New World Order
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Give me control of a nation's money and I care not who makes the laws”
“I call for a New World Order”
“I call for a New World Order of fries, and a large chocolate shake”
The New World Order (pronounced New World Hors d'oeuvres) is a vast and ancient global conspiracy that ultimately aims to create one world government and steal your dinner money.
Originally it was called just the World Order but that did not have required panache so they threw in the word New to make it sound better as part of a new age marketing hype that seems to be working these days. The word Hors d'oeuvres was later used to further their avant garde image and chic, appealing membership. It will probably be dictatorial with free trade and three branches of government that we will call democracy but actually will only exist so we look good. Fascist sure, but no one will care because those who did will all be dead. Whatever the government will look like, it is certain that they will attain power by encouraging drug use, promiscuity, and nuclear warfare. They will kick your ass should you plot against them. Unfortunately, while this stuff was considered terrifying to 18th-century people, it is pretty mundane by 21st-century standards (a recent USA Today-Fox News poll showed that 63% percent of people don't find any of this particularly frightening, and would actually find any New World Order government a refreshing change of pace. Except non-Aryans would have a tough time fitting in...)
“The New World Order is like the Old World Order except that it has new bedsheets.”
Understanding this large, complicated effort requires some knowledge of the motivations of the peripherally involved groups that are actively fighting the Ketchup Manufacturers. They are known as the Bilderbergers in German, but in English as the Burgerbuilders.
Due to complex geo-political and socio-economic factors, an unexpected but necessary result of quantum physics, and certain chemical, physiological, and psychological qualities peculiar to humans (all of which are far too complex to explain here, even briefly), the chief factor in securing peace and happiness for mankind lies in the control of the world's supply of napkins. You're just going to have to trust me on this one.
Also, most conspiracy theorists agree that the New World Order is a major building block towards a New Universal Order.
For many centuries, human society existed in a sort of continual chaotic flux, with empires rising and falling, and entire civilizations occasionally being wiped out. With the invention of napkins, this tumultuous existence settled down somewhat, and as napkins become cheaper and more widely available around the globe, prosperity and peace increase. The United States, for example, has many napkins. Iran has relatively few. See? I told you there is a correlation.
During the Middle Ages, when production of napkins stagnated, and it is during this period that many of the aforementioned groups had their inception. These groups were faced with the need to keep the flow of napkins active, yet burdened with the knowledge that if the general public knew of the effects that napkins have on human society, hoarding of the napkins would ensue and society would degrade into chaos. To avoid this, most of the groups acted in secrecy, ironically leading to speculation that they were in fact trying to "take over the world."
About this time, two crucially important things happened. First, Tomatoes were discovered in the Americas. Second, a figure unknown to historians (though widely believed to be Oscar Wilde) was told of the strange powers of napkins. COINCIDENCE? I DON'T THINK SO!
This figure had developed a lust for political power and an insatiable drive to acquire it and replace the current world order with a new one. A master at working behind the scenes, he had tricked several of the protector groups into trying to recruit him, mistakenly subscribing to the belief that the shadowy groups possessed massive amounts of political power. This figure also had recently started a business of growing and selling the newly popular tomatoes.
Upon his discovery of the napkin effect, "The Man," as he had come to be known, remembered an experiment in his tomato laboratory in which a pureed tomato was mixed with vinegar, corn syrup, and spices. A small amount of this pasty substance spilled onto the labcoat of Durga, one of the lab technicians. The technician immediately grabbed the nearest napkin to clean up the spill, effectively destroying the napkin. The level of chaos in the room immediately increased by 0.5%. The Man thought nothing of it at the time, but with his newly-acquired knowledge of napkins, he realized that he had a powerful weapon available. With enough of this tomato-based substance, he would be able to nullify the effect of large quantities of napkins, and "catch up" on years worth of political struggle, consolidating power from the resulting chaos quickly and effectively.
Marketing his weapon as a condiment, The Man rapidly convinced large numbers of people to cover a vast array of foods with large quantities of the substance, which he named "Ketchup" after the political gains it allowed him to make. Roughly one-third of the worlds supply of napkins was destroyed over the period of the next six years.
This massive depletion of the stabilizing effects of napkins created much chaos in the world, which The Man was able to manipulate into political power for himself.
Problems with the New World Order
“The US State Department, RCMP, CIA, Secret Service, Girl Guides of North America, 9/11 Commission, FBI, it's all part of the NWO”
There are very few problems that will actually occur. One such problem will be that the government will have to deal with the rebellions that will almost certainly occur. But no matter because they will kill them all, starting with people like me, as I am a sad wanker, a useful idiot who does their bidding, trying to make you think the New World Order isn't real. See you in the camps!
The only other feasible problem with the NWO is that once the dictators have absolute power, they alone will have to deal with the problems of society. But they will just kill anyone that has problems so the problem will be solved.
Supposedly, they made coffins for everyone they kill, which is nice, since if i was a dictator aspiring to create a New World Order and rule the world the first thing i would do is make sure everybody has coffins.
The main problem with the New World Order is that three dictators come in and take over. That's cool, that's exciting, we actually feel like we're being invaded. Alright. But then they start wheeling different guys out on the news every Monday night and YET ANOTHER SHOCKING DEFECTION TAKES PLACE and the whole thing grows even more bloated. Their cool entrance now takes forever and Murdoch is taking 'em out on the road to do a PPV at Sturgis and Jay Leno gets involved. Yuck. Even worse, the lone babyface hero, say, Obama, rises against them and terrorises their rituals for like a year, then at the big PPV, David Cameron or someone runs in and decks the ref and we can't even get a clean finish. That's why the NWO fails ultimately.
The New New World Order
The New New World Order is un-officially a splinter group from the New World Order. Unofficially, it is one of the New World Order's few successors. It is mostly made up of the younger, more innovative NWO members. The NNWO has had great success recruiting using college fraternities.
Its platform includes a plan to bring about a world revolution through "excessive partying", booze, and huge orgies, and will be led by some drunk that will not even realize what he is doing until the short lived empire falls. And let me tell you, it will fall fast once the original and more powerful NWO finds out about it.
The NNWO, however, is doomed to suffer the same fate as the Fascism countries of WWII. In the mean time the NNWO members enjoy submitting propaganda web sites to Digg and Reddit in order to fool us all into their way of live and indoctrinate everyone else into the NNWO.
The NNWO is run by George Soros while the NWO is run by David Rockefeller, which is the real reason why the NWO and the NNWO haven't taken over the world yet, because they are polarized into a right and left wing, much like the USA and other nations are as well. The Left Wing is run by George Soros who employs Liberals to write blogs, Wikis, and news articles using propaganda to manipulate people via fear of Global Warming, Peak Oil, and termism, so they'll buy more things and make them rich. The NWO is run by David Rockefeller who uses corporations and Fox News and Neocons to create propaganda about Liberals and Terrorists in the NNWO to manipulate people with fear so they'll buy things and make them rich. So basically both parts blame the other part and then use that fear to make more people buy their products to get rich. Which is, of course, part of the NWO/NNWO business plan, which works great, except for the taking over the world part, which does not work so great.
Many attempts at thwarting the New World Order by the protective secret societies proved unsuccessful, and Ketchup (also spelled "Catsup" in an attempt to confuse enemies of The Man) quickly grew in popularity. Out of desperation at the unprecedented threat level of The Man and his Ketchup, in 1668 a secret joint meeting of Oprah Winfrey and Illuminati was held in an attempt to consolidate their plans for combating The Man and combating his secret armies of Ketchup Manufacturers.
This meeting led to the formation of a new group, focused on masonic craftsmanship with the idea to build large numbers of warehouses out of brick (or stone) and mortar, in which vast quantities of napkins could be stored, protecting them from the devastating effects of Ketchup while at the same time providing a reserve for use during times when napkin production lulled. The group also embraced the idea of not having dues, and so named themselves, "Freemasons."
Unfortunately, the group failed from the very beginning to secure adequate resources and napkins, and ultimately failed to do more than hold The Ketchup Manufacturers at bay.
The group eventually splintered into several other groups (see Freemasons for more details) and large numbers of the various splinter groups were eventually rounded up and eaten by Oprah Winfrey, ironically covered in Ketchup.
The New World Order Today
As time progressed, the Ketchup Manufacturers grew in power and influence. They also became more organized and developed an internal beaurocracy and waged a highly effective smear campaign against those trying to fight the New World Order. The Ketchup Manufacturers eventually succeeded in convincing most of the world that its enemies were the true source behind the New World Order. To further secure their power, the Ketchup Manufacturers have also re-written the history books to make it appear as though the Freemasons were in fact gathering "sanitary napkins" instead of regular napkins, to ensure that as few people as possible know about the napkin effect.
The Man eventually died of old age, but his influence and title continue to be passed down to this day. The attempt by the Ketchup Manufacturers to completely dominate the world continues even now, fought be the few remaining Freemasons, the Republicans, and Morgan Freeman. Over time, the Ketchup Manufacturers even created several splinter groups which also work behind the scenes to secure power for the current The Man and to help bring the New World Order to fruition. These groups include the United Nations, the European Union, the Trilateral Commission, the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund, the International Mad Scientist Convention, the World Trade Organization, the Stonecutters, the International House of Pancakes. Alliances have also been formed with several species of Aliens. Some rumors suggest that agents of The Man have even infiltrated the ranks of the Freemasons.
The New World Disorder
If you knew the whole story, you would commit "suicide" by locking yourself into your car's trunk and driving it into a lake. So don't expect the following to be fully accurate. In 2001, a girl named Jamie, who heard a voice telling her, "Use the farce, Jamie," wrote a spoof of then-recent events that began as follows.
Recount followed recount until the Florida Supreme Court passed statute 13 gazillion, section umpteen, chapter 137, title 2.3 (a, requiring election workers to punch chads for the presidential candidate with the longest name. This was by all means Maximilien Bipartisan Bipartisan Robespierre. President Tripartisan, who claimed to be tripartisan, was furious, but there was little he could do. The presidential crime-and-pardon network was too dangerous...
Rather than put Jamie on medication, The New World Order decided to implement her vision in detail, and even decided that since she had such great ideas, she should make future decisions for the world. In return for not medicating her, Jamie then chose her favorite NWO nurse to lead a new counter-establishment (or dis-establishment) to balance the ketchup moguls that dominated the Order and to create the New World Disorder. As this news leaks out, everyone involved still wonders what the ketchup-or salsa-is going on.
Looking Towards the Future
The popularity of Ketchup continues to grow, destroying millions of precious napkins each day. This despite tremendous efforts such as the "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" series of anti-tomato propaganda films, the retaliatory strikes of the Health Food Brigade Unit, and the popularization of Mustard as a substitue for Ketchup (though the effectiveness of this is questioned because a) mustard spills compel humans to destroy napkis as effectively as Ketchup spills and b) the Romans had mustard, and look how quickly *their* civilization went to pot after they had wiped out their entire supply of napkins cleaning up after mustard).
With the "coolness factor" of secret societies fading, many of the groups opposing the New World Order of the Ketchup Manufacturers are having difficulty recruiting new members. The New World Order, however, has diversified the types of groups they recruit into, securing a steady stream of new recruits and agents. Thus it seems likely that at some point in the near future, The Man will succeed in obtaining complete global domination.
The Unicode Consortium has incorporated the New World Order into the Unicode standard, version 6.6.6. The New World Order is an improvement on the Unicode Collation Algorithm, UTS #10, by making letters sort according to their positions on the standard keyboard layout in the New World.
- Q < W < E < R < T < Y < U < I < O < P < A < S < D < F < G < H < J < K < L < Z < X < C < V < B < N < M
This answers the common question posed by beginning typists, "Why aren't the letters arranged in alphabetical order?" by changing alphabetical order to match the arrangement of the letters.