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“America's biggest water fun park since 2005!”
“It got a little moist there in 2005”
“Levees? Yeah, we don't have enough money in the budget for that. How about some more daiquiri shops?”
“I symphasise with the people of New Orleans. I would hate it if 9/11 happened in my city”
“New Orleans is my favorite city. I never forget to give it a big wave.”
No Orleans (previously Old Orleans, New Orleans, or New Atlantis) was once located in Louisiana, and is now located either underwater or in the mysterious FEMA Realm. Its nickname, the "Big Empty", was bestowed upon it after the great explorer, Ray Nagin, rediscovered it in a search for God, Gold, and Glory, only to get killed by Montezuma. Home of pirates, drunks and whores.
Out of all the cities in America, it was probably the most accurately depicted in the movies.
No Orleanians all had thick Southern drawls. They sounded less like New Yorkers than anything else. The No Orleans accent has now been wiped off the map as the city and its inhabitants have sunk deep beneath the waves leaving a chocolatey color in the Gulf of Mexico similar to that of Willy Wonka's chocolate river.
No Orleans politics are dominated by farm animals, burning trash cans and the People's Looting Party of No Orleans, an offshoot of the powerful Iraqi division of the same party. In the aftermath of Hurricane Happy, the People's Looting Party has instituted harsh mandatory and arbitrary looting laws; citizens are required to loot buildings and wealthy white people on sight, and further, to execute those who they observe committing the horrendous crime of buying an item legitimately. This law is enforced primarily by a brigade of angry black supremacists who know themselves as the Klu Klux Kids.
No Orleans is the capital city of the State of Marineland, a US state which separated from St. Louisiana in 2005 only to sink beneath the ocean. The governor is Jacques Cousteau and the state flag is mostly a vast expanse of blue. All tax revenue goes to a big fat used car salseman named FatHead Benson to pay for the Sports Cartel Associaton's No Orleans Martyrs football team.
The state bird is the Sitting Duck. The state girls are Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita. As a pair they are known as the Girls Gone Wild
Counties in the No Orleans region are known as parishes, as most of those who didn't get out of the state quickly enough have perished. The local mayor is Stingray Nagin (named after the explorer), a big fish in a small pond who rules New Atlantis in a style befitting the Codfather.
Contrary to popular rumour, the The Lord Humungus no longer rules the city's gasoline supply.
No Orleans is fortunate to be protected from most weather systems. After the installation of the severe weather shield, No Orleans no longer fears even the most severe weather. The temperature is a balmy 90° and unlike other cities it never gets cold at night. The lowest temperature ever recorded in No Orleans after the SWS was created was 78 degrees.
As of right now, the average humidity is 100%. While the temperature is always a cool 90° or so, the humidity of No Orleans can often make it feel less than comfortable. Due to its current location of mostly underwater, the humidity in No Orleans often exceeds 100%. This high heat and humidity often gives rise to a condition known as SWAS (Swamp Ass Syndrome).
Fortunately, the designers of No Orleans avoided repeating the tragic mistake made by the builders of the original Ile d'Orléans near Québec City. By leaving Ile d'Orléans sticking out above the water, they left the island exposed to wind, snow and ice, rendering it all but uninhabitable.
Wildlife in No Orleans
Once, the vicinity of No Orleans, or what No Orleans used to be, was populated by many different animals, such as kangaroos, gorillas, wolves, unicorns, dogs, Komodo dragons, grues, cats and hummingbirds, and even Caucasians, just to mention a few. There was also a varied flora, both plants and trees. However, this changed drastically with the arrival of Hurricane Katrina. Nowadays, the previous mammal and reptile fauna consists mostly of African-Americans,alligators, killer whales, white sharks, mermaids, octopuses, Krakens, pelicans, penguins, Puffins Canada geese, tortoises, Cthulhu and lots and lots of various fish species. Many humans have already fallen victims to alligators, FEMA, sharks and Krakens, while others, mostly young men, have been lured into the open sea by the enchanting songs of mermaids, never to return again. The old forests containing mostly birch and conifer trees now consists almost entirely of subaquatic kelp forests growing up to 10 meter in height. The prospect of the future of No Orleans' wildlife appears to be soaking wet to say the least. The men in the black going around shooting people, however, are the black man's natural predator. ( not to be confused with employers and child support agents, whom are the black man's natural enemies ) The men in the black are keeping the white man's belongings safe and making sure no looting or kitten huffing happens in New Orleans.
“Yeah, about building a city there... Bad idea. It floods a lot.”
So these French dudes America-ed some land from Indians. Then the Brits stomped through the French in the Seven Year War. They didnt want that shit so they sold it off to the Spanish. Then the French came along under Napoleon, whipped Spain's ass (without surrendering once), and took the entire Louisiana territory (which, at the time, went all the way up to what is now Canada) in exchange for not completely ruining Spain's shit. The French named New Orleans after Old Orleans, home of the maid of Orleans who was considered a horny virgin. If that sounds unbelievable, keep in mind that the French never bathe. After quickly deciding that the Louisiana territory was useless, Napoleon sold the whole damn thing to the United States, who broke the territory up into smaller pieces to keep from being devoured by it.
Until the early 20th century, New Orleans was entirely above sea level and flooding was not a risk. However, in 1911, following a visit from President William Howard Taft, 80% of the city sunk below sea level, requiring the construction of an extensive pump system and setting the stage for the effects of Hurricane Katrina.
New Orleans was in the Louisiana territory. It was, like, at the bottom although its current location in the wake of Hurricane Katrina now renders it truly "at the bottom". After Hurricane Katrina its name was changed to be more befitting of a city with its state of existance. These names now include No Orleans, or New Atlantis.
Prayers are being offered to the patron saint Joan of Arc, Maid of New Orleans of the New Orleans Saints and a search party is expected to be dispatched from the city of New New Orleans as soon as the flood waters subside to find anything left that can be looted.
Future of No Orleans
Many thoughts are in the pipe line as to what the future of No Orleans holds. Some have suggested it be turned into a marine sanctuary. Others have suggested deep water oil drilling, because an oil spill might be an improvement over the festering ooze that is the city of No Orleans. Many have suggested to do nothing about it. These people of course have never been to Mardi Gras in the old New Orleans, and therefore should be ignored. Other suggestions include attaching large ballons filled with helium to raise No Orleans from the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico. Texas has offered to purchase the city and turn it into a water park. Whatever the future, it is without a doubt that once a year, beads will still be thrown and boobs will still be flashed!
No Orleans was a bowl-shaped city, following a visit from President William Howard Taft, and is now believed to be located in the Gulf of Mexico. The soil on which No Orleans was built is a mix of swamp peat, shit, and sand; these soft, unstable materials were somehow expected to hold key floodwalls in place even though the foundations inexplicably only went ten feet deep. Ellen deGenères has long advocated the introduction of more and stronger dikes to control the floodwaters of No Orleans. Since she is a famous Oscar Award winning actor, she could only bitch and complain about changes, but do nothing about it herself(that's just too unHollywood).
Culture in No Orleans
“When the levee breaks I'll have no place to stay.”
No Orleans was famous for its music. Favourite tunes include "Somewhere Down the Crazy River" and Chris deBurgh's "Don't pay the ferry man."
Katrina and the Waves took No Orleans by storm, as did Billy Ocean. Handel's Water Music can also oft be heard amongst the wreckage.
Below is good Example of typical No Orleans lyrics., from the song Ballad of No Orleans
- There was a house in No Orleans
- That caught the rising flood
- It's been the ruin of many a po'boy
- And God I know I'm one
- Katrina was a cyclone
- She soaked my new bluejeans
- Our mayor was a gamblin' man
- Bet on these levees
- Now the only thing a gambler needs
- Is a suitcase and a trunk
- And the only time he's satisfied
- Is when he's on a drunk
- So mothers, tell your children
- Not to do what I have done
- Spend your lives in hurt and misery
- In the House of the Rising Flood
- Well, I got one foot on the platform
- The other foot on the train
- I'm goin' back to No Orleans
- To watch this city drain.
Food and drink
No Orleans was best known for the MRE diet, where MRE stands for My Refrigerator's Empty. Nonetheless, a fine meal can normally be had by looting. If this fails, contact FEMA as they're always full of baloney.
Some may say the price ("We isn’t gunna stop marryin' are sisters, y'hear?") was great of a price to pay for the delicious beverage. Most just moved the fuck to Louisiana with haste.
Bourbon is Louisiana's answer to reality. The public, feeling the strong need to silence the voices in its collective head, did what any civilized society would do under the duress of modern life. They turned to inbred rednecks and their illegal, highly flammable, and unsettlingly incestuous distilling operations for the cure. What was created (in addition to multiple amputees and skin graft candidates) was Bourbon.
((History)) The 18th century was a strange but innovative time. The Lightning rod was invented by Benjamin Franklin when he received cold soup for dinner and strapped his wife to a metal]] pole during a storm, John Gay, an awful English dramatist and poet, set the stage for the phrase "This shit's really gay!" and the French were Revolutioning by "fighting" one another (historians often disagree on whether or not bouts of sissy slapping can be considered fighting, even in 1789) for croissants or some shit, I dunno. More importantly than these so-called "achievements" of humanity was the creation of Bourbon Whiskey.
((Legal requirements)) On 4 May 1964, the U.S. Congress recognized Bourbon Whiskey as a “distinctive product of the United States," creating the Federal Standards of Identity for Bourbon. As opposed to indistinctive products such as zippers, flaming chainsaws, and that thing they jam up your ass during colonoscopies. This collective psychosis resulted in the creation of an identity for Bourbon; a product so reveled it is seen as an entity as opposed to a beverage. Federal regulations now stipulate that Bourbon must meet these requirements:
- Bourbon must be made of a grain mixture that is at least 51% corn and less than 18% unborn fetuses
- Bourbon must be distilled to no more than 160 (U.S.) proof (80% alcohol by volume). This is too prevent blindness in the population already plagued by rampant erectile dysfunction and bunions.
- Bourbon must be sanctified by the blood of 12 virgins and a goat. Preferably a white goat. Jesus would like that.
- Bourbon must be cursed at for several hours by large, burly men before shipping. This ensures its bittersweet taste and its side effect of making it's consumer a raging asshole.
Bourbon is used as a common form of contraceptive due to the fact that prolonged (single dose) usage has caused testicles to shrivel up and die. Aside from this practical application, it is often used as a form of lubrication. In an ironic twist of fate, men consuming large amounts of bourbon often have difficulties with stiff joints. Bourbon lubricates these problem areas, allowing men around the world to more easily beat their wives without strain or the need for a $20 message from the local parlor (prices may vary based on Happy Ending rates - see your local provider for more details).
Bourbon drinkers can be found in all walks of life. From the angry, depressed hobo who spends him time yammering on and on about the government and eating his shoes to the angry, depressed (sub)urbanite male who is so bored he considers slaughtering his own family on a daily basis just to alleviate the repetition of his insignificant existence.
Expert Bourbon drinkers disagree on certain nuances, but the general consensus is that Bourbon, "Kicks your mom's fuckin' ass, you homo son of a bitch."
Side Effects are Various abnormalities have been seen among bourbon users. Among the most well documented are:
Books and cinema
No Orleans was famous for the «Gulls Gone Wild» tapes, where flocks of gulls descend upon what was the French Quarter in order to claim Mardi Gras beads from amidst the rubble.
Perennial favourite books and television programming in No Orleans include Moby Dick as well as anything by Jacques Cousteau.
Although Kevin Costner has been laughed at for his movie Waterworld, it seems he was a visionary after all. We really should all apologise for not seeing the movie at the movie-theatre, but waiting for it to be aired on TV.
Things for tourists to do in No Orleans
Drown. Seriously. The whole city's completely submerged in twenty feet of toxic sludge. If you don't drown, you can also catch a variety of fun and interesting water-borne diseases, like yellow fever and cholera. Many tourists enjoy hand feeding the new orleans refugees bread crumbs.
Flash your water jugs.
Get drunk and pee in public
Leave. Oh wait, too late, well at least you have a fun lake to play in.
Festivals and events
Major festivals in No Orleans include Mardi Gras, Southern Decadence and the traditional new year's Mayor's Levee.
A long-standing annual tradition, the Mayor's Levee is a celebration held at the water's edge where citizens of this fine city are encouraged to bring sandbags and join in many fun activities.
Description of Those Who Used to Live There
And we didn't have Southern accents. Runaway Jury, The Client, and Double Jeopardy could kiss my ass.
And, despite our French heritage, we showered regularly and were not assholes. Our women were fat from all the beignets, though, and weighed, on average, the same as a Chevy Tahoe. This was a boon for the local snow-shoe sellers who spent all their time repairing damaged and crushed tennis rackets.
All New Orleanians had the last name "Neville" or "Du'"-something. The most influential in Katrina-era No Orleans typically had names like «duBateau» or «Del'hélicoptère».
Things for Time Travellers to do in New Orleans
If you're going to tour pre-Katrina New Orleans, be sure to bring a camera. You can get some great shots of actual African-Americans in New Orleans before the ethnic cleansing.
If you're visiting post-Katrina No Orleans, don't forget to tour our famous "Cholera District"
Those tourists visiting from the 2046 breast-cancer epidemic era might want to bring your own beads if you plan on attending the Mardi Gras festivities.
Warning: Traffic was heavy in New Orleans in the past. Plunking your DeLorean in the middle of Interstate 10 would have raised eyebrows, especially if the lanes were in contraflow at the time of arrival, and you'd better not have been doing 88 mph in the French Quarter. Furthermore, cries of "You're gonna see some serious shit!" would not have been accepted.
For tourists, the chance of dying is almost 99.9999991%. This varies slightly from area to area and from person to person. In the ghetto areas (see lower ninth ward) you have a 99.9999999% chance of getting shot or robbed. This can be avoided by wearing very saggy pants and using phrases such as "Yeah Bruh" and "Ya hurd me".
But, the chances of dying are even higher in the City Hall. You will most likely become a victim of Mayor Nagin's "Chocolate City" plan, or FEMA's Road Home to Mexico Program. We give back to Mexico. They give us illegal immigrants, we give them refugees.