New Super Mario Bros.
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“Violence? In a Mario game?! Oh, how I've waited for this day!”
~ Oscar Wilde on New Super Mario Bros.
“This game is on DS”
~ Captain Obvious on New Super Mario Bros
“This game is a new version of Super Mario Bros.”
~ Captain Obvious on New Super Mario Bros
“I knew it, the bastard! I even have my own friggin' Ghost Houses! Why wasn't I in this game?! Pricks!”
~ King Boo on Petey Piranha being in New Super Mario Bros.
New Super Mario Bros is the newest game in the Mario series, hence the word "New." BOWSER DIES AT THE END OF WORLD 1! In it, Mario and Luigi ruthlessly murder Bowser in a gruesome yet signature fashion. It was made by Nintendo in 2006 to appeal to today's generation of kids and has caused the dunking of turtles into lava to go up by 30%. I blame rap. So do I.
Contents |
[edit] Story
New Super Mario Bros. features Bowser Jr. in a vain effort to follow in his father's footsteps. He captures Peach for unknown reasons, which prompts Mario (or Luigi) to fly into a murdurous rage and kill Bowser. The remainder of the game involves chasing Jr. across many worlds stolen from other Mario games. Along the way, the player Peach floats down to either brother who proceeds to look up her dress. After the credits (you can touch the letters to hear some hawt sex noises!), Bowser Jr. drags his father's unconscious body offscreen, supposedly so he can anal rape him while he is unawares.
Toad reporter says princess peach is neither interested in Mario or Luigi She paid Bowser to kidnap her Why? Mario and Luigi both have AIDS
[edit] Main Characters
[edit] Mario
Honestly, how do you have a Mario game without Mario? He always gets to go on fun and deadly adventures just to save some stupid bimbo that doesn't put out.
Mario began his career in video games in 1927. Before that, he was painting and selling pizza from a little italian place near times square.
[edit] BFM: Big ****ing Mario
Similar to Mario, but much bigger, badder, and killer. He is responsible for most of the recent genocide of Goombas, Koopas, and everything else that has even been within a half mile of BFM.
[edit] Luigi
Hey!!!!!!!! It's a MEEEEEEEEEEEEE LUIGI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Made playable only by the will of God. He is green with envy (literally) of his brother Mario because Mario always gets to go on fun and exciting adventures that nearly get him killed and never gets him laid.
[edit] Princess Peach
The stupid bimbo that is always getting captured in every goddamn game. Honestly, what does Mario see in her? Also the mother of Bowser Jr. Stupid slut.
[edit] Bowser
Eats mushrooms.
Dies by lava. Appearently, it burns. [1]
[edit] Bowser Jr.
Attempts to revive his father through the power of Scientology.
[edit] The Big O
Used to attack Peach's castle in the beginning of the game. Is eventually destroyed by Mega Unagi.
[edit] Enemies (Aside from Bowser, which is rather obvious.)
[edit] Casual Enemies
-Goomba - You knew these guys would be in it.
-Koopa Troopa - Likes to dance, which make them appear to wank off.
-Mega Unagi - That giant motherfuckin' eel from Super Mario 64. Also known as the unstoppable force that destroys Big O and could probably kill Bowser. However, Bowser dies anyways. Unagi had a cameo appearance in Super Mario 69 as a sex toy. Unagi is also available for purchase in order to keep the water system under your house plumber-free. They can be bought in Japan for one wooden sandel.
-Every other Mario series enemy. Yes, I said ALL of them. It IS a Mario game, remember?
[edit] Bosses
-Bowser - Eats mushrooms and burns in lava. Boss of World 1
-Bowser Jr. - Joins the cult of Scientology. Using his powers bestowed upon him by Tom Cruise, he attempts to resurrect his father. Boss of every world.
-Mummy Wiggler - A giant bandaged condom with a mouth. Boss of World 2.
-Big Ass Bass - A big ass bass. Boss of World 3. A blatant lack of creativity.
-Mega Goomba - A goomba on steroids and Mega Mushrooms. Boss of World 4. Also a blatant lack of creativity.
-Petey Piranha - Has appeared in more Mario games than Mario himself. Boss of World 5. Yet more lack of creativity. WHy the hell is a plant in an Ice world? Jesus Christ.
-Monty Mole in a tank - Self explanatory. Boss of World 666.
-Thunder Lakitu - Attempt at creativity, but a gay and easy boss none the less. Boss of World 7.
-Skeletor Bowser - He-Man's Skeletor in the form of Bowser. First Boss of World 8.
-Bowser and Bowser Jr. - A large turtle and a small scientologist turtle in a tag team match. What more could you want in a boss battle? Second bosses of World 8 and last boss of the game... until next time. It's Mario, so you know that there is going to be a next time.
-The Big O - Boss of World -1.
[edit] Power-Ups
The numerous drugs power-ups in the game.
[edit] Mushroom
The traditional drug reference in every Nintendo game. These make Mario and Luigi "bigger."
[edit] Fire Flowers
Edible marijuana that will cause anyone who is not a plumber to asplode. Grants the ability to fart fire.
[edit] Invincible Stars
A drug that makes the Mario Bros. "invincible." Also impairs judgement.
[edit] Blue Koopa Shell
Will cause Mario and Luigi to go through drug withdrawal. In this state, they hide in their own personal shell that is closed off to the outside world.
[edit] Mini Mushroom
A 'shroom that will cause Mario or Luigi to have a nervous breakdown. They will enter panic mode and will die instantly if touched by anything. Only 1337 Mario veterans, such as Oscar Wilde, can retain control over Mini Mario Bros.
[edit] Mega Mushroom
Like a regular mushroom, only with a higher concentration. It is possible to OD on these babies and they can rival the effects of kitten huffing.
[edit] Gameplay
Do I really need to explain this to you?! It's friggin' classic Mario! Who doesn't know what the gameplay is like?!
What's that? You died against the first goomba?! Good God, you suck!
[edit] Reception
New Super Mario Bros. is the fastest selling game in known history. Many have heralded it as better than Tales of Phantasia and more enjoyable than pie. In its first week in Japan it sold over 25 trillion copies. Anyone who tried to return the game was shot on sight. In America, it is so popular that Chuck Norris bought OVER NINE-THOUSAAAAAAND copies and played through all of them in three days. After he beat them, he cried himself to sleep. Even Oprah stopped her plans for world domination in order to play this game. Unfortunately, she kept dying against the first goomba.
[edit] Controversy
The game has become so popular, that Disney fears the competition and Mickey Mouse has personally declared war on Mario. Disney World is now amassing their forces against Nintendo. Sadly, many agree that Disney has made a foolish move and that their days are numbered. May Mario, Kirby, Samus, and Link have mercy on their souls. In their misguided attempt to thwart Nintendo, Disney desided to make a Goofy Brothers game, where the soundtrack only consists of the tune "It's a small world" over and over. Goombas have also been replaced with Walt Disney's head, which cries out 'ELLIOT!!!' whenever you stomp it. Seriously, that's just crap.
