, and get away with everything because you are from "the world's greatest city."
Barack Obama, John McCain, and George Bush claim to have nothing to do with this pwnage and that's true because New York's hate the far right and the far left. This is why they love Hillary Clinton, that left wing nut job.
[edit] Sights and Smells
What is that smell? I mean it smells like J-Lo's morning breath, Lindsay Lohan armpits, and burnt hair. What is this? OH MY GOD. There is a severed hand in my hot dog. I was warned about dealing with street vendors but I thought 1 hot dog wouldn't hurt. Well, my bad. My bad.
[edit] Clean up NY
A recent campaign to get New Yorkers to recycle was launched by Oscar the Grouch of 123.25 Sesame Street ("oooh, a lot of garbage to concentrate and add to my house"). When asked for comment he said "BITCH I LIVE IN A FUCKIN' TRASH CAN". (The media interpreted this as "declining to comment".) Rudy Giuliani is a friend from higher places known as the city government wanting to help his city, but soon Oscar the grouch disappeared from sight and was declared "missing" until one day his body and trash can was found in the East River.
The campaign said "do your part to clean up New York, Recycle." But the campaign actually caused people to litter because they know its gunna take a lot more than recycling to clean up NY. Anyhow, they're busy seeing something and saying something because of 9/11, whatever that was. (I heard legends about some large and famous building falling down, but such myths must have been muddled over the ages. Since when do large objects fall down, especially if famous?)
[edit] See Also
- New York City
- New York accent
- God vs. New York
- 1846 Uncyclopedia Convention at Aurora, New York
- 1901 Uncyclopedia Supreme Symposium Spectacular at Buffalo, New York
- 9/11
- This is a disambiguation page. This means we're trying to make sense of things. Stop us, now.
